Y   V   A   N

__________

"I care a lot about you."

My eyes widened at the realisation of what I just said and the heat on my cheeks became apparent soon enough. I quickly looked away, trying my best to cover it up.

As soon as those words rolled off my tongue, I regretted saying it. . . to a certain extent. I mean there was truth behind those words but I wouldn't had expected myself to actually say it. Still, I couldn't believe I just uttered those words.

The next moment was something I didn't expected myself to do. . . again. I panicked. Moving closer to him, I wrapped my arms around him. This way, I wouldn't need to face him as I tried to cool my burning cheeks.

I stammered as I thought of something to say. "Come on Matt," I managed as I patted his back, laughing awkwardly. "You're like my bro. 'Course I care about you."

When we pulled away, Matt was so confused as to what was happening. "Uh are you okay?"

"I uh- I gotta go to the toilet," I said, avoiding his question completely as I excused myself. I hurried my steps, getting out of his sight.

Pulling my phone out, I scrolled to Robyn's contact and called her. No answer. I called again, and again but she never picked up.

Where the hell is Robyn when I need her the most?

It then occurred to me that she was having her test now. Of course she didn't pick up, no phones were allowed during an examination. I face-palmed myself at my own stupidity and forgetfulness.

It's okay though. I could still talk to her when I get back home.

__________

And we're back to the pacing," Robyn remarked, leaning against the frame of the doorway with a book in hand. "What is it this time?"

Making something up quickly, I said it was just the exams to shoo her off. It was a lame reply to which Robyn raised her brows. Clearly, I lied because I was not one to be stressed about exams.

"The Great Yvan, stressed about his exams," she said in a sarcastic tone. "Now that I have not heard before. Nice one."

A moment later, she left.

I still couldn't believe I said what I said to Matt that morning. I cared a lot about him, and then started blushing? Obviously, the anti-gay would start picking up on this. And soon, he would unfriend me and that wasn't the best part yet. Knowing him since Year 1, he would most likely humiliate me in front of the student body.

Then, I thought back to Hayley's words: if I, a person who have always hated gays, can change and actually be in a gay relationship, pretty sure he can change too.

If Hayley could change, so could Matt. But the thing was, I couldn't imagine Matt changing. As I much as I would love to, it didn't seem realistic.

Then, a rubberband hit my forehead. I stopped pacing as a result. Seeing Robyn with a smug smile and waving like nothing happened, I quickly picked up the band and shot it back at her to which she dodged successfully and effortlessly.

I huffed, slightly upset at the failed attempt.

"So why did you call me the other day?" she asked, referring to the many miss calls on her phone a last week. And she's only acknowledging it now?

"Umm. . ." I began as I scratched the back of my head. "I kind of said something to him."

Robyn didn't reply but her tilting of head was a sign for me to continue.

I took a deep breath before continuing. "I said I care for him and then I sort of blushed and hugged him and then I ran away," the words came out so fast, it could barely be understood.

We were in silence for a moment. Robyn managed a "what?" a beat after.

Calming down, I repeated myself. Slowly this time.

Ever since Monday, I couldn't keep it cool. That day was the day I had finally accepted my undeniable crush on him. Felt good to get it out, but then again, it was eating me on the inside. And it was also the day I indirectly told him that I liked him to which I really hoped he didn't get the message.

Just this morning, I slipped a note into his locker. I didn't know what else to do. I also didn't know how I ended up writing that note. But what was done, was done.

Last week.

I didn't know what to do now. Yesterday, I had sort of 'confessed' to which I freaked out afterwards.

I liked Matt. I didn't how that happened but what I did know was that love is unpredictable. Very unpredictable.

Maybe I could ask Sam for some advice? Taking my phone out, I quickly searched for Sam's contact. Before I pressed 'call', I contemplated on whether I should or not. Part of me said that calling her would mean bothering her, but the half said that I should because I could trust her.

Anyway, I called her.

"Hello," said a female voice on the end of the line. It didn't belong to Sam. It must be Hayley who answered.

"Hey," I said. "Can I talk to Sam?"

There was no reply but shuffling noise could be heard. A few moments later, Sam came onto the line.

"Yvan, hey. How are you?" Sam asked.

"I'm fine, thank you," I replied. "You?"

"Kinda stressed with all these assignments being thrown to my face," she laughed [hysterically]. "But I'm good, thanks. So why did you call?"

"Yeah, about that. . ." I started. "I just wanted to know how you and Hayley started dating. Oh and I don't mean to be nosy or anything like that."

Sam chuckled. "I see. So you want to get on with it, huh? Make it official."

"You know that's impossible," I sighed.

"No it's not" she disagreed. "Hayley is a living proof for that."

I smiled at the memory of yesterday, when Sam shared her story. "Yeah, I know."

"So back to the question. Didn't Hayley tell yoy about how I asked her out?" she asked.

I was about to speak when I recalled our conversation yesterday. I remembered Hayley saying something about it but couldn't [pin point] what it was. "I kind of forgot."

By the way Sam sighed, I could see her shaking her head. "Well I wrote her a letter-- letters, and I asked a friend to pass her the first letter. Then I kept writing, giving her clues as to who the writer was. And look at us now," she said with pride.

Maybe I could do the same with Matt. I'd write him letters.

Sam then added, "But I can't guarantee that it'll work for you. You can try but it's not fullproof."

When she said that, I couldn't help but feel discouraged and disappointed. However, I could still try and use her method, see if it would get me anywhere.

"Thanks," I said, a sad tone in my voice.

"Come on Yvan. I'm sure you will find your own way," she tried to cheer me up.

"Yeah,"

"Well I gotta go. It was nice talking to you. Good day."

"Good day," I replied and ended the call.

"So let me get this straight, or rather, gay," she joked. "You kind of told him you like him and then you confessed to him via letter-"

"Anonymously," I pointed out.

"Right. So he is pretty much oblivious to your huge crush on him," she stated. "So what's next?"

"What's next?" I almost choked on the question. "There is no 'next' because I can never get him. This is just another stupid, hopeless crush. And I am very aware that he is in a relationship. So there's that. Now I'm just waiting for whatever this is to pass."

I buried my face into my palms. What I said, there was truth to it. No doubt about it.

There was absolutely no chance for me to even tell him, face to face, about my feelings for him. I was already doing a bad job at hiding it. He probably thought I was psycho or something because of my behaviour around him lately.

Maybe someday.