Pauls Home

Brian dropped me off at St. Johns Wood a bit after 1.a.m.

Jane would be on the flight back to the USA by now and Paul would be home in around an hour, Mal Evans, the 'right hand man-everything will be right' mountain of a man was with him, but I was still worried how he had handled the departure.

He puzzled me sometimes and now from coming off the whole Cyn/John saga I could see he probably was doing the same thing as John, playing around with more than one girl at a time, albeit more discreetly, for I had never encounter a bird in his cage but he would often be out late or never come back some nights at all.

I was snuggled on the lounge with a scotch and coke, having discarded my attempts to sleep til I saw him home safe and sound.

When I finally heard his key in the lock, I checked the clock 3a.m., skulled the scotch, grimaced at the hit of the drink and hid the glass quickly.

"You're awake" Paul shrugged his tuxedo jacket off, tossed it on the telly and fell next to me on the couch with a thud. "Thought you would be tucked up in bed for sure" He grumbled quietly.

I rubbed his arm and leaned on his shoulder. "She got away ok then"

"OH yeaaaa, she flew away alllright" Paul was more than slightly inebriated, I hadn't noticed before but the slur was there hovering in his voice. "I need another drink"

"Do you think that's a good idea" I spoke up and immediately regretted saying the words. I wasn't his parent. Paul glared then stood and fumbled about looking for a glass by the liquor cabinet, there wasn't one there though, as they were still sitting in a half full sink. I found my not very well hidden glass and pro-offered it to him "Here"

The eyebrow shot up in surprise and he had the gall to smell the glass, grinning at me "I'll share the one I make.... Deal?"

"Yea but not too-" The scotch was in, a dash of coke added before I could say 'not too strong' he turned and frowned grouchily, tossed the almost straight scotch back, skulling it quickly and repeated his movements making us a new drink.

And another.

Another.

After a while I was beyond relaxed and warm, Paul was hovering between sad and happy, mad and joking.

I tried to push him off to bed but he was stubborn, wanting 'just another' and 'join me Abbs' tugging heartstrings with 'don't leave me all alone'.

I was drunk I could feel my head tipping over the edge, my mind muffled and sleepy slow with too much scotch in my system. I tried to rise from the couch yet again but was forced back down, Paul's arms surrounding me as I landed on his lap.

Then he started.

"I'm a loser Abigail, I can't keep anyone happy" he spoke softly and I realised that there was a single tear hovering just under his eyelashes. Wiping it away, I smiled gently as his eyes met mine.

"You're not Paul, you just love a girl who is on her own plane to stardom" I kissed his forehead, a sloppy kiss, and hugged him close nestling my cheek on his.

I rocked him a little and we fell silent for the longest while.

"I told her that's it" Paul groaned out into my shoulder. "I told her I've had it. No more, we're finished" And he shook me as if he was trying to get me to realise his words, that I was her and needed to hear him.

"You don't mean that, you're tired" I felt him tense then shake his head dejectedly.

He tipped his head back and those eyes, those dark eyes, filled with sadness, held mine "No, I mean it all. I want someone that's there for me. Stupid I know but I want a home" I hugged him close again and held him tight.

"Come on Paul, up to bed with you" I dragged him to move and fell on the floor making him laugh for the first time in what seemed like forever and he dropped down on the floor with me "We are supposed to be standing up, not sitting on the floor silly" A finger dragged a curl over my ear and I dragged myself away.

"Abbs don't leave me, never ever. Stay forever" Paul sat as I stood, I reached a hand out to take his and tried tugging him to his feet again.

I had his tie off and his slightly shaky hands were dragging his shirt off over his head before I could stop him, he sat on the bed leaning heavily on my back as I untied his shoelaces, I gave up moving away to put them away in his closet, deciding instead, to throw them toward the corner of his room.

Removing his socks like he was a toddler, he suddenly stood, removed his trousers and thankfully decided that boxers were ok for bed. I pulled the soft sheets back and he was enclosed in their warm embrace, smiling up at me happily. "Goodnight Paul" I kissed his forehead once more.

"Mmmhmmm" the eyes held me. "Don't go, just lay down with me" the sheet was tossed back and the bed patted, my eyes watched his hand reach for me then pat the empty space beside him but I was lucid enough to step back.

I furrowed my forehead thinking quickly, maybe if I go to the loo and stuff he would fall asleep.

"I've gotta go to the loo and brush my hair, and do my teeth"

All the while I was in the loo...

'Abigail have you finished yet'

then a few seconds of silence..

'you're not brushing your hair a 1000 times like that girl on telly are you!?'

and then a minute later

'Abby!!'

was yelled.

I gave up he wasn't going to sleep.

"Yes Paul?" I walked to the doorway, I had a long night shirt on, down to my knees, I was still clutching for straws of hope, hoping he would fall asleep, hoping he had forgotten his train of thought.

No such luck.

"Abby come here" Paul smacked the bed really hard repeatedly and I laughed at his overly stubborn persona "Now. Bed, right here"

As I snuggled down and lay on my back looking at the ceiling, biting my lip heavily, nerves and doubts swirling in my stomach and mind. I couldn't sleep like that, I would drown if I was sick in the night. I shifted my weight, turning on my side and snuggled down again, then it happened.

"Awww Abby, you're really warm I want a hug" His voice so near to my ear as he spooned me, our bodies tightly modelled together.

I didn't know if I fell asleep in three minutes or three hours but all that time...he was there, holding me tightly, my name spoken in whispers. It was like he was singing, just to me 'Abby, Abigail, Abbs' over and over and finally.... I felt him move my hair slightly, kissing my neck.

My heart simultaneously singing and weeping at his touch.

As his breathing steadied I settled into his arms, his fingers brushing and holding- no locking, over my tummy. I was captive in his arms; no way was I departing.

Physical me was fenced in.

I then cursed my mind, it most definitely wasn't fenced in, it did not want to sleep.

Oh no, it would not stop at all.. I was tangled up with mental pictures of his lips on my neck. Certainly not sisterly thoughts, I slapped my arm and he moaned shifting his weight, the chances of my escape was less than zero now as a leg was over mine.

I was in heaven and hell and he was oblivious to all, my nerves strung so tightly.

I gently put my hands over his and a wave of incestual want followed and I told myself to stop being an idiot. Sister or not....

If I didn't know better I would think someone up there was mocking me.

The final act to speed my beating heart even more, came swiftly, the fingers under-mine, twisting and taking my hands, intertwining them tightly.

Like a light that would become an eternal flame that would not extinguish, I was totally and utterly lost.

In the moonlight I looked down at his hands woven with mine and cursed my head once more.

I was infatuated and had sweet feelings for this man.

A man that should be only a brother to me.

I shouldn't worry so much.. I will leave his room before he woke, he wouldn't even remember I was here in the morning.

I would be nothing but a teddy bear in his bed, if he ever knew; if he ever remembered....