24th Jan 1965 Empire theatre Liverpool Concert

Dedicated to Chuck berry (18th Oct 1926- 18thMar 2017)

"Come on" John shook me awake and I pulled another pillow over my sleepy head not listening really to who or what was shaking me.

Then it dawned.

I bounced up!

John!

"What are you doing here!"

John had been off in Sardinia with Richie and Maureen and I wasn't expecting them back til at least next Friday.

As he jumped on the bed I grabbed him for a cuddle, I missed the warmth, the humour and the love he shelled out for free when he was around, always generous to me.

"I missed you so much, it's been dead borin' here"

John fell abruptly on the bed, I got a wink and a kiss and I couldn't help but grin ear to ear.

Paul was off with Jim as they had errands to run with solicitors and such for Jim's care. Now that Jim was more himself he had decided that he wanted all his affairs in order. After being back at Jim's with the family after Christmas, Paul and I had finally got back into town only for him to be called back out to da's two days later.

"I heard you were a tad lonely and decided to come home and surprise you. Come 'ere. I missed your kisses, Abbs" As I sat on Johns lap I was excited that he was back.

This year was going to be different.

I would finally be able to make an appearance on Johns arm as his girlfriend, the last few months had us ducking for cover from the press and fans, we did it but it was horrid at times.

I would never see him except here at the house or when I visited the studio with the boys and then I needed to make sure I was in everyone's company not just his.

"Get dressed in something nice. We have a long drive and I want to get going" Now he was talking!

I dashed into the bathroom after grabbing my new Christmas mini dress John had given me. I teamed it with black stockings and white boots, I hadn't had an opportunity to wear them out as Pattie was off with George and I really hadn't had the chance to go anywhere special. Even though it was bloody cold outside I was determined to wear the outfit adding the stocking, and would take my thickest ruby coloured coat to keep warm.

"Crikey how am I going to concentrate on anything with you wearing that! You look lovely" As he laid across the bed I gave a little twirl and small curtsy for his fun. "Bring your overnight as well luv"

"Where are we going? Will this be ok or should I put trousers instead, I might freeze" I was grumbly about the cold but he could see I was itching to go out in the dress.

"You'll be fine I'll keep you warm. We'll go see Mimi and then, my girl, we are going to a concert" He laughed as I shoved all my crap in an overnight bag, spare clothes, makeup and hair accessories. "I said overnight, not three weeks. I've only what I stand in"

"Yea well we all can't stink now, can we" I tossed my favourite perfume in after spraying around myself accidently on purpose putting a bit on him.

"Ping off with that. I'll have half the teds in the 'pool after me!" Grabbing my bag John gently pushed me in front of him to go down the stairs to the front door. "Ready...." He looked worried I wasn't sure if the worry was for him or myself.

The gate birds were out in force and they knew that only John and I were here together, alone. I nodded, we made our way to the car.

John waved as the girls screamed mostly baying for Paul then suddenly remembering and realising that he wasn't here, they then decided John was their favourite 'John give us a kiss' 'John where are you going' 'Are you taking Abigail- Why' 'John PLEASE one picture!' the screams echoed the small courtyard of Pauls home.

"Hi Mal, how are you" I handed Mal my bag quickly as he smiled his hello at me, wasn't much point in chatting as we were behest by noise. John gave in to the girls for a few minutes, hoping to placate them. Mal frowned at the decision, it was school time so the street was full of the kids walking to school, we would end up stuck til the bell rang.

"Hi John" they all cooed, fluttering their lashes.

"Ladies, now be good girls and let us through, yeah" John smiled for the endless photos and signed around twenty autographs before reiterating " That's it luv's. We 'ave to go"

"Awwww" a unison of girls cried out.

"You're going out with Abby??" One of the regular girls frowned and drew her brows like she was trying to solve the puzzle of humanity. She was oft outside and was quite nice, I never told them anything and gave them badges and stickers, they all thought I was a confidant with what they told me and asked of me.

"Yeah"

"John!!"

"Abigail, are you going on a date with John!?!?"

"Are you his girlfriend!!!!!"

"No! you can't be, he's MINE!"

It had started.

I knew I didn't have a poker face and as the girls rained questions I tried to smile but I think I was more showing fear. A newspaper man took some photos and I dived into the car.

As we traversed the gate, I smiled and waved nicely out one window and got bangs on the glass, the finger and nasty looks in returns, while John sat the far side and got kisses all over the glass, notes shoved in the tiny open crack of glass and screams.

"Well that was delightful" I whispered to myself but big ears heard me and laughed at my traumatised face.

"You know what's going to happen, Abbs. I hate it but you know well enough from Pattie, Mo and even Jane what the score is" John pushed over towards me an arm coming around my shoulders. I leaned on his arm and wished away the fans.

"I know" I murmured "I Know" I uttered again a little louder "doesn't mean I have to like it"

"Want to know where we're going Abbs?" I was squeezed and John handed me three tickets.

"Chuck Berry oh my god John I love him!! Really, in Liverpool, tonight. I can't believe it, I love his music!"

"You already said that, say it again and I might get jealous" He poked me as I flapped the tickets looking at the picture and times, the seat numbers "Box seats" He pointed out "so I don't become dinner of the general population"

"One for Mal too. That's grand. Mal remember that song I put on the other day, hope he plays that!"

"Yup was certainly a fine piece of guitar playing" Mal brought his eyes up to meet mine, smiling in the rear-view mirror "what was that one?"

"Hang on have you been taking my girl out while I've been away Malcolm? I will have to watch you two" John leaned forward to playfully punch Mal in the shoulder.

"Nadine!" I smiled at John and he was laughing at my happiness.

"I'm looking forward to the show. I've heard he adds heaps of stuff. If he has time we're going backstage"

"NO!" I said flabbergasted at the thought of actually meeting the man himself, a legend.

Yes" John tugged his ear after I basically had yelled right in his ear with all my pent up enthusiasm.

"Sorry John! I wouldn't have thought you would be such a fan I thought you more liking Bob Dylan you know"

"Huny If you tried to give rock 'n' roll another name, you might just call it 'Chuck Berry' !" John smiled down at me. "Have a kip, we have a long night ahead of us Abby"

The rain started to pour and Mal had to slow the car down for it was lashing the windscreen so ruthlessly we couldn't see the signs or cars about us. I leaned into John's warmth and snuggled into his shirt as the cold dreary day lulled me to sleep. Every now and then one of the boys would speak and I would hug John a little tighter making sure he was still wrapped around me.

I woke when the afternoon took over, rain had given way to wind and the car was buffeted as the cross winds pushed from the sides, John was now leaning against the window sound asleep so I rolled up spare jacket and put it under his head to stop him bumping on the glass. 

Mal glanced up as I leant back and smiled. The radio was off as we were midway between towns and not much reception was available, he tried once more, grimacing as the squawk of static made John jump then settle again when the noise shut off.

"Want me to drive for a bit?" I was rewarded with a smile but a hearty no. I watched the landscape ever change through the window above Johns head, the clouds seemed to bounce along the tree tops, rain would be upon us again soon but the trip would be over by four pm.

We pulled up out the front of number 251 Menlove Avenue, the house was shut up tight, a small tendril of smoke coming from the chimney the only indication Mimi was home. The cosy looking home was semi-detached and looked like it was built in the 30's, the buildings lines giving the feeling of the era. Pale grey cement rendered walls greeted us and the tiny blast of sun that arrived with us shined off the rainbow of stained glass, with its mosaic of colour, in the front windows. The front door opened and a well-dressed lady stood frowning on the threshold.

"Ah, look at that – smiling for me!" John sarcastically pronounced as he strode away toward Mimi's side, I hoped the look wasn't for me as I still stood holding the back door open for no one. I was not able to push away til John had hugged Mimi and raised a hand beckoning me to join them. 

Mal followed up the rear, tall and lanky looming over my shoulder. I realised as I stood before the woman that I was now the centre of her undivided attention her eyes drifting over my body, thankfully the mini dress was still hidden under my coat. A slight nod was all I got before I felt John's hand grasp my elbow and guide me into the kitchen.

"Tea?"

"Yes thank-you Mrs Smith" I replied politely and I was rewards with John laughing silently behind his aunt.

"Oh, don't bother with Mrs Smith, Mimi is fine dear" I was pushed a cup and saucer as she bustled about, retrieving homemade fruit cake slicing it to pieces. John grabbing two pieces and circled the kitchen looking in tins and examining the contents of the fridge. "John, sit down and stop hovering, you're making the room look untidy. Dear won't you take your coat off, its warm in here. Don't want you sick now do we"

"Oh I'm fine thank-you"

She frowned then a tight lipped smile appeared as she rounded the table, proceeding to take the coat from my shoulders under my quiet nervous duress.

"Well I see you got the dress from the dressmaker before she had finished it..." Mimi smirked. I wasn't sure if it was in jest or displeasure and I sank further into the seat. She stood me up and ran a sharp eye over the outfit.

"Leave her be Mimi. She didn't know you were conducting the Spanish inquisition into her outfit, we're off to a concert and she dressed the part" John rallied hoping to take the brunt of Mimi's attention.

"Don't be talking to me that way, my boy. I can still belt you through to next Monday" Mal and I giggled at the two glaring dangers at each other and then the room seemed to relax, Mimi smiled and all was well. "So, a Liverpool lass then. John tells me you were working for that McCartney boy's father."

"Yes mam, housekeeper"

"Housekeeper, cook, nurse when he was ill, physiotherapist, driver and she was at secretarial night school at the same time" John offered up proudly, making Mal roll his eyes.

"Yes, well that's all well and good but now your tangled with John with his noise and antics, you've probably had to give school away?"

"NO mam, I graduated dux somehow and got a job helping Mr Epstein when I'm in town when I'm not out at Mr McCartney's. John is a distraction but I pull him into line"

John then took turn to roll his eyes as I took a sip of tea to cover my grin.

"Mam" She huffed but I could see she was really chuffed underneath the Liverpool tough exterior "I'm not the queen missy" Mimi countered a little lighter this time, I think I may have crossed her invisible line of worthiness. "Just keep him in line, I don't want him embarrassing the whole country"

"Mimi!" John pouted "I would never embarrass England Mimi, only the occupant of 251 Menlove Avenue" He quickly planted a kiss on her cheek and she batted him away but she was smiling proudly at him all the same.

As we snuck into the rear of the Empire Theatre the adrenalin and excitement flittered within, I was so looking forward to the concert hearing the songs that spin so much on my turntable, alive with energy, a heartbeat away from me.

The backdoor was guarded lightly, carelessly even, Chuck was just some guy from the States not the Beatles. So when one of the local constabulary did spot John they had a double take and shot over fast to bemoan the fact that there were no more than five officers scattered around the precinct. After some fast talking by Mal they relaxed and resumed their whacking of batons on their hands, we found our seats as the lights dimmed.

Electric guitar twangs floated over us before the lights spiked and settled on the small ensemble on stage, I had read that Chuck only gathered a band together prior to the concert. Would the haphazard practice of barely three hour's be enough? John mumbled beside me that the microphones were dismal as bits of disjoined sound shot out as the players warmed up but the sound of the musicians blasted out moments later made him rethink his words, he was nodding silently now.

Chuck Berry, a tall lanky man with a devilish grin, was in his element, often not even remembering the audience was there. He was in his own cocoon of sound, then as the last notes fell away he would almost jump back from the audience as they started hooting and hollering, clapping and banging there feet on the old timber floor boards.

His legs made funny moves and he showed off with weird shuffling and joking between songs, Berry kissed his Gibson on the neck, wrestling with it as he made it scream and swoon during his wild solos, jutting it lasciviously from his waist as he did splits. The audience went nuts and John was laughing so hard he almost left his chair for the floor, Mal grabbed him as he tipped.

That had me cackling at John, Mal joining me teasing him we were so focused on Johns discomfort that we almost missed the opening notes as Chuck launched into 'Nadine'. Mal and I freaked and jumped up together trying to dance around the tiny box. Now it was John's turn to be bemused at my and Mal's folly.
The concert went on...

"Did you enjoy that Abbs" John asked as we slipped down towards backstage, I had thought we were off to the car but when I was dragged around a corner towards the opposite direction Mal whispered, we were now going to meet 'him.' I ground to a halt and John laughed.

"You're with me for Christ sake and you're worried about 'im?" I shrugged and John started off again past the lighting guys, second glances were occurring everywhere but John was so quick we were gone by the time they even tried to stop him.

"But you're just..... you, he's bloody Chuck Berry right Mal. A real celebrity" I couldn't help sniggering as Mal held a hand across his mouth, John continued pulling my arm around this corner. "Aren't you just a teeny tiny bit intimidated? You lads have covered most of his stuff haven't you, its-"

"Shut up Abbs"

"Hit a nerve did she John?" Mal patted my back and pushed through to begin to lead us the rest of the way, dimly lit hallways with wires, discarded flyers and empty cups, the cold of the night seeping around us.

"Sorry Abbs. Yes ok, I am a bit nervy, not a word though luv" John admitted his concerns softly and so near my ear that when he finished I felt the tip of his tongue run around my earlobe over my tiny pretend diamond earring causing a shudder to run over me. When he leaned away I was rewarded with that secret smile that I felt was only reserved for me.

Mal found the room and knocked, stepping in to check all was well with the manager as John and I hid in the darkness across the hall. A light shone above the door, so many people passed us but never saw John Lennon standing there. I kissed the spot just to the right of his lips and I was soon taken for an intoxicating fast few minutes of making out, only surfacing when a random guy accidently pushed me into Johns body from behind, as he squeezed down the tight hallway his heavy dustbin jutting out.

"Not now missy, naughty gurl!" John smirked on my lips then quickly grabbed and spun me round to settle me back in front of him. My back on his chest, his hands running up and down my sides.

Mal open the door again beckoning us in. Only Mal, the manager, Chuck and his wife, Themetta were in the room and I immediately felt relaxed.

Themetta stood as we entered seemingly relieved that another female was in the room, I smiled at her politely and she was smiling, approaching quickly, offering her hand to shake and I was instructed to call her 'Toddy'. She was a pretty woman a little shorter than I and, when I saw lanky Chuck sidle up to her, I smiled at the height difference.

"John Lennon, come to drop off the royality cheques then!" Chuck laughed a big hearty laugh, light hearted joking, that made John grin and relax. All the songs that the boys had made famous again would have been giving Chucks bank balance a boost.

"No not at all, just come for some hints on writing" John retorted quickly and they were off and laughing on the other side of the room to his wife and I.

We were having a hot drink and she was shivering in a blanket, my knee slipped out of the coat and she looked up in shock. I undid the coat so she could see the unsuitable attire and she laughed at me.

"I think you need this more then I, dear"

"I'm ok. I had the opportunity to dress up, and I did!"

"The dress is definitely up" she laughed as I pulled the hem of it down all of three centimetres and pulled the coat back around me, the dress hem sliding ever upwards as I sat down again.

"Did you enjoy the show?" Chuck was standing over us now and I leaned back to smile at him, I think he was delighted with my answering beam as he smiled broadly back.

"Oh yes, Mr Berry! It was my very first concert, I'm grateful it was yours I got to see!" Chuck looked at me blankly like I had swallowed half a roast turkey then swung round to John, John shrugged and seemed just as bemused at my answer.

Berry started laughing loudly then settled down before replying "Firstly my names Chuck, Mister Berry is my ole' man and young lady .. how is it you seem to be here on John Lennon's  arm and sister to one Paul McCartney so that's two..." Chuck held up two fingers at me (no not in a rude way!) "not one but two Beatles you are acquainted with and THIS is your first concert?!"

John looked at me and seemed to pale. He recovered quickly and realised what Chuck was on about all in one moment then as Chuck watched on bemused he burst out "You haven't either have you Abbs! Only bits of rehearsals or at the studio" He hoped down beside me holding my hands "I hadn't even realised, I'm sorry. Paul and I will fix this injustice as soon as possible"

Chuck was smirking over Johns head so I thought I would entertain him a tad more "Oh thank you John! How soon do you think we can catch a Rolling Stones show?" Mal had to hold the doorjamb to stop himself falling onto the drinks table as he giggled.

"You, cheeky girl" Chuck smiled down as John rose shaking his head "She's ok man. Especially since now I know she's a Stones fan" I giggled as John clutched my neck softly pretending to wring it off.

As John let up on the 'wringing' he pulled me into his arms and kissed my cheek noisily making me blush crimson, it definitely was not as romantic as earlier in the hall. "She has a certain wit about her, though I will have to spank the Stones out of her" He laughed as I gasped and held my chest in mock indignation. "On the other hand, she would probably enjoy the spanking too much" I pounded his shoulder with my fist as he pretended that it was hurting him.

A late supper of fish and chips from Johns favourite old haunt near the Liverpool docks was our dinner that night, having departed the theatre hours later, we were all famished, John's suggestion was my kind of night out nosh.

"Want to see your ma tomorrow?" John asked as he threw a hand full of chips at Mal. He was sitting behind me, he didn't even blink before  tossing the lot back at John. I had bits of chips in my hair and they both burst out laughing.

"If we 'ave time, that would be nice" I grinned as I took a sip of cola, Mal picking chips out of my hair like a seagull.

"Sure. Come on, a quick walk along the docks and we'll head to the hotel" We didn't stay at Mimi's as John wanted to make sure no fans started hanging round the front of the house again, Mimi would get upset with the ruckus. 

Mal hung back tossing the rest of the chips into the lapping water as I held John's arm close and we meandered our way along the empty pier.

"I used to come here and draw when I was sad" I stepped away, grabbing hold of the rail. The railing was cold. We were near the end now, looking over the Mersey, it was so pretty at night but in the daylight it was all girders, steel, scrap and ancient buildings made of rusty tin.

"Well that would make you sadder, sitting looking at that lot in the daylight, not terribly uplifting"

"Sometimes I would attempt to draw the ships or buildings but mostly I doodled or drew knifes in my enemies" I laughed making John round on me from the other side of the pier.

"Crikey remind me not to upset you. Now why were you sad, little girl?"

"Bullies mainly but the lad next door was the main culprit, would put horrid things under my window, was a cow's head from the knackery once. I screamed half the neighbourhood down" John ran a finger along my cheek making me smile, being here so late in our old haunts with him was so extremely inconceivable. I wanted John to stay close so I meshed his fingers with mine, intertwining them together.

"Sounds like I should have been around to duff 'im one"

"I was ok, as soon I was old enough I got a job at the grocers, long hours meant no interaction then he moved so that was a bonus!" The wind suddenly whipped up and the smell of dead fish hit my nostrils, John nodded in silent agreement, at my nose scrunching up, his the same.

"Did you ever go to the cavern, see us?" The light of the nearby shed swung on its hook and shone over John creating an aura of light around him "I saw Gerry a few times, Rory too but Richie was gone by then. I remember one night  a couple of years before, at the Casbah- 1960, maybe '61? My one and only friend Joanne pulled me along after work. I was stuffed, my feet so tired from standing all day. I sat up the back with my feet on a spare chair, watching on as boys surrounded her. She was a flirt, I think she only had me along to make her stand out, hold her purse so to speak." I shrugged, catching a stray hair and putting it behind my ear the wind took it again, John pushed it back into place yet again.

"Did you wear glasses on those nights you played the Casbah John? I only realised it possibly could have been you the other day... When you put your specs on and looked at something or other. Strange how the mind works"

I looked into the heavens, a few stars but random clouds were moving along swiftly too "When you did I had a flash of what could have been a young Paul and George fighting and you of all people dragging them apart, weren't you usually the trouble?!" I watched as John lifted his chin, his mind running through the Casbah nights, a nod, then he was looking directly at me again.

"George started smiling at Dot one night, she was Pauls girl. Oh yea, George, ever the gentleman fetched her a drink, then it was on. Poor old Georgie was being the nice innocent git he was, and still is. And Paul saw red, jealous he was. Him and Dot had some row, he was on the edge of anger all night, then took off his guitar and flew at George." Fingers wound around mine as we pressed together for warmth. "You were there! How's that for Dickens!"

"I was a pattern on the wall"

"I remember Joanne, a right piece that one, never liked 'er, big knockers though, she had some third wheel that the guys would harp on about at the bar...." I groaned and John opened his eyes wider in realisation "You! were the wheel" I nodded and ducked my head down into his chest, I felt his heart and his breathing, they calmed and gave certainty to me even though a blush rose on my cheeks.

"I'm glad you didn't run into me then, actually. I was a fucking wanker anyway. Now you are the rose- no more wallflower for you, she's probably living in Speke with three dozen kids and I am.."

"Not so much of a wanker" I finished for him and got the laugh I so wanted out of him.

"You are a right witty one, keeping me on my toes ye are" John turned me round to face the dark waters, hugging me tight about my waist.

We walked that way all the way back to Mal. John behind me, our legs marching in sync as he leaned over my shoulder. The car started and we were on our way to warm beds and dreams.

It's funny how life runs circles round you, I only remembered a grainy memory of someone, and now we agree it may well have been John from the past. In one moment of time a glimpse -glasses, light hitting them just right and pictures suddenly crowded my mind, a silent movie of smashing tables, poor old George, no not old he was a baby then around 17 I would think. I now remember wondering at the time what his mother thought of him out so late. I watched him leave with a blood lip, scurrying up the stairs as I stood to leave, Joanne with her tongue down some random guy's throat.

We arrived at my mums at around ten the next morning, she was her usual self; no food in the house, teacups and dirty dishes everywhere and crying over some slob of a fella that hadn't called. It reiterated to me why I really had to move from this house. It wasn't secretarial school alone..

'Ma this is John and Mal" I smiled with embarrassment etched over my face, Mal gave my arm a squeeze, John went forward and sat with mum as she tried to straighten herself out on the couch, her clothes were wrinkled and unkept from sleep.

"Oh ok, you're Abigail's friends are you; both of you" Ma was sounding nice to the boys but I felt the undercurrent of her words. I had never played around once and now here she was thinking I had Mal and John on the clock.

I took a deep breath as I returned from the kitchen empty handed.

"There's no milk or tea mum" I sat beside John and watched her look me over, down her nose, seeing a bare knee poking out of my coat.

"No"

Not very helpful. She wore an old dress, dark blue and drab. Makeup covered her face in a heavy blanket, mascara smudged.

"I'll pop to the shop then" Mal offered, exiting the house so quickly I wished I could have gone too.

"So Missus Grant, Abigail has been a great help to Mister McCartney during his recent illness" John attempted some small talk, this should be interesting. Ma could close The Tube down by just blinking.

"Yes that would be her, helps all and sundry but useless to me" Ma looked at me dully, picking up a packet of cigarettes and lighting the end, John joined her. He was watching my Ma and I closely, not openly, but as he let his eyes go round the untidy room he took note.

"Ma, I always send money home to help you"

"You left and he left. Twas a coincidence? I think not my dear" Ma snarled and put out her cigarette, I felt the prickle of tears. I deserved none of this meanness, now she is accusing me...Accusing me of running off with her horrid boyfriend.

"John could you go and boil the kettle please" I smiled and my eyes begged him for a few minutes of one on one with me Ma. More than willing to leave the room he was gone in seconds flat, banging the kettle on the stove none to gently, and it sounded like he was washing up. I smiled at Ma hoping we could be pleasant.

"Well you have these two round your little finger, one off shopping, the other fixing the kitchen" She was in such a mood, I wanted to try and be understanding, compassionate even but the uphill battle had begun.

"Ma, John is my boyfriend and Mal is a friend, don't go acting like I'm a bloody tart"

"Oh, you act all doe eyed but when you took off that time, then my Tommy leaving not more than five minutes later.... You little harlot, I ought to slap your face"

"Ma I didn't. I never even spoke to Tom"

"Oh, Tom is it now!" She stood up, pointing a finger in my face so I had to rise to have some sort of equal standing I was already crying, soon John would be in the doorway. "Did you know she was a slut or are you just working this out now Johnny" she yelled over her shoulder.

John walked back through and made to come into the room I held a hand up, his eyes dark and stormy, anger for me, or was it pity.
I wasn't entirely sure.

I started off trying to keep my voice at an even level but the anger bit at my heels and my voice rose as I walked towards her "Don't you bring John into it. I have never ever been a person like that" She laughed in my face "Ma, what do I have to do for you to stop you saying such horrid things"

"Oh, there's is nothing you can do, a girl like you never stops she just rolls off one man onto another" The grin as I took in her words was evil and I actually caved; lost my temper. I slapped my own mother across her face. I walked out.

As Mal pulled up I jumped in the car, John walking toward it with my handbag tucked under his arm and a smoke dangled from his lips, he actually looked like a stunned mullet.

"I got the milk" Mal offered up blindly as he held out the pint of milk but I ignored him.

"Put it in the fridge Mal then come back, we're leaving" John walked Mal to the door and watched as Mal dropped the tea and milk inside, they both came back to the car. Mal quickly returned the car into the traffic and we left Liverpool.

I leaned heavily on the door, tears pouring, I couldn't stop them. She had never been this deluded or mean. John laid his hand softly on my shoulder as the emotions shook my body, I tried to shrug him off but he just gripped tighter, letting me know he was there.

"I'm so sorry" my handkerchief was soaked through and Mal had passed a box of Kleenex through from the front at some stage.

"What! No! You have nothing to be sorry about Abbs" John shoved over beside me, his head on my shoulder, the trees streaked by as bottle green blur.

"I never once John, truly"

"Abby turn around, let me hug you luv" I was bundled into warm arms, palms soothing my back "Shush it's ok, I know you're a good girl, never thought otherwise"

"I need a drink"

"Mal got some water or somethin'?"

"No. I want something to take all the horrible things she said away" I never did this but I never had a mother like she was today either.

"No you don't. Let's get back to London and have a couple then"

"She hates me. Calling me a trolop, a, a harlot, I –" As I gave into the tears again I also gave up my mum "I won't go back, there's nothing for me in that house now"

We drove on in silence, the towns and villages passed by and I fell asleep at some stage because found myself waking up in my bed at Paul's, the curtains blowing into the room, the cool night air had me up shutting the window fast, the streets were shroud in darkness, a flickering lamplight a few houses down the only illumination.

I needed a drink- water, something. My lips were cracked and dry, I tumbled down the stairs swiftly, my eyes stinging and sore from the crying.

Voices murmured and greeted me at the bottom of the stairs, Paul sat on the piano stool and John on the floor, the side lamp was on, casting a warm amber glow around the room. As soon as John saw me he opened his arms and I sat gratefully in his lap, I was surrounded in warmth immediately. His fingers gently looping my hair from my eyes, I dared to look at him, I must have looked a mess, but he only kissed my cheek and hugged me tighter.

They continued talking and soon I was handed a brandy glass. I took a too big a swig and gasped at the heat, then coughed, making the two laugh softly at me.

"Better?" Paul climbed down beside us, looking at my face, his eyes warm and soft, kindness brimming, running his hand up and down my arm comforting and safe.

"A little"

"You don't need to explain or excuse today. We know you Abbs, nothing will change how we feel for you- both of us" Paul smiled and I had to get a hug, so I ended up being sprawled out of Johns lap hugging Paul and John ended up begging for mercy.

"Abbs shove off for a bit, you squishing me bladder lass" I ended up with Paul now, him kissing the top of my head as John left the room for the bathroom.

"I won't let anyone hurt you Abbs, you're not to go back there unless someone is with you, alright" Paul shook me softly making the whispered words sink into my wounded soul. "You're safe here"

"Thanks Paul" I gave him a kiss on the cheek a little too close to his lips, an innocent accident "Oops, sorry. I feel much better now. I shan't let her get to me"

John walked back in and handed me the rest of the brandy, watching me hug Paul, Paul's head on mine. I let go and wanly smiled up at him, he grinned back happily at me but then frowned quizzically at Paul. I let it slide, they had their own language and I couldn't understand the silent conversations most days. Finally, I felt the effects after finishing the remaining brandy, the warm fuzzy feeling turned me into a sleepy relaxed Abigail.

"Come on Abbs, I'm beat let's get some kip" John pulled me up and off Paul, who sighed heavily as I was lifted away, I then pulled Paul haphazardly to his feet.

"Goodnight Abigail.... John" Paul turned into his doorway.

I left John and gave Paul a kiss goodnight on the cheek "Night" another hug claimed.

"Goodnight sweetie" The hug was home, gentle and loving, the squeeze of his arms making me calm.