"When did this start?"

I was seated on a comfortable couch, my eyes wandering around. I came here ready to talk, but all of it went down the drain when it was really time to talk about it. I just didn't know where to start. I was recommended to go through this by the nurse at the hospital, my parents, my uncle, my aunts, my friends, my boyfriend– just literally everyone who cared about me.

I said I was okay. I had been dealing with it for three years already. I could manage my emotions well. I would never do anything to harm myself again. I was fine. Why do I need this?

"If hindi ka pa comfortable, ito na lang... Hmm, how do you feel right now?"

I looked away. "I'm fine..." That was the usual answer. What else could I say? "...I think."

"What made you doubt your answer?"

"Well..." I bit the skin of my pointing finger while thinking. I swallowed and remembered how I had been these past few months. "Sometimes... I get anxious."

"What makes you anxious?"

"People..." I truthfully answered. How would I explain that? "I feel like... Whenever I go outside, people look at me with disgust– like they know everything people say about me online, and they believe it. That makes me not want to go outside or even make eye contact with people... Sometimes, when I feel extra anxious... It feels like everyone I come across with anticipates my death."

"And why do you think that?"

"I receive messages from anonymous users telling me to die soon." My eyes wandered around again, finding something to focus on. "They're usually lengthy. They even vary in tone. Some are too angry that they type in capitalized letters, usually with a lot of exclamation points. Some are too calm, but they know how to choose words that would hurt you. My friends always tell me to stop reading them, but I just can't stop. Ever since I opened up about my deteriorating mental health back in 2020, people online never stopped mocking me. I regretted those moments. I should not have shared that vulnerable part of me. I was just– I couldn't say young– but I was immature. I thought everyone would be able to understand. It wasn't the case."

"So this started in 2020?"

2020.

Right... To be honest, I can only recall a few memories from 2020. Maybe it was the trauma. Maybe my brain got convinced to forget some of my memories back then.

"Lock down? As in bawal talagang lumabas? Huh? Paano 'yong groceries?"

The pandemic was something I never expected to happen. I thought we were just going to take a break from school, but suddenly the government announced a lockdown, which forced me to leave Quezon City to go home to my province. I thought it would last only for two weeks, then it got extended and extended. I even left all my school stuff in my condo unit.

It was scary... not being able to go out. People had to find ways to work or continue their studies. It was new to everyone. It was an adjustment. Since my school announced that the semester would end early and everyone would automatically pass the subjects, I dedicated all my time to writing. I was writing an ongoing series, and I was already in the middle of finishing it.

I had been a writer since I was twelve years old. It was just a hobby I discovered back then. 

"Why do you like writing?" someone asked when I was young.

"Because I don't talk a lot... I usually have trouble communicating with people, especially those I don't know. I feel awkward being left in the same space with a person I haven't interacted with. I feel awkward. I always overthink what I will say. So... I like writing because I don't have to open my mouth and talk. I have a lot of things going on here..." I pointed at my head. "So I need to do something to let them out. That's why I like writing."

Since there were no other means of communicating during the pandemic, almost everyone had to go online. Everyone downloaded all the apps they knew just to interact with other people. Matagal na 'kong babad sa social media, simula pa lang noong Senior High School dahil sa mga social media seryes na pino-post ko. It was all just for fun. I just loved writing and sharing my imagination with everyone. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang nandadamay ng tao para pareho na kami ng iniisip tapos makaka-relate na sila sa mundong gawa-gawa ko lang. Kapag ganoon, eh di may makakausap ako. Talking about the world I created with other people would make it feel more... real.

I was a very impulsive teenager. I always did things just for fun. I would say things just for laughs, not minding the consequences. I was just a dumb teenager who sought social media validation since high school.

"Sino na namang kasagutan mo?" My friends and I would always laugh together whenever we got into an argument on social media. It was fun to argue with strangers, and we were teenagers who knew nothing better. "Naririnig ko pa 'yong pagtama ng kuko mo sa screen."

"Bwisit 'tong lalaking 'to, eh." Napailing ako. I knew where to hit the spot. I always knew where it would hurt the most. 

I was a nobody. No one would care about what I was doing. 

But things changed.

"Hoy, gagi, binabasa na ng kapatid ko 'yong story mo. Nag-trending ka sa Twitter!" Eliza, my friend, said on the call. May pandemic kaya hindi na kami nagkikita-kita.

"Luh, tigil niya 'yan," I said while playing a game on my phone. I would just leave the video call on my laptop. Iyon na lang naman ang paraan para makasama ko mga kaibigan ko, eh.

"Ano b'ang title ng story mo? Babasahin ko na nga rin!" sabi naman ni Isa.

"Huwag. Parang gago 'to," inis na sabi ko.

"Bakit ba ayaw mong ipabasa?! Dapat nga proud ka, eh!" Raiver said.

Binaba ko ang phone ko at sinamaan sila ng tingin. "Paano magiging proud, eh may bastos nga doon?!"

"Okay, babasahin ko na talaga." Tumawa nang malakas si Eliza.

"Huwag kasi. Magagalit ako. Tangina nito," pagbabanta ko.

Ayaw ko ngang pinapabasa mga sulat ko sa pamilya ko o sa mga kaibigan ko. Wala, ang weird lang kasi na alam nila kung paano gumana utak ko. It just felt so personal. I was not used to being that open to people. Tsaka nakakahiya. Paano kapag pangit pala? Ayaw kong marinig! For fun lang naman 'yong ginagawa ko, eh! Hayaan na lang nila akong mag-enjoy!

With each passing day, more and more people would read my works. I didn't know what to feel, but of course, I was happy. Dumadami na kasi 'yong nakaka-relate sa mundong ginawa ko. Dumadami na rin 'yong nakakausap ko sa social media. Ang dami ko nang kabiruan, tapos marami na ring makakakuha ng inside jokes.

Lahat na lang talaga 'for fun' sa akin, eh. Knowing that people were anticipating for the next chapter always motivated me to write and write. Ang bilis kong nakakatapos ng isang chapter, tapos pandemic pa at walang school kaya wala ako masyadong iniintindi. Hindi rin naman ako makalabas, eh. It was my way of communicating with other people. It was so fun.

I was on the road to getting a million followers on the writing website I was using to publish my works. Everything was free. It was just a hobby anyway, and I wanted my work to reach as many people as possible.

"Gago ka, huwag ka nang patol nang patol sa Twitter. Marami ka nang followers. Nag-iingat ka na dapat," sabi ni Raiver.

"Bakit? Sila ba nag-iingat kapag sinasabihan nila ako ng masama, huh?" Tumaas ang isang kilay ko. Patola talaga ako, eh. Kapag may nagsasabi sa akin ng masama, nire-replyan ko. Quote pa minsan para mas maraming makakita. Sinabi nila sa public, kaya dapat makita rin ng public. Iyon naman ang aim nila, 'di ba?

"Oo nga, bakit? Dapat sa mga 'yan, pinapasikat. Matapang lang kasi hindi naman ginagamit totoong account," pag-support pa ni Eliza sa akin.

"Pero, Aya, lumalaki na reach mo, ah. Paalala ko lang. Baka mag-backfire lang sa 'yo 'yan," sabi ulit ni Raiver.

Napanguso ako. "Sila naman nangunguna, ah?!"

That was my mindset kasi kaunti-kaunti lang ang nababasa ko. I expected that. Not everyone would like me. I used to argue with strangers before and got into fights, too. I thought I was already used to it. 

I thought. 

"It's just like what they say. Fame would always cost you something," I continued, seated on the couch. I just focused on that squishy thing I was holding to help me focus. "The more I gained followers, the more things got out of my control... and from one or two haters, they multiplied and multiplied... Alam mo 'yong parang 'kisses' na mga bilog-bilog na dumadami sa tubig? Parang ganoon." I let out a short laugh, shaking my head.

Bumabalik na 'yong mga alaala ko noon. I became such a people-pleaser. 

"My attitude... My personality... They all started to change. I started apologizing a lot for my actions... and also for other people's actions. I would apologize both for things I did and didn't do. I really wanted to avoid conflicts. Things were getting out of hand. Fake rumors, accusations, and made-up stories just fueled all the fire."

Nakakunot ang noo ko habang binabasa 'yong mga sine-send sa aking screenshots. Oh, how easy it was for everyone to go online and tell lies. It was so frustrating... how easy it was for people to believe an anonymous person. Siyempre, basta chismis, interesado mga tao. Guilty rin ako diyan. Until I was the subject of the said chismis.

"Ha? Hindi ko naman sinabi 'yan," sabi ko sa mga kaibigan ko habang binabasa nila sa call 'yong mga pinapakalat sa Facebook. "Nakakairita naman..." inis na sabi ko.

"Ano? Magpapaliwanag ka na naman, 'te," sabi ni Ria.

"Weird naman. People would easily go and spread things about you, pero ikaw 'yong sasalo ng responsibilidad para magpaliwanag," sabi ni Raiver.

"Ganoon talaga. Kaysa naman maniwala mga tao diyan, 'di ba?" sabi naman ni Leo na kakasali lang sa call. "Explain ka na lang." 

Kahit ako, naguguluhan na rin, eh. Kahit ako napapatanong na rin kung saan ba galing 'yong mga 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o hindi kasi ang creative ng mga pinapakalat na story na nagiging interesado na rin ako kung ano'ng sunod na nangyari.

Every time there was a conflict, I was told to apologize publicly. Even on things I knew nothing about, I would be asked to 'speak up.' Sometimes, I would spend the whole day playing games on my phone, tapos pagbalik ko, sabog na notifications ko because of people asking me to apologize and speak up for another person's actions. It already became a routine. I could already predict those things. Alam ko na ang kasunod kapag may nangyari.

"AYA, YOU MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. I lost motivation in writing because of you, because your fans kept on leaving comments under my story about your stories."

"AYA! MY FRIEND DIED BECAUSE YOUR FANDOM IS A BULLY! You should be held responsible. Bakit wala kang ginawa para pigilan sila?"

A lot of those kinds of posts came out, too. I didn't even know what the truth was anymore because there were so many claims from anonymous people who did not reveal their identities. There were more than a thousand likes, hundreds of shares, and comments blaming me for other people's tragedies. 

'you're a fucking murderer'

Everything was confusing to me. Was it something I did?

It happened so many times that I didn't even know who or what to believe anymore. How could I reach out when they were using pseudonyms? And the screenshots were from people who didn't have names or had profiles that couldn't be searched?

Aya, the proper answer should be... I'm sorry.

Right... 

I'm sorry. 

"Can you please call out your fans and stop them from leaving comments under other people's works mentioning your story?"

But a lot of people do that to me, too, and I never asked for someone else's apology. Hindi ko alam ang iisipin ko. Maybe we just have different levels of sensitivity. Hindi naman lahat ng okay sa akin, okay sa lahat. Inintindi ko. I reminded my readers not to do that.

I'm sorry.

"Aya, apologize for the behavior of your fans. Sobrang toxic na!"

The call-out culture was getting worse. Many other people in the same field started to jump on the hate train and added fuel to the fire by subtweeting me and low-key telling everyone they were getting annoyed because of me and my readers. 

I'm sorry. 

"Your fans should be your responsibility, so apologize."

I'm sorry.

"Aya-"

I'm sorry.

"Ano na naman ginawa mo, Aya?"

I'm sorry.

Apologize. Conflict. Apologize. Conflict. Apologize. Conflict. Repeat. I was getting sick of it.

"To answer your question, when did it start... That was it. That was the start," I said, leaning on the couch. "I was getting sick and tired of that routine. I developed anxiety. Each time I would check my phone, I was scared of what I was about to see. The first thought that would come to my mind... 'So what do I have to apologize for again?' or 'Did I say something wrong again?' or 'What did I say in the past?'. Everything felt chaotic. I couldn't remember much from 2020, but I think I suffered more than I was happy."

That one, I surely remember.

"That was the year I felt more responsible. Well, people online convinced me that I was responsible for a lot of things. With each day passing by, my energy was slowly being sucked out of my body. I would always just appear happy and normal online because I didn't like worrying my readers, but at that time... Honestly, all I could remember was wanting to kill myself each passing day."

'Are you sure you want to deactivate your account?'

I clicked yes. I got sick and tired of seeing chaos every day.

I would distract myself from doing other things. Working out, playing games, watching anime, reading books... Kung anu-ano para lang lumipas ang araw. Then, before going to sleep, I would contemplate whether to wake up tomorrow or not.

I hated waking up. I hated opening my eyes in the morning because I knew it was just another day of suffering.

"Aya, kumain ka na," my mom said.

"Mamaya po," sagot ko naman. Iyong 'mamaya' na 'yon, hindi na palaging natutupad.

I started eating less. I was getting so thin. Whenever I got anxious, I refused to eat anything, and I would feel sleepy the whole day. Kapag bumibigat na ang katawan at dibdib ko, at pumipikit na ang mga mata ko, alam ko na. It was not a good feeling. I would always try to take a nap, thinking all the pain and loneliness would disappear as soon as I woke up. It was not the case.

I woke up tired. Nang tingnan ko ang phone ko, nakakuha ulit ako ng notifications.

'Aya, nakita mo na ba 'to? May sinasabi tungkol sa 'yo.'

'Aya, please do something about this!'

'Aya, ano, mananahimik ka na lang palagi? Take responsibility.'

I want to fucking die. Get away from me.

No... That's not right.

I'm sorry.

That was the right thing to say. Forget my emotions. Forget my feelings. Kailangan kong ibaba nang ibaba ang sarili ko.

"The hatred got worse and worse. I got worse and worse too..." I played with my fingers.

Another incident was blown out of proportion, which made me cry inside my room all day, refusing to go out. I probably cried more than I laughed that year. It was exhausting. I was anxious every day... and every hour. Distracting myself wouldn't work anymore.

I cried to my parents for the first time. I couldn't help it anymore. Everything felt heavy. My mom hugged me while I was crying. 

"Itigil mo na 'yang pagsusulat na 'yan. Mag-deactivate ka na ng account mo. I-delete mo na lahat para hindi ka na ganyan araw-araw. Kung ganyan lang din, huwag ka nang magsulat." My parents were already getting mad but it was because they were worried for my health. Because... they were the ones who saw me everyday... and saw how I was doing behind the screen.

I shook my head. Writing was the only thing I could do. Writing became my way of coping. My characters were my only way of telling people about my sufferings... and all the pain I had endured. I started living a different life through my characters, which helped me escape my realities.

And... How about my readers? I couldn't leave them hanging. They were all waiting for me. 

"Bakit po 'yong ibang stars mas maliwanag tsaka mas malaki?" 

When I was a kid, someone told me that when people die, they become stars. 

"Iyong pinakamalaki at pinakamaliwanag na star, 'yon 'yong pinakamalapit na tao sa 'yo. Ibig sabihin, gusto nilang mapansin mo at makita mo sila kaagad kapag tumitingin ka sa langit... para alam mong nandiyan sila, nagbabantay sa 'yo." 

"So kapag namatay po ako, magiging star din ako?" I asked.

"Oo... Diyan ka mapupunta! Sa langit! Makikita ka ng lahat..."

I believed that growing up.

"Ano'ng ipapalagay mo?" tanong ng kapatid ko. Wala na kaming magawa dahil hindi kami makalabas kaya pati paghe-henna ay pinatulan na namin sa bahay.

"Stars," sagot ko.

Nilagay niya 'yon sa likod ng kamay ko, malapit sa thumb. Noong gabi, habang nakahiga ako sa kama ay tinaas ko 'yong kamay ko para tingnan 'yong mga stars na naroon.

Do people really become stars when they die? How... pretty.

I wanted to become a star.

"Should I end it today?" I asked myself while looking at the star on my hand.

Maybe I could still last another day. But... How long? Gaano pa katagal akong magtitiis?

"Alam mo, just write a character that would reflect you... It might comfort you in some way," Ria told me. "You don't know... Baka makatulong sa 'yo. Since hindi mo masabi sa mga tao ang nangyayari sa 'yo, show them through your stories."

And I did just that. I wrote two characters. I reflected myself on those two characters. I gave the other character the ending I had always wanted for myself. And then, for the other, I made her represent hope—the small part of me who still wanted to keep going. I had two choices.

But for some reason, each time I would lean toward deciding not to wake up anymore, my 'beauties' – my readers – would always find a way to make me want to continue. I would sometimes receive random letters expressing their love and appreciation. Sometimes, they would ask for a Discord or Zoom call... or ask to play games. It was like they always knew.

"Ah..." I smiled while remembering that time. "Looking back, I became really dependent on them. I would only feel safe and comforted whenever I was with them... so whenever I felt sad, I would randomly ask for a call... or a study date... o kahit ano... without explaining why because their presence alone made me feel safe. I just wanted to feel their presence, hear their voices, hear their thoughts. Just seeing them made me feel like I wasn't alone. So whenever they would tell me that my stories saved them... In my head, I would think... that it was them who actually saved me during that time."

"Your readers?"

I nodded. "Yes... Whenever I was with them, it was like I had a safety net... like it was okay for me to fall down... or lean my head and close my eyes for a moment. They always knew whenever I was sad... whenever I was anxious... and they never failed to remind me that they were there. They would always ask if I had eaten or drank water at least... and if not, they would ask where to deliver food... Things like those. They took care of me during the times I wasn't taking good care of myself."

They saved me without them knowing.

Right... It wasn't all storms. But sometimes, they would get defeated by a stronger feeling. The problem was me.

"I developed trauma from that time... But after deciding to die one night during August... and still waking up the next day, I felt like I had another chance in life. I took a break. I changed. I don't know... I became more... gentle. I started seeing the goodness in every situation or in every person because that was my way of coping. But honestly, I think that was also a bad way of coping. I was repeatedly stepped down on... and I would always say 'hayaan n'yo na' because I hated conflicts. I was afraid that if it became bigger, I would... fall back into 'that' state again after getting back up. It was my greatest fear."

"That's actually a somehow healthy way to address situations. Understanding first, not reacting immediately. You were taking care of yourself back then. You were protecting your mental state by trying to be cautious with how you handle things."

"I feel like that has always been a part of me... and it was affected by my past relationships. I was repeatedly gaslighted and manipulated before. I got cheated on and believed that it was my fault. I became the emotional punching bag and believed that it was also my fault. Tinarantado ako, siniraan ako, but instead of getting mad, the first thing I asked was, 'Are you okay?' like a fool, because maybe they just had a mental breakdown and they started overthinking things again..."

Remembering those times just made me mad at myself. Why did I let those things happen? How? Even when they purposely choose words that would make people misunderstand me, I just let those things go.

Maybe they were just having a bad day.

Maybe they were just not in the mood.

Maybe it was really my fault.

He dumped me because there was something wrong with me.

He cheated with one of my closest friends on the night of our anniversary. But maybe... Nagkulang din ako.

He twisted the truth and made people misunderstand me... but maybe he didn't mean it. Baka hindi niya sinasadya. Baka nadala lang siya ng emosyon.

He told me he would kill himself so I would realize how much he regretted what he did... so maybe it was my fault.

His friends told me to talk to him because he drowned himself. Maybe I was really responsible for that... because I did not reply. Because I refused to talk to him after what he did to me.

Sorry po. I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm really sorry for what happened. It already became a habit.

"You're right. Many things that happened in your past could affect your attitude and behavior towards things. A lot could contribute to that... but not everything is your fault. You are responsible for your own actions, but you cannot control everything. You should remember that there are things that are beyond your control, and it's not your fault, Aya..."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I just stared at the floor, thinking. That wasn't even the end yet... I just answered the question, "When did it start?" but we weren't at the peak of the story yet.

A story always has an exposition or the beginning, a rising action that leads to the conflict, and then the climax, which is the highest point of the story– the most interesting one. Then, there is the falling action, where the conflict dies down, and then the resolution, which is the ending.

Usually, there would only be one climax. That was the peak—the highest point of the story. Nothing could ever go higher than that.

For some reason, my life had so many conflicts that after one was resolved, another arrived, so I never reached the resolution stage. After the falling action, it would just go higher again—another conflict. It repeated in my life a lot more times than it should have.

I thought no conflict could go higher than 2020... until I experienced 2022.