to katharchives,
*****
Messenger
ERPS DIARY

Ryker:
play uuuus

Eastre:
Ng what

Iscaleon:
Yes?

Ryker:
https://forms.gle/k6CMF7dDrPhmErt39
sagutan nyo dali bago
ako mainip

Ryker:
pota ang bibilis

POTA BAKIT GANITO

ok fine ikaw na ang baby

Eastre:
Lol

Iscaleon:
He's the youngest after all.

Ryker:

wow self proclaimed din

Iscaleon:
Figured I have to vote for the majority. 👹

Ryker

fair enooough

Eastre:
Me na yan haha

Ryker:
grabe naman kayo sakin

Iscaleon:
It's the truth???

Eastre:
Pull their hair while doing the deed* you mean?

Ryker:
technique ko yan 😋
gentle boy ka kasi eastre
puro ka aftercare lang magaling

Iscaleon:
I don't know the topic po. 🥲
I'm scared. 🤕

Ryker:

pakadaya sino bumoto sa sarili nila
🤣2

Ryker:

THATS OUR NEPOBABY

Eastre:
Tanginang whose yan
Tingin nyo sa akin
Wan towsand wan towsand

Ryker:
ginaya lang ng tao yung nasa trend?
dont blame meee! blame university of tiktochk duds 🤷

Ryker:

the fuck bakit 100% sino mga bumoto sa akin

Eastre:
You literally voted for yourself???

Iscaleon:
Tatlo lang tayo. . .

Ryker:
oh
OH
no shit sherlock
oo nga no?

nagdududa talaga ako sa
1.25 gwa ko minsan
😭2

Eastre:
Sakit sa brain 🤦

Ryker:

YIKES
no to that pussie talaga
whats masarap if ganun ugali 🤮🤢

Eastre:
redacted HAHA

Ryker:

wow ha salamat

Iscaleon:
You voted for yourself again. . .

Ryker:

two times naulit yung tanong pero ako pa rin pinakamaraming votes

Eastre:
Two times ka rin daw makukulong hahahaha

Iscaleon:
Bibisita kami sa 'yo at magsusulat, dude. Don't worry!

Ryker:
mga pistingyawa
ANW

iba talaga hatak ng nepobaby namin

Eastre:
🥴

Ryker:

St. Iscaleon!

Eastre:
He voted himself too

Iscaleon:
It's the only option I had—didn't want to lie. 😁

Ryker:

HAHAHAHAHAHA GAGI

Eastre:
Looool

Iscaleon:
😁😁😁😁😁

*****

Chapter 22

Niyaya ako ni Iscaleon Altreano sa isang date. Normally, I would think it was part of the contract. Pero nagulat ako nang malaman na hindi lang ito sa mall, sa condo, o sa bahay nila. I was obviously surprised that he would even ask my mother personally just to take me on this trip.

"Ibabalik ko po ng buo yung anak n'yo po," Iscaleon said to my mother who was already frowning at him.

Hindi siya magawang gisahin ng nanay ko dahil kung titingnan naman talaga—ang tino tingnan ni Iscaleon at nakilala naman na siya ni Mama dahil sumama ito sa outing namin noon.

Iscaleon was simply trying to fulfill my wishes; isa roon ang pormal na magpakilala kay Mama.

"Iscaleon?" Mommy looked conflicted. She immediately snapped back to reality and spreaded a smile on her face. "Sige, mag-ingat kayo sa biyahe. Mag-text lang kung may kailangan o kung nasaan kayo para di ako magalala."

Iscaleon smiled, "Thank you po, tita."

Hindi inalis ni mama ang tingin kay Iscaleon buong hapon. Hinandaan n'ya kami ng ensaymada at palamig. I was nervous because she was still here despite her busy schedule. Hindi siguro magawang umalis dahil nandito si Iscaleon. Hindi ko naman ikakama si Iscaleon sa mismong bahay namin, 'no! May hiya naman akong tinatago kahit paano!

"Pumayag na si Tita," bulong sa akin ni Iscaleon na kasalukuyang nasa tabi ko.

"Oo nga," I nodded. "Saan mo ba ako balak dalhin?"

Ngumiti lang siya saka unti-unting namula ang mga pisngi. How cute. Napangiti na rin tuloy ako dahil parang ang dali namang kiligin nitong si Iscaleon. 

"Basta," Iscaleon whispered back. "Sa magubat."

Oh.

Sa Baguio ba?

I mean, maraming puno roon 'di ba? And I was insinuating that I wanted to go there before. Sakto rin na malapit na ang Christmas break kaya naman mas magiging maganda roon. Ramdam na ramdam ang lamig ng Pasko kung sakali. I think I can spare a day or two with him during my break.  Wala namang kaso sa akin.

Tumango na lang ako.

I'm sure that if we even have to go to the sun, I would enjoy the trip; just as long as I'm with him. Kahit siguro libutin pa namin yung buong kalawakan, I wouldn't mind at all.

*****

"Sa buong block n'yo, si Ybanez lang yung bumagsak," anunsyo ng Professor namin sa buong klase.

I was petrified on the spot. I was expecting this. I knew that I failed my exam. Pero bakit kailangan pa i-anunsyo sa buong klase? Bakit kailangan pang ipamukha?

"Halos madali na nga yung exam, binagsak n'yo pa, luckily some of you still passed," sabi ng Prof namin habang patuloy sa kan'yang litanya.

I balled my fists. All I could hear was the deafening silence. Lahat ng mga mata ng mga kaklase ko ay nakatingin sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bobo ba ako sa paningin nila o sadyang naaawa sila dahil kahit tres lang hindi pa binigay sa akin.

I was failing miserably.

Natapos yung lecture sa managerial economics na lumulutang yung isip ko dahil sa pag-announce na bagsak ako sa buong klase. I was fidgeting my fingers as I tried my best to remain calm and collected. Hindi ko nga namalayan na wala na mga blockmates ko kung hindi lang pinatay na yung aircon at mga ilaw.

"Okay lang yun, Cel," someone tapped me on the back. "Bawiin mo na lang sa finals."

'Of course, okay lang sa 'yo. Pumasa ka eh.' I couldn't voice it out because she was being nice. She was being considerate. She was probably an empath for pete's sake. Wala sa lugar na maging sarcastic ako. Pero pakiramdam ko mas lalo akong nalulugmok kapag ginagano'n ako. Feeling ko lalo na ang baba ng tingin nila sa akin.

Lumabas na ako ng classroom na halos parang lumulutang sa ere. My foot falls sounded like they had chains on them, as if big metal bars were attached on my feet. Umangat ang tingin ko nang may makitang familiar na bulto mula sa malayo. It was Iscaleon who was already looking at me.

May klase pa ba siya? It's late already. Akala ko si Ma'am May na ang pinaka-late magpa-uwi sa buong University namin. May mas malala pa pala sa kan'ya.

"Cel," he went up to me almost immediately. Hindi ko alam bakit parang tinutusok ang gilid ng mga mata ko nang makita siya.

Hindi ko magawang lumapit sa kan'ya. Nanatiling nasa mga paa ko lang ang mga mata ko dahil nahihiya ako? Dahil siguro pakiramdam ko ay nakwento ko na sa kan'ya ang tungkol dito pero apektado pa rin pala ako? I didn't know how to face Cal and tell him about what happened. Lalo na kapag naaalala ko na President's Lister pa siya. Samantalang yung fake girlfriend n'ya, mukhang uulit pa ng fourth year.

At least mukhang maga-anniversary pa kami kung sakaling di ako maka-graduate 'di ba? Who am I kidding? Nakakahiya kasi talaga.

"May nangyari ba?" bungad n'ya sa akin. Bahagya akong nagulat nang makita siya sa harapan ko. His hands gently glides towards my cheeks to check on me.

"Wala."

"Bakit parang. . ." he uttered slowly before lifting my chin using one of his fingers. "May nangyari nga."

I hate how he sounded so certain; as if he even knows my breathing pattern. Winaksi ko ang kamay n'yang nakahawak sa akin. I wanted to prove him wrong because I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't even accept it as the truth.

"Wala nga," naiinis kong saad. "Gutom lang ako, gusto ko na mag-dinner."

"Tara sa condo? I-uwi na lang kita agad pagkatapos. Bili lang tayo ng mga kakainin sa Hypermarket," anyaya n'ya sa akin.

Wala talaga ako sa mood ngayon pero ayoko naman magmukmok sa bahay habang wala pang ulam. I'm sure my mother would work overtime again since she had her rest day the last time that Iscaleon went to our house. Hindi na yata siya pumasok dahil wala siyang tiwala na wala naman kaming gagawin ni Iscaleon na kababalaghan sa bahay. Hindi naman ako gano'n!

"Okay," I murmured.

Napangiti naman si Iscaleon.

We immediately went to the parking lot to go to his car. Saglit lang kami sa Hypermarket dahil kakaunti lang naman ang bibilhin naming ingredients. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit pa nagyaya ang isang ito eh; ang alam ko kasi ay ilang minuto lang naman ang kailangan para pumunta sa bahay nila. Kung ako si Iscaleon, baka umuwi na lang ako sa sobrang tamad ko magluto. At saka, buti pa nga siya may naghihintay na pamilya sa bahay nila eh. Ako na nanay na nga lang mayroon, madalas pang wala sa bahay.

I grabbed a green basket while Iscaleon opted for a cart. Nilagay ko na lang sa loob ng cart yung kinuha kong basket, para na lang din kapag may bibilhin siyang frozen o di kaya mga toiletries.

"May gusto ka ba kainin?" he asked while browsing towards the vegetables.

"Gusto ko i-try yung tuna pie pero sa lumpia nakalagay," I said upon remembering a recipe I've seen online.

"Okay, kuha tayo ng mga ingredients n'on."

Kumuha lang siya ng carrots, sinkamas, at sibuyas sa mga lagayan nito. Ako naman ang kumuha ng iba pang mga kailangan tulad ng lumpia wrapper at creamcheese. Keso nga lang dapat pero si Iscaleon ang nagsabi na ito ang kuhanin; edi ito ang kinuha ko, pera naman n'ya ito eh.

"I should pay for your gas," sabi ko sa kan'ya. Ayaw n'ya kasing maglabas ako ng pera, willing naman ako na share kami kung gusto n'ya.

Umiling siya. "Huwag na, tulungan mo na lang ako magluto."

True enough, pagdating namin sa mismong condo n'ya ay ako ang naging tigaprito. I was busy deep-frying the lumpias when Cal hugged me from behind. Bahagya akong nagulat dahil siniksik n'ya yung ulo n'ya sa leeg ko. He breathed against my skin which made my heart thudded against my chest.

"Di ako marunong magprito," he said. "Kaya thank you."

"Gago naman," I laughed. "Ang random, ha?"

"I'm grateful that you exist, Celest," he said against my skin.

"A-amoy mantika ako," I managed to say despite feeling my heart being completely engulfed by his affection.

"Sana alam mo na hindi magbabago yung tingin ko sa 'yo kahit anong mangyari."

"Kahit babagsak ako?" biro ko. Bumitaw na siya sa pagkakayakap sa akin upang harapin ako.

"Yes," seryosong saad n'ya.

Natutop ang labi ko dahil doon. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. I only turned off the stove and managed to put the last lumpia on the plate with a strainer on before looking at him with my tear-stained face. Hot tears slid down on my cheeks as I opened up to him again.

"I'm sorry, iniyakan ko na ito nung last week sa 'yo eh," I laughed amidst the tears. "Iiyakan ko pa rin pala."

"You don't have to get over your grief just because you have already cried over it," aniya. "Hindi naman ibig sabihin umiyak ka na, hindi na siya masakit o nawala na yung sakit."

"I might fail," I said to him straight to the point. "Akala ko, it would hurt less because I know to myself that I'm not good at this, pero gano'n pa rin pala. Masakit pa rin pala."

Nanatiling tahimik si Iscaleon kaya naman nagpatuloy ako.

"I used to have a lot of recognition from certificates to medals," kuwento ko sa kan'ya. "Wala lang sa itsura ko pero naging top one ako no'ng grade seven. . .pero yun yung huling beses na naging competitive ako. Kasi kahit naman anong galing ko kung sa huli ay ako pa rin ang dahilan kung bakit di naging valedictorian nanay ko; wala rin eh. Napagod na lang din ako umasa na baka hindi na nila ako titingnan bilang bata na sana di na lang binuo." Halakhak ko kay Iscaleon kahit nanginginig na ako sa pag-iyak.

"Cel. . ."

"It's hard to be a failure daughter from someone who could have been an achiever," my voice croaked out those words that were suffocating me. "Kapag umuuwing pagod si Mama, di ko alam kung paano hindi sisisihin sarili ko dahil alam ko naman na kung wala lang ako ay baka di siya gano'n kapagod. Kaya nga kahit wala siya sa mga card giving day ko noon, iniintindi ko dahil alam ko para sa akin siya nagtatrabaho."

"It's her obligation."

"Of course, but I also feel like a complete burden to her," I said. "Imagine? You work for almost 16 hours just for someone who couldn't even make you proud?"

"Proud sa 'yo mama mo, Cel," Iscaleon said. Kita ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa kan'yang mga mata.

"Oo, proud talaga siya," I swallowed the bile on my throat. "Wala naman kasi siyang expectations sa akin kasi wala siyang aasahan sa akin. Pakiramdam ko nga ang magiging achievement n'ya lang sa buhay ay napagtapos n'ya ako. Ni wala man lang akong naibigay sa kan'ya."

"It's hard that you see yourself that way," Cal shook his head as he went near me. He aimed for my head and gently made me feel comforted by putting it on his shoulder. "Your mother loves you, that's why she's working hard for you to study comfortably. Wala kang kailangan ibalik sa kan'ya dahil ginagawa n'ya yun dahil mahal ka n'ya."

"P-paano ako makakabawi?"

Ngumiti si Cal. "You have a lifetime to pay back your mother's love if you really want to. Hindi naman siguro nagmamadali ang mama mo. I've met her and I could attest that she deeply loves you more than anything."

"Ako lang bagsak sa block namin."

"So?" Cal lifted an eyebrow. "Who cares? I still like you."

"W-what?"

"My mother didn't pass her LEA on her first try," saad ni Iscaleon kaya naman nanglaki ang mga mata ko. Si Tita Istelle? But from what I've heard from my cousins, isa si Tita Istelle sa mga go-to-architects ng mga mayayaman sa bansang Pilipinas. They were established enough that their surnames are known to their industry.

"That doesn't change anything."

Cal shrugged off his shoulder. "Probably? Pero, nagbago ba tingin mo kay Mommy?"

"No," I firmly said.

"See? It didn't change because you like her, right?"

Napatango naman ako. Tita Istelle, despite not passing her first LEA, was still a wonderful mother and an amazing person. It didn't change the way I think of her.

Gano'n din ba yung iba sa akin?

"Who cares if some people view you differently if you make a mistake or even fail; it just means they don't know you enough. They were just waiting for your downfall. They were simply nitpicking your mistakes and failures so they can mask their own bad sides.  The true people who likes you. . .loves you. . .won't care about those mistakes and failures; because they know the real you. They know that despite those mistakes and failures, you are a person who is worth loving."

I slowly nodded. "O-okay gets. . ."

"I can help you study if you want," saad n'ya. "Pagaaralan ko subject mo."

"O-okay, tapos give me motivation na rin. . ."

"Sure," he nodded slowly. "What kind?"

"If I passed this semester, we have to do something. . .magkakaroon tayo ng altreano lovemaking practice," I said with a straight face. "Okay ba sa 'yo yun?"