Y   V   A   N

__________

I watched as Matt got on his bike and rode away. I exhaled a breath I didn't realise I was holding. Once he was out of sight, I ran back up to my room to see if he was out of the streets. And luckily, he was gone. Didn't know why I wanted him gone but I was glad he nowhere near me right now.

I paced back and forth in my room. I felt unsettled. I felt fear. I didn't know. But what I did know was that I definitely felt something that afternoon.

His body. The way his jaw clenched when he was really concentrating. The way he raked his fringe back up when it obscured his vision. How he was recently in my room. Literally everything about him.

No. I'm just overthinking. This is not real.

I couldn't possibly move on that fast. And a few days after the break up with Luke? It wasn't possible. It couldn't be. Did I skip the healing stage or something?

But I felt something. A feeling I knew too well. And the feeling I was trying to deny its very existence.

"What is the matter now?" Robyn asked with crossed arms. She leaned against the doorway as she watched her pathetic brother panicking over something that probably didn't exist.

I didn't answer as I continued my pacing. Clearly pacing back and forth for ten minutes straight didn't help me to calm down.

I was still trying to process what had just happened. Part of me wanted to convince me that it was all in my head, trying to mess me up with its cruel mind games.

Seriously, I had to calm down.

Robyn left a few moments after her question remained unanswered.

Taking a seat on my bed, I inhaled through my nose and held it in for a few seconds and breathed out through my mouth slowly. I did a couple of times until I felt my head was clear, until I had sort of fully calmed down.

My little sister returned back to the doorway with a mug in hand, leaning by the frame. "So what's up?" she asked and sipped the hot tea.

"The ceiling, duh," I replied.

"I'm serious!"

"It's nothing," I sighed. "Don't worry."

"You suck at lying," she stated. "How do you call it nothing when you spent the past ten minutes pacing back and forth and muttering literally alien langauge?" she asked and took another sip of her tea.

I sighed defeatedly. How does she do it?

Gesturing for her to come in, my heart started to weigh heavily again. Robyn walked in and closed the door behind with her foot without having the need to be told do so.

She offered me her tea and I hesitated a little knowing that she wasn't one to share things with someone else. I accepted it anyway and took a sip of it. The hot liquid warmed me in more ways than one, calming me down further. Thanking her for it, I rested the mug on my desk.

Robyn raised her brows, a sign for me to tell her what the hell was going on with me. Even I, myself, didn't know what was wrong. So I told her how it all started and all the way till recently.

During that hour, it felt surreal to have Matt in my room. It was the first time I had a friend come over. Well technically, he made a surprise call to suddenly come to my house. And that moment when he took of his shirt off, showing his toned stomach, I seriously hoped he didn't get the feeling that I was that. Or maybe it was possible that he thought I was jealous.

Wow, it still felt weird to call myself gay. Never liked labels. Hence the weird feeling.

My sister took her time to think about what I just told her. I couldn't seem to shake this feeling off. I couldn't seriously have feelings for my best friend, could I?

"Oh no," Robyn finally spoke. That was exactly my first thought when all this started happening. "Don't tell me you like him."

"I don't," I replied, uncertainty clear in my voice. "Or at least I hope not."

"Love is cruel mystery," she said as she stared into the far distance.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you can say that again."

"Say, give it a couple days. Maybe it will go away?" she suggested.

"Maybe."

__________

Midterms finally came. The first paper was Mathematics. . . on a Monday. What a great way to start the week.

The classroom was filled with none other than the annoying sound of pens clicking as we waited for Ms Scott to finish giving out the papers. I propped my elbows and rested my chin as I watch her take her own sweet time walking down the row. Can she get any slower?

As soon as everyone got their papers and she announced the start of the examination, everyone flipped the page so fast as if it was a race.

During the exam, I couldn't help but keep looking up from my paper to see Matt. It wasn't my fault that he was sitting a table in front to the right from me. Whenever his brows furrowed when attempting a trick question, I just. . . I just wished I could be there to help him. Or when his tensed expression soften after figuring out the answer, it made me feel like I was a proud boy--

Wait, what?

No. No no no.

The feeling was coming back. And to think I was doing so well avoiding said feeling for the past week. I'd buried it down so deep I was sure it wouldn't resurface. But I guessed I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Why? Why was this happening to me? Why was I feeling this way for him? Especially him, the anti-gay guy. Things could not get any worse.

I didn't like it, but at the same time, I didn't mind it.

Love is a cruel mystery, Robyn's voice repeated in my head.

It sure was. And I hated mysteries. They needed to be solved.

"Eyes on your paper Mr Parker. You would not want to be caught cheating, now would you?" whispered Ms Scott as she walked by my table.

I quickly looked down at my paper on instinct. When the teacher walked away, I exhaled a breath I didn't realise I was holding in. Distracted. I was getting distracted. I needed to focus on the test. I had to. However, it was hard to do so when the guy you most probably have a crush on suddenly was right in front of you.

Think of this as your GCSE, I thought with the hopes of getting my mind to focus. Surely if I thought of this as one of the major exams in my life, it would get me to concentrate.

Well, it did work. Thank God. I managed to spend most of time on the paper and rechecking over and over again and at last, finished it. Though, my eyes kept drifting towards Matt and boy, was that annoying.

At the end of the exam, I rushed out of the room. I needed to get away from him and maybe take in some fresh air. Then, I saw a familiar figure in the distance. I know her.

"Sam?" I asked as I neared the distance between my former senior and also Kara's sister.

"Yvan, hi," she said with a smile and embraced me in a quick hug. "Long time no see."

"Yeah," I smiled and looked at the other girl beside her. "And who's this?"

The two girls looked at each other and I could see the affection in their eyes.

"This is my girlfriend."