💔

Your black heart, you ain't even budge

When you tore mine apart

People often say that the sun would keep on rising and setting without you. And it's true, I've always believed it. But it's horrible because until now, I never really knew how miserable it felt.

The sun rises and sets as usual, but every time it does, it feels like mockery. See how insignificant you are. See how even though you're suffering and every day feels like a curse, everyone keeps going. You don't matter. Stop making a big deal out of it already.

I should not be taking it this hard. But I am, and it sucks.

After I found them there - Dominic and some random senior boy - I broke down. Crumpled into a pile on the floor and cried and broke down because I thought she loved me, except Bailey was right, in a way.

It was obvious. Bailey's always right. It was too painful for me to believe at the time, though, so I ignored them. And look where I am now. A mess.

Dominic helped me up and kissed my tear-streaked cheek. My heart throbbed, I remember - as if it were turning itself inside out. She took my hand and looked into my eyes, a soft smile on her face, promising to talk about it later.

And then she was off. Didn't stay to console me or try to heal the wound she left in my heart. Left, her hair trailing behind her, that smile still on her glossy lips like she didn't care at all. She probably didn't.

"I'm sure there's a... reasonable explanation for this..." Tammie reassures me, patting my back. The comment is awkward and hesitant, and she clearly doesn't really believe it, but I appreciate the effort, and the tub of ice cream she brought me.

"Lucky it happened on Friday, huh?" She tries to joke, which makes me laugh pathetically. "Leaves you three full days to mope around and eat ice cream." A sob snags in my throat and I choke on ice cream. "Hey. Come on. It's gonna be okay."

I don't feel like telling Tammie anything that's running through my head right now. Definitely not all of it, especially since I don't know myself. There are just snippets of thoughts that I can make out.

But it feels rude to stay quiet, so I manage to grab on to one thought and let it out. "What if I'm not good enough for her?" A laugh bubbles up in my stomach. "She has so many other people, so many takers. What makes me so special?"

Tammie wraps her arms around me as the laugh slips out, building up in my chest and up my throat. And before she can reply, I'm giggling, out in torrents, for no reason at all. This is it. I'm going insane.

Through laughs, I keep going, the words spilling out with nothing to stop them. "And I thought she loved me! Isn't that ridiculous, Tam? I mean - ha -" The strange, choking laughter turns back into sobbing, tears sliding down my cheeks as my voice drops, "- who would ever love me?"

Silence, nothing but the sound of my strange, staggering breath.

"That's not true." Tammie's voice is so quiet, I have to strain to hear it. "Rhea. That is not true. So many people love you." She tucks my hair behind my ear as I sniff. "Your parents love you. Bailey and Amare and William love you. I love you. And - and she might... still."

There's a little hesitation in her voice, as if it were an afterthought. An unbelievable one, but a consoling one all the same. I smile as my heart, for a moment, fills with warmth. I still have her and everyone else.

I loved her, but I love them too.

Right at that moment - as per Bailey June fashion - Bailey bursts in. They close the door with a small click and slide down next to me on my other side. "Sorry to hear about Dominic."

I shrug. "It's fine. I got you." I squeeze Tammie's hand next to me. "And, you know, my bestest best friend in the world." She grins at me and I grin right back.

Bailey sticks their tongue out. "Yuck. I have so had enough of you two dragging this thing out, even though you're clearly meant for each other. I mean, I'm sorry about Dom, and all, but like. God. You two are too oblivious."

I make a face, the sad feeling washed away. It's a little strange how Bailey's sarcasm, no matter how blunt, is always capable of cheering me up. Maybe their verbal abuse is a natural remedy to pain.

Never mind. That would be weird.

"Yikes. Don't be rude, Bailey." Tammie winces. She and Bailey's personalities have always clashed, and it's not hard to see why. They're more mutual friends than anything - friends by association. "Bailey. Can't you see Rhea's sad?"

I shake my head, shrugging Tammie's hand from my shoulder. She furrows her eyebrows before widening her eyes. The quick succession of emotions looks cute on her face. "It's fine, Tam. Bailey's just like that. And sometimes it makes me feel better."

Tammie gives me a baffled stare, like I've gone mad. Bailey's mouth is curled up into a smug grin. "Tam, you've got to learn that sometimes, in this world, it's kill or be killed."

This makes her even more confused, which is pretty funny to look at. "Did you just imply that you killed Rhea?" Which makes Bailey burst out in laughter, clutching their stomach. It earns a small giggle out of me, too, which Tammie frowns at.

"I hate you both," she announces. Bailey chokes for air as tears come to their eyes. "I hate this. You guys are horrible." Tammie picks up her bag and fake-storms out the door. "Youth these days!"

It almost makes me feel alright again.

💔

I cry, cry, cry, cry to the heavens

Why won't you just send me somebody?

There's pot roast for dinner, my favourite food, but the aching feeling is back and every bite, though it tastes good in my mouth, feels like a rock in my throat and stomach. I get through half a plate before giving up, setting my fork and knife down.

Dominic is, strangely, nowhere to be seen. Or maybe not-so-strangely? She might be off somewhere, making out with some random student. A stray thought crosses my mind and makes me wonder whether I was only that to her.

A junior tries to smile at me, but I avoid eye contact, instead watching the cafetaria doors with unorthodox interest. When they don't open for a straight ten minutes, other than for a group of chatty middle-schoolers, I stand up and leave for my next class.

"Hey, Rhea!" Someone shouts from behind me. It's William, one of my friends. "You still coming to football practice?" God. Right. I'm on the football team. This whole thing has made me forget. "It's no big if you don't come. After all, we did already win the year tournament."

I shrug. "Still at three, right? I'll figure it out." Footsteps ring through the empty hallway. William gives me a thumbs-up and walks away as Dominic approaches, like a looming apocalypse.

"Hey, Rhea," she greets in that sultry, seductive voice of hers, "got a moment to talk?" My throat goes dry, so I nod and swallow. She sighs and leans down, smoothing down her skirt. "I'm sorry, Rhea. I didn't mean for it to go down that way. I guess I just... lost that spark between us, you know?"

My hands clench at my sides. No. No. She loved me. She said so herself. The world spins as Dominic talks but I can't hear a word she says; just her lips, moving. Tears prick at my eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way, Rhea." She laughs, a little bitter. "You understand, right?" No, I want to say. No, I don't understand anything. I don't understand why you said you loved me even though you didn't. Even though you don't.

I nod.

She smiles and pats my arm. "Thanks so much. You're a wonderful person. Someone will love you, truly." Her smile fades, a look of pity on her face. "I'm just not that person."

Her words are like a bullet to my heart. I'm surprised I haven't had a seizure by now or something. Dominic hugs me and walks away. It's so familiar. Too familiar. Watching her hair trail behind her, the creases on her paint-streaked shirt.

That honey blonde hair and red lips. The fresh scent of lavender and strawberries when she washed her hair and the way she scrunched up her nose when she laughed. The way she flicked at me and rolled her eyes at my bad jokes.

It's all gone. And even as I watch her walk away - as it's all done and over, for good, even as I start to accept it - I know I'm going to miss it all so much. I remember feeling loved, for once, by someone. Except she doesn't love me. Not now. I don't think she ever did.

"Rhea. Hey, Rhea!" A voice echoes toward me. A different voice, one that I've found comfort in a lot of times. "Rhea. Hey." Tammie sounds a little high-pitched, and she adjusts her glasses. "How'd it go with Dominic?"

"Bad. She broke up with me," I reply plainly. An array of emotions cross her face, confusion, sadness, pity. There even seems to be a flash of something like hope in her eyes, but she shakes it away.

"I'm so sorry." She reaches out for my shoulder. "Um. I know this is a bad time and all, but I need to tell you something. That's okay, right?" I shrug and say "sure" as we walk toward one of the benches. "Okay. Um. God, this is awkward."

Tammie leans back against the wall, winding her black hair around her finger. "First,I want you to know - well, I came out to my mother. She was totally cool with it." My hands smack against each other and instinct as my legs bounce.

"That's great, Tam!"

"Yeah, well," Tammie trails off, "and the second thing I want to tell you is - actually, here." A pink card is shoved into my hands, a frilly fabric heart on the front page. She swallows, hard, and her breathing goes shallow. "I've been in love with you for two years."

My brain lags like an old computer, trying to catch up to her words. I struggle to make sense of each of them as reality shifts, slightly, as everything around me disappears. Her shy, anxious smile and the way she adjusts her glasses.

It's too familiar to me, too.

Tammie loves me.

My hands scrunch up in my lap as I stare at her with wide eyes. The bell rings, shrill and loud. It's the first bell, I tell myself, you can stay for a few more minutes. I want to stay. I want to say something, anything. I want to reach out and do anything instead of feeling frozen like this.

It's only happening after I decide it's not a good idea, but my body has set it into motion already and there's no going back. And as I run away, down the hall, I know I'll never forget the way her face dimmed, broken, like a lightbulb going out.

God. What have I done?

💔

The clock ticks, soft and quiet, yet so, so important. A minute more. That's all. It's not too much to ask, universe. What difference does it make to skip one measly minute?

The universe stops. And it listens. Our teacher sets down his marker and sighs. "That's enough for today, students. Remember to do your homework of page twenty to twenty five." He claps, like we're a bunch of dogs. "Class dismissed."

When class ends, all the students run - they sprint to the door, congesting the hallways as hundreds of students flood the hallways, chattering and laughing.

But in that moment, no one ran to the door like I did. The urge for freedom after four hours of boring lectures was nothing compared to the desperation I had to see Rhea.

People yelped as I zoomed through the space between the desks. They marched toward the door like a parade, but I pushed past, stepping on feet with harried apologies. No time, not right now. Because, see, the one good thing about boring classes? They leave you with lots of time to think.

And when you think hard enough, long enough, you come to a decision or at least a conclusion. My conclusion: I love Tammie. My decision: tell her. Now. Because every second, she's being sad or downcast, and I can't do that to her.

She's not sitting at our usual spot in the cafeteria. I skip through the hallways, checking in every classroom, glancing at every bench and corner, looking to see if she's there. No luck.

Finally, my eyes land on the girls' bathroom at the end of the hallway. Right on cue, a toilet flushes, and Tammie comes out, water dripping from her hands. She looks startled to see me, almost scared, like I'll start shouting at any moment.

My hands clench at my sides. I want to rush over to her and tell her everything I want to say, how she doesn't have to be heartbroken or anything like that. Not anymore. Instead, I cross over and wrap my arms around her, hugging her tight.

"Oh," Tammie whispers, before her brain seemingly catches up and she pushes me away, "what the heck, Rhea?! I don't need your pity!" She wraps her arms around herself and stares, distrust written all over her face, at me.

"I love you." The words slip out and I clasp my hands to my mouth.

"But - but Dominic -" I shake my head and pry her hands away from her face. I don't think I ever really loved Dominic in the first place, too caught up in her beauty to see someone who was right there next to me all this time.

Tammie looks up at me. "You - love me? Even though I'm not really -" she smooths her hands over her body, "- you know. I'm this. And you'd want that? Even though I'm - I'm me?"

It's too hard to describe her eyes. They're like mercury, but nowhere near as steely or hard, gleaming and beautiful and sparkly as she looks up at me. They're wide and innocent, something you'd associate with a deer, or the feeling of happy disbelief.

"And what you are is amazing and beautiful and funny, Tam. Now come here."

She melts into me. She tastes a little like chocolate and cinnamon, so different from Dominic, but it's so good that in the next second, Dominic's gone. Something fills up my heart, warmth spreading through my chest, overflowing.

Love.