Forgiveness... How could I give them to the people who never asked for one?

"I have this big lump in my heart that is almost turning into hatred..."

I held my chest while looking outside the window. Beside the building was another building, probably an apartment. Some of the window curtains were opened, exposing the interior of the apartments. I saw some people on the balcony. The idea of people living different lives always fascinated me because there was always a story inside them.

These people... Do they also suffer? Like me?

"But I do not like hatred... so I try my best to keep it in and find excuses for people who treat me this way. But do they really deserve empathy from me? Compassion?"

"This lump you are saying... You need to let them out in order for you to let go. It's heavy, right? Holding this grudge in your heart. So tell me what you really want to say."

"It might sound mean..."

"You are allowed to get mad... You are allowed to feel these negative emotions and let them out."

"Right..." I cleared my throat. "First... I do not understand how the people who gave me nothing but words of hatred could ask me for compassion or apology... or even to explain myself in certain things as if I owed them an explanation. I always think... Why are you asking things from me when you have never given me enough of them?"

I felt like... It was unfair. It all felt so unfair.

Why talk about being compassionate when all they ever did was degrade me over and over again, and when I begged them to stop during my mental breakdown, they laughed at me and mocked my mental health?

"They should ask themselves first... The way they treated me... Was that compassionate?"

'Please stop... My mental health is not very good right now. Please.' I said something along the lines once online... and it backfired.

'Mental health card na naman hahahaha'

'Buti nga sa 'yo'

'Eh paano naman mental health namin? Yung sa 'yo lang ba nagma-matter?'

'Sus depression-depression na naman as an excuse. Take responsibility'

'Wag niyo na siya i-bash guys kasi mEnTaL hEaLtH uwu <333'

After that, they repeatedly made fun of my words every chance they got. Why do they think they deserve a word from me again?

"They always make up stories and spread rumors that I have a bad attitude in real life... and all my friends already left me... and I'm always alone on the campus, that I don't have any friends because of my 'true colors' when all of my friend groups ever since elementary were still intact. And it was easy for people to believe these stories. I see replies saying, 'oh kaya pala...' or 'omg true ba? nakaka-disappoint akala ko mabait' and I think... Why? Have we met? Do you really know me, or do you only act like you know me when you have something bad to say about me?"

Have you ever met me in person? Have you had a conversation with me in real life? Have you ever been in the same space as me, engaged with me, or seen me outside the internet—the internet where you all live such a pretentious life? Where you all sit comfortably ruining someone else's life like it's your business?

"If there is one thing I learned from everything I went through, it is not to let people—strangers—tell me who I am or what I should do with my life. And it is the same with other people..."

I do not believe what strangers would say about other people when they have never interacted with them in real life. It is so easy to make something up on the internet. It is easy to cause misunderstandings. It is easy to twist someone's words. The more likes, the more comments, and the more views, the more people would easily believe a made-up story. It is easy to paint something as the truth on the internet. You just need to have a few people agreeing with you, delete the disagreements, and manipulate how others would perceive your content. Easy. Easy... and always done.

Because only a few people would scroll and think deeply about the things they see on the internet. Who has the time to debunk them?

Do you care enough to actually research and confirm if the content is factual? No... but you care enough to believe screenshots from a person you do not even know, from a person who does not have a real identity on the internet, from a troll, from a content creator who has never even interacted with the subject, or from a 'critic' who does not have background knowledge on the field. It is easier to believe the negative stuff about the person than to believe they are good because you always try to find dirt in the person you hate.

"I don't hate you. I'm not a hater. In fact, I used to be your fan... Some of them even say that. I find that ridiculous. One scroll on their profile will tell you a lot already. It's crazy how others would go to lengths to sugarcoat things because they hate to face it—that they are indeed a 'hater'—that they spend more time hating other people than actually doing something good with their accounts."

It was so easy for other people to blame me for someone else's personal issues or wrongdoings... but never look at themselves and how they caused me a tragedy. They never realize that they are as worse when it comes to pushing a person to the point of death.

"I always question... Why am I also responsible for other people's personal issues? Why am I always responsible for everything I didn't do? As long as they find a connection between me and that person, they always find a way to trace things back to me and hold me liable. Why? Why am I the only one being treated this way?"

I always asked that to myself, but it was also not like I wanted others to be treated the same way as me. I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Some people were not built to become emotional punching bags. 

"Sometimes, I regret being nice... I regret being kind," I said. "Because I always just let things slide... and they got this idea that they can step over me because I won't do anything to stop them anyway. Sometimes... I regret having that image. Because when I actually do something to defend myself, people get shocked and see that as an unusual behavior from me. Suddenly, I have a 'big following' so I should 'know better' and 'act better.' Suddenly, I'm an 'influencer', and a lot of people can pick up my 'attitude' so I should 'set an example' and not fight back."

I'm tired of being the punching bag. I'm tired of just taking everything in.

"Blaming here... Blaming there... It is easy to blame other people. It is easy to antagonize the people who have been supporting me all throughout, but we all need to also look at ourselves and ask if we are doing the exact same thing we've been complaining about. Some of us have been too comfortable being monsters on the internet. Have you ever held yourselves responsible? Have you ever looked at yourselves, scrolled through your past tweets, posts, and shares, looked at your latest activities or your conversations with your friends, and thought of the person you have become?"

Forgiveness...

We all probably did something we regret.

I have been reflecting for these past few months and even years... and I sincerely apologize to the people I have hurt in the past... for the people I failed after they believed in me, for the people I offended with my hurtful and impulsive tweets before, for the people I drove to darkness, and for the insensitive stuff that I did before.

I sincerely apologize for everything. Time will not bring back the things or the people we lost. Time will not rewind for me to correct things... but time will move forward. We always have the chance to try and improve ourselves day by day.

"But the one who deserves the most apology from me... is myself... I have not forgiven myself yet for having those thoughts. It's taxing, you know? Having all these thoughts every now and then..." I pointed at my head. "It's exhausting to fight these thoughts to prove to yourself that you have gotten better, that you are not back to square one. So... I apologize to myself... for giving in."

Twice.

I apologize to myself for almost ending it and robbing her of experiencing real peace and happiness.

She still has a lot of things she wants to do, places she wants to visit, food she wants to taste, and experiences she wants to have... so I am sorry for almost letting her lose the chance to do those things.

I apologize for being cruel to her. For constantly tormenting her. For not standing up for her. For letting her burn and slowly turn into ashes.

"The spotlight felt good at first. It was shining... I could see my future clearly. It made me shine... but standing there for too long also burned my skin. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful... I met a lot of amazing people because of that spotlight. A lot of opportunities came too. I felt the love and support of the people I cherish... but it's not all rainbows and butterflies in that field. And I'm sure other people also suffered like me."

This lump in my heart... I will let it go now before it turns to hatred.

I don't want to have a heavy heart anymore.

"That's everything I want to say," I said, ending my long speech.

If other people could hear everything I said, they would probably be uncomfortable. Some might cry... or feel sad... but some might also get angry or feel attacked, and some might probably twist my words again.

But that's something I couldn't control.

"The reaction from people is something you cannot control. What you can control is how you will respond and react to it," my therapist said.

Whatever I do... some people would still say something bad about me anyway. When you don't like someone, their words always sound like an attack– like a threat or a provocation. It will naturally trigger something inside you... and that's when you will get defensive.

'But what about the time when you did this...'

'So what about the time when you...'

'You didn't even talk about the time when you...'

Everything is about 'you'

Maybe it's time for us to look at ourselves more. Let's take care of ourselves... and reflecting on the things we did and the people we hurt is a part of it. That way, we can learn from our mistakes and become better people in the future.

After all the assessment, the last thing she asked was, "So what's your plan?"

I looked up, thinking. "Move forward?" That was the only answer. "You know... People are fascinating. Whenever I go to new places and meet new people, especially when traveling, it makes me think that... there really is more to life."

The world is big indeed. You are only a small dot in this big universe. The world does not revolve around me... and that is comforting.

What I think is a big thing... is actually something small compared to the size of the world. And so... it is easier to get over it. It is easier to jump over it... to take a leap and walk again.

Just keep walking, right?

"Thank you." I stood up and offered my hand. "I'm done for today."

From the future me... to the past me. I wish I could hug you and say... "It will all be okay... Trust me."

But seriously... Trust me. You are going to be okay.

I walked to the door, rotated the doorknob, and walked out of the room. It was like walking out of the place where I had caged myself for years.

The air felt fresher.

My heart felt lighter.

The sun was shining brighter.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, taking all of it in.

I'm glad I woke up today.