The doctor was back, poking and prodding then left after a few minutes.

The nurse then appeared to change my dressings.

It was all logical - shoulder, head, foot, then she turned around with a pad and started stuffing about with my horrid hospital gown.

"What are you doing?" She was trying to put it down there. She looked at me like I was a bloody idiot so I said it louder "What. Are. You. Doing?"

"Changing the pad"

"But I'm not on my monthly's" I puzzled wondering what was going on, my head hurt and I rubbed my eyes tiredly.

"The doctor didn't speak to you?" She was pretty and the boys all cast her second glances as she had fussed around when they happened to be in the room, I felt like telling her to sod off but I'm too polite to say that.

I just shook my head no, the doctor had run tests, checked my heart, looked in my eyes, checked my pulse, and tried to rotate my bloody shoulder to which I screamed blue murder, I may or may not have taught the doctor a new cuss word.

He never exactly went over my injuries with me.

"I'll fetch the doctor" The nurse took off leaving all the bloody bandages, no I'm not cussing, they had blood on them.

"She finished then?" John smiled and stepped in, nose wrinkling at the sight of the yucky bandages "gross" Paul scooted around the bed and plopped on the edge near my hip.

"Miss Grant" the doctor stood in the door clutching a chart which I presumed was mine, as he was glancing up and down looking at me. "It seems I have been remiss in not speaking over the particulars of your injuries with you"

"No, you haven't, and that nurse was being, weird"

"Weird, Miss Grant? I don't thing Nurse Kelly would be doing anything weird with your ministrations and medicines" The doctor walked straight up to John and impatiently waited for him to get the hint to back off from his position right beside the bed.

"Right, well hit me then, I know about the shoulder you let me know that was busted quite implicitly when you put your cold fingers on it and twisted it about like a wrench"

John and Paul hid grins from the doctor, who by now was checking my forehead for brains no doubt.

"Well Miss, that being said, I believe your gentlemen friends should perhaps wait in the hall"

"Pardon?"

"These two......Beatle people" Doctors distaste was almost palatable.

"Oh, why didn't you just say that then. Gentlemen- wasn't sure who you were referring to" I scoffed and John rolled his eyes smiling.

"The doctor turned to the boys "It's the pain medicine you see, gives them a sense of euphoria and unaccustomed courage to verbalise, no tact, et cetera. See yourselves out"

"No that's just Abigail" Paul smiled giving me a wink, turning to leave.

"They can stay I don't have any secrets"

"Oh, I think in this case it would be wise to be alone young lady, very wise" The doctor looked at the chart and ran his eye down the page.

"It's ok Abb's, we'll camp by the door and see you in a few" John kissed my lips and headed off out of the room.. but I had hold of Paul's hand, I wouldn't let go. John raised his eyebrow when he turned back for Paul at the doorway. He saw the problem- my hands, then nodded ok and shut the door quietly.

"Again, this is a delicate matter young lady" The doctor tried, really he did, but my mind was set.

I was terrified of anything he was going to say and couldn't bear to be all alone when he said whatever was the matter.

"OK, go ahead" I nodded. Paul held my hand, my lifeboat sat beside me floating in my peripheral vision, watching, waiting for the call to drag me to safety.

"Did you know you were pregnant Miss Grant?" The doctor said it so plainly but a tinge of disgust laced his words, he was old and obviously didn't like the younger generations casual sexual transgressions out of wedlock. "You couldn't have been far along but the blood test confirmed you were"

My lifeboat lurched toward me and I held another hand to the rope, my head swimming, mind paddling just enough to maintain my life. I was mute and staring into Paul I felt dirty like trash I was unwed, pregnant. Paul sensed my fear but he must have heard the doctor's words clearer than I. He turned back to the doctor.

"Were?" Paul queried softly, four letters seemed to be all that stood in the way of baby or no baby.

"Sorry, the force of the seatbelt in the accident culminating with the traumatic experience.... Abigail miscarried"

The doctor left and I just lay for the longest time watching a spot on the wall above the window.

I had been pregnant and didn't even know.
Now there's all this.

Should I mourn?
Do I cry?

I just feel like a piece of paper floating along a river not stopping to grasp the bank.

Paul fidgeted with the bedsheet and I finally realised I wasn't alone, by the looks of his red hand I had held him awfully tight.

"Did I hurt your hand" All but a whisper, all I could muster.

"No, Abigail. I...."

"Get John please" Paul sat back and looked me in the eye. Eyes that were now steady and clear "You of all people know I can't lie. Go, get him"

Paul tugged the sheet up my shoulder and leaned in carefully. I thought I would get a peck carefully placed on the forehead or nose, but he lay his lips so sweetly on my cheek I teared up with the emotions he passed to me.

John was pissed, he hadn't enjoyed waiting outside and he certainly hadn't enjoyed the fact that after the doctor left it was just Paul and me for what seemed to me was ages, hours, days.

He stood near on tip-toes, his boots rolled forward, looking out the high window. Bloody stupid window, even if I had stood up I still couldn't have viewed much of the outside world.

I left him alone to deflate his anger.

The eyes halfway to slits, fingers clenched, jaw all tense and tight. All held just like he does when he doesn't like something.

Slowly though, his eyes changed. Even from my profile side on view of him I saw the light creep back in and wake something inside.

His jaw next, so easy to miss, but I see, I see him rest the muscle held tight.

And then his fingers, his fingers so light in their touch usually, balled to fist on his far side, the side he thought I couldn't see, slowly ease and softened.

And just like that he was back, not much more than a minute, maybe even thirty seconds, and he is effervescent John again.

"Hey, feeling better" He breathed out as he sat on the bed and ran a finger lightly down my cheek.

"I have something to tell you, it's not any bother now but I need you to know that it happened. You know I can't lie to you or keep secrets"

"Yeah crummy secret keeper you are" Those lips that kiss me so well turned up, the eyes a little quizzical. "Paul was pretty moody when he came out"

I smiled softly what can I answer that with, he had to be strong in here beside me but when he walked out he was free to show what he hid, hid to help me.

It crushed me complete that something of Johns had left me while I was supposed to be protecting it "I'm not now"

"You're not what Abby?" He saw, he saw my eyes falter and I shouldn't, couldn't, wait any longer. Why was I even being so soft and emotional, I didn't even know "Come on spit it out, nothing can hurt you now"

"I was. Shit..." I wiped my eyes to stem the silly tears that welled "John apparently...apparently, I was pregnant"

He was the mute one now.

"But I'm not now... So yeah" I muttered mournfully, plainly stating "...Crisis averted"

"You were pregnant!" A mixture of shock, anger and hurt stared back at me "Why didn't you tell me! Christ Abigail you don't just hide that sort of thing" The voice rose and I was suddenly a child again, cowering.

He jumped up and hit the table making me jump in fright.

"John stop! Please!" I had to yell, he was being an idiot "I didn't know Johnny.... I didn't know" My voice choked on a sob, the words floundered, fading away "It's gone ok. I'm not pregnant anymore" and he saw the tears before I felt them "I'm not... not anymore, Johnny" Then he was there, softly gathering me up close to him, rocking me gently for himself and me.

We lay for ages, the nurse came and went. Brian looked in on us. Paul stood at the door watching. George and Richard waved then wandered away.

No words required, no mournful music or eulogy, no funeral to pay for, no wake, nothing and that possibly was the worst thing, for me, for John.

Like it never was.

Like it never happened.

"The bub would have been pretty like you" He said finally, fingers wrapped tightly round mine. I nodded watching his hand flex and the small muscles move below the skin. "Or a stud like me, both a win- win"

I met his eyes and I was saved again, held safe, a kiss on the lips and I was held close.

*********************

The nurse appeared again and I finally realised I was hurting, my emotions most definitely, but my body too was crying out with aches and pains. All were kicking me hard.

"Doctor says for you to have this needle for the pain and you are right to go. Mister Epstein has arranged that you will have someone with you so you can recover at home, doesn't that sound lovely" She smiled and John sat up "Looks like you have lots of male nurses too" she giggled and I smiled broadly, I needed that.

A piece of paper lay on the small table. Four signatures in each corner, the nurse got a reward for her duties.

Paul had been to the shop and got funny looks but still bought me a pale blue dress with white ribbon and a pair of flip flops, he also got pretty underwear for me, correct sizing, which John thankfully ignored.

They were all gone now. The room empty. The corridor uncluttered by my boys. The waiting room vacant of visitors. Mal pushed the wheelchair as the nurse held back each set of swinging doors til we got to the main entrance. Two black cars were positioned close and I felt very important. Some newspaper men took pictures and I ducked my head into Mal's shoulder as we pasted them by.

You see, the crutches were placed in the boot for the short journey from hospital door to car and Mal carried me gingerly so I didn't have to hop....

Magically the rear door opened as we approached, tender fingers carefully helping me inside.

A brown paper bag of medicines and notes was deposited beside me for reading and consumption periodically.

I clung onto John as I settled back. Opposite, Paul sat and made room for my foot.

"Let's go Mal, I want to go home" I closed my eyes and let the pain medicine, given just fifteen minutes prior, sweep over me.