A/N
these are based off true events in my life, some recent and some older. i do not feel comfterable mentioning the ladder manly because the scenario is a hard one to talk between even between us, but the main encounters are between me and ThePinkBurrito. I am not disclosing the other individual for we still to talk to one another and care heavily about eachother, and plus doing that would be shitty of me/I don't want people going after him for petty bullshit because I have gotton over it and I don't want to drive it further into him since he didn't do it.
if you are that person, you know who you are, and i still love you so much. my heart has healed greatly and you're the best sibling I could've asked for
now that sounded creepy out of context
,,,okay I'm ending this A/N ok bye

close your eyes, heavy breathes.
you don't want to wake up to find her gone, do you?
I

sat on my bed, the song blaring from my tablet, my fingers grazing the phone in my hands, bitting my lip as I lookrd directly at my wall.

"I didn't know I was broken until I saw your face."
My voice hummed ever so soft as I adjusted my position to lay down, my body starting to shake and my chest was heavy. What was the word I was looking for to explain this?
He mentioned it briefly to me, telling me he had it and it made my heart sink from guilt, since I always used the words, but he assured me it was only when it wasn't used in our situation.

  I shakily held up my phone, the light piercing my redden eyes, my throat caught by my tongue, my body practically heaving.

 
Philophobia. The fear of love.

How could you be afraid of such an innocent, pure thing? The thing that drives two people chest close and giggles to sweep over them, their bodies weakened in eachothers arms as they proceed to annoy the literal fuck of everyone else.

   It's not innocent---it's not really anything to me. It's like determination. Positibe attributes towards a word that doesn't deserve such recognition when anyone, or anything, can be determined to do anything. I'm sure that Adolf guy was pretty determined to cause genocide and we all know how well that was.

  And just like determination, you can be in love with anyone around you. I was once in love before, and god I regret it. I regret letting myself submerge in the feeling with ease, smiles up to cheek to cheek and my body weak, like a drug addict. But it had it side effects, it had it's whiplash, it had it's skin- scratching, lip bitting and piss-in-pants way to destroy your life. Just in subtle, non-verbal ways.

  He didn't shoot me down. He didn't block me and reply with a simple "lol", like her the other did (which whom I will find and have his pretty boy face meet my hard-toe boots, by the way), which in a way makes me feel worse by getting so emotional.

I wanted him. He wanted another. He didn't want to be mine and it made me bitter, jealous, in all honesty sad.

What could I be? I saw his crush, noted her actions and tried to be like that. I wanted to try to be happier, less stressed and more talented. I tried to be like her which made me feel worse, my efforts where out of spite and made as sense as shooting a dead horse several times in the head.

  I wasn't for him and he wasn't for me, which I guess was fine. But I tried to stay away from the feeling since than. Relationships came and go, my emotions conflicting pity with romance, me falling fourth to blame other parties when it was my fault. I'm the trashmouthed fuckboy your friends shit on behind their backs, because I was the friend who did shitty things and was once a manipulator. Not exactly on purpose, but was nonetheless.

Cheating, threating to put a bullet wear I should put a helmet (or putting a helmet on a helment) and blaming everyone besides my own actions, even though I was told it was my fault flat out.

   I made accounts to shit on people, publicly humilated the ones I wanted gone and tried to ruin their lives as much as possible. I drew out and planned their social ends and I still put on that look. That crocodile teary eyed look with a pout lip seemed to have everyone fooled.

I blinked once more as the song ran on repeat again, the tears overfilling my eyes as I tossed my phone to the floor.

Tell me again, why would she love me? Why would she fall for a foul mouthed, awkward looking insomniac who ws going to a hospital to make sure he didn't shoot a kid in the face and was a little demon. Why?

It was like a homeless man taking out a runway model for dinner. It was impratical, smelled like shit from a mile away and made the girl uncomfortable.

Quickly, making my thoughts in the past, his phone rang and shook in his hands, the bleep bloop noises ringing out his ears as he picked it up.

"Hey!" He said, a smile creeping onto his face again, his heart pittering beyond explaination.

"Sorry, my mom wanted me." She spoke, "What's up?"

   "Just laying, wondering why God hasn't destroyed all living organisms yet, you?" Truth be told that wasn't too far off, but I joke about it too much to shock her to more than a (cute) giggle.

  "You updated!"

She noticed.
Eailer I posted a chapter on this orange hell about how to confront a crush since I'm hopeless, and now she saw it. I couldn't tell her yet, could I? Could I saw how I felt?

Don't put this burden on her. Don't mention anything. Don't say her name. Don't hurt her the way you hurt him.

  "You need advice?" She spoke from the other end. "Don't be a fucking pussy. No one likes a pussy. Confront her and tell her yourself you're feelings and don't have your little friend come up and have them tell them."

I swallowed, "Alright, be a man. Kinda hard when I have a vagina."

"You're still a guy though, ok you little shit."

I chuckled and covered my face. I couldn't fathom this--my own fucking crush gave me datinf advice.

"So, who's the lucky guy?"

"wELL I MEAN-" I heaved and gave a nervous chuckle and she started to list off names.

"Pastel?"

"Nope."

"I shipped you two, damn. Skipper? John the emo god guy??"

"Nope and nope." I was about to cry, my face was beet red. At least she wouldn't guess right.

"Prince of roses?"

I replied with a no again.

"Let me help--there's a color in her username."

"Shit, I don't know anyone with that but.."

She remained silent as did I.

"It's you." I gave in and nodded my head, even though I couldn't show her my physical movements.

"At least I wasn't a pussy...?"

I spoke softly with a chuckle, my body ready to implode with any second. It was gonna be a no. It was gonna be a kind "sorry" and a click. It wouldn't be like the countless fairytales I read, damnit.

"I'm shocked."

"How come..?"

"I mean, I always kinda like you too."

~~

Fastfoward a week or so later. She asked me out (well more of a virtual date, "do you wanna be offical?" type thing since it's pretty far away) and now we're here. I still pinch myself every time I see her "You're so adoreable, damnit." comments on my boards or stories, and my highlights are when I see "Eddie and Henry" calling me and when I jumped from my seat.

I hope our get together date didn't effect our outcome. I mean, I'm not an Talbian member with a plane license and she isn't a skyscraper, so I guess we won't fall apart.