"Did you find a reason to live?"

"For a while... and then the adaptation was announced, and I was called many names after. I accepted everything, and I tried to fix it in private."

November.

"Aya, huwag ka munang titingin sa social media. Ayaw naming ma-trigger ka ulit," the management told me.

But I couldn't help but look. I saw all the things I never knew before. I didn't know because we never asked about someone's political stance during auditions.

Still, I had a purpose. I met with some of my readers and allowed them to express their grievances, and I promised to act on them.

I didn't want them to lose trust in me. I relayed their concerns to the people in question and explained why the readers felt that way. I had a great talk with the cast because they were also willing to listen. I also made sure to convey my own stance and explain why. 

Before... I said something along the lines of cutting people off who are against my stance or not associating with those people. But after the elections, I realized more that antagonizing the people whose stances contradict my principles won't work. We needed more allies, so that was what I did—I talked to people in private, hoping they would realize a thing or two. Why cut people off when they are willing to listen?

"You didn't tell people that?"

I shook my head. "I just let people think what they wanted to think. I was tired of explaining. And I was also conflicted because I didn't want to put the people I was working with in a difficult position. Not to mention it would make the environment awkward and uncomfortable..."

I was conflicted, because I had to maintain a good relationship with the people I was working with, especially the whole team, and my readers on the other hand.

"Bawal ka ba magsalita?" tanong ni Eliza.

"Hindi naman... pero mahirap, eh. Siyempre, trabaho 'to. You have to get along with the people you will work with, especially since we'll be working for a long time. It wouldn't be easy to talk about the company or the people you are working with. People might take it the wrong way too tapos mas lalala lang 'yong conflict."

"Sabagay, baka nga mapasama ka pa."

"Madaming maaapektuhan, eh. I'll just take the fall para wala nang madamay na ibang tao. Baka pati 'yong mga wala namang kasalanan dito madamay pa. It's a big project."

"Tama, huwag na muna. Saka na lang kapag nag-die down na."

The casting process was long. We had many conflicts that I couldn't disclose. I watched many audition videos and gave my comments and suggestions, but in the end, we still had to decide as a team.

People were under the impression that it was all my decision. It was not. At the end of the day, everything had to be approved by the producers.

There were a lot of things to consider, too. We were not just looking into the physical aspect of the person but also their ability to act. For some people on the team, acting mattered more than appearance. For me, I looked at the appearance since I wouldn't know their skills just by looking at one audition. We all had to meet in the middle. Even if I didn't agree with what others wanted, or others didn't agree with what I wanted, everything still had to be approved. The last decision will not come from me, but I had to be careful with my answers during interviews so it wouldn't affect the team.

"Showbiz answer, ah," Isa said, laughing.

I just didn't want my answers to affect other people. We were all working hard on the project, and I had to keep a professional relationship with everyone.

"Kumusta ka?" my management would always ask.

"Hindi po ako nagbubukas ng social media so hindi ko po alam."

But in reality... I was anxious.

Not checking social media was so hard because the idea of not knowing what people were saying about me was also making me so anxious.

What are they saying about me? Are they mad? Are all of them mad? Do they hate me now? Do I need to do something?

My head was going to different places again. I had to calm myself because I felt it again. I held my chest. I could feel my heart beating faster. I stood up and drank water. Good... I can still get up. I can still move.

You're okay. You're good. You're fine. Don't worry.

My friends would always call me, and my family would visit me because they were all scared that it would happen again.

Hindi lang naman sila ang natatakot. Everything from September was still too fresh for me. I still couldn't control my emotions well. I refused to go to therapy, too, because I told myself that I could do it– that I could heal by myself.

But deep down, I was so scared that I might do it again... that it might happen again. I was so scared for myself. I was scared to feel sleepy again... to nap all day again... to not get up again.

I was scared of what I could do to myself... because it could come to the point where I wouldn't be able to control my thoughts anymore. Once I started to think about it, I would go deeper and deeper into that darkness again.

"I'm scared..." I told myself, tearing up. What do I do? My hands trembled as I held the glass of water.

I had to save myself from me.

I decided to leave so I wouldn't fall into the dark pits of hell once more. It was already starting to suck me in. I had to leave. I had to detach myself.

Can I still do something? If I say something, they will get mad. If I don't say something, they will get mad. I didn't know what to do, and I was just... so exhausted.

While I stayed quiet, people took advantage of my silence to spread all those rumors and assumptions about me because I wasn't saying anything anymore. When someone stays silent, people easily assume that everything is true. There were a lot of made-up stories being spread, but I stayed silent because I was tired of explaining.

"Paniwalaan na lang nila ang gusto nilang paniwalaan. Nakakapagod," sabi ko sa mga kaibigan ko. "Huwag na rin kayo magsalita. Hayaan n'yo na."

"Sure ka? 'Dami nilang ina-assume sa 'yo."

"Whoever stays, stays."

Whoever stays, stays.

But I also understood how hard it would be to stay with someone who did not give them a reason to stay. I left social media, so I also understood the people who left. We all had to take a break... or leave for good.

I got busy trying to live my life in pursuit of happiness.

Because I needed to find a reason to live.

I needed peace. I needed to gain back my freedom.

I needed to take every broken piece of me and glue them together by myself in order to be whole again, even if it would wound me and my name in the process.

I just wanted to be whole again and bring back everything I lost– including my love for myself and my love for writing.

I was nowhere to be found until the year ended.

2023

I finally went to therapy.

"What should I do? It's not like I can be silent forever... or avoid social media forever. What should I do with this trauma?" I asked my therapist.

"You have to expose yourself little by little to that, iyong mga negative comments. You cannot control them, so you should learn to control the way you perceive them... but do this when you're ready. Rushing things will just make it worse."

"When can I do that?"

"It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be fast. Just focus on healing first, and then slowly step out of your comfort zone. The moment you feel okay reading those comments, or when you can continue with your day even after reading them, that would mean you are taking a step towards progress."

"So for now.... I should just lie low, right?"

"For now... Everything is still fresh. The incident is still fresh, and we don't want that to happen again... so try to avoid your trigger first. You can try journaling. It can help you keep track of your emotions. It can help you control them because you would have an avenue to express yourself. That way, you won't explode. Whenever you feel bad, write it down, and then rate your emotions after writing them down, if you still feel the same... That's your assignment until our next session, okay? We will discuss what you've written in the next session."

So I worked on it... slowly. I started journaling. Whenever I felt bad... or happy... I would write them down. I would write what I was feeling every day and how my day went. I avoided my triggers, so I was at peace for a long time. Even my friends knew they should never bring up any topic that would trigger me. They avoided talking about that stuff. Slowly... I went back to writing, too.

"This story will be mine." I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone tell me what to do with my writing anymore. I wanted to start with something light to write so it would not be too exhausting for me. I was still slowly getting back to it anyway.

For the whole year, I focused on myself. I worked hard just to let my heart heal... to be more emotionally strong, so I could face them again.

The casting for book two was in progress, so I knew I had to prepare myself again for a big backlash. At that point, I had more power on the scripts than on the casting. I just focused on things I could control. 

I disassociated myself from the casting process since the decision was not going to be mine anyway. All I could do was send my opinion about the people they chose for the role, whether I would agree or not. However, I also trusted the fact that every person on the team had a reason for their decision. Maybe they were seeing something special. We all had different perspectives on things, so I focused on reading the scripts instead. That was something I could control.

From the start, I already told the management about my reservations. I said my stance and stayed firm on it. It didn't change. Alam ko sa sarili ko 'yon. Kaya kahit anong sabihin ng ibang tao tungkol sa akin, kilala ko ang sarili ko. Iyon ang mahalaga.

"I just want to give a heads-up, Ma'am... If someone asks me about the casting process... I won't lie and tell them the truth," I told them. "That I don't actually 'decide.' I only gave my comments, and that was all."

"Okay. No need to lie naman... Let's all just stay professional."

I also had a heartfelt conversation with some of the people I was working with. I could see how passionate they were about their work, so I did my fair share of work and continued preserving the essence of the stories. That was already my message to the people.

I focused on my characters and preserving their stories. What the casts do outside of it was out of my control. I was not their manager, and I definitely didn't have a say on what they should or should not do outside work. My focus was on the story.

I also had my own life to take care of, so I stopped stressing myself out about things I couldn't control.

I took care of myself. Not associating myself with those controversies made my life more peaceful. The peace of not knowing everything people were saying about me made my life better.

"They are all just fake personalities anyway," I would always tell myself. Even if they are real people behind the screens, their profile online doesn't matter. Everyone can fake everything on the internet to please people. Everyone can act differently online and in real life.

And real life mattered more to me. I started appreciating little things: my circle of friends, my real experiences... Traveling... All the laughter I shared with the people who surrounded me made life worth living.

That was real life.

Hanging out with people I met on the internet and realizing that they acted differently in real life made me question a lot of things. Some were nicer in real life, nothing like what other people were saying about them. Some were worse in real life... pero may importante akong napulot doon na naging motto ko na rin sa buhay.

Never believe what other people say about a person online unless you've met that person in real life and had a conversation with them.

Because I was also a victim of fake rumors, I started taking everything with a grain of salt. I started being careful with believing everything on the internet... especially posts coming from anonymous people, because anyone can say those things.

Little by little, my perspective changed. I viewed the world differently when I started giving value to the real things happening to me rather than staying online the whole time. Lessening my time on social media significantly affected the way I lived my life.

I could slowly feel myself heal... until I was ready to face it.

Like what my therapist said, it wasn't easy. My first exposure to reading negative comments still had an impact on me... but it wasn't as bad as before. I practiced myself so I could get used to it. I practiced controlling my feelings and emotions, as well as the way I perceived the people behind the screen.

Whenever I would read something bad, I would always think...

Maybe it's just a kid.

And I feel kind towards kids... because they are still kids who will still learn a lot of things as they grow up. Telling that to myself helped me cope.

They probably didn't mean it. They're just kids. They don't know what they're saying yet.

I was once like that, too... when I was a kid. I grew up and knew better. They will also grow up soon.

"Ngayon ba... Okay ka na?" an old reader asked me when we went out for dinner.

I nodded and gave her a smile. "Okay na."

I could finally say it.

"Sa ngayon..." dagdag ko.

But I also don't know what could happen in the future. Ang mahalaga ay okay ako sa kasalukuyan. Saka ko na iisipin ang mga susunod na araw.

"Paano kapag nangyari ulit 'yon?"

"I already experienced the worst thing that could happen. May mas malala pa ba roon?" Tumawa ako. It was true. I already experienced everything a person like me could experience.

As long as I continue setting my priorities straight, everything will work out in the end.

"Done..." I whispered after typing my life reminders for the year 2024. It was New Year. My therapist told me to list things I should look back at whenever things went wrong or whenever my mind was so messed up that I would lose track of my progress.

This 2024, remember that:

You always have yourself, your family, and your friends to support you.

The noise outside your circle does not matter. People don't know you behind the screen.

Success comes in different forms.

People walk at different speeds. just because others already seem so far away does not mean you run slow.

Always acknowledge your emotions. It is okay to admit that you are hurt. You are not weak. Do not brush your feelings aside.

You are in charge of your own ending.

Your writing is an art. What people say about your writing is not you. Separate your real identity from your creative work.

The world is too big. It does not matter what others think of you. At the end of the day, you are closest to the people around you.

And most importantly...

Wake up every day. 

But don't just wake up.

Live.