September 26, 2022.

The time was ticking. It was running slowly. I stared at the ceiling. My phone received a lot of notifications, and the constant ringing went through my head. I ignored all of them, and I was in a dilemma.

The room was dark because I didn't bother opening the lights the whole day. I couldn't even move and leave the bed.

I was falling deeper and deeper into the darkness I tried to save myself from years ago. I had not been eating well for the past few weeks. I had no energy to get up or talk to people. Every time I checked my phone, I would read words that would cut through my heart, and to distract myself from my own thoughts, I would just prefer to sleep the whole day.

Every time I woke up from my nap, I just stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep again. My friends and family kept contacting me to ask how I was... because there was this ongoing issue around me. It blew up into such a big thing... and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand how. It was probably my fault. Everything was my fault. My thoughts were running wild.

I slept to keep the thoughts out of my mind. I didn't even dream. I just woke up again, feeling all the heaviness on my body. I could not even get up to drink water or eat. I was glued to my bed, simmering in my own thoughts– in my own feelings. It was like I was paralyzed. Like I was already dead... Hinihintay ko na lang na masundo ako.

It was crazy... Just yesterday I was celebrating our anniversary, trying to distract myself to keep the dangerous thoughts out, but as soon as I got home, I was back into darkness. I could feel no emotions anymore. The thoughts that I kept on brushing aside to give my lover the perfect day all surged towards me in one go, and my mind... was a mess.

I felt alone. My constant need to fix every little thing just made me feel worse.

Everyone hates me.

Everyone is mad at me.

I have no one by my side.

I can't fix this anymore.

This won't stop. Kahit ano'ng gawin ko, pareho lang ang resulta. So I just did nothing. Time... was running. I just accepted everything. There is no way to stop this... not until I end it.

'Are you okay? I'm here for you, okay?'

Lies.

'Huwag ka munang mag-online. Alagaan mo sarili mo.'

How?

'Hayaan mo na...'

How?

'Please, don't do anything suspicious.'

I'm sorry.

I had already decided that night.

I stared at the ceiling again and then got my phone. I searched for the quickest way to end this. I ordered what I needed. While waiting, I talked to my friends, acting like everything was normal. I would laugh with them. I would joke with them, but deep inside me, I knew... that it was the last time they would hear from me.

I looked around my condo unit, finding something like a hook that could support my weight. I got a chair and even went up to see if my feet could touch the floor. After that, I went back to bed and called my friends.

"Bukas na lang," my best friend said, laughing. We were teasing each other.

"Nandito pa ba ako bukas?" I said, joking.

"Huh? Bakit naman hindi?"

"Wala lang."

After ending a call with a friend, I called my boyfriend. He made me promise not to do anything bad. And I promised him, knowing it was a lie.

After the call ended, I told him I would just get something downstairs. I got what I ordered. I looked at the products. I wondered... and wondered. My tears kept on falling, but I was not sobbing. I was not making any noise. I just sat there in silence, feeling all the emptiness.

I was convinced it would end the agony I had been experiencing for the past two years. I didn't want to explain myself anymore. I just wanted to be gone.

I contemplated whether to leave a letter behind, but I also didn't know what to say. What for? Others might twist my words again.

And I was not good at saying farewell. My heart was too heavy to write one. 

My family was trying to contact me. I sighed again and held my head. I felt dizzy. I felt dehydrated from crying so much. I just wanted to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep. 

I was scared.

Can I do this?

It was scary.

Someone... save me.

I answered my brother's call, crying. 

"Ano'ng tinake mo?"

I shook my head, crying. "Wala..."

"Ano'ng wala? Ano'ng tinake mo?!" he repeated, louder this time. I cried more. 

"Inaantok na ako," I said.

He told me to stay put because he was on his way. I ended the call and cried more.

I thought... Could I do that to my brother? Could I traumatize him like that? That the moment he opens the door, he would see me like that? What would happen to him? Will he live with that trauma forever?

So I thought about it more.

"Please, please... Make this stop, please..." I whispered, holding my head. I was so tired of thinking. I was sitting on the floor. I didn't know what to do. A lot of thoughts were running inside my mind all at once. I wanted everything to stop.

I thought of a lot of ways to end it. I even had everything ready in front of me. I just had to choose which method would be the best and the least painful.

I felt like passing out from crying too much.

I stood on a chair and wrapped the thing I was holding around. I stood there for a few minutes... and then went down again. My brother was on his way.

I sat down and stared at all the pills in front of me. They said there was still a chance of me waking up... but with complications. I didn't want that. But that was the least painful.

"Fuck... Fuck!" I held my head again. I wanted to bang my head against the wall just for the thoughts to stop.

It was happening again. It was like I was brought back to August 3, 2020, but worse. How could I allow this to happen? I was happy. I was already doing so well. How? Why did it come to this?

I was brought to the hospital that night. 

My parents rushed out late at night and drove from our hometown to Manila so they could go to the hospital, even if I told them not to go anymore because I was alive, after all. 

I was fighting the urge to close my eyes. I was so exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. Still, I got my phone and posted one photo because I felt so sorry for my love, who had to witness all of that on the night of our anniversary... and I felt like I had to apologize to everyone who got worried and traumatized by what I did.

"Tangina mo, huwag mo nang gagawin 'yon, Aya!" my best friend told me through call. I just laughed.

"Okay lang ako, sira," sabi ko sa kanya. "Buhay pa nga, oh. Malas..."

"Tangina mo, hindi magandang joke 'yan!"

I had to get rid of all the things that could trigger me... so I left all the group chats without saying goodbye. I felt bad... but how could I explain myself? How do I tell them what happened? I couldn't. I unfriended everyone connected to my writing world, even my closest friends. I deactivated my accounts because I had to. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from checking if I didn't.

It was for the better.

I was scared to experience that moment again, so I closed all my doors to everyone else. I thought... if no one could contact me, no one could hurt me anymore. I closed all my comment sections, too, or at least limited them. 

I was not okay. I was brought back to the province. I missed my classes. I would answer calls from a psychometrician for my assessment and the schedule of my therapy. My door was not allowed to be closed. May nakabantay rin sa akin. Hindi nila ako maiwan mag-isa dahil baka kung ano ulit ang magawa ko sa sarili ko. 

I would still cry at night. I didn't go to therapy. 

October.

My family had to bring me out of the country just to distract me. I stayed in Seoul for a week, and there, I felt happy for a moment.

I felt like I could live again. Na kaya ko... Na kaya ko pa ulit.

The photos of me smiling in the Han River were the most important for me... because there, I was able to smile again after everything. I always wanted to go to the Han River. Every time we went to South Korea, I would always put it in the itinerary, but I was never able to go.

'If I hadn't survived... I wouldn't have been able to go,' I thought while looking at the river, feeling the cold air.

So I was happy... that my world did not end.

We didn't talk about that night ever again.

I tried to act normal in front of everyone again... not letting them know that something like that had happened behind the screen.

So, even if some people would get mad at me for leaving without saying anything, I couldn't get mad.

It was true. I left during the hardest moments.

Because it was hard for me, too.

But I also didn't want anyone to know. All my friends kept it a secret because it was not something that should be publicized... If it was... I would end up getting mocked again, and it would be bad for my healing process.

So I felt peace with everyone not knowing about my struggles. I allowed them to think whatever they wanted to think... that I left them... Sure. Na tumakas ako sa mga responsibilidad ko, sure... I didn't know how to explain it anyway. If I did... they would just say I'm 'using the mental health card' again or that I'm just 'asking for pity.'

"So when people tell me... Ah, ito yung author na nang-iwan sa readers niya sa kalagitnaan ng mga nangyayari... I wanted to say that it was because I had to save myself from drowning... That I did that because of my attempt... But I also didn't want people mocking me again and my breakdowns. I didn't want to show weakness because it would motivate people to trample on me. So I stayed quiet and focused on trying to find happiness to survive even for a day."

Just for a day.

And then another day.

And then another.

Until it turns into a week... a month... a year...

Until I feel like waking up is not as hard anymore.