accidentally deleted this chapter. 😭
Thank you Coco!

*****
Calbo Natix
Ang I sa Iscaleon ay siloso. 😢

*****

Chapter 37

There's a part of me who's grinning mischievously because of what he uttered. I know that Iscaleon is reasonable for most of the time but I almost forgot that he's also the type to get jealous easily.

"Sure ka? Sasamahan mo ako?" I shot up a brow at him.

Naglalakad na kami patungo sa dance floor. Some of the people around us were already eyeing Iscaleon. Malamang, ang gwapo eh. Bagong mukha rin sa iba kaya naman naninibago sila kung bakit may nerd ngayong gabi.

"Yes," he said firmly. "You could do whatever you want, papanoorin lang kita."

"Ah talaga?"

"Talaga."

Iscaleon with his black thin rimmed glasses had the air of being untouchable. Mukha talaga siyang magsusungit kapag kinausap mo ngayong gabi. Sobrang dilim ng paligid maliban sa mga neon lights at signages, halos hindi ko mamukhaan ang ibang mga taong nakaharap sa amin.

Iscaleon guided me up the stairs, making sure that I wouldn't miss a step. He held me on my waist which sent electricity on my skin despite the thin layer of fabric being a hindrance for him to touch me. Lumingon ako sa kan ya habang nakakunot ang noo.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping you?" he answered back with a cocky way of raising his brow.

"Sinabi ko ba na kailangan ko tulong mo? Gawain lang yan ng boyfriend.. di naman kita boyfriend 'di ba?" I mocked him. Unti-unting binitawan n'ya ang pagkakahawak sa akin.

He sighed, "Okay."

Natapilok ako agad nang di ko namalayan ang susunod kong hakbang. Buti na lang na hawak pa rin pala ni Iscaleon ang braso ko.
Bakit naman kasi ganito ang hagdanan sa East Drive!? Sabotahe rin talaga!

"Di ko alam na kailangan mo na rin pala ng boyfriend dahil lang sa paglalakad?" He threw a flout at me which ultimately made me glared at him. Inalalayan n'ya ako hanggang makababa na kami sa mismong dance floor.

"Edi huwag mo gawin! Di naman kita Di naman kita boyfriend!"

"Celest," he uttered like a warning.

"Totoo naman? Bitaw na," hinila ko ang kamay ko mula sa kan'ya.
"Umuwi ka na. Wala ka namang dapat gawin dito. Magpahinga ka na."

"I can't."

"Anong 'I can't' ka d'yan? Hindi ko naman hawak ang susi ng sasakyan mo? Malaya kang makakaalis," hirit ko sa kan'ya.

"I can't rest knowing you're here trying to find someone else," he said in his gentle voice. "I'm sorry."

Nag-init ang ulo ko sa sinabi n'ya. I scoffed then shook my head in dismay. Really, Celest? Dito mo gusto maging tanga?

Sa isang tao na hindi alam kung ano ba talagang gusto n'yang mangyari? Sa lalaki na para bang walang plano sa 'yo?

"Ang hirap mo basahin, alam mo yun?" naiinis kong saad sa kan'ya.

"Nagpapakatanga ako sa 'yo eh. Pero ikaw itong tumutulak sa akin palayo. Tapos ngayong lumalayo ako, hihilahin mo ako pabalik? Eh paano kung ayaw ko na bumalik?"

Iscaleon lowered his head. "I want to make it up to you but I can't. and I shouldn't— all I could ever do is my sincere apology for hurting you."

"I don't need it," giit ko sa kan'ya. "All I ever wanted was to be loved by you but all you ever gave me was false hope. maybe it was for the better that we ended my graduation. I deserved better than this, Cal."

Winaksi ko na ang kamay n'yang nakahawak sa akin. I had to swallow the bile on my throat as I forced myself not to cry. This is all my fault. Hindi ako dapat umasa na baka sakaling mas gusto n'ya pa akong makasama nang mas matagal. I was blinded by my own greed of wanting to be loved.

"Hey," someone held me in the dark.

Nilingon ko ito at nakitang si Ryker ang humawak sa aking braso.
He was wearing a white polo and black slacks. He tilted his head upon seeing my expression. Agad n'yang kinapa ang pisngi ko. I couldn't read his expression but he was pissed.

"Ditch him, Cel," he said. "If you're making yourself too available for others—you won't be available for yourself."

"I'm trying?! Pigilan mo kasi ang pagiging gwapo ng kaibigan mo para naman tahimik na ang buhay ko."

"Try harder," bulong ni Ryker sa akin.

"Huwag mong hintayin may gawin pa akong sisira sa pagkakaibigan namin ni Iscaleon."

I looked at him. ..and stalled for a bit. What does he mean by that?

He grinned mischievously at me. "I'm not above stealing someone else's girl if she's being neglected, Cel. Besides. hindi ka naman na n'ya babae, 'di ba?"

My lips started to stretch. Natulala ako sa pagkakasabi n'ya no'n! Ano bang nangyayari sa kan'ya dahil parang kinukulam siya sa ma pinagsasabi n'ya eh!

Nagulat ako nang akbayan ako ni Ryker.

Lumingon kaming dalawa kay Cal na halos natulos sa kan'yang pwesto. He looked at Ryker almost immediately as soon as his arms were around me.

"Uwi ka na, Cal," kaswal na sabi ni Ryker.

"Ako naman kasama ni Celest eh."

Lalong dumilim ang ekspresyon ni Cal. He was as if fighting with his own demons when he shot him a quick glare.

Napailing-iling si Cal. Doon ako kumulo nang husto. I cleared my throat and nodded. I share the same sentiments with Ryker.

Halata naman na pagod at puyat si Cal kaya bakit pa siya nandito?

"You should go home, Cal," I told him.

"Nagsasayang ka lang ng oras dito.
Magpahinga ka na. You don't have to be with me.. saka may maguuwi naman talaga sa akin mamaya. You should go home already."

When he heard those words coming out from my mouth, I could see the hurt registering in his face. Para siyang tutang tumango. He sauntered his way out.

Naramdaman ko ang pagbawi ng pag-akbay sa akin ni Ryker. Pinanood naming maglakad palayo si Iscaleon.

"Kaya mo naman pala eh," Ryker butt in.

"Cal isn't in the right state but it doesn't mean he could act like an asshole. Ako na yung gago sa tropa namin, wag na siyang sumapaw."

"Gago ka."

"Pero seryoso, huwag mong hayaan na di n'ya ma-realize na hindi ka kawalan. He's too complacent that you wouldn't find someone else.. " Lumapit si Ryker muli sa akin upang malamyos na bumulong. "Kaya mo naman 'di ba?"

Tumango naman ako. That's right, I shouldn't be walking on eggshells just because I know his situation.

Pero hindi ko mapigilan ang nararamdaman awa sa kalagayan n'ya ngayon.

I should stay firm with this. Hindi porke't mahal ko pa ay hahayaan ko na ang ginagawa n'ya sa akin. I can forgive him but I shouldn't let him in my life again.. tama na siguro na hanggang dito na lang kami.

I decided to unblock someone after the night delved in. Nagtipa ako ng maikling mensahe para kay Caleb dahil sa lahat yata ng kalandian ko ay siya ang pinakanadamay sa nangyari sa akin. I should have rejected him on the spot knowing that I couldn't possibly love someone else after what happened to Iscaleon and I.

Celest:
Sorry for not being clear with you.
Ayoko pa makipag-relasyon. Not to be cliché but it's not really you, it's a me problem.

It's okay if you won't reply to me anymore. Gusto ko lang
mag-sorry.

Caleb:
Hey.
Pauwi na ako this Friday. After flight, usap ulit tayo? This time, no cars. Haha

I don't want you walking out in the night again. That seriously scared me, Cel.

And please, don't say sorry.
It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you further into a relationship when you weren't ready.
I'll take whatever you can offer.

Celest:
Friends?

Caleb:
Yun lang 😢

Celest:
НАНАНА
Pero seryoso, I'm sorry if I'm a complicated
person to deal with.

Caleb:
You're not.
I know your pain in your previous relationship or a pain in your past might have affected the way you are today. Alam ko rin na hindi naman yun excuse para manakit ka ng iba.

Pero hindi naman p'wedeng sisihin mo lang ang sarili mo sa mga sugat na hindi naman ikaw ang gumawa, right?

However, Cel, it is your responsibility to heal your wounds:) no one else can but only you can.

Celest:
Huh.
Sana nga :)

Nanubig ang ma mata ko. I just wanted to be with Cal even when it was hurting me to the core. Is it too much to ask him to define what we used to be? Minahal n'ya ba talaga ako? His sweet actions are alike to nothing if there are no words that could possible make me feel at ease that it wasn't just a dream for the both of us to be together.

I visited Tita Istelle in her room at the hospital that she's staying in. Habang tumatagal siya roon, mas napapansin ko ang unti-unting pagbalik ng kulay ng kan'yang balat. I would bring her apples and oranges. Pinagbabalat ko siya habang kinukwentuhan n'ya ako ng mga storya tungkol kay Cal.

"Cal grew up not knowing how to express his feelings. sabi nila ay mature na bata raw si Cal noon dahil nagta-tantrums na ang ibang bata pero siya ay nananatiling nagiisip kung ano ang dapat n'yang sabihin sa sitwasyon," salaysay ni Tita Istelle habang nakatitig sa mga mansanas na hinati-hati ko na gamit ng isang kutsilyo.

Nakaupo lang ako halos sa tabi nya.
Pinakikinggan ko siya nang maigi dahil mukhang kanina pa siya walang kausap.

Hindi ko naman magawang itanong kung nasaan sina Iscalade at Iscaleon dahil alam ko naman na halos gabi ang pagbisita nilang dalawa. I wasn't sure if they were even finished studying. si Cal ang alam ko ay may internship pang need i-render o di kaya'y mag-re-review pa yun para sa board exam.

"Celest?"

"Yes, Tita?" agap ko sa kan'ya.

"I'm sorry. Ang daldal ko na naman," nahihiyang sabi n'ya. "I probably just miss talking."

Ah.. si Tito Cayden siguro ang kadalasan n'yang kausap kaya naman naninibago siya sa amin. Tito probably likes her stories as well and listens to her attentively. Hanggang ngayon kasi ay di n'ya ito kinakausap. Ako na nga mismo ang naaawa kay Tito dahil minsan ay naaabutan ko siyang nakaabang lang sa may pintuan, hinihintay ang tawag ni Tita Istelle.

Ngumiti ako. "Okay lang po...pero tita, p'wede ba ako magtanong?"
"Ano yun?"

"Do you regret anything in your life?"

Pain passed across her eyes. "I'm actually regretting something right now."

"Ano po yun?"

"I love Cayden.. and I think by not speaking to him.. I'm hurting him more."

Agad na umangat ang tingin ko kay Tita Istelle. Her eyes were misty as she folded her blankets.

Nanginginig ang kan'yang mga kamay. My heart clenched after seeing her frail hands clutching on the thin fabric covering her lower body.

"Hindi ko lang kasi talaga alam kung paano hindi mas magiging masakit sa kan'ya..sakaling hindi ko kayanin," she started to cry. Her tears trickling down her cheeks. "I love him so much. I don't know how to tell him without hurting him that I don't even want to continue my treatment anymore..."

"T-tita.."

"Sa tuwing binibisita n'yo ako. iniisip ko na hindi ganito ang nakikita ko noon.. hindi ganito ang gusto ko," she spoke gently. "I want to see my grandchildren. I want to have more memories with my family.. I still want to be here."

"Edi b-bakit naman ayaw n'yo na rito sa hospital? Kung gusto n'yo pa palang gumaling?"

"Gumagaling ba talaga ako?" She smiled weakly at me. "I can see their fake smiles.. their false assurances. but I could also hear their sobs and mourning over a future loss. I don't even know what I should believe in."

"Gagaling ka, Tita."

Ngumiti lang siya sa akin at hinayaan na akong damdamin ang bawat patak ng ulan mula sa langit patungo sa bintana. It was raining hard. as my tears also went down my cheeks.

This is hurting Iscaleon and his family. Ang selfish ko naman kung gusto ko na unahin n'ya ang pangyayari sa aming dalawa.
Pagkalabas ko pa lang ay nakita ko na si Tito Cayden. Hindi pala tapaga siya umaalis sa may pintuan. He looked.. distress and almost thin. Ang masayahin n'yang mukha noon ay hindi ko na makita. I gave a weak smile at him.

"Nagpapahinga na siya, Tito," I told him as I went near him. "Mahal na mahal ka pa rin ni Tita."

"I know." Mahina n'yang usal. "Mahal na mahal ko rin siya."

I want to be more like Tito Cayden. He didn't need Tita Istelle's words and believed in her even when she was pushing him away.

Hindi ko kaya yun.

Hindi naman kasi kami pare-pareho ng mga pinagdaanan. Kung para sa iba ay kaya nila at okay lang sa kanila, para naman sa akin ay hindi ko pala kaya at di rin okay sa akin.

This is the reason why we built
boundaries. because each and every one of us are built in a different household, a different time, and with different people.

Thus, we have different experiences. It is possible that having limits to what we can tolerate can also make us understand ourselves more. Hindi yung palaging ibang tao ang lisipin natin. Kung walang makakaintindi sa atin.. pati pa ba ang sarili natin ay di natin kayang intindihin?

Tumango lang ako kay Tito. From my peripheral view, I saw Iscaleon peering over us. Lumingat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. I tried my best to smile at him but I ultimately failed. The anger, the pain, the hurt, and longing vanished as soon as I accepted that I still love him. but I have to put myself first this time.

"P'wede ba tayong mag-usap? Yung maayos na?" I asked Cal upong reaching his position.

Malayo na kaming dalawa kay Tito Cayden.

He panicked. "I have to—"

"Please, do not delay this any further," pagmamakaawa ko sa kan'ya. "I just want to hear one thing from you."

Nakita n'ya siguro ang pagiging seryoso ng aking tingin sa kan'ya. I carefully knitted my words but I was still nervous. my knees wobbled at the thought of hearing his answer.

"Did you love me? Like.yung totoo, ha?" My voice croaked.

"I still do," walang palyang sagot n'ya.

"Mahal talaga kita, Celest."

My chest tightened as I drew a deep breath.

"Fina-fucking-ly. Mahal mo pala talaga ako."

"Mahal pa rin kita, Cel." He gathered my cheeks using both of his palms.

"Pero di na tayo p'wede 'no?" I managed to say. "Kasi. I can't see myself being with someone who had a hard time telling that he loves me."

This is my limit. The first time that I tolerated him making me feel like this was already the start of my own suffering. I gave him the head start of my pain. I was partly to be blamed for this.

Gumuhit ang sakit sa kan'yang mukha. He wiped my tears using his thumbs and was gently murmuring his sweet apologies as I cried. Nasa hallway lang kami ngayon pero wala na akong pakialam sa makakakita.

"I know. I should have known. Mahal mo nga ako. pero gano'n ba talaga kahirap sabihin yun? All of your I love you's before made me doubt. siguro kasi kasalanan ko rin? Kasi ang weird nga naman ng set up natin?" Tawa ko kahit umaalpas ang kapaitan nito.

"Love.." Iscaleon consoled me. "Hindi mo kasalanan. Wala kang kasalanan doon.

It's all me, Celest. I should have been more expressive and honest with you. Huwag mo sisihin ang sarili mo."

"You always know the right words to say.." I smiled at him despite the pain. "But you never told me the only words that I needed from you."

Iscaleon saw my expression and it finally dawned on him. I'm giving up on him. This time, I was sure that whatever we had.. it was already just a fragment of our vivid past together. It will stay that way for the both of us to move forward even if we're not together anymore.