*****
Chapter 33

No one can ever tell you the duration of a heart break. Your heart can break just recently, yet the pain felt like a thousand years old. You couldn't even remember the details why your heart was broken—but it could also be a heartbreak from the previous year, yet the pain felt almost too familiar like it happened just yesterday. That's how I felt, I can feel the latter for that tiger who wore glasses and delivered cookies on our front door.

Isang taon na halos na walang paguusap pero hanggang ngayon alam ko pa rin tono at himig ng boses n'ya. Isang taon na ang lumipas pero kabisado ko pa rin kung paano siya mag-type sa text at chat. Isang taon na pero hanggang ngayon tanda ko kung paanong isang araw natapos na lang kami nang wala siyang sinasabi.

"Celest, I love you," Caleb said as he handed me the bouquet of flowers. Kanina pa siya naghihintay sa akin sa lobby. Nakatulala lang ako sa harapan n'ya ngayon. Hindi alam kung ano dapat ang sabihin.

He was causing such a scene that some of my office mates couldn't help but frown at the sight of him. Siguro dahil bago sa kanilang mga mata o dahil kahit paano ay gwapo siya dahil isa siyang Flight Steward. He was tall and clean to look at. Naka-uniform pa nga siya hanggang ngayon.

Gosh.

"Geez, what's with the whole cheesy line?" Halakhak ko sa kan'ya saka kinuha yung flowers. "Thanks. May reservation ka na ba? I could be the one to call and pay for our dinner."

Bahagyang lumukot ang kan'yang mukha. He sighed as he followed my footsteps leading to the exit. Tahimik man kaming dalawa pero ramdam ko ang dismaya n'ya sa naging reaksyon ko sa kan'ya.

I don't know what to say.

I didn't want to say I love him when I don't mean it. Ayoko naman maging tulad ni he-who-shall-not-be-named.

Pinagbuksan ako ni Caleb ng pinto sa sasakyan at agad naman ako pumasok. I shifted my weight and put on the seat belt myself.

"I could do that, you know?"

"Kaya ko rin naman gawin, bakit ko pa ipapagawa sa 'yo?"

He sighed. "I don't get you. You're just too independent sometimes. Pakiramdam ko ayaw mo talaga tayong mag-work."

"Huh? Anong sinasabi mo d'yan? Nag-seat belt lang yung tao?" puna ko sa kan'ya. He's being cranky for no reason at all.

Lalong lumalim ang buntonghininga n'ya. "Celest, ano ba talaga tayo?"

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"We date, we kiss, we do things as a couple yet you couldn't even tell me if we're already together. . ."

"Bakit? Magkahiwalay ba tayo ngayon?" Halakhak ko sa kan'ya. "Caleb, you're thinking a lot of things ahead."

"It makes me feel that you don't even love me," mahinang saad n'ya.

"Huh?"

"Mahal na kita, Celest. I know that initially we didn't want to play with labels because we're both busy. Pero tatlong buwan na tayong ganito. . .I can see you in my future, Celest."

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko. I checked my phone and saw that Ryker was online. Napatikhim naman ako saka humarap kay Caleb.

"I'm sorry," I said, then released a deep sigh from my mouth. "Paki-park sa gilid nung sasakyan. Baba na ako."

"Cel, it's in the middle of the road," he groaned despite his eyes already producing tears. "Kahit ihatid na lang kita kung ayaw mo mag-usap ngayon."

"I can't reciprocate what you feel," I told him straightaway. "I don't see myself settling and having to take care of a relationship. Kaya nga ikaw yung. . .kasama ko ngayon dahil alam ko madalas ay wala ka rin. We won't be expecting too much from each other. Sorry kung hindi ko pa kaya yung gusto mo."

"I can give you more of my time."

"Hindi ko kailangan yun," I replied briefly. "Caleb, you're a great guy. Someone out there will take good care of you."

"I want you to take care of me," Caleb sighed as he maneuvered the car. "Celest, bakit di mo ba kaya maging seryoso? Can't I be with you?"

"Aren't you already with me? Multo ba ako sa tingin mo ngayon?" sarkastikong sagot ko. Why is he pushing this further? Ayoko na nga pag-usapan eh.

"Celest."

"Ibaba mo na nga ako," sabi ko sa kan'ya. "Please."

He opened the car and let me out. Agad kong kinalas yung seat belt at nag-book ng Grab. Hinintay ni Caleb na makasakay ako bago siya pumaharurot na rin paalis. Habang nasa byahe naman ako patungo sa isang bar ay nag-text ako sa kan'ya. I do feel guilty because I think I was way harsh and irrational. Pero ayoko nga kasi talagang pag-usapan. I thought it was clear to him that I didn't want to partake in any relationships.

Celest:
Ingat ka.

Caleb:
I don't get you.

You push me away then
you'll text something like
that. Celest, stop making me
fall for you if you can't even
take me seriously.

Celest:
Pinag-ingat ka lang????
Anyway, I'm sorry once again.

Maiintindihan ko kung ayaw
mo na ulit tayong magkita.
You're free to date whoever you
want now because this might be
our last conversation.

Goodbye and good
luck sa life, Caleb.

I didn't want him to beg for more or even ask for explanations so I blocked him. Sa una pa lang ay naging malinaw na ako sa kan'ya. We were only seeing each other because we wanted to have fun and such. Ewan ko bakit na-fall si gago eh. Partida, never naman kaming nag-sex. The same goes with my other flings; malas siguro talaga ako sa larangan ng penetration.

Celest:
hellooo

need ko ng kainuman lol
East Drive ba kayo ngayon?

Ryker:
yeeep
drinks on me 🫡

wala yung crush mo hahahaha

Celest:
tanginaka
HAHAHAHAHAHA

be right there
around 20 mins

Ryker:
tyt lang

I took off my corporate coat to reveal my strapless black dress. Hanggang ngayon ay badtrip pa rin ako dahil kay Caleb. He was such a nice guy, siya na ang pinakamatagal kong lalaki. Malay ko bang mataas ang pangarap n'ya at nanghingi agad ng label? Gosh, kaasar talaga.

Natigilan ako nang panandalian dahil sa nabanggit ni Ryker na 'crush ko' and we all know who he was pertaining to. Hanggang ngayon kahit matagal naman na simula no'ng di na kami naguusap ay iwas pa rin ako sa kan'ya.

Siguro kasi masakit pa rin? Nakakairita pa rin? Naaawa pa rin ako sa sarili ko dahil pakiramdam ko sinayang ko lang oras ko sa kan'ya? Napupuno pa rin ako ng galit kapag naaalala ko siya. . .yet a part of me knows that if only he texted me, called me, went to me that same night. . .I would have forgiven him immediately. Alam kong magpapakatanga ako sa kan'ya.

I hate Caleb for acting that way earlier. . .because the same old Celest would have been him as well—asking, almost begging, someone for a little space in their life. Tangina.

Kamusta na kaya siya?

After that day, we never spoke to each other anymore. Ang masakit sa akin ay nakikita ko naman siyang online. Nakikita ko naman siyang nakikipag-interact sa mga kakilala namin. Pero wala na siyang sinabi sa akin kahit ni isang salita.

Am I that worthless to him?

That he can just tossed me aside just because he didn't treasure the moments we had?

Doon ako pumitik. . .doon nawala yung katiting kong pagasa na magiging okay pa kami kahit maging magkaibigan man lang.

I unfriended his accounts. . .because I didn't want to see any news about him anymore. Ayoko makita na kaya n'ya pala talaga na walang ako. I hated how he could casually act like he never hurt me.

Because how can you sleep at night knowing you broke someone's heart and soul? Paano ka nakakausad kung alam mong sinaktan mo yung taong wala namang hinangad kundi mahalin ka?

That's how I used to think before. Not anymore. If they don't care if I get hurt then why should I care as well?

So I would never open up my heart again. Kahit kanino pa 'yan. Hinding-hindi na ako papayag na ako yung dehado sa huli. I don't care if I seem to be a bitch to others so as long as I can protect my heart from being broken again.

"Hi," bumeso agad ako kay Ryker pagkabukas ko ng pinto. Sinalubong n'ya kasi ako.

Napaatras si Ryker. "Woah there. Wala yung boy toy mo?"

"Sino roon?"

"Yung may Cal?" Ngisi n'ya sabay angat ng isang kilay.

"Pakyu ka talaga!"

"Chill! Caleb ba yun? Lahat naman yata ng lalaki mo may Cal sa pangalan eh. . ." Kibit-balikat ni Ryker sabay hawak sa palapulsuhan ko.

He was guiding me towards their table; the crowd was wild tonight for some reason. Madalas kasi ay pugad ang East Drive ng mga socialites na ayaw ma-label-an na trying hard sa pag-club at pag-party. It was an elusive resto and bar to be exact.

Napairap ako sa walang kwentang obserbasyon n'ya. Palagi n'yang inaasar sa akin na lahat ng mga lalaki ko matapos kay he-who-shall-not-be-named ay puro may Cal sa pangalan. Calvin, Callum, tapos itong latest na si Caleb. Aba, putangina, hindi ko naman sinasadya. At para sa peace of mind ng lahat, sila ang nag-approach sa akin. Hindi naman ako.

"Nasaan na yung boy toy mo?" ulit ni Ryker sa akin. "Akala ko itatali ka na n'on eh. Mukhang seryoso, erps. Hirap kalas-an n'on."

I sighed amidst being dragged to the table. "True. Kanina humihingi na ng label sa akin. Pero nakipag-hiwalay na ako kahit wala namang kami."

"Siya pinakamatagal 'no?"

Tumango ako. Calvin and I didn't last because he was too possessive. Mabait naman siya no'ng una at alam naman n'yang landian lang ang in-o-offer ko sa kan'ya pero hindi ko alam bakit naging obsess sa akin yun. Sayang dahil mula siya sa kilalang angkan at okay naman kami no'ng una. Tapos yung pangalawa naman ay si Callum. Callum and I were too busy for each other, pareho kami ng office pero magkaibang department. Mula siya sa Marketing kaya naman ngayon ay medyo awkward dahil balita ko ay may dini-date siyang bago galing sa HR naman na halos katabi lang ng Finance kung saan ako nakadestino. So weird lang dahil kilala ko yung HR na yun at alam naman n'yang naging kalandian ko si Callum.

I didn't date them exclusively and I informed them beforehand that I wasn't interested in the traditional set-up. Hindi ko masabi sa kanila kung bakit dahil mismong ang sarili ko ay di alam kung bakit ayaw ko makipag-relasyon pa. Maybe because I've been there? And I'm still hurt by it?

"Hey," Eastre, sporting another high-end brand as his attire, casually stood to greet me. "Magkasama kayo kanina pa?"

"Kadarating mo lang, nagbubunga ka na agad ng conclusions diyan," Ryker pointed out then sat on the couch. Sumunod naman ako sa kan'ya at tumabi na rin.

"Hi," I greeted back with a smile. "Congrats on your new billboard."

Kanina ay dumaan kami sa may Makati at nakita ko ang isang billboard ng isang kilalang clothing line tapos si Eastre ang model nila. Isa yata si Eastre sa mga hindi pa naman artista o hindi naman lumalabas sa TV pero palaging kinukuha para sa mga ADS o commercials. Gwapo kasi talaga siya; he was conventionally attractive that people can't help but agree he looks good in anything.

"Thank you," he politely smiled. Hindi kami super close ni Eastre pero civil siya sa akin. I think, gano'n naman siya sa lahat.

He owns East Drive. It was a two storey bar with a sight of city lights in the second floor, may pool din siya. Kadalasan ay dito kami tambay ni Ryker dahil bukod sa may discount, mas tahimik at malawak siya dahil hindi naman basta-basta lang ang pagpasok dito. Mahirap ang mag-walk in sa bar na ito kaya napupuno rin agad ang reservations. At his age, hindi ko inakalang trip lang ni Eastre ang business na ito. Grabe naman mga trip nila sa buhay, hindi ko afford!

"Ryker, wala ka bang kakilala d'yan na p'wede maging kalandian man lang? No strings attached? Yung di mabilis ma-fall? Na gwapo s'yempre," litanya ko sa kan'ya habang hinihintay ang shot glass.

Kung lalandi na lang ako ay syempre sa gwapo na 'no! Pare-pareho naman na sakit sa ulo ang mga lalaki edi doon na tayo sa gwapo!

"Ryker Adeva nga pala," pagpapakilala ni Ryker sa akin at nagawa pang mag-extend ng kamay.

I grimaced then pulled his hand downwards. "Parang tanga eh."

"Grabe ka na talaga porke't hindi Calker pangalan ko, bawal na agad ako sa gusto mo? So unfair, erps," Ryker pouted his lips. Gosh, sobrang landi talaga nito eh.

"Wala na ba kayo ni Cal?" Eastre asked out of the blue. He took a shot from his whiskey. Ang titig ay nasa akin pa rin.

Oh.

Natawa ako, "Huh? May kami ba n'on?"

I just remember texting him that I already graduated and we're over. Wala na akong nabasang reply mula sa kan'ya. Pero kung sakaling nag-reply siya at sinabing ayaw n'ya kaming matapos. . .I knew I would embrace him with all of my being. I would still love him like he didn't ditch me on my graduation. Hanggang ngayon ay di ko alam bakit di siya pumunta.

Ni hindi ko nga alam kung tumuloy na ba siya sa ibang bansa eh. Wala na talaga akong naging balita nang matapos kaming dalawa.

"By the way, I bought some cookies," sabi ni Eastre.

"Yeah? Kanino?" Ryker asked.

"Philomena?"

"Oh," Ryker nodded and took a shot from his glass. "Baka si Cal magbigay no'n dito."

My heart pounded against my chest. Nakita ko na bahagyang lumingon sa akin si Ryker. Hindi ko naman iniiwasan si he-who-shall-be-named. Pero matapos ang isang tao, hindi ko na alam kung paano ako makikitungo sa kan'ya.

Because how can you pretend not to know someone who once had your heart wrapped in their fingertips? 

Nagkibit lang ako ng balikat saka uminom na rin mula sa shot glass na inabot sa akin.

"I don't mind."

"You sure?" Ngisi ni Ryker.

"Oo nga, kahit ako pa kumuha ng cookies mula sa kan'ya."

"Okay," Eastre nodded then pointed towards the near entrance. "Malapit na raw siya."

I stood and went there. Hindi ko alam bakit pumayag ako na kunin ito mismo sa kan'ya. As I was near the entrance, it opened and it revealed the person who didn't speak to me for almost a year.

Same onyx eyes, a different haircut, his chiseled jaw, his gentle longing stare, and the way his lips moved apart made me smirk. Gwapo nga, gagong ghoster naman.

"Late ka na," walang emosyon kong sabi kay Iscaleon na ngayon ay halos nanglalaki ang mga singkit na mata sa akin. Surprise siguro, motherfucker.