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Epilogue

People usually put a high regard on love. Palaging sinasabi na dapat ang ginagawa natin ay sinasamahan ng pagmamahal para mas magaan, mas masaya, o mas masarap sa pakiramdam gawin. You wouldn't feel the heaviness of it once you've realized you love what you do.

I call bullshit on that.

"Kaya ko gawin, basta 'wag lang mahalin," I chuckled after joining in with my friends. "I hate math."

"But you're good at it," sabi sa akin ni Errol. "I think you should be an engineer or something. Any course na may math."

"Mathematics teacher?" I scoffed. I wasn't good at math but I was the only one who didn't fail in our class during our exam in mathematics.

Hindi ako magaling, I refused to believe that someone's good at something innately. Lahat ay napagaaralan para sa akin. Pero kung may mas magaling naman, I don't see the point of competing when I know I have no edge in it. Sayang sa oras, erps.

"Sumali ka sa school publication," giit ni Errol. "Sayang naman na magaling ka sa mga essays pero di mo ginagamit para sa school."

"Dagdag gawain lang 'yan eh," reklamo ko pero natagpuan ko pa rin naman ang sarili ko na sumasali sa school publication. I wrote my name on a piece of paper, the application form for the position as soon as it was opened for submission.

Doon ko nakilala si Iscaleon Altreano at Eastre Zaguirre. Pakiramdam ko ay napilitan lang ako tropahin sila—but they're my bestest friends. They were the only ones who didn't mind my personality and how I could be such an ass sometimes. They can tolerate how my mood could sometimes deflate when I don't achieve my own expectations. They don't take it against me.

Nasanay ako na sinusunod lang ang gusto ng ibang tao para sa akin. The reason why I think loving someone. . .seemed foreign to me. Kahit nga ang mismong course ko ay mga magulang ko ang nag-push sa akin. They told me to apply to an allied health course and so I did.

I hate throwing a fuss over things that I could fix immediately. Gusto nila mag-doctor ako? Mage-enroll ako sa kursong Med Tech. Bawal si Audrey sa mga pets? Hindi ako magkakaroon ng pet. People think that I'm better off single and always ready to mingle? Then I'd just settle with that.

I have too many readings to read so I don't have the time to always prove them wrong. I value my time to know that it was better that way. Kung saan mas mabilis at mas madali, doon na lang ako.

Pudpod ako madalas sa pagaaral. Although I have a sport, kadalasan ay dahil lang din kailangan sa school. I practiced hard for basketball because I wanted to always join intramurals. Everything related to me was always about academics.

Napabuntonghinga na lang ako.

I needed a break sometimes. . .so I'd find myself pouring myself a glass of beer in any clubs that I could prospect on. Minsan sa malapit lang sa school, kadalasan sa mismong club na pagmamay-ari ni Eastre. Girls would flock on me naturally. . .and I'd be a fucking liar if I don't admit that I like the attention. I like the praises. I like the way they make me feel that they want me.

But for some reason, a girl with short cut hair managed to ignore me. On purpose.

My eyes can't leave her be. Maliit na mukha, cute nose, matang palaging parang jinu-judge ka. She was the intimidating type per se. Yet, it only made me more curious about her. Gusto ko siyang buksan. . .not just her legs, of course.

Kanina ko pa siya pinagmamasdan. I won't lie, type ko talaga siya. But for some reason, she keeps on ignoring me and avoiding my gaze. Hindi naman siya mahiyain. Ramdam ko na alam n'ya na type rin siya nung ibang mga lalaki na kasama namin sa table. She just. . .likes to play with our attention, I guess?

"Buti bumalik ka! Akala ko nagpakain ka na sa banyo eh!" anang isang babae na kasama nila.

I looked at her almost abruptly. She had that on her, people's radar are automatically focused on her when she speaks. Sandali rin kasi siyang pumunta sa may comfort room. I was able to observe her clothing, a racer top and shorts. . .I love a confident woman.

"O baka may lalaki ka na agad!" saad pa nung isa.

She smiled and I almost melted on my spot. How could she smile like she doesn't know its effect on people?

"Sayang eh, wala naman akong nakitang lalaki kanina," aniya.

I choked on my own drink. Edi ano ako sa 'yo? My gaze flew towards her and she was already looking at me.

Oh? Fuck.

I guess the feeling is slightly mutual.

Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang pag-iwas n'ya ng tingin. A playing smirk plastered on my face. Is she trying to fight off her attraction? Why? Mabait naman ako, ah? I wouldn't do something that she's not comfortable with. I do like her. . .but I  do respect any women's nos.

"Grabe, gender reveal lang ako, ha?" I chuckled and lazily licked my lower lips. "Shit, I'm a boy!"

"Gago ka talaga!" The other girl laughed then slightly punched me on my arms.

"Naglalaro kami pala, Ziah, ikaw na," sabi ni Lotte, one of the few people that I know from this circle. She's an influential person.

"Anong laro?" tanong ni Ziah. . .even her name sounds heavenly. 'Yan ba ang full name n'ya? Ayaw n'ya bang dagdagan ng Adeva sa dulo? Ziah Adeva sounds better to me.

"Truth or dare lang," sagot ko at agad siyang binalingan ng tingin.

"Ah, gano'n ba?" She prolonged our conversation which made me grin.

You can try to hide your feelings but it always gradually shows through your actions. Napailing na lang ako.

"Yeah, sali ka?"

"Sure, bakit naman hindi?" She smiled, provoking me.

"Hmm? Truth then?" I probed with a smirk playing on my lips.

"Dare," saad n'ya. Her eyes squinted as if she was telling me that she's not backing out from a challenge.

Fuck. Ang ganda n'ya talaga.

My lips moved inwardly.

I honestly didn't expect that she'd choose to dare. Dapat ay tatanong ko lang sa kan'ya kung sino ang type n'ya sa table na ito at bakit ako iyon at bakit p'wede na bang maging kami? Para naman masimulan na naman ang family planning namin? I'm a visionary, and I could see our future together as soon as I saw her sitting on her seat.

"I dare you to kiss Ryker!" sabi ni Lotte. Iba-iba ang naging reaksyon nila. Some cheered and some gasped which only made me laugh.

"Ah? Kadarating ko lang! Let's not pressure her, also. . .baka may boyfriend."

Sana wala.

Please, sana wala.

Huhu, sana wala talaga.

Kung mayroon man siyang boyfriend, sana ay break up na nila mamaya. Agad.

Umiling si Ziah. "Wala ah, kiss lang ba?"

Hindi mapigilan ang ngiti ko. 'Yan ang gusto ko, pride ang pinapairal.

"No pressure, you can say no."

"Did you hear me say no? Why? May girlfriend ka 'no? Kaya ayaw pa-kiss?" pagtataray n'ya sa akin.

"Di ah, concern lang ako sa 'yo."

At siguro ay concern din ako sa sarili ko. After a taste of her lips, I don't know if I'm still sane after it. Pakiramdam ko ay para akong asong maghahabol sa kan'ya. . .pero malabo naman iyon. Hindi naman ako nahihibang sa babae.

Sa kan'ya lang. Siguro.

"Concern?"

"Baka mabitin ka," asar ko sa kan'ya. Pero ang totoo ay mas nanganganib na ako ang mabitin. Kanina ko pa siya gustong-gusto.

Matalino ako pero nawawalan yata akonng emotional intelligence pagdating sa kan'ya. Puro na lang kalaswaan ang naiisip ko. . .pero nandoon pa rin ang respeto. I still want her to know that I don't see her as an object of desire; I see her as someone above me.

"Tara na, halikan na kita," mayabang n'yang yaya.

Lumapit siya sa akin. Maldita ang datingan n'ya. Nagulat ako sa bahagyang paghawak n'ya sa aking mga pisngi. It was a sudden move. I didn't anticipate that she'll show herself like this. Kanina lang ay siya ang pinaka-reserve sa kanilang magkakaibigan.

"Tagal," I jeered but my heart was already racing. Hawak pa lang ito sa pisngi pero kuhang-kuha na ako. P'wede na kami bumuo ng pamilya.

She kissed me. . .and I just watched her move her lips.

"Ako pala. . .yung mabibitin," I uttered helplessly.

What was supposed to be just a smack gradually turned into a long kiss. She moaned which fucking made my pants tight. I can't help but smirk knowing that she wants me as much as I want her.

"Hey. . ." Lotte said, halatang na-awkward-an. "Tama na 'yan, guys."

"Nasarapan si Ziah."

"May babae ka na naman, Ry."

"Grabe ang bilis mo talaga, Ryker."

Nagkibit lang ako ng balikat. I looked at her and saw that she was. . .embarrassed which made me feel disappointed because why would she be embarrassed for kissing me? Eh, pareho naman kaming nag-enjoy. What's wrong with letting your emotions slip?

That night only made me eager to be with her. Pakiramdam ko ay palaging sinusuyod ng mga mata ko ang mga clubs na pupuntahan ko para lang sa anino ni Ziah. She was just that kind of girl. . .she lingers on you like your favorite scent. Hinahanap-hanap ko ang presensya n'ya.

Something happened between the two of us. Hindi ko inakala na matigas pa rin siya kahit halos pangalan ko lang ang tanging binabanggit n'ya no'ng magkasama kami sa kama. I don't usually bring girls in my condo because I hate cleaning up after someone else's mess. Pero kung si Ziah ang gugulo ng condo ko. . .baka ang lawak pa ng ngiti ko habang nagva-vacuum sa condo. That was her effect on me. She had me under her own spell.

Akala ko ay magiging tulay iyon para maging close kami. Yet, despite our busy bedroom affair, wala siyang pakialam sa akin. She would make me feel that I was a mere dust that she could quickly blow off.

"You have to tell me!" The girl I was entertaining kept on asking me nonsense. Walang rumirihistro sa isip ko dahil malapit lang sa amin si Ziah. I was more curious when it came to her reaction.

"What? Ano ba sasabihin ko?" Natawa na lang ako. Hindi ko kasi talaga naiintindihan kung ano ang gusto n'yang iparating. My mind is full of excuses just so I could go to Ziah now.

"Tell me. . .ano bang type mo?" Pagpapa-cute n'ya.

"Ah," Tumikhim ako at napaisip. "Probably someone. . .na makalilimutin." Someone like Ziah.

From my peripheral view, I saw how Ziah widened her eyes. Ang cute dahil alam kong alam n'yang siya ang tinutukoy ko. I don't know why she's trying to bury what happened between us. It's not like I would kiss and tell. . .but damn it, ang sarap ipagyabang ni Ziah. She was a merit that I was willing to show to everyone.

"Someone that I badly want to remind of what happened last night," Tawa ko. "Hmm, yeah, yun ang tipo ko."

Napairap siya at bumusangot kaya lalong lumawak ang ngisi ko. So pretty, baby. I can't wait to go home to you.

"Ano bang nangyari kagabi?"

"Hm? Wouldn't you like to know?" I teased. This is a bad habit of mine, kahit parang nangaasar lang naman ako, ang dating sa iba ay nilalandi ko na sila.

Ang gaslaw n'yang kumilos kaya muntik na siyang matumba sa kan'yang inuupuan. I had to support her by putting a hand on her back.

"Hi!" May impaktong lumapit kay Ziah.

Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko sa kanila. My tongue poked my cheeks. Ziah looks annoyed but at the same time, it didn't feel like she would shoo him away. If I'm going to be rational, wala naman siyang rason para maging rude rito. She was technically. . .still single. But the idea itself also annoys me.

"Kanina pa kita ah. . .tinitingnan."

Nagtaas ako ng kilay sa narinig.

"And? You like what you see?" Ziah said while giving a small smile.

Kainis.

Alam na alam n'yang mabilis n'yang nakukuha ang gusto n'ya. A smile of hers was like a key to heaven. Napanguso na lang ako.

"Sobra, I hope this isn't creepy. I can provide my Facebook if you want."

What the fuck? My mood plummeted. Sobrang cheesy naman n'yan! Bakit may pagbigay ng Facebook? Sana ma-hack Facebook n'yan!

"Ang formal ah? But sure. . ." ani Ziah.

My stare stabbed them upfront. Binitawan ko ang hawak ko sa kausap kong babae. I needed a drink just so I could forget what she just said.

"Ah? May b-boyfriend ka ba?" tanong nung impakto sabay sulyap sa akin. I only rose an eyebrow at him.

"Wala ah, why? Do you see me as a girlfriend? Agad?" sagot ni Ziah

Hoy.

Bakit mo ako tinatanggi?

I wanted to refute her but then I remembered that I'm not her boyfriend yet. Oo, hindi pa. Wala akong balak na hindi n'ya ako magiging boyfriend. But courtship is a foreign idea for me. . .but I was always up for a challenge.

"Bili lang ako sa labas," paalam ko dahil badtrip na talaga.

Ziah glanced at me which only confirmed my feelings for her. Damn it, oo na. Crush na crush na kita.

"Ano bibilhin mo, Ry?"

I nodded and quickly dismissed her. "Memo plus gold na isang banig. Para may makaalala naman d'yan kung paano n'ya ginulo kama ko kagabi."

Ziah. . .made it seem that loving was hard for everyone. Sanay ako na babae ang nanghihingi ng label. I don't like to generalize but my experiences always ends up with the girl asking what's our next step in our set up. Pero siya? Tanungin ko lang kung anong ulam naming dalawa ay masama na agad ang tingin n'ya sa akin. She likes to separate our feelings and our pleasures.

I don't get her.

Hindi naman sa ayaw ko ang mangligaw. I just don't have the time to do all of that and to end up with a broken heart. I could meet my own physical needs without the connection. Kaya kadalasan ay doon ko pinupukaw ang atensyon ko, to each their own—as long as we're not hurting anyone, right?

I thought it was purely physical between the both of us. I would be deemed as lucky because Ziah didn't want more from me. . .but that's where my dilemma starts. Ako ang may gusto na magkaroon kami ng ugnayan. I want more of her. I need more of her, if I'm going to be utmost honest.

Papatulan ko na dapat ang gusto n'ya. If she wants only the physical lingering, then who am I to want more? I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with the idea of us.

Yet, she manages to surprise me every time.

Pagod na ako sa pagaaral. Sometimes, I wish I could have started as average so people didn't have high expectations from me. I wish I didn't have a point of comparison. They didn't need to remind me that I always excel—so when I can't, people can't ingrain shame and guilt unto me. Hindi ako mahihiyang bumagsak.

"Seryoso mo naman," Ziah came inside my condo unit. Bahagya akong nagulat. I always lose my sense of reality when I read my notes. Pakiramdam ko ay mananakawan ako kahit nandito ako sa loob dahil hindi ko talaga napapansin ang paligid ko.

"Sorry, I'm reviewing." I said amidst scrolling on my IPad. Nasaang section na nga ako?

"Kanina ka pa d'yan ah? You could have said no if you were busy."

Lumapit siya sa akin at tumabi. I don't know but I like her warmth. I feel like the pressure on my shoulders loosened. Napangiti na lang ako nang hindi ko namamalayan.

"I told you, I'm a ziah pleaser, I can't say no to you."

"Pareho lang tayo na halos maraming practical at exams pero todo ka mag-aral. . .ang galing mo." puri n'ya.

I glanced at her and saw genuine appreciation in her eyes. My lips parted upon reveling on her beauty.

"Hindi naman. . ."

"Ang humble," she hung her head on my shoulder which made my heart race.

We gaze at each other. I don't know but even if I tell her what my automatic response was, Ziah can uncover my lies. She can see through me. Parang ang nipis ko sa kan'ya. Hindi ko alam kung paano n'ya nagagawa iyon.

"Hindi nga," sabi ko.

"Give yourself some credit, in order to feel the best; you have to acknowledge that you did your best as well."

"I don't even want to be the best," I dismissed her. Ayoko pag-usapan ang isang bagay na alam ko naman na. I know that I'm trying my best—but sometimes it feels short.

"It's hard when people have high expectations from you when you don't even have expectations for yourself, I just want to pass but people around me want me to go further." I confessed bitterly.

"You don't have to be the best using the point of view of others, you only have to be the best for yourself, pero para sa akin, the best ka."

I could feel my cheeks warming. She feels like I was the best?

No one really says that.

Pakiramdam nila na porke't ako si Ryker Adeva, I cannot be the best. I just. . .Ryker who can do anything with good results. Sa sobrang sinanay ko sila sa magagandang resulta—madalas hindi na nila iniisip na pinaghihirapan ko ito. They only see the results, not my hardships.

She laughed upon seeing my reaction, or lack thereof. "Tapusin mo na 'yan, nagiinit na ako."

"Ate? Nagrereview yung tao nang maayos? Last five minutes na lang."

"Kanina ka pa nag-re-review, your eyes are. . ." she trailed off, concern embedded in her tone.

"Napuwing ako, bakit naman ako iiyak?"

"Kasi. . .pagod ka na?"

"P'wede bang iyakan ang pagod?" I asked. Hindi ko iyon alam. I always feel ashamed when I have to cry because of academics. Lalo na't alam nilang para sa akin ay madali lang ito. I always feel like I need to excel.

"Oo lalo na kung di mo nababawi sa pahinga, kanina ka pa yata nag-re-review. Anong oras ka nag-start?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot dahil hindi pa ako kumakain. I told myself that I am only allowed to eat after I finished my notes and reviewers. It was a reward system.

"Kumain ka man lang ba?"

"Oo." I lied.

"Maayos? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner?"

I kept my mum.

She almost gasped. "Seryoso ka ba? Ano kinain mo?"

"Ikaw, kakainin ko pa lang," I said. Dinaan ko sa biro. Tangina, para talagang wala akong emotional intelligence kapag siya ang kausap ko.

She raised her middle finger at me. "Umayos ka nga! Kanina ka pa pala d'yan nag-re-review nang walang maayos na kain?"

"I'm full."

"Ang talino mo na sana eh, pero paano ka mabubusog nang walang kinakain?" Napabuntonghininga siya.

"My mind can't function when I'm full, inaantok din ako kapag busog kaya. . .tatapusin ko na muna ito bago kumain," pagdadahilan ko sa kan'ya.

Her forehead knotted after hearing my excuse. Para akong batang nahuling kumukupit sa pitaka ng nanay n'ya.

"Don't worry, sanay na ako, it's a reward system. Kapag natapos ko naman na itong mga ito, kakainin na rin ako."

"Gago ka ba? Kailan naging reward ang pagkain sa tamang oras? Lulutuan kita. Mag-aral ka diyan, sige lang. Pero kumain ka."

"I can't do both at the same time."

She gasped, as if she couldn't believe my refusal. "Ang daming reklamo, ha! Sige, susubuan kita. Pero kumain ka. Ryker, parang tanga. Gets ko naman na importante ang diploma, pero kung ikamamatay mo 'yang pagaaral mo, isipin mo nga? Worth it ba talaga?"

A pang of guilt hit me. I didn't consider any of those. Ang alam ko lang ay hindi ako p'wedeng bumagsak. Naalala ko no'ng highschool ako, badtrip na badtrip ako na 49/50 ang nakuha ko pero ang iba ay tuwang-tuwa na sa 38/50. Some told me that I was ungrateful. . .but the reality was I just couldn't afford to disappoint my own expectations.

Hinayaan ko si Ziah sa gusto n'yang gawin. I don't have a lot of food in my kitchen. Madalas kasi ay sa labas na ako kumakain o kaya ay di talaga ako kumakain. Itutulog ko na lang ang gutom ko dahil mas kailangan ko ang tulog kaysa sa pagkain. I didn't have a lot of time to spare. Yet, Ziah can have all of my time and I wouldn't mind. Pakiramdam ko palaging bitin ang pagbaba at pagtaas ng araw kapag siya ang kasama.

"Kain ka na," tinabihan n'ya ako habang may dala siyang pagkain. She really made something to eat for me.

She started to feed me. At first, I was hesitant but it gradually sank in that I really needed to eat. Napangiti ako habang ngumunguya. I can. . .imagine living like this for the rest of my life.

I thought she was only going to feed me but her lips crashed against mine. Ibinalik ko ang munting halik n'ya. It was so full of love that it could easily fool me that it was out of affection. When our lips parted from each other, nanatili siyang nakatitig sa akin. As if I was a specimen that she wasn't aware of.

"Ziah, thank you."

Tinitigan lang ako ni Ziah. I looked back at her and it made me wonder if she felt even a tiny bit of affection for me. Kung mayroon man. . .why was she trying hard to fight it off? Is it because of my reputation for being a flirt? Or is it because this is her first time as well? To consider someone as their. . .lover?

Nahihiya ako i-open up kay Eastre at Cal ang tungkol kay Ziah. They never saw me falling for someone. Ako nga ang hindi seryoso sa aming tatlo. But Eastre has the nose of a dog, mabilis siyang makaamoy. Hindi tulad kay Cal na halos kailangan mo pang ipamukha sa kan'ya ang impormasyon pero di pa rin n'ya gets agad.

We sometimes hang out at the gym. Ako dahil sa stress reliever ko ito. Si Eastre dahil kailangan n'ya sa kan'yang trabaho. Si Cal naman ay sumasama lang dahil ito na rin ang naging bonding namin. We used to hang out at libraries, pero ngayon kasi ay nahihirapan na kaming magtago sa mga mata ng tao lalo na't sikat si Eastre.

"Ano kayo?" Eastre chuckled while typing on his cellphone. Umangat ang tingin n'ya sa akin, tila nanunuya.

"Ano. . .friends," sagot ko kay Eastre at nairita. "Fuck you!"

"Friends naman pala sila," Cal smiled and looked at me. "Pero bakit ka nagseselos? Friends lang naman kayo?"

"Bakit bawal?"

"Hindi naman ako nagseselos kapag may lumalandi sa 'yo," sabi ni Cal. "Eh friends tayong dalawa."

Iritado akong bumaling ng tingin kay Cal. Seryoso ba talaga siya? Lalo n'yang pinamukha na wala akong karapatan!

"Hibang 'no?" gatong ni Eastre at napailing.

"Shut up," I tsk-ed. "Ikaw nga personal sex toy lang  pero di naman ako nagsalita."

Natawa si Cal kaya awtomatikong sumama ang tingin sa kan'ya ni Eastre. Hindi ko alam sa gagong ito! He can get all the girls that he wants but he's doting on someone that uses him to get fame. At okay lang para sa kan'ya iyon.

Sa aming magkakaibigan, tatlo talaga ang kategorya namin. Cal attracts the girls who like the serious ones or the silent ones. Si Eastre ang pugad ng mga socialites o di kaya mga gusto ng maraming connections. I get the girls that are into flirting but without labels in return.

Lumipad ang gitnang daliri sa akin ni Eastre. Tingnan mo ang isang ito, akala mo naman ay di kami pareho ng sitwasyon. Although, mas complicated yata ang sa kan'ya. Ginagawa siyang dildo lang ng babae n'ya eh.

Napabuntonghininga ako habang hinahawi ang pawisang buhok. Lumingon ako sa salamin, kahit naman magpasarap ako nang magpasarap kung kasing tigas ni Ziah ang pinopormahan ko; para akong kumukuha ng tubig pero butas ang baso.

We weren't sure if there was a relationship between us. Ang alam ko lang ay habang kinikita ko siya, I wasn't entertaining any girls. We were exclusively making love with each other. Pero ang sabi n'ya ay p'wede naman kaming lumandi sa iba. Pero ayoko nga. Siya lang ang gusto kong landiin.

Kaya naiirita ako kapag may ibang lalaki ang pilit na pumapasok sa buhay n'ya. Naiinis ako hindi dahil sa p'wede siyang landiin ng mga ito. . .but because I want to be the only one to flirt with her. I want her all to myself, as selfish as it sounds.

"Ay Kio!" She gasped which automatically turned off my mood.

"Kio? Really?" I said, completely irate.

"Ryker?"

Hindi ko mapigilan ang sumimangot nang makita ang hawak n'yang pagkain. Mukhang pinopormahan siya nung Kio. I don't really care. . .pero naiirita ako dahil saan kumukuha ng kapal ng libag ang Kio na 'yon para lapitan ang Ziah ko? Kainis!

"I'm not the type to be offended by you roaming around with another guy's gift for you, but you're the one who offered me with the fubu set up. We're bound by our exclusivity; baka lang nakalimutan mo dahil sa lunch na 'yan."

I couldn't stop my mouth from spewing nonsense. Dala ng selos at iritasyon, pakiramdam ko ay hindi n'ya binibigyang halaga ang kung anong mayroon kami. Samantalang sa katiting n'yang atensyon lang ako kumakapit. I was already happy with a little bit of her time.

"What's your problem? Lunch lang ito. Hindi ko pa nga kinakain!"

Napabuntonghininga ako. Sabi ko na nga ba, mali na naman ako. I was being impulsive. Alam ko iyon. Pero kailan ba ako naging rational kapag in love? My emotions are above me when it comes to Ziah.

"I know. Pero p'wede mo naman siguro tanggihan? You don't see me accepting other girls' gifts. . .so I wasn't expecting that you'll be accepting them wholeheartedly."

"Lunch lang naman ito, Ryker," she said which ultimately crushed my heart and ego.

Hindi lang iyon lunch para sa akin. I hate that I can't provide everything to her because she doesn't let me. Pero ang iba. . .okay lang? Nakakainis talaga 'yang Kio na 'yan at bakit ba siya nag-e-exist pa?

Lunch lang iyon para sa kan'ya. Pero para sa akin ay para bang hindi ako sapat kaya naghahanap pa siya ng iba.

"Would you still say that if I had lunch with another girl?" mahinang tanong ko. But I won't.

I don't like any other girls.

I only love Ziah.

"Edi makipag-lunch ka sa ibang babae. Pakialam ko?" She scoffed then looked at me sternly. "Ano ba tayo?"

Sakit 'te. Inaano ba kita? Naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil alam kong selos ang nagpapainit ng ulo ko ngayon. I am usually level headed. Pero hindi ko magawa ngayon dahil naiinis ako kay Kio.

I looked at her coldly. "Yeah right. Ano nga ba tayo, Aziah?"

Hindi siya nakasagot.

Tangina.

Bakit ba hirap na hirap siyang sabihin na mahal n'ya ako? Samantalang isang salita lang n'ya. . .I would give in so easily.

"Fuck it." I uttered, realizing that it was so hard to figure what goes on in her head. Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Her actions and words confused me.

"Alam mo naman yung sagot sa tanong na 'yan. Why bother making it complicated, Ry?"

"Yeah, sorry." I said, defeated.

Hinayaan ko na muna siya. I needed space away from her. Hindi na maganda na masyado na akong umaasa sa kan'ya. I shouldn't rely on her to make me happy. Kaya ginawa ko kung saan ako sanay, binabad ko ang sarili ko sa pagaaral. Yet, we were studying the same field.

"Hindi mo ba talaga ako papansinin?" Ziah asked, which caught me off guard.

"I'm talking to you, aren't I? Pinapansin kita," sabi ko sa kan'ya. We were partners for an activity. I miss. . .talking to her. No'ng hawak namin ang isa't isa kanina, kinakabahan ako na baka marinig n'ya ang tibok ng puso ko. I hate that I have to conceal my feelings to keep her because she's afraid of attachments.

"Galit ka ba?" mahinang tanong n'ya.

"Hindi? Bakit naman?"

"Kasi. . .tumanggap ako ng lunch sa ibang lalaki," she pouted her small lips.

I licked my lower lips. Ang daya mo. Alam na alam mo na nangungulila ako sa 'yo.

"Honestly, it was a lapse of mine. Wala namang tayo eh. Whatever we have is clearly physical attraction only. Pay no heed, Ziah. Kung gusto mong sa kama lang talaga ang ugnayan natin, I'll give that to you."

Natatakot lang din ako na baka mairita siya sa akin at iwan ako. She was afraid of feeling attached to something. Napansin ko na kapag lalapit ako sa kan'ya, lalayo siya  sa akin. It was as if an automatic response from her. She didn't want any attachments. . .or as if she was afraid of being attached. She avoids them like a plague. Kahit sa kaibigan, napapansin ko na hirap din silang hukayin ang pagkatao ni Ziah.

I've asked Lotte about Ziah before. Para sa kan'ya ay misteryosa rin ito. She doesn't say anything about her family that much. She doesn't think about her dreams. You can only know about her likes and dislikes by observing her, she won't tell you immediately. It was as if you've met her just so you could forget her; as if she wasn't meant to stay in your life. Gano'n ang pinaparating n'ya sa akin.

Habang magkalayo kaming dalawa. I busied myself with other things. Blessing in disguise ang isang aspin na white at brown na dumating sa buhay ko. When I first saw the dog, I knew he would be my best friend. It was instincts, a premonition of a good long bond together.

"Arf!"

"Ryzi!" I called for his attention. Ang hilig talaga gumala ng isang iyon! Umuulan pa naman!

"Ryzi! Nasaan ka na? Nandito na si Dad mo!" I kept yelling as if he could understand my language.

"Para kang gago, alam mo ba yun?" Ziah snarled at me upon seeing me. Napahinto ako sa harap n'ya. She was near Ryzi.

"Arf!" Ryzi barked.

"Ryzi!" I shouted in delight. "Nandito ka lang pala!"

"Arf arf!" Ryzi responded.

"Anong pangalan ng aso!?" Ziah gasped.

"Ryzi?" I answered.

"Ryzi!?" ulit n'ya.

"Oo, Ryzi," I nodded, then realized that it was a combination of our names. Nag-panic ako kaya naman naghanap ako ng magandang dahilan. "Ryzi Rivero pangalan n'ya."

I wasn't even a fan of the said basketball player! Pero ayoko isipin ni Ziah na patay na patay pa rin ako sa kan'ya—kahit pa totoo iyon! I don't want her to know about it! Lalo siyang lalayo sa akin.

The more I insist that I love her, the more she's likely to run away from me. She hates the idea of being chained to anyone.

It was hard to get Ziah's love. It wasn't because she was hard to love, it was actually easy to fall in love with her. Her blunt personality, sarcastic mouth, and her ability to make you feel well loved makes it all so easy. What's hard is she keeps everyone at an arm's length. Ayaw n'yang magpalapit ng tao sa kan'ya.

Ang daming nangyayari sa kan'ya pero ni isa sa mga iyon ay hindi n'ya naisip na lapitan ako. Kahit ang mga kaibigan n'ya ay ayaw n'yang pakialaman siya. I feel so useless that I couldn't even be there for her emotionally because she feels the need to isolate herself. It was as if she's on a journey and she's a lonesome traveler who prefers her own company.

"Minahal kita, Aziah, but maybe you're right, hindi ka nga marunong magmahal."

Maybe I should have believed her when she told me that she didn't want to be loved.

Hinayaan ko na siya dahil napagod ako hintayin na magbukas siya para sa akin. I cannot barge inside her life because she keeps them all locked. At kahit gustong-gusto ko siyang tulungan. . .kung ayaw n'ya kaming tumulong. . .saan kami lulugar?

Doon ko napagtantuan na no'ng kinukulit na ako ni Ziah na hindi ko pala kaya. . .that even if my heart felt betrayed because she couldn't depend on me during her dark nights; I couldn't leave her alone as well.

Ang sabi ko noon ay si Ryzi na lang ang ugnayan naming dalawa. Co-paw-rents na lang kami. Wala na akong dapat pakialam sa kan'ya. Yet whenever I see flowers, I always want to give it to her. It was already a natural response from me. I can only give flowers to my pretty baby, Ziah.

When Ryzi was hurt by someone. Ziah felt the need to remove herself once again in our lives. Hindi ko alam bakit ayaw n'yang dumepende sa ibang tao. Hindi naman siya nagi-isa. She had me and her other friends.

"No man is an island," I told Lotte as we were drinking beer on her balcony. "Eventually, she needs to ask for help from others."

Pareho kami ng problema kay Ziah. Kahit pala si Lotte ay hirap din hagilapin kung ano siya sa buhay nito. I thought Ziah was already comfortable with Lotte. Pero umamin mismo ang kaibigan n'ya na minsan ay pakiramdam n'ya ay pangsamantala lang siyang kaibigan.

"Tama ka naman," sagot sa akin ni Lotte. "But Ziah had to grow up not depending on others. Napapagalitan siya noon kapag umaasa siya sa iba. Bilang bata, kung lumaki kang gano'n, you'll feel that asking for help is shameful. Naiintindihan mo ba?"

Tumango ako at lumagok sa aking beer. "I want her. . .to realize that depending on us and asking help is okay."

"It's a process," sabi ni Lotte. "Ziah thinks that having someone close to her entails she needs to take care of them. Hindi n'ya naiisip na may magaalaga rin sa kan'ya. Hindi nga n'ya ito nakukwento. Kailangan ay lasingin pa siya para malaman ko ang mga ito."

I sighed. "I know."

My baby has gone through a lot. . .and I'm beyond proud of her. I just want her to know that we're also here. She can depend on me as well. hindi siya mag-isa. Hindi n'ya kailangan kayanin ang lahat. She can tell me what's wrong, what's hurting her, and what I can do to help.

"Lotte!" Someone looked out for Lotte. Kumunot ang noo ko. Tangina, yung anak nung senator!

Tandang-tanda ko siya dahil binilhan siya ni Ziah ng condom! Ang daya talaga! Si Ziah ang halos umubos ng stocks ko sa kwarto pero hindi n'ya ako binibilhan! Samantalang itong batang ito ay binilhan n'ya! Eh mukha namang batang nawawala sa mall!

"Ano iyon? Kiran?" Lumingon si Lotte sa kan'ya.

Kanina pa siya rito sa condo ni Lotte. He didn't even say hi to me. Sobrang snob nito! I didn't put a fuss since we didn't know each other that well and also I think he's a dear friend of Lotte.

"Okay lang ba ako?" he asked, nervously. Nakaduro siya sa kan'yang damit. His hair was styled as well.

"Oo?" Lotte's eyebrow raised. "Bakit ka nagpapapogi?"

Kiran sighed then frustratedly raked his hair using his fingers. "Basta."

Nagulat ako dahil nagpabango pa si gago. He sprayed an expensive looking bottle right in front of himself. May lakad ba siya? Nangunot ang noo ko at napasimsim sa aking beer.

Natawa si Lotte. "Ang gago! Bakit ka pa nagpabango? May babae ka ano? Akala ko ba naghahanap ka lang ng writer para sa script mo? Bakit nagpapabango pa? Eh, video call lang 'yan?"

Kiran glared at her, his cat-like eyes squinting. Hindi n'ya pinansin ang pangaasar ni Lotte. Pero napangisi naman ako. Mukhang safe siya sa akin. Mukhang may pinopormahan na iba. Nahihibang lang dahil bakit nagpabango pa at nagpapogi kung video call lang naman pala? Ang lala.

Ziah and I took a quick break from each other. Nasanay na lang ako sa madalas n'yang paglayo. Ang sabi ko na lang. . .I'll give her the space that she needs and the space reserved for her if she wants to come back.

Nakakainis lang dahil may Jahiel na sumusulpot. Akala n'ya yata ay nacu-cute-an ako sa kan'ya. Di n'ya alam ang sarap n'yang tirisin! Ayaw nila tantanan ang Ziah ko! Kainis.

Marami pang dumaang pangyayari kay Ziah. And as much as I want to help her, my girl is clearly someone who's independent and wants to find justice on her own.

Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung sakaling mawala siya sa akin. Kaya no'ng nabalitaan ko na sinakal siya at halos mag-agaw buhay sa emergency room ay nagdasal ako. . .I prayed to take me instead of her. I prayed so hard that my knees were bruised because I didn't stand for hours. I only wanted Him to give Ziah back to us.

With my tear-stained cheeks, I prayed that He heals my Ziah and offer myself instead.

Kaya no'ng nagising si Ziah. Hinihintay ko na lang ang kapalit. Kung sakali man na ako nga ang kabayaran sa buhay ni Ziah. . .I didn't mind because I want her to live her life to the fullest. I was happy to spend my remaining hours with her.

A stab. . .made me unconscious. It was a sudden attack. Nahuli siya agad dahil ito ang huli kong nakita bago ako nawalan ng malay. I just remember going out of campus. Susunduin ko na dapat si Ziah. Yayayain ko sanang kumain sa labas. Pero may nag-abang sa akin. I wasn't able to react because he was fast. All I could remember was the impact of my fall and me trying to register what happened.

This is what I prayed for. . .right?

But God doesn't always give us what we pray for. . .He instead gives us what we need.

"He's stable!" A nurse gasped when my consciousness came back. Lahat ay halos nakapalibot sa akin. May mga apparatus na nakakabit sa akin. It was as if everything flashed in my mind. I wanted to live longer. . .for Ziah.

Nakita ko si Lotte na halos nanglaki ang mga mata nang makitang nagising na ako. She was saying something but my ears were buzzing. Wala akong maintindihan at muling pumikit.

I woke up with a dizzy head. Nakita ko lang si Ziah na nasa tabi ko. She was sleeping peacefully. Agad kong hinapo ang kan'yang ulo. My baby's here. . .a smile spreaded on my lips.

Bahagya siyang nagising nang hawakan ko ang kan'yang ulo. She stood as soon as my hands reached her. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo.

"Ziah—" my words were cut short because she hugged me tight. Ang pagyakap n'ya ang naging unang bungad ko.

"Nakakainis ka! Hindi ka p'wedeng mamatay, naiintindihan mo ba iyon!?" galit n'yang bulyaw sa akin.

"Hindi naman ako namatay?!" I laughed amidst the situation. I looked at her and saw that her eyes were red. Mukhang umiyak siya nang umiyak. "I'm sorry for. . .worrying you."

"Bawal kang mamatay, nakakainis ka talaga," umiiyak n'yang saad.

"Ginawa mo naman akong immortal 'te," I laughed and she hugged me tighter which caught me off guard. Napatitig ako kay Ziah na halos hinigpitan ang hawak sa akin.

"I love you," she whispered slowly. Her voice sounded warm, it felt like melted marshmallow on my ears.

"Ziah. . ." I was stunned. "Kailangan ko pa palang mamatay para marinig 'yan sa 'yo?"

"Nakakainis kang hayop ka!" she yelled at me.

"Wala," I laughed as I snuggled on her neck. "Zombie na ako. Gusto na kitang kainin."

"Nakakainis kayong dalawa," padabog na binaba ni Lotte ang isang basket ng prutas. Kapapasok n'ya lang ng kwarto. "Bakit hindi pa kayo natuluyan at sa heaven na lang nagkita?" Umirap pa siya.

Tumawa lang ako. "Grabe? Parang di mo ako iniyakan, Lotte."

"Nagsayang ako ng luha! Tagal mo kasing dumilat, nakakairita ka! Nagpapalakas ako sa 'yo kasi type ko kapatid mo, tapos mamamatay ka lang? Bwisit!" reklamo ni Lotte.

"What? Type mo kapatid ko?" I looked at her with puzzled eyes. Anong pinagsasabi nito?

Hindi sumagot si Lotte at tumawa lang nang bahagya si Ziah.

"Mas malala naman si Ziah!" kwento ni Lotte saka ngumisi. "Iniyakan yung patay na katawan sa morgue kasi akala n'ya ikaw 'yon! Muntik pa kami mapaaway kasi dumating yung asawa! Patay na nga, nagkaroon pa ng kabit! Muntik na talaga sakalin yung patay ng asawa n'ya! Double dead na siya!"

Namula ang mga pisngi ni Ziah, which confirmed the story as true. Natawa na lang ako dahil hindi ko inakalang iiyakan ako ni Ziah. I thought she was distant to me because she didn't care. . .but maybe it was her default emotion.

Hindi kumakalas si Ziah nang yakap sa akin. Halos para siyang koala dahil ang lambing-lambing n'ya ngayon. Kinakabahan tuloy ako dahil kapag ganito siya. . .she usually takes a break from me.

"May gusto ka bang sabihin?" I asked her almost immediately.

Her eyes looked at me. Para itong naninimbang kung sasabihin n'ya ba o hindi muna.

"Ziah?"

She sighed. "Can we take a. . .a break from each other?"

"Why?" I asked her hoarsely. I knew that she was thinking of it, kaya siya malambing ngayon.

"I just feel like we still have a lot of things that we need to fix," sabi n'ya sa akin. "Nakausap ko ang kapatid ko, si Queenie. She feels bad because both of her parents are the reason why my life took a deadly turn."

"Really?" I asked, inayos ko ang pagkakaupo. "Anong sinabi mo? Anong napagusapan n'yo?"

She sighed and hugged me tighter. "It's not her fault, Ry. Sanay rin naman ako na ako ang sinisisi ng mga tao sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman kasalanan. Kaya nga. . .ayokong isipin ni Queenie na gano'n. I want to spend time with her. She cried and even kneeled to me. . .alam mo 'yon? She's still a kid, hindi n'ya dapat prinoproblema ang mga nagawa ng magulang n'ya."

"You really want a break? From me? From us?"

"I want you to try to find someone else," she outright told me. "Lumandi ka. Try to explore your horizons more. I won't stop you. Don't let your memories of me stop you."

"Bakit? Hindi kita maintindihan," umiling-iling ako sa kan'ya. "You love me. . ."

Ngumiti siya sa akin. "I do. . .but I want you to try to love someone else first. . .habang hindi pa ako handa magmahal."

"Ziah. . ."

"Please, Ry?" pagmamakaawa n'ya. "I don't want you to waste your life on me. I want you to explore first. Ito lang naman ang kinakatakot ko. Baka nao-overwhelm ka lang at sa tingin mo ako na ang mahal mo. . ."

"Ikaw lang talaga," I firmly told her.

Her eyes glistened in tears. "I know. . .but a part of me feels I need to confirm it first. I really don't want to break your heart. Hindi pa ako handa sa ngayon. I want to build a better version of myself first."

"Then give me an assurance," I begged her. Hinawakan ko siya sa kan'yang kamay. "Kahit ano. . ."

"If mag-top ka sa MTLE. . .sige, balikan mo ako," she said. "I promise I'll love you better that time. I'll build myself better so you can have the best version of me, Ry."

"Paano kung hindi?" I frustratedly told her.

Ngumiti siya. "Magt-top ka. I just know."

Napapikit ako. Parang wala naman akong choice kung ayaw n'ya pang maging kami. I just have to accept that I need to study hard to top the MTLE.

She wants to build a better version of herself. . .not knowing that I already love the flawed version of her.

Pinakulong ni Ziah ang mga magulang ni Queenie. Utos ng nanay ng kapatid n'ya ang pagsaksak sa akin. Her father comply because he loves her that much. She was determined to make Ziah suffer; not knowing it can backfire. Iyon ang huli kong balita sa kan'ya. I busied myself with my course and even when I have the chance to go near Ziah because we're at the same school with the same course, hinayaan ko muna siya sa gusto n'ya.

I tried dating others. . .because that's what she wanted. Pero palagi akong umuuwi na para bang kulang. And the memories of a woman dressed in a racer back top and shorts would flash back in my mind. She was embedded inside me. Napapikit na lang ako. This was indeed hard. I couldn't get off her my system.

"Ayan," I said as I successfully created a profile for Ryzi.

"Ginawan mo siya ng instagram account?" tanong ni Eastre sa akin nang makita kung ano ang pinagkakaabalahan ko.

"Yes," I nodded.

"Bakit?"

"Para makahanap na siya ng chicks n'ya," I told him and showed that Ryzi was following other pets' accounts. "See? Kailangan na n'ya kumayod para magkaroon na siya ng lovelife."

"Tangina mo talaga," Eastre shook his head, natatawa na lang. "Ang lala mo kapag wala si Ziah sa tabi mo."

I sighed as my shoulders loosened. That was the truth. I'm not Ryker Miguel Adeva without Princess Aziah Florencio. Para akong naglalakad ng walang direksyon.

I've learned of the reason why her father stabbed me. Utos ito ng kan'yang asawa. He was willing to follow every whim of hers. Kahit pa buhay na ng iba ang hinihingi n'ya. I was furious because she was determined to make Ziah's life as a living hell. Mabuti na lang na makukulong sila at mabubulok sila roon.

Pudpod ako sa pagaaral para sa MTLE. Hindi para sa magulang. Hindi para sa ibang tao. . .kung hindi para lang kay Ziah. She was the sole reason why I was trying to achieve it. Nagsunog talaga ako ng kilay at halos i-alay na si Cal para lang masiguradong papasa ako.

Hindi ako kinabahan sa MTLE. Mas kinabahan pa ako na baka hindi sumunod si Ziah sa usapan. I really badly want to be with her now. I want her so badly that I couldn't even feel tired just so I could be with her.

Nakapikit ako habang tinitingnan ang resulta. My friends were pestering me to look at it already. Nang imulat ko ang mga mata ko. My breathing hitched as soon as the rank was shown to me.

RANK
1. ADEVA, RYKER MIGUEL COSTALES

Agad-agad akong nagtungo sa condo ni Ziah. I didn't even care if she moved out or something. I didn't contact her immediately. I wanted to show the results to her myself.

Kilala na ako sa lobby kaya naman nagpa-iwan na lang ng ID. Hindi na nila ako hinarang. In the elevator, I was reciting my words carefully. I hope she honors her words as well.

Dala-dala ko si Ryzi na kasalukuyan na tahimik ngayon, mukhang nangungulila rin sa nanay n'ya. When we reached her floor. I feel my heartbeat racing like crazy. Kabado ako na baka tanggihan na naman n'ya ako.

I knocked on her condo unit. Nang buksan n'ya ito. I was stunned to see her once again. Medyo humaba na ang buhok n'ya pero kulot ito. She was beaming at me.

"Ziah—"

I got cut off by her lips crashing onto mine.

"Congrats, top one," she said amidst our kiss. She looked at me affectionately as if she missed me as well. As if she was longing to see me too. "Congrats din siguro. . .boyfriend ko."

I kissed her deeply and passionately in return. My Ziah. . .really surprises me every damn time. But this time, I know her better now. I should be more patient with her. I should understand that her distance doesn't mean she doesn't love me—it only means she's scared of being left behind again. And it's my duty to never let her ask herself 'if only you loved me'. . .because I ardently do and I'll always love her beyond her fears and doubts.

#####

Aziah Florencio

Konting pasilip sa bold namin ni Ryker Adeva. 🫶

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Calbo Natix kailan ka kaya mahahard launch ng ganito Eastre Zaguirre 

Eastre Zaguirre TANGINA MO Calbo Natix Ryker Adeva mapanglamang kayo sa people 🙁

Audrey Adeva Aaa! Finally! If only you loved her earlier Ryker Adeva edi sana matagal ka na na-hard launch!

Ryker Adeva nope! there's no such thing as if only you loved me from ziah :) I always love her.