Abigail on the Run.

"Flight one nineteen France – Heathrow will be landing in around twenty minutes we thank-you for choosing British Airways and hope you enjoy your time in England. Current temperature in London is a pleasant 23 degrees and looks to be a mostly clear week ahead. Please fasten your seatbelts and put your trays in an upright position."

I ran, of course I did. The child in me fleeing from trouble back to Da and his haven in the suburbs. Putting a few thousand miles between the boys and myself was scary but required for survival.

So I can't change your mind any?" Jim had lowered his newspaper. Folding it as he placed it on the dining table in front of his teacup as I explained where I was going.

"No, sir" No more than a whisper uttered. He gripped my hand and held firm, making me raise my eyes so I could see his pain then anger flair.

"What did that no good ratbag Lennon do?"

"Da" I warned not wanting to open a big can of worms "I just need a fresh start and don't go picking on John" I hated John and loved him, I hated myself for the feelings I have. Paul, oh Paul. What did I do to Paul too.

Writing the first two letters was incredibly hard, the next two not so much. George and Richard still meant the earth to me but the feelings ran deeper on the side of friendship not love and heartache.

"But it's the other side of the world girl couldn't you just move to Sheffield or even bloody Scotland" Da was upset and rightly so. But I needed the other side of the world. To come to terms with not being near them. If I stayed in the country I would surely find my feet making me return.

"I leave in two days, my bags are packed, documents done and stamped, ten pounds paid" I stood up, this was by far the scariest thing I had ever done in my life and my insides wept and cringed in loss and trepidation too. "Can we please, please spend this last bit of time like we used too, Da. Happy, together?"

Da nodded slowly giving up, just like I was.

Dearest Paul

Forgive me for I have sinned. I fell hard and fast for one and ended up crushing another- you, sweet darling, you.

I love you and I am leaving, such a paradox isn't it. Abigail the conundrum.

But I don't think I will be missed so much, your hectic life will fly this hiccup by. In time, you will find the perfect one that loves you like no other, she will spend her days filling yours with happiness and giving you the family you deserve.

I promise to be safe and write and be happy, I want you to promise the same.

I couldn't have you Paul, the world would have eaten us both alive and we would have died a thousand deaths from the intense scrutiny of it all.

Perhaps we will meet up again, the stars will align and the sun shine on our faces but until then take my goodbyes, the memories and moments and file them away where they are safe for rainy days and sleepless nights.

Forgive me,

Abigail xxxooo

It isn't at all enough... my words useless, lying disgustingly shallow and wan on the page. This was the fourth attempt and I am so tired and need to leave soon, bags by the door, Da grumbling and slightly miffed by the fire. He doesn't understand nor I to be truthful, but my heart is pushing me, the mechanical like functions over the past week have had me arranging appointments in Embassy's, passport, visas, emmigration forms, shots, medicals and I can't seem to stop the procession of my feet from one office to the next.

Sitting both letters by the telephone I kiss Da and ask forgiveness for the thousandth time and hope this time he can grant it.

Deer John

Oh deer it's 1 of those lettas!

Eye got caught in your headylights and was a gonna. I ought have known, should have somehow realised I wood fall for Bill.. he was so smooth on the telly-phone, and John the devil, with his keen sense of humour and wit had me at hello.

You had me good and proper and I somehow lost my sense of dignity along the way, though as you can sea I found it and have run off like a headless chook instead.

I love you and will always have that tiny room in my heart for U and eye guest you love/d me a little (?).... On a gud day of witch there were many I could sea belles, flours and steeples, on a bad I saw messy sheets and me not in them.

I promise to right and 'promise not to tell' (!) any of your sordid dirty little secrets if you promise the same. Although my list is short(ish) and yours a smidge longer, only a smidge though! We wood both knot enjoy the head-lions.

Abby

P.S Promise to not be too big a wanker to Paul and the others