I didn't sleep that night. My thoughts had remained completely uninterrupted and had driven me crazy. Drew's words had replayed nonstop in my head, and I couldn't forget the way her voice had shook towards the end of our conversation. I was still trying to comprehend what exactly had happened. I was still analyzing every word, trying to recognize every detail of the situation because I figured if I dissected it enough it would eventually make sense.

It didn't, and now I was on my fifth cup of coffee while I made my way to the dance studio for my shift.

I hadn't talked to anyone about anything concerning last night, not Maria and most definitely not Jada. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have no choice, but just thinking about Drew would cause a tightening in my chest.

It was almost like I was in shock, like I couldn't believe we were over. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I wouldn't hear from her or that she had officially ended us. The reality of the situation hadn't set in, and I feared when it did. I just prayed it wouldn't be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

But right now I had to try my best to keep my shit together for the next few hours.

Walking in I noticed the absence of Maria, so I savored the few moments to myself while I escaped to the bathroom.

I glanced in the mirror momentarily, seeing the bags that had formed from last night. My eyes were red and my skin dull. I honestly looked horrible, which mirrored exactly how I felt but I had to push through. If anything this shift was it was a distraction that I desperately needed, so I would take advantage of it.

It was tonight I was worried about.

The next few minutes were a blur as the girls started showing up and stretching. Maria was late, which was a bit of a surprise, but as soon as she saw me she asked.

"What the hell's up with you?"

I looked down and suddenly it became hard to swallow, "We can't talk about it right now."

It was like she instantly understood, because when I brought my eyes up to hers she had an expression of shock and regret on her face. She wanted to ask, I could tell, and it was taking her everything she had not to. I took a deep breath at the understanding my best friend seemed to have for me.

"Shit" she muttered, "Okay, tonight."

And that was that, at least for the next few hours as I desperately distracted myself with the young dancers. Everything was sad. The inside of my chest was grey like the sky before a rainstorm. There was no escaping it. I could distract my brain but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't ignore the pain in my heart.

It was a real struggle, like my body was in physical pain yet my eyes hadn't broken into tears. I figured it was only a matter of time, and it wasn't until the teens were leaving when Maria confronted me.

She sighed, "Do you want me to come over?"

I nodded, "That'd be great. I don't wanna be alone."

Her hand slipped into mine then, giving me a comforting squeeze as we waited patiently. I honestly wasn't looking forward to talking about it because that meant admitting it was real. The break up would become reality as soon as it left my mouth, and I wasn't sure if I was mentally prepared for it.

The trip to my house was quiet. All I focused on were the city lights that weren't as bright as usual. The streets were busy and eclectic but I couldn't enjoy the sight. It hurt. Everything hurt and it wasn't fair.

By the time we made it home everything was a blur, the ability to focus absent. I felt as if I had just woken up, my head was fuzzy and time itself seemed to be nonexistent. The feeling of Maria's hand in mine was the only thing keeping me anchored to reality.

Luckily Jada was asleep already so escaping to my room was easy. As soon as the door closed behind Maria my eyes burned, tears spilling instantaneously. I hadn't even had time to take of my shoes before she was holding me and telling me things would be okay.

But I felt as if nothing would be okay, at least not any time soon because Drew had taken a big part of me. I still didn't understand much of what had happened between us, maybe I never would, but thinking about it right now brought me too much pain.

That night had been horrible. Not only because I cried more than I had in three years, but also because I had admitted aloud to Maria and myself that Drew and I were in fact over. Saying it was physically painful, like the tremble in my voice had twisted the knife sticking out of my chest. I wasn't sure if I had hit my rock-bottom but I knew the reality had set in that night.

Maria just stared at me, wide-eyed and weighed down with grief. I was grateful I had her in my life, but this reminded me so much of whenever Ashley and I had broken up.

I wouldn't have imagined this pain six months prior when I had begged Drew to just give us a chance and stop running away from her feelings. Should I have let her push me away? I didn't believe so. I wanted to regret letting her in just to make handling the pain easier, but I couldn't. This had been my choice, we had decided to try and we had failed. But had we really? Did I really want to label this as a failure whenever I felt like we had done everything right?

Did Drew feel like she was a failure for letting me down? Did she regret letting me in?

The fact that I couldn't answer those questions drove me mad, mostly because I wanted to ask Drew herself but felt the need to stay away. Twenty-four hours wasn't enough time for her to miss me... Or was it? I missed her every second I was away, but maybe it wasn't the same for her.

So I waited. I waited the rest of the weekend, and then I waited all the next week to hear from her. The days passed slow, exhaustion and pain overtaking my entire body. Within seven days I could count the hours of sleep I had gotten on two hands. My appetite had dwindled, making the exhaustion even worse but I wasn't hungry. Maria claimed the first week was always the hardest and that it would eventually grow easier.

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't broken up with me the week before my birthday.

I had asked Maria about Drew through Demarcus, who claimed he couldn't get much out of her besides when she would disappear into the boxing room. He was worried about her too, saying that every time he even mentioned me she would shut down and walk away.

The only thing she had given him was earlier this week whenever he had begged her to call me. All she responded was, "I can't ."

I could faintly hear the words in her voice, something I was actually starting to forget. The weeks before the breakup she had barely spoken to me, and now the complete absence was erasing her memory right out of my head.

How had she answered him? With her head hung low, her voice trembling at the thought of me? Had she sounded sad? Angry? Both? Did her heart quiver at the sound of my name like it did when I heard hers? Did she even fucking care?

I rolled my eyes to prevent tears, which was the last thing I needed at the moment. I didn't want to ruin the mask I had put on for tonight.

Maria and Jeremy had insisted on bringing me out even though it was kind of the last thing I wanted. My best friend refused, knowing I had barely left my house all week except for work. Soon enough I wouldn't even have that to escape to anymore. But going out was the last thing on my mind, except tonight was special compared to the others.

It was my birthday, and that gave them every right to take me out and try to make me have a good time.

Maybe I needed to get out and just let loose. Maybe this would be good. Have a few drinks, dance until my feet hurt and attempt to erase Drew from my mind because I obviously wasn't barring down on hers. Maybe I would have fun, all I needed to do was give it a chance.

"Ready?" Maria glanced at me, "Jeremy and Amelia are outside."

I nodded stiffly, wondering how tonight would inevitably turn out. I was kind of nervous, but there was no need to be. I wouldn't run into Drew out there. Even if I really wanted to.

Maria placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, "We're gonna have fun. I promise."

I just gave her a weak smile as we made our way outside to the cab.

Meeting up with Jeremy and Amelia had actually been delightful because I hadn't seen them in awhile. The electric mood they both brought to the table had an affect on me. Even though I felt bad internally they made sure to spread their good vibes around for tonight. 

Making it to an overly packed club I realized I definitely didn't want to be here, but most likely needed it. I hadn't gotten drunk since October, so what did I really have to lose?

Jeremy got us in without a problem, surpassing the bouncer and the crowd of people at the bar. He grabbed me a shot off of a tray and handed it to me.

"Take it," his mischievous eyes bored into mine, the flashing lights momentarily lighting up his features.

I grabbed the glass not wanting to disappoint and threw it back, the burn sliding down my throat. I closed my eyes, the squeamish feeling of alcohol lighting up my stomach. This would most likely be one of many for tonight, but alcohol always helped with pain.

It didn't take long for Maria to pull us onto the dance floor, my head already beginning to feel fuzzy. It wasn't from the alcohol but most likely exhaustion, although the alcohol would hit soon enough. The anticipation of feeling the unfamiliar pull was there, along with a desperation to feel out of control.

I let the bass of the song bump through my body, vibrating my entire being as I closed my eyes. The energy of the crowd flowed through me like an electric current. Finally I felt something other than sadness, even if it was for tonight and tonight only. I would worry about tomorrow... well, tomorrow.

Tonight was my night to finally feel something other than emptiness.

Soon there was another shot in my hand, me not hesitating to throw it back. It didn't burn as much this time, and for some reason it actually tasted alright. I tried to remember if I had eaten enough today and realized I hadn't. I should probably slow down considering but who was I to turn down free drinks?

My inhibitions were low, my memory fuzzy with thoughts that resembled me and Drew but I couldn't tell. I didn't care. I didn't want to care. Why should I? She apparently didn't, not even after everything we had been through. She had pushed me away instead of fighting for me, just like Ashley.

My head pounded with bass, Maria's body moving against me as the other bodies began to merge together. There were two Jeremy's in front of me, one of his hands reaching out. I grabbed it, him spinning me slightly as Amelia yelled something over the noise. I didn't hear it, but I didn't seem to care. All I could focus on was the music, and how my moves were finally happy. Even if it was artificial.

It felt like hours had passed before I had to disappear to the bathroom, leaving my friends on the dance floor.

Stumbling inside I threw myself into an open stall, a mirror hanging on the door giving me sight of my reflection. I was blurry, my skin puffy as my exhausted eyes stared back at me. What was I doing? Was I really this drunk because I could no longer stand the pain of reality? How had I gotten this out of control tonight? I couldn't even feel my face.

I wondered what Drew was doing. Probably sleeping since it was 1:30 in the morning. I leaned against the wall of the bathroom, checking my phone and hoping to see something from her.

Nothing. Like usual.

I rolled my eyes, throwing my head back as I tried to make the room stop spinning. I didn't want to be here anymore, I just wanted to be with Drew. She was all I could think about and I hated it.

But even when I tried to stop myself I couldn't help but dial her up, praying she didn't answer to leave me to return to my friends.

But her tired voice came through, "Bree?"

I was stunned, completely caught off guard, and being drunk didn't help, but I loved the sound coming through the phone. The last thing I wanted was her to hang up.

I answered, "Hey.... I don't even k-know why... I called you... honestly..."

I knew I sounded so stupid, I knew she could tell I was drunk. I just didn't seem to care at all because the sound of her voice made everything dark light up again.

"Where are you? Are you drunk?"

I couldn't help but laugh for some reason, my voice even annoying me now. "Maybee... I'm at some club... I think it's called Lux..."

Talking was hard but I knew if I wanted to continue hearing her voice I would need to keep going. It was just so hard whenever my head was spinning out of control.

"Do you want me to come and get you?"

I didn't seem to understand what she was talking about because what she had said didn't make sense. She hadn't reached out to me in forever and now she was offering to bring me home? Why had I even called her? I decided to let her go since I was obviously to far gone to reach her in the way I wanted.

"N-No...  Fuck you..." I hissed, closing the call and shoving my phone into my back pocket. She had some nerve. Wanting to be mom whenever she couldn't even fucking give me a good enough explanation for leaving.

I stumbled back out of the bathroom in a desperate attempt to find my friends in the sea of bodies. I couldn't tell Maria I had called Drew. I wasn't even sure myself if that had really happened. It all just felt like a distant dream.

Finally I felt hands on me, my eyes fixing on Jeremy as he pulled me into my circle of friends. He hollered something over the music and Maria gave me another shot, but I took it willingly.

Who was I hurting, really?

Maria leaned over, yelling, "Where'd you go!?"

I answered hesitantly, "The bathroom!"

I turned away from her then, dancing through the crowd to avoid her from seeing the guilt. I felt like I was walking on an uneven platform, and my body still felt fuzzy. I decided that I had enough to drink, and if I didn't want to get sick I definitely needed to stop.

Besides, I had already made a fool out of myself for calling Drew up.

Suddenly there was another body next to me, the presence clear when a delicate hand ran along my shoulder. I turned to see a pretty girl, maybe a little older than me throwing me a glance I recognized as flirty. She yelled something over the music but I couldn't hear it, but it didn't matter.

I just nodded, the music eventually pulling us together. Her skin was soft and she smelt good, not like alcohol and cigarettes. Her dark-chocolate hair swayed past me, her body mesmerizing my drunk eyes. I knew I wouldn't be doing this if I was sober, but that was the point of getting drunk, right? Low inhibitions make for a good time.

She brought her face close to mine, those red lips inches from my own. I had a strong urge to just lean in and kiss them, but that could very well be my loneliness speaking.

She spoke, this time loud enough for me to hear, "You're beautiful!"

I felt my face flush, but I didn't feel like talking. I just wanted to feel, and this girl was giving me the perfect opportunity. Lips. Her lips were the only thing I could focus on without getting dizzy. I hoped she could read my eyes, because if I didn't lean in and kiss her soon I was going to explode.

But soon they were growing closer to mine, my eyes instinctively closing to savor the sensation.

But the lips never touched mine, and then there was another hand on me, this one a little too familiar. I hadn't even opened my eyes when I felt the bumps rise on my skin, a quick shiver running down my spine.

I heard her voice right before we locked eyes, "Bree, c'mon lets go..."

I wanted to believe she was here, I really did, but there was no way in hell Drew was actually in Lux trying to make me leave. She didn't care that much. I mean she hadn't contacted me for over a week and now she was here in front of me? It didn't make sense.

But I couldn't look at anything but her, and that annoyed me.

I shook my head, "W-What are you... doing here?"

She moved closer, her arm wrapping around my waist as she pulled me towards the door. The fireworks erupted inside of me at her touch, the touch I had craved for what felt like ages. I was confused, but when I watched her and Maria exchange heated glances I tried hard to read their lips. I failed, and soon Drew was guiding me out onto the street.

I wanted to protest but I was too afraid to open my mouth in case I got sick. I didn't want to embarrass myself further, but the heaviness in my heart was back when when Drew sat next to me in a cab.

She didn't speak, neither did I, and nothing about this situation was fair. Nothing made sense, and being drunk with Drew hadn't been part of the plan. I should've been sober when she showed up. Then again she most likely wouldn't be here with me if I hadn't been drunk. I leaned my head against the window in a sad attempt to calm my heart rate.

The ride was a blur, and it honestly didn't help my stomach feel any better either. It actually felt worse, but I was mentally focusing on not throwing up.

Soon I was guided to my front door, my trembling hands trying so hard to open the door without being too loud. Jada was a hard sleeper though.

Drew's delicate hand helped mine twist the key to open the door, her whispering, "C'mon I'll help you to bed."

I yanked away from her then, "I don't want your... help."

Those sad ocean eyes watched me, drowning my own with her endless gaze. The bile quickly rises up my throat, my feet quickly carrying me away from the front door and to my bathroom.

I stumbled pathetically to the toilet, the cramping in my abdomen bringing me to my knees over my toilet. I heaved, a weird colored liquid spilling out of my mouth.

Hands brushed my neck, pulling my hair out of my face as another rested on my back. I felt like crying and screaming at the same time. This wasn't supposed to be how my birthday ended. I was supposed to spend it with my friends, with Drew. To go eat out and have drinks and celebrate. Not doubled over a toilet with my recent ex desperately trying to keep me anchored to reality.

I heaved again, more fluids spilling as my eyes burned. The tears formed from the embarrassment and pain in my heart, and soon they were streaming down my face in a silent race down my cheeks.

I pulled back from the toilet and flushed it, standing to rinse my mouth out with wash. Drew had disappeared for what I thought the night, but she was soon next to me with a bottle of water.

I decided if she kept getting close to me I would eventually push her back, afraid of letting her torture me any further. My heart couldn't handle this, not now whenever I wasn't myself.

She demanded, "Drink this."

I rolled my eyes and snatched the water from her, the sudden boost of soberness provoking more anger than pain.

I hissed, "You can leave."

She shook her head, "Not until you drink that entire bottle."

I felt my jaw flex from the attempt to restrain myself. I pushed past her and into my room, knowing I couldn't chug this thing or I would throw up again.

She stayed at the door of my bedroom, watching me as I sipped slowly on the water bottle. I was hot, like really hot, so I began stripping off my clothes at the halfway point of my water bottle.

I could feel Drew's eyes on me, which I of course enjoyed, but she wouldn't do anything. She didn't want me. She was here strictly because she still felt that stupid need to protect me. I was fine. It was her fault I was like this anyway, but I had a feeling she knew that too. Maybe that's why she showed up, because she felt guilty.

I was in nothing but panties and a loose shirt, sitting cross-legged in my bed as I struggled to finish this water. I wanted her to leave but I wanted her to stay at the same time. I was torn, because I was still drunk but aware of time now. My brain wasn't clouded as much, and my heart was of course hurting and begging for the girl watching me from the door.

I finished the water and demanded, "Leave, Drew. I don't need a fucking babysitter."

I watched my words cut her, a guilty expression laced with sadness crossing her features. The worst part about this night was that she hadn't even told me happy birthday.

I got up then, demanding further, "Get. Out."

I actually stumbled over my own feet, the room still spinning a little bit. She didn't move, my heart slamming against my chest as she shook her head.

"Get back in bed, I'll lock the door behind me," she answered.

I could hear the pain in her voice, which still managed to hurt me. It didn't make sense, none of it, but I felt compelled to listen to her demands.

I decided not to fight because I was exhausted and sick and just ready to make this world disappear. She helped me back into bed and pulled the comforter over me. She still cared. She had too.

She wouldn't be here if she didn't.

I whispered, "Stay..."

The look of sadness intensified, her shaking her head, "I can't Bree... I'm sorry..."

I wanted to cry, I wanted to beg but nothing came out. I was so tired. I was so weak and exhausted that arguing and fighting with her became impossible no matter how bad I wanted.

I felt my eyes closing as I whispered one more time, "Please...."

It was my last desperate attempt, it was all I had. The room would spin when I would close my eyes but I didn't want to stop looking at Drew. She looked different. I bet I did too. We weren't the same without each other.

She knelt down then, her eyes level with mine suddenly. I tried my best to focus, wishing she would just leave since she didn't want to stay. She was just making me feel worse.

She leaned, kissing my forehead as I finally closed my eyes. My heart burned, my throat tight with words I wanted to say but couldn't. There was no use fighting her. She had given up, not only on me but herself too. I couldn't help someone that didn't want to be helped. I had lost her somewhere, and it was too late to get her back.

She whispered, "Happy birthday, baby..."

The sad tremble in her voice echoed in my ears, along with the front door closing. The tears wanted to come but couldn't, I had nothing left in me. I was dehydrated, exhausted, and completely broken.

Why wouldn't she talk to me? Why couldn't she just stay with me for one night? I mean it was my fucking birthday...

Sleep finally fell over me like a blanket, stripping away the reality I longed to escape every single day. She was gone and I needed to accept that and try to move on.

There was nothing I could do for Drew anymore except let her go, because I had to take care my myself too.