"When-?"

"When what? When did I start feeling this way? When did I write the note?when did I decide to bring it to school?"

"When were you going to tell me,ash?"

The question stumped me. It's not like I was never going to tell her, in fact I had the note in my bag so I could explain and then she could help me destroy it somehow. I should have told her months ago, and I knew this, but I just couldn't work out how, or when. I was scared, not that she'd blame me, but that she'd feel bad for me. The idea of being pitied, especially by my best friend, repulsed me. It made me physically nauseous to even think about it. And I know it's ridiculous, and I know that she would only ever help, it still terrified me.

"I was going to tell you, I was just trying to work out - work out"

"Work out how?"

I nodded, relief seeping through me as I realized she understood, maybe not how I felt but why I felt that way.

"I have to know. Why did you bring it to school? Were you planning to actually go through with it?"

I shook my head so fast I nearly snapped my neck (not on purpose of course, I'm not that desperate to die), desperate to reassure her that I wasn't that bad, not yet at least.

"Then why, Ash? You have to understand with Kadyn around it was a stupid decision."

"I brought it so you could read it. I wasn't sure how to tell you otherwise. And then I was going to ask if you could help me get rid of it."

I looked down as I spoke to her, fiddling with the frayed cuff of my jumper. She must have noticed this, as she lay one of her hands over mine, rubbing my fingers in a caring way. She always knew how to protect me, how to make me feel better. Honestly that's probably why I was so nervous about telling her, so hesitant. This was one problem she couldn't fix, one bad guy she couldn't scare away for me. Not when the monster lived inside of me, instead of under my bed like when we were kids.

"Ash, it's ok. I'm not mad. Like sure, I'm not exactly thrilled that my best friend feels like this but it's not your fault and I understand that. I will never be mad at you for how you feel. Unless you feel like you shouldn't be friends with me, of course."

I knew what she was doing, joking around with me while still letting me know she supported me, using the typical "if you don't laugh you'll cry logic", and it kinda worked, the tears that I hadn't even realized were building up cleared with a blink, allowing me to see clearly again.

"Now I say we go get the twins and go for ice cream, yeah?"

I nodded, making her laugh as I immediately stood up.

"What flavour is it this ti-"

"Asher pierce? The headteacher wants to see you. Head to reception please"

Oh. Fuck. I forgot, thanks to Shelly's distraction. The whole school just heard my suicide note. I am so fucked.

i felt like absolute shit today so i decide to make more characters suffer hehe. idk if this book is actually read but i swear imma continue it, i have plans for the plot and everything lol