"How much did you hear, nosy" I tugged at my sleeve then decided I needed space so slipping hands in my back pockets, thumb poking out. 

I walked away then turn toward him when I got near the window, my dresser loaded with my books making the room that little bit shorter than I would have liked. I wasn't going to stand arms crossed like some mother superior.

"I heard something 'bout the movie premiere" John said tugging at his collar uncomfortably. "I was actually here to speak to you about it" he smiled but it was sad and knowing, I drowned in those pale brown eyes of his.

"I'm sure you and Cyn will have a wonderful time" All it took was three strides and he was right in front of me, I stepped back but was met with resistance, the set of drawers were being unreasonable and didn't move. 

His fingers came forward to lay on my cheek and I recoiled at his touch, I couldn't have him touch or hold or....

'All I Have To Do Is Dream' floated from the radio downstairs as Paul fiddled with the volume and I shut my eyes tight, I would not cry.

I turned to the window, a mistake I know now for he had a hand on my shoulder seconds later, turning me to him and burying his head in my neck like a child hugging his mother tight.

'I'm sorry' floated to my ears and another tear descended from my eye running straight then careening toward my chin.

He was up and making me look at him then, his fingers tugging and holding my chin, holding my eyes to his "I am sorry. I'm an arsehole"

"Yes. Yes, you are"

"I really like you, Abby, just Cyn has been, ..."

"I can't just drop her" I laughed a nasty sounding laugh I made, that could be called unhinged, filling in the words he was about to say.

"Well this, us. Should have been just fun shouldn't it you should have said and I would have known. I should have been more aware but I have already given my heart. This stupid, childish romantic me is an idiot of epic proportions"

I shoved him backwards and took a look at the boy in front of me. I let him steal my heart far too easily, this was my fault.

"Well I'll be very pleased to meet her sometime, perhaps she lives local" I was trying to be sincere.

I was never a callous girl, always want the best for people, that's why when I found out Ramone and Bill were actually John and Paul, I was forgiving to Jim, and them, quickly.

I should stop that I suppose.

"You can leave now John" I said and he moved across to the room, he was so quiet, not John at all. I quite liked that I had been able to take his tongue.

As he went to grab the door handle I just had to ask, find out if there was anything there for me. "John" I spoke softly but he was stock still in a flash "Was I anything to you?"

Once again, I found my tears were pooling and as soon as I raised my head, he was there and had me in his arms, finding my cheek with his fingers splayed across it and my neck, I searched his eyes for an answer "You're special and wonderful. I adore you but I'll probably hurt you always, as I have already"

I kissed him selfishly at first and he took over my lips hard and firm pressing me to him, I want it all but I want nothing.

Should I have given him myself? Would that have kept him mine?

As I ran my fingers through his hair I knew I had to let go. Put the poster boy back on my wall, forever a dream.

Turning around as he went to shut the door "Can I request something. One thing special Abbs?"

I nodded and watched him struggle with whether to ask or stay silent.

"Spill it Lennon" I knew the dream would be over but real life was here, I still needed to live.

"Promise – Friends always..."

"Course John but only if you give me space, for a while at least" I would live and he was gone, the front door closing with a bang.

I went to take tea with Paul, it must be cold by now.