Evan.
That name belongs to the love of my life.
Evan.
He was and is the only one for me. I don't picture myself without him. I don't even picture my life if he never came in.
Oh Evan.
I still remember the day I met you: the day we both regretted talking to each other.

"Oh I'm sorry! I-I thought you were someone else!"
"Hey, its okay. I was having a bad day so being accidentally hugged kinda made my week."

From that day on, I only wanted to spend every minute with you.

"Why are you looking at me?"
"What? Can I not admire something as breathtaking as you?"

"You better go to all your classes, Jon."
"As long as I can hear you say my name, I gladly will."

"Are you high?"
"As a motherfucking kite!"
"Again? Well, I know you will be getting hungry so here's an apple."
"Oh shit thank you! I love you!"
"What was that?"
"What?"

Oh Evan, you were too much for me. And I was too much for you.

"You broke up with him?"
"I-I had too. He never loved me; h-he wanted to use me."
"I'm sorry Evan."

If only I knew that this is where we will end up, I could have never asked you that question.

"Will you be mine?"
"Oh Jon, yes. Yes I will!"

Everything was perfect. Just the two of us.

"I bought you something."
"Jon, why? I don't want you-"
"Shut that pretty mouth of yours and enjoy that ring I got you."

"I-It hurts, babe!"
"I know baby, hold on a little bit more, okay?"
"Jonny~! W-Wait! Fuck~!"

You were too pure for me.

"Please eat something. You haven't ate anything since yesterday morning!"
"Fine, as long as it will stop you from worrying."

"I love you Evan."
"I love you also, Jon."

But just like that, everything wasn't as perfect as we anticipated.

"Jon, I don't want you fighting anymore!"
"But he was looking at you! I don't like anyone looking at what's mine!"
"He's a friend, for God's sake!"

"Who is he, Evan?!"
"I don't know! He just sent me that but I wasn't going to-"
"You like people calling you 'cute'!? Or 'baby'?!"

I said stuff that I should have never said to you.

"Okay, yes I did have a chance to cheat on you!"
"I can't believe you!"

"You're a fucking thot!"

"All my love can turn into hate, don't fucking try me, Evan!"

And indeed it did for a while.

Oh Evan, where did it all go wrong?

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't know you would be mad-"
"Sorry doesn't cut it, Evan Fong."

I thought I was able to control myself. But that night was proof enough that I can't keep being with you.

"I-I was with my friends, love. There's nothing wrong with that."
"But its with the guy I told you not to talk to-"
"Well I didn't fucking know he will be there, aight? And you can't tell me what to do-"

I can still feel the sting on my hand and the look on your face every time I see you now.

"THE HELL I CAN! YOU ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED!"

That night still haunts me.

"Evan, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't mean to-"
"Its okay baby, really. I don't mind. I provoked you. I don't care."

1 year, 8 months, and 5 days.

During that time, I didn't notice how much I have changed you. You gained weight from the stress eating, scars all over your body from harming yourself, and even though I have reminded you how beautiful you are everyday, you began to degrade yourself...

All because of me.

And now here I am, sitting across from you in our, I mean, your favorite diner with-

"Jonathan!"
"Oh uh yeah?"
"Same old Jonny: dozing off in a middle of a conversation." Evan laughed while shaking his head.

God that laugh.

I saw him lay his head on the person's arm. The person I envy everyday.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I questioned as a rubbed the back of my neck all while trying to hide the burning rage in me when the person wraps his arm around Evan.
"I said that Tyler plays alot of basketball and it reminded me of you back in high school." Evan smiles sweetly at me.

I don't feel well.

"Oh uh yeah! I wasn't all that good."
"Oh cmon, you were amazing! And I bet you still are." Evan smiled again as he took a sip of his chocolate shake.
His favorite.

Maybe I can still fix this.
Fix us, Evan. We were perfect, no, we still are. If I could just pull you aside and tell you how I-

"Oh look at the time, Evy! We gotta get going if we wanna catch that movie." Tyler started to put on his jacket and reaching into his pocket to get his wallet.
"Oh you're right! But I don't wanna..." Evan looked worriedly over me.
That expression. His beautiful brown eyes.
"Oh no, I'll be fine! Luke is stopping by soon." I smiled so I don't see him worrying. I always hated that.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes Evan, I'm sure. Go enjoy your date."

He smiled and stood up. I did the same and he hugged me goodbye. I hugged him back.
"Bye Jonny. I'll catch you around." He looked at me and smiled once more before walking ahead as Tyler was behind him.
Both of them were holding hands as Tyler looked back at me with a serious look. He knew. And I knew what he was thinking.

Maybe I still can make it work if I explained to Evan everything that I have been feeling.
But as soon as I pulled out my phone to text him, I looked out the window and saw him, the love of my life, with his new boyfriend hugging and kissing.
The sight made my chest ache and my eyes start to well up. I then noticed the little details of Evan. He started to work out again, so he lost the stress weight. His scars were healing and he didn't have those dark circles under his eyes.
And that smile.
The smile that has haunted me every night was genuine, it wasn't forced and he was...
Happy.
I fought back the tears as I put away my phone.
Who am I to ruin his happiness? I had him and I took advantage of him. He is better off with someone else.

"So, God forbid, we break up: will you allow me to be with someone else?"
"Babe, it will kill me seeing you with someone else but it will kill me more knowing that you are suffering because of me. I want you to be happy."
"You are a terrible liar, Jonny."