Trigger warning!!!
Mentions self harm, thoughts of suicide
don't put your own mental health at risk.

Also just because I'm writing that Penelope isn't taking her medication doesn't mean I think that's the right thing to do!!

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After finishing eating like lunch, or should I say Lexie eating hers and me practically murdering the salad by stabbing it with my fork. Lexie was now taking me to the phyce ward to discuss making an emergency appointment, I wasn't sure why I needed an emergency appointment but Lexie thinks I do so I might actually need to.

"So after we've booked this appointment I guess we have to talk to Bailey" I shrugged to Lexie as we stood outside the doors for the phyce ward. I felt sick and wanted to turn and run away but Lexie wouldn't let me.

"We will do but I promise that I'll be by your side through it all. I always will be" Lexie said taking my right hand in hers.

"I'm scared Lexie. I'm scared that they will admit me" I admitted. I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with this.

"If that happens then we will get through it together! Together like everything we have ever done and that's a promise" Lexie said squeezing my hand a little.

"Let's get this over and done with" I exclaimed and Lexie nodded. We both headed through the double doors and I gripped onto my twins band as if my life depended on it.

"Can I help you" a receptionist asked and I looked to Lexie who nodded.

"I um... I" i swallowed hard unsure what else I should say, I felt sick.

"My sister needs an emergency appointment with someone. I think her medication needs changing" exclaimed Lexie, I looked down, I didn't want to be here, let's just say if I a car was coming racing towards me then I wouldn't even bother avoiding the car.

"Is today at 1:30 okay with you?" The receptionist asked and I looked to Lexie and nodded. Their was half an hour until the appointment but I wouldn't be able to do any work so I was going to have to talk to Bailey before the appointment so I'm not MIA.

"Right your all booked in. If you take a seat then you'll be called soon" the receptionist said with a nod.

"I'll make sure she's back." Lexie nodded

"Yeah, I'll have to talk to someone first. I'm on shift, I can't be being paged half way through a session" I said quietly and the receptionist nodded.

"I'll sign you in now, take a seat when you get back" the receptionist nodded. Lexie gently rubbed my hand with her thumb as we both left the ward.

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Lexie and I were on the search for Dr Bailey. She wasn't scheduled to be in surgery, not as far as I was aware.

"Hey Callie! Have you seen Bailey? It's kinda important" Lexie asked as we checked the Pit.

"she's just heading up to OR 1, you should catch her if you be quick" Callie told Lexie and I.

"Thanks, ill meet you in the Or for Joseph's Surgery" I said to Callie before Lexie and I make a run for it to catch Dr Bailey before she goes into surgery. We took the stairs with what could be classed as a run.

"Dr Bailey. Could we talk to you for a second. We just need a moment of your time" I called to the older woman who turned around.

"Can this wait?" She asked but Lexie shook her head.

"This is serious. It's about Nellie" Lexie paused looking to me.

"I've got an emergency appointment with a physiatrist soon and we thought it was best to let you know because well let's just say my mental health is bad right now, really bad and we don't know what the physiatrist is going to do, they may decided to admit me or they may want weekly sessions but we thought it was best to give you the down-low." I said simply to her.

"Thank you for letting me know Penelope, if you need anything you know where I am" Dr Bailey said to me and I nodded

"Thank you Dr Bailey, I'll let you get into surgery. I best get back to phyce for my appointment" I said and Lexie shot me a small smile.

"Let me know how it goes. You are not alone" Dr Bailey said and I nodded.

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I soon found myself back on the phyce ward and sat waiting in the waiting room. I was anxiously waiting for my appointment. I told Lexie I would be fine on my own while I waited but I continued to think about leaving and going back to work, I knew Lexie was not going to be happy if I left and deep down, really deep down I knew I had to talk to someone. If I hadn't told Lexie I was in a really bad place I wouldn't be sat in the waiting room and waiting to see a physiatrist. Was I ready for this? I don't think so but I was still doing it for my twin.

"Mom! I'll be fine! You don't have to come in with me" I listened to a young boy said as he sat down beside me.

"If your sure Paul" his mom said also sitting down, I glanced to my left to the boy and his mom, he looked no older than 10, I felt truest sorry for him, whatever he's gone through must have been horrible to result in him needing therapy..

"Penelope Grey!"  A older woman who I assumed was going to be my therapist called. I took a deep breath, stood up and shoved my hands into the pockets of my scrubs. I slowly walked over to the woman and followed her into a room, windows filled one wall and the room had paintings on the walls, I wouldn't say they were relaxing yet the room gave of a comforting vibe although I still wanted to turn around and run.

"Hi Penelope I'm Gabriella Scott and I'll be to it physiatrist" the woman introduced herself to me, I nodded a small nod in return to bed

"Thank you for fitting me" I said to the woman who sat down opposite to me, I knew the receptionist had booked me in

"I had a cancellation this morning so I was open to emergency appointments and After reading your notes I thought it was best to see you sooner rather than later so we can see what's going on in your head" I nodded to what she was saying, I wasn't technically with it but I was trying to focus

"So in todays session I just want I get to know you better, anything that you think will help me with understanding you more" Gabriella told me and I nodded slowly.

"To start with tell me abit about you." Gabriella said and once again I nodded. I did t know what she wanted to know.

"Well you know my name, Penelope Anne Grey but everyone practically calls me Nellie'. I'm a twin, identical twin and I have a photographic memory just like my twin and the obvious fact I'm a intern in the hospital" I shrugged, I mean they were the main things I should say about myself but she looked like she wanted more

"And what about your family, what is your relationship like with them?" Gabriella said to me

"Well me and my twin are best friends, we are so close and tell each other everything. Then theirs our order sisters Meredith, she's a surgeon in the hospital just like Lexie and I are, to start with Meredith and I didn't really talk, I don't think she liked Lexie or myself but now we're fine, we get along. It's always fun when drinking with her. then theirs Molly, she's also my best friend, she has a little girl, my niece; her names Laura. My dad and I don't really have a good relationship, never have; but that's fine because I have Lexie and she's all I have ever needed, if I had my twin by my side I was fine. Then finally is my mom. my mom well she's dead" i said with a shrug, the whole thing was true. My relationship with my father was never the best, but always felt like he favoured Lexie over me; when I had alcohol poisoning and decided I wanted to become a doctor he said I was only copying Lexie, I wasn't though. Besides he's a drunk, most of the days now he is drunk which lets just say, that doesn't help with our relationship.

"And your friends?" Gabriella asked, a small smile formed on my face.

"They are amazing. They are all so supportive especially Sophie; she's my person. Lucy is amazing too. If I didn't have my friends I would probably be a completely different person, and my girlfriend; she's the best. I'm pansexual, I date people no matter their gender identities, I go for personalities, how they treat me. It doesn't matter what in their pants because as long as they are kind and treat me right I don't care" i said with a small smile. Gabriella noted everything down in a notepad as she listened to Me talk.

"What's your girlfriend like?" Gabriella asked me.

"She's truly the best. We have only been together for a few months but she means the whole world to me. She makes me laugh and gives the best hugs. Arizona is also a truely incredible surgeon too, The children who she does surgery on are the luckiest ever because Z' really does love her job and she would do anything for anyone" I smiled a small smile

"You sound like you are really happy with her" Gabriella said and I nodded

"Now tell me about how you have been feeling, in yourself" Gabriella smiled

"Drained, I don't feel like I have the energy to do anything, getting out of bed and coming to work is even hard and I don't know why" I said, I wasn't exactly lying but I did know why I was feeling like this and it was because I wasn't taking my meds and that was surely a contribution to the feeling but I couldn't tell Gabriella that.

"Food makes me feel sick, I can't even stand thinking about eating, I recognise the feeling, it's the same I had as a teen but I'm working hard, I'm focusing on work and I'm happy in relationship, life is great so I don't know why I'm even in this dark place" i sighed while looking down I just wanted out, out of everything, the session with the therapist, the brain space I am in. Out of everything in fact.

"What about sleep? How are you sleeping? How many hours do you get?" Gabriella asked me. I didn't look up, instead I kept my glaze fixated on a yellow flower which was on the rug, I didn't want to look of pity which I knew I would be getting

"On off, sometimes I just lay their trying to sleep but I just don't fall asleep" I finally answered with another shrug, I glanced up and saw Gabriella writing down in her book, i ashamed she was writing what I was saying.

"Penelope from what I can tell is you are suffering with clinical depression, can you tell me what medication you've been prescribed in the past? Are you on anything right now?" Gabriella asked

"I'm on 30g of amitriptyline have been since I was 18 and yea I'm still on them and I take them every morning" I answered lying about taking them, if Lexie was here she would make sure I told the truth but I wasn't ready to tell her that I wasn't taking them. Gabriella was talking, I could tell she was however I wasn't able to pick her voice from the mess which was sadly my mind. It was like all of a sudden someone turned up the volume of all the sounds in my head and that meant that the real world had been muted. It felt like forever that I was trying so hard to block out everything in my head as I tried to focus on Gabriella

"So I'm going to give you a higher dose of the antidepressant and also prescribe you some promethazine to help with your anxiety and they should help at night. You can take 3 a day and they can be all at once or when you think you need them, you don't have to take them everyday just when and where you think you might need them" Gabriella explained to me, I nodded to her to indicate that I understood her. All I could think was Great! More pills I have to hide. Theirs no way I'm taking them, they could be trying to poison me quicker, I just had to figure out where I could hide them; it has to be somewhere that Lexie wouldn't find them or Arizona. No one could find them. I nodded as Gabriella spoke, I knew I wasn't going to take them but Gabriella didn't need to know that. None did.  I could do what I've been doing for months and pretend I'm taking theme

"I'll schedule you for another session for next week" Gabriella tells me who nodded.

"Thank you, I've got to run now as I'm scrubbing in on a child's surgery, could you possibly leave all the information at the reception for me to pick up lster?" I asked Gabriella who nodded

"Thanks" i mumbled before i practically ran out of the room and out of the phyce reception room. I ran down the corridor and to the stairs which I ran up to get to Callie who was already in the OR

"I'm sorry" i paused finally stopping outside of the OR as i saw Callie, I thought she was already inside but I was so lucky she wasn't

"I'm sorry I'm late... Um. My appointment ran late and I practically ran here from my appointment" I said while I took a few deep breaths as i tried to get my head straight and to catch my breath from running here.

"It's okay, are you okay?" Callie asked I nodded not wanting to talk about it, the pair of us both scrubbed in and got to doing the surgery on the boy. During the Surgery i felt at peace, for some reason I always did whenever I was operating, it was probably going to sound strange but doing any types of surgery was my happy place, my safe space. Maybe I was going to be okay now, I'm seeing a therapist and Im with someone who makes me the happiest I've ever been.

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I finally came out of surgery and took a break, I had about 6 hours left of the day and then I was going home with Arizona and having Lasagna. I wasn't looking forward to eating but I didn't want Arizona or Lexie to worry about me. I made my way into the intern locker room and sat myself down while running a hand through my own hair. I felt drained, mentally and didn't know what to do about it. I had to focus on the night ahead and spending it with my girlfriend and that's what I needed to focus on for the rest of the day, spending the night with my girlfriend and being happy, or as happy as I can be right now.

"How'd your appointment go?" Lexie asked practically making me jump out of my own skin.

"God Lexie! Did you have to scare me like that!" I admitted feeling my heart racing in my chest, I must have been in a world of my own to the fact that she had entered the room.

"Sorry Nellie' are you okay?" Lexie asked sitting beside me, I rested my head on her shouder and she slipped her arm around me.

"I've got my medication dosage increased and I've got some pills for my anxiety, I'm allowed to take 3 a day, they can be all at once if I cannot control my anxiety but if one works then I don't have to take them all at once. I've got another session next week at the same time" I said with a small shrug, I didn't know what else to say, their wasn't actually anything else to say

"It's a step in the right direction Nellie' and I'm not giving up on you. Never" Lexie smiled giving me a hug before we both got back to work. When you have people around you; you learn that you are not alone, you are never alone and that's because you have your people to lean on and you lean on them; you lean on them and they help you through; exactly what I need right now... I need my people to lean on and get me through

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