Nope. I'm so done with life. I just hate it, and I can't stop thinking how I could get even worse. The last and worst thing that could happen is that mum just kicks me out, and I would have to live on the streets. But that unlikely to happen, so I am at the deepest point of despair I can currently reach. For me, it feels so blend.

I live every day without real goal, left my original goals floating in the void while accepting the torture of doing something for living even if I don't like it. Well, this would be good, but I don't get any Jobs, only rejections. Am I too good and overly qualified? Or the literal opposite: Useless? Too stupid? Not worth it? Or maybe even too old?

I give my best but my self-worth, which I build up the last few years, is crumbling apart.

Sitting in fully darkness and every light and hope might be the rescue or turn out to be a monster that increases my torment.

I feel like nobody gets my problem or feeling! It's always: "It is what it is.... Just continue... But you can't change your situation."

Sure, I can't change the situation of not being chosen as the next employee of that company. Sure, I have to continue to send out applications.

But it's so tiring on a psychological level. I always had issues writing applications letters because it meant to present yourself in the best light possible. But I always hated the way I am, wasn't comfortable with my skills and was always convinced that I am not good enough for anything.

I kinda got control over these extreme thoughts, but they come back every time I have to apply.

"Will the recruiter like the format? Did I make myself worth the place?"

And it gets worse after getting rejected.

"What did I do wrong? Was I too bad? Didn't they like my appearance? Have I made a mistake? Have I said something wrong during the job interview? Were I too shy? Too loud? Was it because of that one question they asked me? It was, wasn't it? I said something that made me a red flag, right? It had to be my mistake!"

And the list may continue till the time ends.

Also, I realized that I'm not even useful for my family and that they wouldn't miss me if I would move out. I had a job and money, of course. Which I don't. Sadly.

Till end of the week, I have to pay my university bill for the next semester. But I know it will just drain me even more of my energy. I didn't even want to be there in the first place. Without Corona, I might have a job and everything would be great. But no. I have to go to uni till I find a job, but recruiter don't want me because I go to uni.

I don't know.

I'm stuck at not knowing.

I would love to change the situation. But was it even worth it?

I'm most likely getting bullied at the workplace because I am not good enough and don't know stuff.

I'm scared. I'm scared of people. I don't trust recruiters or anyone else. Their purpose is to make me suffer. And I don't want that. But after all... It's probably what I deserve.