Unlike most other people
I thought of math as simple
Yet here I am months later
Unable to add up the pieces

During the first hour we spent together
I convinced myself it was not a date
A shared umbrella, getting coffee
That's what romance books are made of
Small gestures led to a moment in my mind
Where I thought about the possibilities

My first party in this new city
Made me feel like it was New York
My eyes knew when you would walk in
You smiled when you recognized me
Then you kissed someone else
And I couldn't stop watching
I couldn't shut up about how happy I was
You showed me untried possibilities

Whenever we spent time together
I wanted to know you better
Whenever I knew I would see you
My anxiety went through the roof
But it was my constant companion
No wonder you were no exception

Another drinking game
Who are you into?
I dodged the question
Made it about your style
Did my heart skip a beat?
Let's say it's a possibility

Early summer days
You messaged me
I ran to catch the bus
Your head on her chest
My desire to experience this feeling
Didn't calm my irregular breathing

How much stalking is considered as legitimate interest?
Making an account on an app I swore I would never get just to watch your content?
There is a possibility that I took a few screenshots, because you looked so good

Each time I touched on this mess
I insisted we were better off as friends
Then I obsessed about your effortlessness
Do I want to be like you or with you?

I have realized you have some faults
You might not be the most reliable
But how much you love your little sister
Your openness and your generous heart
Your smile that always makes me laugh
Manages to erase the other half

Now I see that I could have given it a shot
I assumed you wouldn't want me
Who was I to make this choice?
I didn't know you well enough to decide what kind of girl you like
It's me who slaughtered all our possibilities

I learned a lot about myself through you
How much I adapt to the people around me
Maybe I wasn't always my true self
But you could draw me out of my shell
I hope you treasure the polaroid you kept
You captured my most genuine smile

You have the gift of seeing people for who they are
Even before they recognize themselves

I will always remember
Warm sunlight on my face
The last notes fade away
Your stars on my arms

You are my portal
To my free, stupid, careless, young self

I never thought I'd be bad at accepting it

The possibility of liking a girl.

[04.10.2023]