September 26, 2019

Well, so here's the answer to the big question: Did I ever see Tyler again?

No.

Instead, I've had two serious relationships after high school, the first one with Chris from college and the second one with Sam right after I started my career as an adult. Both men I fell for quickly.

My love for Chris was different than my love for Tyler. It was deeper, more real, but it didn't last. After some ups and many downs, towards the end, distance and time removed my feelings for him. I fell out of love after five and a half years of dating.

My love for Sam felt just as passionate and real as my love for Chris had been. I thought he would be the person for me... for forever. But after a year and a half, that too had sailed its course for reasons outside my control.

Both men I saw as my future husband. But none of them are. Not Tyler, not Chris, not Sam. I'm actively dating, staying optimistic, keeping to my standards, and enjoying it (most of the time).

I have made the life-changing decision to adopt a dog, though. My life now has more meaning. My need to feel needed—for someone to need me—is met daily. My need for unconditional love is always met and I know always will be.

Moral of the story: Get a dog.

I'm not saying to swear off men or love altogether, but take the time to work on yourself. That's the real moral of the story.

While I've done plenty of soul searching in my early twenties to become the best possible version of myself that I can be, I've spent the last half-year focusing on bettering my love life. I've read many useful self-help books about dating, relationships, love, sex, and the behavioral psychology of men. It is absolutely world-changing. (If you want to know what I've read, direct message me and I'll tell you.)

The biggest self-growth I've experienced from dating since high school is now knowing I am a complete and whole person without a man. I do not need a man, I just want a man, and that's okay.

Another lesson learned: If he talks about the future with you possibly in it, only 50% of the time does that mean he's actually thinking of longevity with you. The other 50% of the time, he's just thinking about the future and it has nothing to do with his feelings for you; don't take it personally. I still haven't found the trick to figuring out which one it is until it's too late, other than asking, but I haven't grown the courage to ask just yet.

Being able to reflect now as a matureish twenty-six-year-old, I can say with clarity that whenever I missed Tyler in high school, it was always in a romantic way, even when I was trying to convince myself otherwise.

Another lesson learned: When you pull away from a relationship and they don't try hard to get you back, they're not invested in the relationship. I think this memoir is proof enough.

I'm also genuinely so upset I used to have such a negative body image of myself. In all honesty, I'm the one who glowed the fuck up! Tyler, on the other hand, has seen skinnier days with more hair on top of his head, if you catch my drift...

I still don't have an answer to the question of whether flirting through text while dating different people is considered cheating or harmless fun. Everyone has differing opinions. The most I can do about it is to forgive myself and not do it again, and I have.

I can't be 100% sure on this since I literally haven't seen or spoken to Tyler since high school graduation, but those feelings do disappear one day. The easiest way to have that day arrive? Fall in love with someone else, but truly fall in love with them.

If we were to one day stumble upon each other, I'm not sure if those feelings would come back. Then again, I might not recognize him in person anymore either. It's also unlikely to happen now that I've moved to North Carolina and he's stayed in New York...

I still agree with seventeen-year-old me. I was Tyler's rebound girl and just had to face the facts. I do wish I would have seen this earlier...

Tyler might have taught me a lot about love, sex, and relationships, but he was never the best thing that happened to me in high school. The best thing that ever happened to me in high school was creating lifelong friendships and finding my passion in writing to then grow a career out of it!

Never let a man be the best thing to ever happen to you.

You are the best thing to ever happen to you.

The best thing to ever happen to me was finding myself, loving myself, and accepting myself, flaws and all.

I've learned that Quote One is sometimes dangerous and a bit unethical at times. I'm not confessing to anything here... but not only can it be dangerous to you, but you can also become dangerous to others, so proceed with caution.

Quote Three never really stops happening after a certain age. Yes, I have gotten better with age at discerning the intentions behind sweet words, but so have men at masking intentions behind sweet words.

The struggle of Quote Ten is a hard battle to win, and I don't think you ever stop struggling with it.

While I'm still on this journey to find my person, I know I'll be able to get there someday.

Love can be powerful, love can be dangerous, love can be devastatingly heartbreaking, but love is so worth it.