HEY EVERBODY!

It's Blackjack, eveyone's favourite black pegasus, here! And I'm giving you my step by step guide on how to survive being a demigod like my boss!

My boss frowned, 'Blackjack, I fought the most ancient, evil beings to walk the earth. I held up the sky, blew up a mountain and fell into Tartarus! I almost died a bajillion times!'

Key word: almost, boss. You didn't die. Which is why I'm doing this.

He threw his hands up in defeat, 'Do what you will.'

Darn right. Okay everybody! I know that you are reading this right now so you can't actually see me. That is why you are going to imagine pretty pictures floating above your head when I put things in these things **. Got it?

'You know "these things" have a name, right?' My boss interrupted.

A name which I am too lazy to look up.

'Look up? Wait, how are you even typing? You're a horse!'

Do I but into all your personal business and ask you how you go? No. So let me do my thing!

My boss backed up nervously. HA! Horses win, yet again!

Anyway, this is my step by step guide on how to survive like my boss! Pay close attention, because this just might save your life. And boss, don't think I didn't see you roll your eyes.

His eyes widened.

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STEP 1: Getting To Camp

Okay. So in order to survive like my boss, you need to get to camp. Right, boss?

He shrugged, 'Nothing wrong there ... so far ...'

ABSOLUTELY! So you need to find your satyr and get them to haul your big ugly but to Half Blood-Hill.

*stick person being dragged by one leg up a hill by a goat man wearing a Santa hat*

'Blackjack! Kids could be reading this!'

And your point is.

'Nevermind.'

That's what I thought. Okay, so, are you seeing the picture? Are you imagining it's goodness?

My boss sighed exasperatedly, 'Goodness? It's a stick picture! And why is the satyr wearing a Christmas hat?'

Because I can. MOVING ON!

STEP 2: Being Claimed

Once you get to camp, you gotta be claimed with yet another pretty picture. This time it tells you who yo momma or dadda is, instead of delightly informing you on how to survive past your next birthday.

'Well that was inspirational.'

Wasn't it just. So, when you get there, your parent will send you a sign. This will happen when you're near death.

*person lying in a river with a trident shimmering over their head and everyone around does a happy dance, not bothering to check whether they're alive or not*

'What?! No!'

Don't deny! You were near death.

'I was not! I was tired, beat up and scratched!'

Same thing. So that's how you get claimed, kids.

STEP 3: Receiving A Quest That Would Most Likely Get You Killed

This step is most important because it is usually the one that most people die at.

'What sort of guide is this?!'

A good one. So, now that you've been claimed, your parent is going to send you on some super dangerous quest that will probably kill you. But don't worry because it's for a good reason; proving yourself!

'That isn't a good reason.'

Yes it is. So, you're going to need your two best friends whom you know will protect you constantly and who you will protect in return. Just kidding. Pick two randoms to use as human shields.

*three people being attacked by ... something strange, while one is hiding behind the other two and running away screaming, 'TAKE THEM! They have more meat on them!'*

My boss looked horrified, 'That's not what happened! Grover and Annabeth were my friends!'

They are now. But at the time they were some randoms.

'Grover had been my best and only friend all year. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves.'

Exactly, randoms. 

'No! They weren't randoms.'

Denial. First sign of insanity, you know.

'What! No, I-what are you even talking about?!'

Oh no. Memory loss. It has progressed faster than I thought possible! You know, if you bang your head against a wall, it will make the insanity worse.

STEP 4: Doing Something So Stupid It Will Almost Certainly Kill You

Now kids, this is an important part of being a demigod. Like the title says, doing something so stupid it will almost certainly kill you.

My boss crossed his arms, 'And where does this come into my life?'

Pretty much everyday. So, kids, you may want to do something just as stupid as my boss here, or possibly something stupider. Although I'm not sure if that's possible.

*a stick person jumping off Mt Everest, then the moon, then the sun*

'I hate you.'

Yup! Anyways, stupid things include jumping off the St Louis Arch. running away to a monster infested ocean, holding the sky, going into the Labyrinth (underground *shudder*), swimming in the Styx, disappearing and leaving your horse worrying out of his mind, betting against a blind man with Gorgon's blood, falling into Tartarus, wandering through Tartarus-

'Okay, I'm going to have to stop you right there. Half of those things I only did to survive. I didn't have any other choice.'

And that's why this is called "How To Survive Like My Boss."

'I've told you a million times not to call me boss.'

And I've never listened to you a million times. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it!

He facepalmed, 'I don't need to cry a river. I can summon one.'

Whatever you say, boss.

STEP 5: Somehow Living

So, like the title suggests, the next step is miraculously surviving to see another day.

'Well, that's reassuring.'

You can usually do this by busting out some hidden ninja skills, using your god/goddess given powers, or sacrificing someone while you run away in terror.

'THAT NEVER HAPPENED!'

To be like my boss, you just gotta get someone to fall hopelessly in love with you, and then they'll jump in to save you! And if they don't die, they can do it again. It's win win!

'Uh, how is that at all win win?' My Boss demanded

You don't die, and they don't die instantly.

'Forget I said anything.'

If you have amazing charming skills, you shouldn't have a problem with getting someone to fall in love with you. But if you don't have those skills, just like my boss, just use something else.

'Glad to see you think so highly of me.'

What something else, I hear you say? Well, gods damn it, I don't know! I am a horse! Figure it out.

'Uh, I don't think that's very helpful. Or any of this, for that matter,'

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Thank you for reading 'A Step by Step Guide on how to Survive like My Boss.' I know that in the very near future, you will all be thanking me for my expertise.

'Say what now?'

I accept thanks as cash or credit, I'm not picky.

'Say what now ... again?'

Presents can include hay, donuts, a new grooming brush, donuts, wing shiner, donuts, sugar cubes, donuts, a porcupine ... and maybe, uh, donuts.

'You know, I'm beginning to think this is less about helping young demigods and more about filling your stomach.'

I am outraged that you would even think that! I'm offended.

'How will I live with the guilt?'

Darn right! Anyway, like I said, thanks for reading and I hope this guide helps you to survive when you are facing your certain death.

'I think I'll make my own version of this.'

And don't forget my donuts!