I had been lost to you, sunlight, and flew like a moth to you.

— Sunlight, Hozier

━━━━━━ September 27, 2149

BELLAMY WAS QUICK TO change his shock to resolve. Moving from rudimentary weapons to assault rifles could change the tide of their survival. They had taken the leap from children trying to survive to people who would do whatever it takes to live.

⠀⠀⠀He hung a target on the far wall for them to practice with and walked back to the pair.

⠀⠀⠀"This changes everything. No more running from spears," Bellamy claimed. He stood in front of Casey, looking down at her, raising his brows in amusement. "Ready to be a badass, Sunshine?"

⠀⠀⠀"You're talking like I'm not already," Casey teased. The fine line between being angry over everything he'd done and accepting she'd have to live with everyone (including him and Clarke) for the rest of her life. What he had done to Lincoln was done, and while she didn't agree with the methods, she wasn't so sure a different Grounder wouldn't have done the same.

⠀⠀⠀"Look," Clarke called attention back to herself as she held a gun in her hand. "I'm not gonna fight you on bringing guns back to camp. I know we need them, but don't expect me to like it."

⠀⠀⠀"We're lucky the rifles were packed in grease. The fact that they survived means we're not sitting ducks anymore. You both need to learn how to do this," Bellamy explained, eating from one of his ration packs. Casey had already snuck three from his pack and eaten them on the journey here. "So, you wanna try."

⠀⠀⠀Clarke opened her mouth, looking ready to lecture again, so Casey interrupted her and said, "I'll do it."

⠀⠀⠀"Alright," Bellamy smiled.

⠀⠀⠀He moved her to stand in front of the red blanket with a giant X drawn across it in the grease on the floor. Casey held her gun with two hands, resting the end awkwardly between the side of her breast and bicep. She ducked her head to try to aim before Bellamy swooped in to fix her position.

⠀⠀⠀"Lift the gun a little higher," Bellamy said, reaching around her shoulders to adjust her fingers towards the trigger and moving her arms to relax. His hands lingered on her skin a little longer than she thought necessary before he pulled away like her skin burned. He cleared his throat, mumbling out, "Uh, watch and learn."

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy took the correct position beside Casey. He leaned his head down so he could aim the barrel of the gun where he wanted the shot to go. His fingers moved to the trigger and pulled back. Nothing happened. He uncoiled himself, looked over the gun, reloaded, and tried again.

⠀⠀⠀Nothing.

⠀⠀⠀"Nice shot," Casey teased with a small smile.

⠀⠀⠀"My bullets are duds," he claimed, nodding his chin at her gun. "Try yours."

⠀⠀⠀Casey mimicked Bellamy's position, and she pulled the trigger when he didn't correct her. The bullet flew out of the chamber with a stunning BANG! The sound made her ears ring. She jumped in excitement once the shock wore off and grinned at Bellamy.

⠀⠀⠀"Woo! I think I've gone deaf!" she exclaimed.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy chuckled, nodding his head to tell her she did good. Then, he held out his hand for the gun and handed it to Clarke.

⠀⠀⠀"Your turn," he said. However, the words were hard to hear as the ringing took its time to dull.

⠀⠀⠀Clarke followed in their footsteps, lining up the gun and taking aim. Another bullet shot across the room, ringing intensifying.

⠀⠀⠀"That was amazing. Ha!" Clarke exclaimed, looking down at the gun with a wide grin before turning back to them. "Am I horrible for feeling that?" she asked, seriously.

⠀⠀⠀"What?" Casey asked, pointing at her ears.

⠀⠀⠀"Try again," Bellamy encouraged.

⠀⠀⠀"No, we shouldn't waste the ammunition," Clarke said, walking back over to them.

⠀⠀⠀"You need practice," he said firmly. He glanced over at Casey, a soft smile lifting his lips, and laughed, "Casey might need a minute, though."

⠀⠀⠀"No, we need to talk about how we're gonna keep guns around the camp. Where are we gonna keep them, and who has access?" Clarke asked, folding her arms over her chest.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy found another gun for himself, avoiding Clarke's gaze, and repositioned himself in front of the target. He was able to fire a couple rounds before he paused, the silence deafening between them.

⠀⠀⠀"You left Miller in charge of the Grounder. You must trust him," Clarke said.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy nodded.

⠀⠀⠀"You should keep him close. The others listen to him," he explained with a shrug.

⠀⠀⠀"I should keep him close?" Clarke repeated the words like acid on her tongue. She asked Casey, "Do you hear him?" before immediately returning to Bellamy. "Bellamy, what's going on? You've been acting weird all day. Actually, you both have. Casey, you barely want to be in the same room as me, let alone Bellamy... and Bellamy, all the rations you took..." Realization dawned on her as she said softly, "You're gonna run. That's why you came with me. You were gonna load up on supplies and just disappear."

⠀⠀⠀Casey knew she was overselling herself. She kept her mouth shut, not wanting to dig herself in deeper.

⠀⠀⠀"I don't have a choice. The Ark will be here soon," Bellamy explained. Then, she frowned and said, "Casey's not coming with me if that's what you think."

⠀⠀⠀Clarke sent Casey a look as if she didn't believe him, but she didn't have the time to argue with them.

⠀⠀⠀"So, you're just gonna leave Octavia?" Clarke asked.

⠀⠀⠀"Octavia hates me. She'll be fine," Bellamy brushed her off.

⠀⠀⠀"You don't know—"

⠀⠀⠀"I shot the Chancellor. They're gonna kill me, Clarke. Best case scenario, they lock me up with the Grounder for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell I'm giving Jaha the satisfaction," Bellamy snapped, all in one breath, as he towered over Clarke. He let out a sharp breath and turned on his heel. "Keep practicing. I need some air."

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy was gone, leaving Casey alone with Clarke.

⠀⠀⠀"So, what's with you then?" Clarke asked, turning her accusing glare to her. Casey was getting deja vu when Clarke claimed she had helped Murphy kill Wells. "Are you leaving, too?"

⠀⠀⠀"I just wanted to spend the day with my two best friends, Clarke," Casey sneered, brushing off her pants and then brushing the hair out of her face. "I'm going after him," she said, jutting her thumb behind her.

⠀⠀⠀Clarke tried to protest, but Casey ignored whatever she had to say, following after Bellamy

⠀⠀⠀The further Casey walked through the bunker, the worse she felt. It started with her legs. Every step she took added ten pounds before she eventually had to drag them behind her. Her heartbeat increased as if she had jogged a mile before, and, despite the low light, the room around her swayed gently back and forth, creating the world around her.

⠀⠀⠀"Casey!" a familiar voice called behind her. She turned to find her best friend, her brother, John Murphy, waiting behind her.

⠀⠀⠀"John?" she asked. Her head was clouded in confusion as she squinted her eyes to make sure it wasn't just a trick of the light. "Did Shumway send you here to kill Bellamy?"

⠀⠀⠀"What are you talking about, Case?" John asked, a condescending smile on his lips as he walked down the steps towards her. "I'm here for you."

⠀⠀⠀"What?" Casey asked. Her stomach lurched, and her body took a step away from him to force the distance. "How'd you find me?"

⠀⠀⠀"Y'know, after you left me, abandoned me. I thought to myself, 'I understand, I was in the wrong,' but then after weeks of being on my own... Weeks of being hunted, of being hurt, I found myself realizing it was you who was wrong," he sneered, moving closer and closer until he stood on the step right above her. He craned his head down and glared sharp green daggers into her.

⠀⠀⠀"No, John," she protested, raising her hands. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but—but you wanted to murder a little girl," she explained between choked sobs.

⠀⠀⠀"A little girl that would've killed you next," John argued, shaking his head lightly. His freezing-cold fingers trailed against her cheek in an attempt to be comforting. "You heard her. 'What I would've done' as she looked at you."

⠀⠀⠀"No, stop it. You still did the wrong thing," Casey argued, placing her hands over her head.

⠀⠀⠀"No, Casey," Murphy protested in a sing-song tone. He leaned down further so he looked her in the eye. "They tried to kill me, and I'm the one who gets banished? Where the fuck is my relief? Why does Charlotte get to kill herself, and I'm still here... You're still here."

⠀⠀⠀"Please," Casey whimpered, clenching her eyes shut.

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe... it should've been you," John whispered, his pointer and middle finger pressed into her shoulder. "Who fell," he finished, applying pressure and forcing her off balance. She fell backward from the step and tumbled down the half flight of steps to the bottom, hitting her head against the concrete floor.

⠀⠀⠀Her eyes opened and closed as she looked for John, but he had disappeared as fast as he appeared. Her head swam, and her limbs stayed pinned to the ground like she was paralyzed. Her only relief came from the twitching of her fingers.

⠀⠀⠀At some point, she could sense someone walking past her. She tried to look and see who it was—maybe John had come back—but they moved past her like she wasn't even there.

⠀⠀⠀As she lay on the ground, bleeding and alone, she hoped for nothing to follow. She wanted her pain to ease from her body as she floated in a pool of total darkness.

━━━━━━ November 6, 2148

"THIS IS SO DUMB. Why are we going to a masquerade when we know what everyone looks like?" Casey complained, brushing a hand through her short blond curls, regretting letting her mom cut it. She wasn't exactly a professional with scissors.

⠀⠀⠀"It was a thing people did on Earth," he friend, Mara, said with a good-humored grin. "That's the whole point of Unity Day, remember?"

⠀⠀⠀Casey glanced over at her friend as they walked down the halls. Mara, with her dark skin and short, coily hair, was adjusting a dark blue mask over her face. She noticed Casey noticing and struck a playful pose. "Look good?"

⠀⠀⠀"You always look good," Casey said with a wave.

⠀⠀⠀"Mm, thanks. Now, put yours on," Mara said, nudging her.

⠀⠀⠀Casey sighed, pulling the dark green mask on.

⠀⠀⠀"Green suits you. I bet anyone would agree," Mara teased with a wink.

⠀⠀⠀Casey manage a half-smile, her finger tapping against her palm in fours. "I thought this was just an us thing."

⠀⠀⠀Mara huffed, rolling her eyes. "Ever since John got arrested, you've been a complete downer. Could you lighten up?"

⠀⠀⠀"Sorry," Casey muttered, bowing her head.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, come on," Mara said, her voice gently. "You need this, Casey. I just want you to not get stuck in what might happen. He's still alive, right?"

⠀⠀⠀"For now."

⠀⠀⠀"Casey." Mara gave her a disapproving yet patient look. It was always tough talking to her friend. She didn't get it, none of her family had been sentenced to being floated. She was one of the very lucky few.

⠀⠀⠀"It's just... my mom's been distant. She's different lately, and I can't tell why," Casey admitted.

⠀⠀⠀They neared the party as the hum of conversation grew louder. Despite her best efforts, Casey felt uneasy. Her mind wandered back to Murphy's recent arrest.

⠀⠀⠀"I get it," Mara said, pausing at the door. "But just give yourself one night to have fun."

⠀⠀⠀"Alright, alright. I'll try," Casey replied, raising her hands.

⠀⠀⠀When they entered the crowded room, Mara was quick to pull Casey onto the dance floor, swaying to the music. Casey tried to keep up, even cracking a smile every now and then. She barely registered the small talk from others in the room, and every few minutes, her eyes drifted to scan the crowd making sure Mara and everyone else was accounted for. A few boys moved in to talk to the pair—mostly Mara—introducing themselves, where they lived, and other meaningless things.

⠀⠀⠀As the party wore on, the music got louder, and they stopped talking altogether. They just enjoyed the atmosphere of the room and danced until their feet grew tired. Every once in a while, Casey's eyes fell on a girl in the middle of the room having the time of her life. She whipped her ponytail around with a bright smile as a crowd formed around her. She seemed exactly like what Mara deserved in a friend at this dumb masquerade. Not Casey.

⠀⠀⠀Just as she was beginning to settle into the atmosphere, the lights brightened and an announcement over the PA warned of an incoming solar flare. Everyone groaned, and the girl with the ponytail exchanged hushed words with a Guard, catching Casey's attention. Then, her mom entered, her eyes widening when noticing the ponytail girl.

⠀⠀⠀Casey weaved through the crowd, catching snippets of a conversation. She saw her mom lean in close to the girl, whispering, "Listen to me. You need to get home and hide under the floor. It's safer there during the flare. We'll make a distraction."

⠀⠀⠀The girl, looking panicked, glanced between Rian and the other Guard. "Bell, how do I get back?"

⠀⠀⠀"Mom, what's going on?" Casey whispered, confused at how her mother was acting with these two kids she'd never seen before.

⠀⠀⠀All eyes turned toward her: Rian's full of worry, the boy with a tense, protective stance, and the girl with a wild, nervous look, almost like a trapped animal. Casey's confusion grew as she observed the scene. Why does my mom look so desperate? And why are these two acting like they're hiding something?

⠀⠀⠀Rian turned to her, baton in hand, her voice gentle but firm. "Honey, get your ID scanned and go with Mara. Just... trust me and go, alright?"

⠀⠀⠀"What—? But, Mom—?" Casey continued, unable to get the question out. Her brows furrowed as she looked back at the two who looked strangely similar. Nothing was adding up and while Casey knew her mom did what she could for people, she didn't know what was going on here.

⠀⠀⠀Before Rian could answer, another guard stepped forward, suspicion etched across his face. "Lieutenant King, Cadet Blake," he greeted, looking first at Rian and then the boy—Blake. "Why are your weapons out?" He looked at the girl and snapped her mask off her face, stating, "Mask off."

⠀⠀⠀Casey felt the tension spike as the girl's face was exposed. The nervous eye widened further, darting around in panic.

⠀⠀⠀"Sir, she's... she's fine. I already scanned her," he claimed.

⠀⠀⠀The man started to leave, before his eyes shifted to Blake's belt. "You don't have a scanner." He turned to the girl and asked, "ID, please."

⠀⠀⠀"Lieutenant Shumway," Rian said firmly, moving in front of the girl and leaning close to the man. "As a fellow guardsman, let these two go. I'll... I'll do whatever you ask."

⠀⠀⠀"Mom?" Casey asked, unable to hide her shock.

⠀⠀⠀Shumway's eyes gleamed, a cruel smile forming. "Bribing an officer, King? I didn't think you had it in you." He looked her up and down. "I'm not sure you have anything to offer me."

⠀⠀⠀"I will, too," Blake spoke up, stepping forward so the girl was completely covered. "Anything."

⠀⠀⠀"You're not a Guardman yet, Cadet," Shumway sneered, looking down at him. "I've never liked you much, King. Perhaps you should hand in your badge."

⠀⠀⠀"Sir—" Rian said.

⠀⠀⠀"Or, I could ask for the ID again, and then you'll be floated for treason."

⠀⠀⠀Casey's fists clenched as her chest burned with anger. Her mother's life was on the line because of these teenagers. The rage boiled, and without thinking, Casey's fist flew, landing squarely against Shumway's jaw.

⠀⠀⠀A harsh cry escaped Rian as Casey was forced to the floor. In the commotion, the girl sprinted away, only to be seized moments later by another guard.

⠀⠀⠀Shumway lifted Casey to her feet and scoffed. "Two for two, King. But you'll survive another day." He turned to Blake then back to Rian. "I'll hold you both to your claims."

⠀⠀⠀Casey met her mother's eyes, absorbing the unspoken message: hold strong. She glanced at Cadet Blake, his hands behind his back, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. Later, she would learn that the girl they'd risked everything to protect was his sister. Hidden in a storage floorboard all this time, she had foolishly ventured out to the masquerade, risking Rian's life as well.

⠀⠀⠀Casey's heart twisted, anger simmering beneath her confusion and fear. She might understand Bellamy Blake's love for his sister, but in that moment, it was impossible to forgive him for the cost.

━━━━━━ September 27, 2149

BLOOD BURNED LIKE ACID when it wasn't your own. Bellamy stared at his hands where he had taken the bullet casing and stabbed it into Dax's neck. He had shot Jaha and tried to mercy-kill Atom, but this was the first time he had killed a man.

⠀⠀⠀It was self-defense. It was self-defense. It was self-defense. The words rattled through his brain, but it was hard to understand anything other than death at that moment.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy had gone outside for air, but by the time he breathed it in, his head had turned sour, and he stumbled as figments appeared like mist. The three hundred people he had killed were haunting him even still. But Dax was real. He pinned Bellamy into the dirt and choked him close to death, but he ended up lying in a pool of his own blood.

⠀⠀⠀"You're okay," Clarke said, her tone an attempt to be reassuring, but he could feel the sting of her disappointment.

⠀⠀⠀"No, I'm not," Bellamy admitted, tears in his eyes. He was unable to look at her as he hugged his knees to his chest. "My mother..." he whispered. He tried not to think about her too much these days. He was already struggling just to keep Octavia out of trouble. He couldn't spiral at the thought of his dead mother. "If she knew what I've done, who I am... she raised me to be better. To be good."

⠀⠀⠀"Bellamy—"

⠀⠀⠀"And all I do is hurt people. I'm a monster," he continued, voice cracking as a tear fell.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, you saved my life today. You may be a total ass half the time, but I need you. We all need you. None of us would've survived this place if it wasn't for you," Clarke told him simply. Her words were eerily similar to Casey's the day at the river, begging him to see that they would protect him when the Ark came down.

⠀⠀⠀"You want forgiveness?" Clarke continued. She stared at him with determination. "Fine, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven, okay? But you can't run, Bellamy. You have to come back with me. You have to face it."

⠀⠀⠀"Like you faced your mom?" he asked, looking at her knowingly.

⠀⠀⠀Clarke's face fell, and she nodded. She looked down at her hands, considering what he said.

⠀⠀⠀"You're right. I don't want to face my mom," she relented. "I don't want to face any of it. All I think about every day is how we're gonna keep everyone alive, but we don't have a choice."

⠀⠀⠀"Jaha will kill me when he comes down."

⠀⠀⠀"We'll figure out something."

⠀⠀⠀"Can we figure it out later?" Bellamy asked, leaning against the tree, exhausted.

⠀⠀⠀"Whenever you're ready," she said, mimicking his pose.

⠀⠀⠀There was a beat of silence between them. Bellamy took in the sound of the trees and the birds chipping, the natural smell of the Earth rather than the iron spark the Ark always had. The bright sky was full of life and beauty, yet something was... missing.

⠀⠀⠀"Did Casey stay behind?" Bellamy asked, turning his head lazily towards Clarke.

⠀⠀⠀"No, she came out here looking for you," Clarke said, turning to him.

⠀⠀⠀They stared at each other for a moment, taking in the peaceful moment, turning dreadful. Bellamy's stomach tightened. Dax had come out of nowhere. What if he had gotten to Casey first, then him?

⠀⠀⠀"Damn it," he groaned, standing quickly.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy rushed back inside with Clarke close on his heels. He made his way back toward the supply room when he heard sobs echoing from further down the hall. He sprinted toward the sound and found Casey lying at the bottom of the stairs.

⠀⠀⠀"Casey!" Clarke shouted, pushing past Bellamy. She knelt beside her, pressing her hands on the side of her head, making Casey groan. Clarke pulled back, raising her hand to Bellamy. Blood.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy didn't know what to think. He was almost killed, and now Casey was likely dying. His heart pumped faster, and his brain turned to mush as he stumbled down the stairs.

⠀⠀⠀"No, no, get away from me, John," Casey muttered, her eyes half open and dazed. Her hands struggled against Clarke, trying to check her injuries, but she seemed too weak to do anything.

⠀⠀⠀"Is she okay? Did she eat anything from the rations?" Bellamy asked, hovering over them.

⠀⠀⠀"Um," Clarke muttered, rummaging through Casey's pockets to pull out three bags crumpled and stuffed inside. She looked up at Bellamy and said, "Yes."

⠀⠀⠀Clarke checked her head as best as she could and then her eyes for a concussion.

⠀⠀⠀"She's okay, but I need to get her back to camp to check if she needs stitches," Clarke explained.

⠀⠀⠀Casey continued to push her fists against Clarke, trying to get her away from her. Bellamy knelt beside her and pressed his hands to either side of her face. He forced her to look at him and smiled softly.

⠀⠀⠀"It's me, Bellamy, I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?" he asked.

⠀⠀⠀Casey visibly relaxed, nodding softly as she let her eyes close. Bellamy picked her up in his arms and then remembered why they had come here in the first place.

⠀⠀⠀"We need the guns, too," he said.

⠀⠀⠀"I can carry them if we string them together," Clarke said.

⠀⠀⠀They returned to the supply room. Bellamy set Casey down against the wall, but her hand held his tightly as he tried to leave. Her eyes were open and wild, looking all over the room before landing on him.

⠀⠀⠀"Don't leave me," she whispered.

⠀⠀⠀"I won't," he said.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy sat beside her as Clarke brought the guns over to them. He removed his hand from Casey's, but she quickly clung to his arm, leaning her head against his shoulder. Bellamy didn't mind as he didn't need much range of motion to tie knots. He wouldn't admit that it made his stomach turn to static and a strange heat rise to his face.

⠀⠀⠀Clarke arranged the guns so they could return to camp while Bellamy picked Casey back up again. He noticed her finger tapping against the other nervously. He adjusted his arm to rest under her legs and took her hand in his. The comfort seemed to calm her enough to stop. He did hear her counting softly under her breath, though.

⠀⠀⠀Bellamy nodded to Clarke, and they headed back to camp.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hello? Casey and Bellamy flirting, the answer to why Casey hates Bellamy, (hallucinated) Murphy reappearance. This chapter has it all!

If anyone remembered the original version of this story, you might remember that I waited until season 2 to reveal this information. You might have also remembered that it was a passing remark so subtle it was fucking dumb and I hate myself for being so lazy. I've found both a better way to implement, these flashbacks, and for Bellamy to learn it in season 2 (also earlier)!

I hate to be the person who brings in a character for one chapter and she's never been mentioned before and may never be mentioned again (unless, I cook something fun up), but Murphy would have jumped in on the fight too if Casey started swinging.

Speaking of swinging, Casey really loves to punch men, am I right? She has so far punched Bellamy by the river, Murphy when they first met, and Shumway. (I could be missing someone). Who will she punch next?!

CHAPTER TIME FRAME: 1x8, Day Trip

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like, they keep me motivated! However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So, even if you ghost read or comment on every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come to spend your time in this fic ♡

NEXT TIME: Unity Day brings everyone together through moonshine and Casey has been needing to let loose.