❝𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘦, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦❞

ꨄ

𝗝𝗨𝗡𝗘 𝟮𝟬𝗧𝗛 , 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟰
𝗟𝗢𝗦 𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗘𝗟𝗘𝗦 , 𝗖𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗢𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗔
𝟭𝟮:𝟬𝟯 𝗣𝗠

The day of Kiana's funeral was heavy with overcast skies, the grayness mirroring the grief that hung over the small crowd gathered in the chapel. Rows of folding chairs lined the room, filled with tear streaked faces and restless hands gripping tissues. A large photo of Kiana stood on an easel at the front, a vibrant image of her in her element—smiling brightly, guitar in hand, mid-laugh as though frozen in a moment of joy. Her casket, simple and white, sat just beneath it, adorned with lilies and daisies.

Marcus sat in the front, his shoulders stiff as he avoided making eye contact with anyone. He wore a black suit that hung awkwardly on his body, as though it didn't belong to him. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, his head bowed as he stared at the floor. His parents, Sandra and J.R., sat in the first row as well. Sandra clutched a handkerchief, dabbing at her eyes every few seconds, while J.R. sat stoically, his expression unreadable but his trembling hands giving him away.

Jo sat beside Marcus, her eyes rimmed red as they stared at the casket. She looked like she wanted to say something, but the words remained stuck in her throat. A few of Kiana's old high school friends lingered near the back, exchanging hushed murmurs, their faces pale.

"I can't believe this shit," Daniel said, his voice trembling as he fought back tears. "This feels so weird."

Olivia kept her eyes fixed on the casket, her lips curling into a dry, humorless chuckle. "Did you know we secretly dated in high school?"

"Shit, really?" Steve asked, his eyebrows shooting up.

Olivia nodded, her expression unreadable. "We broke up our junior year of college. We just kind of grew apart I guess. I don't know. Her and Jo started hanging out with some college friends a lot more, and we barely saw each other anymore."

"That's rough," Ava said softly.

"It's okay," Olivia replied, her voice carrying an edge of bittersweet acceptance. "I didn't want to keep her from making music with friends. Maybe if I did, then all these people wouldn't be here. There's so many celebrities."

And she wasn't exaggerating. Scattered throughout the chapel were well known faces: Jack Antonoff and Margaret Qualley, Phoebe Bridgers and Zach Clinton, Lucy Dacus and Tatum Swift, Hayden—better known as Ethel Cain—, Tate McRae, the 1975, and Taylor Swift, were all there to pay their respects. The room hummed with an undercurrent of recognition, but no one said a word. They were all just people mourning someone they had loved.

Julien stood by the side of the chapel, her arms crossed over her chest as she glanced at the crowd. She looked out of place in her black suit, her posture tense, her jaw tight. This wasn't where she wanted to be, but there was no way she wouldn't be here. Kiana had once been her everything.

The officiant stepped up to the podium and cleared his throat. "Thank you all for coming to honor the life of Kiana Stevens. Today, we gather not just to mourn her loss but to celebrate the joy she brought into our lives." He spoke briefly about Kiana's music, her passion, and her ability to light up a room before nodding toward Julien. "Julien has asked to say a few words."

Julien exhaled shakily as she approached the podium, gripping the edges to steady herself. She scanned the room, her gaze briefly landing on Marcus, then Jo, and finally Sandra and J.R. The lump in her throat was nearly unbearable, but she forced herself to speak.

"Kiana," she began, her voice cracking on the first syllable, "was complicated. But that's part of what made her so incredible. She was bold, fierce, and unapologetically herself. She could make you laugh until your sides hurt, or frustrate you to no end. But more than anything, she loved deeply, her family, her friends, her music."

Julien paused, her grip tightening on the podium. "Kiana and I—we had a lot of ups and downs. She wasn't perfect, and neither was I. But even when we weren't speaking, even when things between us were messy, some part of me still loved her."

Her voice broke, and she looked up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly to hold back tears. "I wish she could see how many people are here today, how many lives she touched. She deserved to know that she wasn't alone, even if it felt like it sometimes. I—I hope she's at peace now."

Julien stepped back from the podium, her legs shaky as she returned to her seat. Marcus reached out and grabbed her hand briefly as she sat down, a silent gesture of solidarity.

The officiant returned to the podium to close out the service. As the crowd began to disperse toward the cemetery for the burial, Marcus stayed behind for a moment, lingering near the casket.

"I don't know what to do without you," he whispered. "I miss you, Kie. I'll always miss you."

Jo walked up behind him. "I wish I'd been a better friend."

"You were a great friend," he said, his voice low and unsteady.

He wiped his face before the two of them joined the others outside. As the casket was lowered into the ground, Julien stood back, watching from a distance, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She didn't cry again; she couldn't. But the ache in her chest was unbearable.

As people began to leave, Marcus stayed behind, unable to walk away. Julien eventually joined him. They stood in silence for a long moment before Marcus finally spoke.

"I wish she could've seen this," Marcus said, his voice heavy with emotion. "She was so loved, and yet in her final moments, she didn't think she was."

Julien sighed, her shoulders slumping under the weight of her grief. "A small part of me still loves her. I feel like that is somehow fucked up."

Marcus glanced at her, shaking his head firmly. "It isn't. You can't exactly stop loving someone in a second."

When Kiana was alive, she and Julien couldn't live with each other, all they seemed to do was argue. But now that she was gone, Julien realized she couldn't live without her either.

———

It had been seven and a half months since Kiana's death and eight and a half months since she submitted her album, Reckless, for the Grammys. Where Do We Go Now? had been nominated for Song of the Year, Reckless was up for Album of the Year, and her duet with The 1975, Be My Mistake, was nominated for Best Pop Duo/Group Performance. Winning a Grammy had been Kiana's dream since she was a little girl, but she hadn't lived long enough to see herself even become a nominee. She would have been ecstatic to hear the news, but the universe had other plans.

Julien had also been nominated for a Grammy that year, and she was told that if Kiana won anything, she'd have to accept the awards on her behalf. Jack and the Stevens family weren't attending the ceremony, leaving the responsibility to Julien. The idea of accepting an award for her dead ex-girlfriend felt strange. Kiana had caused her so much pain, yet Julien found herself incapable of truly despising her. Now, with Kiana gone, the weight of trying to hold onto that resentment felt pointless.

Julien didn't want to go alone, knowing she couldn't handle the night by herself, so she brought Phoebe and Lucy for moral support. The only category Julien was competing against Kiana was Song of the Year. Even in death, it felt like Kiana was still competing with her. It was infuriating and hilarious all at once. Deep down, though, Julien knew Kiana deserved to win.

The screens in the arena lit up, showcasing the nominees for Song of the Year: Taylor Swift, SZA, Gracie Abrams, Ariana Grande, Beyoncé, and Kiana.

"JB," Phoebe said, shaking Julien gently. "Song of the Year is up next. Get ready in case either of you win."

Julien wiped her sweaty hands on her black pants and sat up straighter, her heart pounding.

The presenter took the stage, holding the envelope. "And the Grammy goes to..." He opened it slowly, drawing out the suspense. "Where Do We Go Now?, Kiana Stevens!"

The arena erupted in applause, but Julien froze in her seat, stunned. Did she hear that right? Kiana just won? Was she really about to accept this award on her behalf?

She pushed the questions aside, stood, and made her way to the stage. Taking the Grammy from the presenter, she stepped up to the microphone, trying to steady her trembling hands.

"This is, uh, this is a bit strange," Julien began, her voice wavering slightly. Crying on stage in front of thousands of people was the last thing she wanted to do. "Kiana and I knew each other for years, and she would always go on and on about the Grammys. It was her dream to win a Grammy one day, and today she finally did it. I just wish she were here to accept it herself. I know Kiana would've lost her mind."

She let out a small laugh to keep herself grounded. "But I also know that she's probably up in Heaven right now, annoying everyone about the fact that she just won a Grammy. This would've meant so much to her, so on Kiana's behalf, I just want to thank everyone who made her dream possible."

The audience applauded as Julien left the stage with the Grammy in hand. Once she reached her table, she placed it down and walked quickly out of the arena. Cameras likely caught her abrupt exit, but Julien didn't care. She couldn't stand to be in there any longer.

"Julien!"

She ignored the voice calling after her and kept walking.

"Julien, come on!"

Lucy's voice grew closer, but Julien didn't stop.

"Just stop!"

Julien pushed through the double doors, stepping into the pouring rain. She tilted her head back, hands shoved into her pockets, as tears mixed with the rain on her face.

"Go away," Julien said softly. "I just want to be alone right now."

"I'm not doing that," Lucy replied, stepping closer. "I need to make sure you won't do anything stupid."

Julien turned to face her, her expression a mix of exhaustion and heartbreak. "I miss her. I really, really miss her. Kiana fucked up my life, but I would let her ruin it all over again if it meant she was still alive."

"I know," Lucy said with a nod. "I know. I miss her too."

"At least you still have Tatum," Julien muttered.

"But I almost didn't," Lucy said, her voice softening as she thought of the near loss. "When Tatum... y'know, I completely shut down. You and Phoebe almost canceled the tour because of it."

"But you got her back."

"Just—please come back inside," Lucy said, her tone pleading. "You're gonna get sick if you stay out here."

Julien hesitated, then gave in, following Lucy back into the arena. A few people glanced their way as they reentered, but most eyes were on the stage. Julien was grateful the cameras were fixed elsewhere.

"What'd we miss?" Lucy asked, shaking off the rain.

"Gracie just won Album of the Year," Phoebe replied, not turning to look at them, her focus on clapping and cheering for Gracie.

———

"So, um, what exactly should I do with it?" Marcus asked, holding his sister's Grammy with both hands, staring at it as if it might somehow provide the answer.

Julien shrugged. "Whatever you want, I guess. I just had to get it out of my hands. It felt like Kiana was somehow haunting me through that Grammy."

"I'll give it to my parents," Marcus decided, placing the Grammy gently on the table. "They've made a shelf for all of my sister's awards." He hesitated, then added, "I'm sorry that I couldn't make it. The traffic from San Francisco to Los Angeles was—"

"It's fine," Julien interrupted, shaking her head. "It was a really weird experience, but it's fine."

A comfortable silence settled between them.

"If you ever need anything, just call me," Julien said softly.

Marcus smiled. "Thanks. I will. Same thing goes for you."

Julien nodded. "Thanks."

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alex's corner!
I know most of the artists I mentioned weren't nominated for some of the categories I mentioned but I wrote this MONTHS ago and I got too lazy to change it. so in this fanfic Gracie won Album of the Year and Julien is a Grammy nominee