dedicated to people who are fighting their own internal battles everyday; you are brave for living.

TW: Suicidal Ideation, foul language, death

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Messenger
Aziah Florencio

ziah, mama mo 2to, sorry ha?
uwi k na, anak.

zasabihin ko naman sa papa mu. sorry.

sorry ziah, uwi ka na pls

gabi na, delikado s daan

usap naman tau aziah

mahal kita, anak

sorry talaga

aziah, i love u

ingat ka pauwi

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Chapter 25

When I was young, I wanted to have a father. Kapag may family day, magtataka ang mga teachers ko kung bakit si Mama lang ang nandoon. Sometimes, despite sounding insensitive, they would directly ask her where my father was—which would make my mother uncomfortable. Alam ko iyon dahil ako na mismo ang di sumasali sa mga Family Day—I would fake an illness or even break a bone just not to participate in it.

Pero bata pa ako n'on, natural na maging curious ako kung sino ba ang naging dahilan bakit hirap na hirap sa buhay si Mama. I rummaged through her closet, her purses, her jewelry boxes—and I found a picture of a man in his twenties in one of her old wallets. Nagbabakbak na ang wallet na iyon pero hindi pa n'ya itinatapon.

The man had curly locks, a smile so sweet that you would remember it right away, and he was looking straight in the picture as if he was amazed by the one who took it. Sa likod ng larawan ay isang kupas na tinta ng ballpen na lamang ang nakaukit doon.

Prince.

I would ask Mama about my father after I discovered it. She would tell stories of how great he was—and I would always find a way to disrupt her story because if he was so great then why did he leave us?

Hindi n'ya ako sinasagot.

Kaya hindi ko na ito muling tinanong sa kan'ya.

"Your mother passed away due to the severe injuries sustained in a car accident," saad sa akin ng Doctor habang nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. "I am sorry for your loss."

I rushed here as soon as the news came to me. Hingal na hingal ako dahil halos takbuhin ko ang kada sulok ng hospital para tingnan kung nasaan si Mama; only to be greeted by someone to tell me of what happened. Ang nakapagbalita pa sa akin ay iyong kapitbahay namin na madalas kausap ni Mama sa umaga. She found her near our gate; swimming in her own blood. Dinala sa hospital pero dead on arrival na.

The news were. . .a little too funny for me. Kagabi lang ay magkaaway kaming dalawa. Tapos ngayong umaga ay wala na siya? Iniwan na n'ya ako? Hindi na kami maguusap? Hindi na namin maaayos yung pinag-awayan namin?

What a sick joke. A fucking comedy!

Ako lang ang nag-asikaso sa funeral ni Mama. I didn't have anyone to lean on anymore. Naalala ko noon na kapag galing ako sa school at pagod na, Mama would take care of me even if she have just gotten out of her job. Wala pa siyang pahinga pero mas inuuna n'yang asikasuhin ako.

Hindi ko alam kung sinu-sino ang mga pupunta. I only posted on Facebook and prayed that it would reach the right people who cared for her. Marami siyang kaibigan na nakiramay sa akin; ang ilan ay nag-volunteer na tulungan ako sa mga kailangan gawin at asikasuhin. They even told me that they would provide for the things that my mother's memorial life plan didn't cover.

Even in her death, she would think of me. Ayaw n'ya sigurong mahirapan akong mag-asikaso nito kaya naman inunahan na n'ya. Everything that she does would always be for my betterment.

Miss ko na agad si Mama.

"Palaging nagmamadaling umuwi ang mama mo," sabi ng katrabaho n'ya habang nasa tabi ko. "Wala ka raw kasing kasabay kumain kung di siya uuwi agad."

"A-alam ko po," I smiled despite the pain. "Mabait iyon eh."

"Mahal ka n'ya," hinigpitan n'ya ang hawak sa kamay ko. "Palagi kang binibida sa amin ng mama mo. Proud na proud siya sa 'yo."

I was just sitting in one of the front chairs near her casket while most of the people were remembering the good memories that they had with my mother.

My eyes stung, ang mga luha na pinipigilan ko ay unti-unting pumatak sa aking pisngi. I know, she wasn't a perfect mother—but she was a good one despite everything.

Tumayo ako at niyakap yung katrabaho ni Mama. She would comfort me and tell me that she hopes that the one who hit Mama would be behind bars already; hanggang ngayon kasi ay hindi pa rin ito nahahanap. I fear that I wouldn't be able to bring justice to what happened to her.

"Ziah!" Lotte came in, wearing a black dress. She looked around and immediately hugged me as soon as she saw my figure.

"B-bakit ka nandito?" My voice cracked.

Hinampas ni Lotte ang likod ko. "Tangina mo! Bakit di ka nagsasabi!? Nagaalala na kami dahil di ka pumapasok tapos malalaman na lang namin na w-wala na si tita?"

My ears felt like it was having a mixture of sounds inserted in it. Wala akong marinig kung hindi ang sariling tibok ng puso ko. Parang hindi ko pa tanggap. Hindi ko pa kaya na wala si Mama.

"L-lotte," I cried in her arms. Mahigpit n'ya akong niyakap pabalik habang patuloy ang pag-iyak ko sa kan'ya.

"Ziah. . ." she hushed me. "Everything's going to be okay. Nandito ako. Nandito kami. Okay? Hindi ka namin iiwan."

"Kasalanan k-ko," I admitted while sobbing. "Namatay si Mama dahil sa akin! A-ako ang gumawa n'on sa kan'ya! S-sana ako na lang! Ako na lang yung nawala!"

"Ziah!" pagalit na saway ni Lotte. Her eyes started to get red on its side. "Tangina mo, huwag mong sasabihin 'yan!"

Para akong araw-araw binayaran upang umiyak. Halos pigain ako upang kunin lahat ng tubig sa aking katawan. I would cry endlessly for the moments that I've lost with my mother.

Namamaga na ang mga mata ko. My curls would show effortlessly because combing wasn't even an option for me anymore. Kahit anong gawin ni Lotte ay hindi rin nila ako makausap nang matino.

I was only brought back to my feet when someone yanked my hair. Halos matanggal ang anit ko nang hilahin ito ng kung sino mang nasa likod ko.

"Walang hiya ka! Sabi ko na nga ba salot kang hayop ka! Pinatay mo ang anak ko!" she yelled at my face as she pulled my hair.

Everyone gasped as soon as the show unveiled itself—a grandmother pulling her own granddaughter's hair.

Napapikit ako. Pagtatanggol ako ni Mama. Hindi n'ya ako masasaktan. Nandito si Mama para ipagtanggol ako.

I smiled bitterly as the tears started to moist my sight. Wala ka ng Mama, Ziah. Sinong magtatanggol sa 'yo?

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Sana ikaw na lang yung namatay! Sana ikaw yung nasa loob ng kabaong ngayon! Ililibing na kita—"

Tinanggap ko lahat ng sinabi n'ya. I let her words carved in my heart so I would remember them clearly. I would always remind myself that I was the one who caused my own pain. I was responsible for my own misery. I should be the one who put an end on it.

"Aray! Ko!" My grandmother shouted as someone pulled her hair. Nabitawan n'ya ang buhok ko kaya naman nanginginig kong pinanood kung paano siya kaladkarin ni Lotte palayo sa kabaong ni Mama.

"Ikaw hukluban ka! Hindi pumapatol sa matanda si Ziah! Pero ako? Halika rito, amoy suka ka pa!" Lotte dragged my grandmother outside by pulling her hair.

"B-bitawan mo ako! Ipapa-barangay kita!" Lola hissed at Lotte.

Natawa si Lotte at dinuro-duro ang lola ko. "Attitude ka rin ano? Ang galing magpanggap na concern? Ano? Porke't ang ipapamana sa anak mo ay mapupunta kay Ziah? Kaya ka nanggagalaiti d'yan? Huwag lang magalala! As soon as makuha namin yung titulo ng lupa, magpapatayo kami ng swimming pool! At hindi ka invited! Bawal mga masasamang tao roon!"

"Lotte!" saway ko. "T-tama na. . ."

Nanginginig ako habang pinipigilan si Lotte. Her eyes suddenly softened. Ang kaninang mataray na mukha ay halos naging maamo. She held my hand tightly as if assuring me that I won't be hurt in her watch.

"P-pagod na ako," I cried as soon as I was able to speak. "Please, tama na."

Kasi tanggap ko ang sinabi ng aking lola; ako talaga ang dahilan bakit nawala si Mama. I should have stayed that night. I should have talked with her. I should have told her how much I loved her. Hindi nila kailangan ipamukha sa akin dahil araw-araw kong sinisisi ang sarili ko sa nangyari.

Sana sinabi ko na mahal ko siya.

Pero hindi ko ginawa. Hindi ko na rin magagawa. Wala na si Mama.

Napaalis ni Lotte si lola sa lamay ni Mama. I was shaking as Lotte helped me rest in my room.

"Ako na bahala," Lotte said and helped me by covering me with a blanket. "Ako na magaasikaso. Magpahinga ka na muna."

"Paano ang eulogy?" tanong ko kahit paos na ang boses dahil sa pagod.

"Kaya mo ba?"

Unti-unti akong umiling. Hanggang ngayon ay duwag pa rin pala talaga ako. The mere thought of admitting that I neglected my own mother was terrifying for me. Malalaman nila na wala akong kwentang anak.

She sighed as she massaged my hair by combing it using her fingers. "Ako na bahala. May mga kamag-anak ka namang di demonyo, kakausapin ko na lang."

"S-salamat."

"Pasensya na sa gulo kanina ha?" Lotte apologized. "Ayoko sana patulan kasi mamamatay naman na iyon pero sobra na eh. Saka, kakasama ko ito kay Kiran! Sama ng ugali n'on."

"Bagay kayo," pangaasar ko.

She pretended like she cut her throat by slicing it using her thumb. "Tumahimik ka kung ayaw mong mag-friendship over tayo. Ayoko kay Conjuanco, sis—p'wede pala! Sa Kuya na lang n'ya!"

Ngumiti lang ako. I know that Lotte doesn't like Kiran. Katulad ko si Lotte, she likes to get what she wants in a snap. Spoiled brat talaga siya. . .pero maaasahan mo kapag kailangan mo.

Ilang araw ang lumipas at nailibing si Mama nang matiwasay. Lotte helped me go through it. Yet the grief after it was too much to bare for me.

Alam kong may patalim sa bahay. Pero para silang nagtatago sa akin. Hindi ko alam saan sila nilagay ni Mama.

Sa kwarto ko ay nagsimula akong maghanap ng patalim. Umaasa ako na kaya ng. . .eyebrow blade ang gusto kong gawin.

My eyes were once again starting to produce tears. Hindi ko alam kung magpapaalam pa ako sa mga naging mahalaga sa buhay ko. Malulungkot lang sila. Ayoko rin na bigyan sila ng aalahanin. It was better to leave than letting them live with the guilt that they could have saved me—because they can't.

Because I didn't want to be saved.

I was determined to leave. Magulo ang buong bahay. Hinahanap ko ang bagay na magpapatigil ng sakit—ang magdudugtong sa akin kay Mama. I would be with her again. Babawi ako sa kan'ya. Sasamahan ko na siya.

I saw the sharp item underneath my bed. Agad akong yumuko at unti-unting bumaba upang abutin iyon.

There was a thud on my door. Paulit-ulit. Parang may bumabangga rito. My eyes were misty, namamaga rin dahil sa pag-iyak.

Sinong kakatok? Ako na lang naman ang tao rito, ah?

I groaned then opened it. A dog immediately barked at me. He was smiling like a kid finally being acknowledged by his mother.

"B-bakit?" Pinalis ko ang luha ko. "Ano ba iyon!?"

Ryzi was pushing me towards a direction. Iritado akong pumunta sa tinuturo n'yang lugar. It was the dining area. I saw a plate near the chair. May tinapay ito na may laway ni Ryzi. . .but it looked like he prepared it for me.

He went to the bread and grabbed it using his teeth. Inabot n'ya sa akin yung tinapay. Inuutasan n'ya pa yata ako kumain.

"May dog food ka ah?" sita ko sa kan'ya.

"Arf! Arf!" he barked at me as if he was telling me. . .that I should eat.

Hindi pa pala ako kumakain.

I sighed then prepared my own meal. Inasikaso ko rin ang pagkain n'ya. I was worried that no one was taking care of Ryzi while I was away. . .pero mukhang inalagaan siya ni Ryker habang wala ako. Hindi ko binalita kay Ryker yung nangyari pero pakiramdam ko ay nasabihan na siya ni Lotte.

Maybe he didn't care as well. After all, nasaktan ko siya. All I can do to the people that I love is to hurt them anyway.

"Tapos ka na kumain?" tanong ko kay Ryzi.

He wiggled his tail. "Arf!"

I proceeded with my plan. Siguro naman may makakakita kay Ryzi kung sakaling. . .iwan ko siya rito.

Pero wala pang limang segundo ay tumae si Ryzi at nilaro ang tae n'ya. I was frustrated because I had to clean it up. May pa-heart pang nalalaman itong asong ito! Manang-mana sa ama!

Ginabi na ako kakalinis ng tae ni Ryzi na kumalat sa buong bahay. I sighed and took a bath. It calmed me a bit. I would. . .do it tomorrow. Baka sa madaling araw.

After I took a bath, humiga na ako sa kama. Basa pa ang buhok ko pero pumikit na ako. Kapag nagising ako ng madaling araw—sasama na ako kay Mama. I was sure of it.

Pero tinanghali na ako ng gising dahil tinago yata ni Ryzi ang alarm clock ko. Nagising ako sa sinag ng araw na tumatama sa aking mukha. All I could feel was Ryzi's face on my face because he slept next to me, he was in my arms, sleeping soundly. Nagising lang siya nang gumalaw ako.

"Bakit pakiramdam ko, alam mong malungkot ako?" paos kong tanong kay Ryzi.

"Arf?" Ryzi tilted its head and smiled at me, he showed me his tongue and licked my face.

It's weird that humans can't express themselves yet pets like Ryzi can do it so well.

Napabuntonghininga ako at niyakap si Ryzi.

Sorry, Mama. Hindi ako makakasunod sa 'yo. Kailangan pa ako ni Ryzi. I want to take good care of him because he took great care of me.