I also grew blind. The lipstick on the collar sort of blind. The perfume surrounding sort of denial. Blaming the fans 'Oh yea they really were pushing us around at the studio carpark today' or 'they took off down the street after us' seemed to be the cover.

And I took it, cause I wasn't always there, I wasn't always beside him. Silly me, I wanted him happy so I let him.

Then there was the night they fought as I stood in the doorway of my room, not quite knowing what or who it was about.....

The front door slammed and they staggered in both drunk, both dangerous.

"You fucking do want her, don't lie" John growled and I heard him slam the door shut with his boot.

"Don't be stupid I'm with Jane. I don't have any feelings for-"

"Liar I see you. God, do you think me a fool?" John pushed Paul into a wall almost shaking the house and he let out a whoosh of air as he hit.

I stood atop the stairs unseen. Wanting to step off, go down offer tea, change the direction of conversation but it was different this fight.

"I like her, yes. Course she's beautiful, sweet and kind"

"And buxom and tight and -"

"John, keep it down you'll wake her" Paul hissed.

Me?

This is about me.

"Maybe she should wake up" I heard the fridge open and slam shut "Maybe, she should wake up to the fact you perve on her from sun up to sundown"

"John don't be daft. She's my sister"

"Fuck off" The tap ran and I sat atop the stairs hugging my knees "Sister, very convenient. Tell me... did you do her yet, did you fuck your sister"

Bang, and the punches started and I held my head and screamed silently for it all to stop. I held my breath as the punches went on, waiting for the words, hating the words before they were uttered, not wanting to hear anything more.

So instead I rushed the stairs to the bottom, my thump into the door opposite enough to wake them both to the fact I was close, turning, trying to decide what I should do.

I found the door and ran, the child that couldn't digest the information and the woman who could.

It was early. Daylight hadn't broken only the night was less. Less dark, less ominous, less scary a place to be as I roamed St. Johns Wood.

Replaying harsh accusing words over and over in the St. John's Wood Church Gardens around the corner from the house. The gravestones eerie in the half light of dawn, fingers trailing over the headstones, in a way peaceful that it was beyond quiet, petrifying in another, the damp morning air held close to me and a shiver ran my spine.

If I was here in the daytime I might have been blessed with butterflies landing close by or even on me like delicate lucky charms of beauty and fragility but I was here among the hedges, close to the small meadow, the woodland but steps away, I stayed adrift with gravestones.

They called into the morning together "Abigail, where are you?" Harmony to my ears, together again, united as they searched .... for me.

I stood perfectly still when I glimpsed them at the fork in the path, they pointed and shook heads and made to move apart, my voice catching and small . It was no use to hide, I would have to go home anyway and they were here... together..."Here, I'm..... here"

Turning as one, hurrying over, I was terrified and happy all at once, that it wasn't away from me and it wasn't them apart.

I never wanted them apart.

"Abigail, you scared the crap out of us" John looked around and shivered the tombstones all leaning half over, moss covered and still, so still.

I walked away, made to go home to Paul's and both gave me a hug, they pulled apart, I was gazed upon worriedly then they hugged me again.

My head hung low and I pulled away hugging myself then, John caught up, then backed off and I looked over my shoulder sadly as he walked ten steps behind.

"Say something" John tugged my arm gently and tried to capture my fingers as I held my arms tight to myself. "Anything. Hit me"

I wasn't stopping and not knowing what to say, I was mute. Then I did, as a sliver of sun shone through from behind the trees. "I'll head back to Jim's I think" I ducked my head, continuing the path as they hurried behind pushing and whispering to each other to speak.

I wiped tears away as I kept moving, this isn't my fault or is it?

Have I been flirtatious as I roam the house, wearing too little, smiling too much. I pondered but I really wasn't the sort to do those type of things so brazen and teasing.

It was much too early for gate-birds thank goodness, I don't know if I could have coped with moving through them as they screeched at John and Paul, the gate was still open from the mornings activities and I didn't wait for them, just made the door, the stairs, my room.

Packing the essentials, I was left alone, oh I heard them at the bottom of the stairs each prodding the other to come up and speak but no one came, so I continued until I was done, snapping the button latches on the suitcase and checked the room for forgotten items.

The time stood me well. I thought as I folded, I wondered as I packed.

"Right, I'm all packed" I set the case by the door and moved to the living room, crossing my arms as I stood in the doorway "Shall I ask Mal to take me or call for a cab?"

"You shouldn't have to go" Paul sat on the stool opposite, tossing John a look as he lifted his eyes as John stayed lounged on the chair, back to me. "Should she John"

"Well I think you two need some time to come to terms with me living here" Clasping my hands in front of me I ducked my head, staring down... waiting. Waiting for them to decide to grow up, waiting for me to be scolded, waiting for my head to clear of worries for them.

John jumped up and rubbed my arms making me glance up, I mustn't gaze at him too long otherwise I will just sob, I already feel my eyes watering.

"Abbs it was drunk talk that's all. Don't be rash" How tender John spoke. I dared myself to look, steeling myself.

"Drunk men tell no lies"

"Abby" Paul began to speak but then shrugged trying to find words "Don't go Abbs. I'll move out"

"Don't be daft, Paul" John watched me as he spoke. "She's right, I have the problem. Bloody jealous guy I am. Abbs I'm just jealous, I guess that I'm not with you twenty-four seven like Paulie 'ere"

"Well that's plain stupid talk John because it's not like Paul is either, you lot are like a four-headed beast, there's not that much time we have alone, just we two"

I walked into the room, toward the brick fireplace running a finger along the shelf above, huffing at more dust raised by the sooty fire, Paul chuckled. I swung round giving him a stern look "You'll have to clean that from now on!"

"No, I won't" Paul stood alongside John in the doorway "because you're not going anywhere Miss Abigail"

"What is it a prison now, I don't see any bars" I swooped my hand around the uncaged room. Then lowered my gaze to my black peep toe shoes "Do I flirt too much John, is that it. Do I flirt with Paul? I truly don't mean to"

"Course not Abbs. It's all me" I looked at the pair of them, Paul chewing worriedly chewing his lip. John took a step but I held a hand out to stop him, space was needed for my brain to function.

"I do love you both so much it hurts, you know. My heart bleeds most every day- when I see you both so tired you fall asleep at the kitchen table or you, John, when you lay on the bed as I brush my hair, your eyes so dark and worn. I worry that you will crash your cars because of it, that's why I love Mal coming to collect you both" I walked over slowly and they stood apart when I reached the door, I stopped "I love you both... I'm calling a cab"

I walked to the telephone by the front door and grasped the receiver so hard, my fingers shook as I dialed the number that sat beside the phone book.

My voice echoed down the line all tinny and hollow.

I was running away.

But I didn't know what else to do.

Running away from the world of Lennon-McCartney.