Recommended song: Billie Ellish - No Time To Die

SAN

It was a cold night in Seoul with millions and millions of stars shining brightly in the sky. I sat on the bridge over Han-river for a while and just admired the view. 

'It's beautiful, isn't it?' I asked myself and forced a small smile onto my lips even though I felt my eyes burning with tears. 

I hated how the only option I seemed to have was quitting life. I was broken on the inside and no one could put the pieces together even if they tried to. I still loved the person who pulled my heart out and I needed him to be by my side so I could stand up again. Sadly he left me for someone else but it was for the better. I would never be that good to him even though I loved him more than anything. I knew I wasn't enough and couldn't give him the life he deserved. 

I lit up my cigarette and inhaled the toxic fume slowly as if nothing mattered anymore. In my last hours I wanted to feel like I had nothing to lose, to be fearless of whatever was about to come. The river beneath me flowed calmly like an endless dark path I had to step onto. Hours passed by and I could only stare at the river debating if it was something I really had to do or it just seemed easier to escape my worries. I tried to step over the end of the bridge several times but I was too scared to actually do it as always. I never had the courage to do what my heart told me to. That was why I lost all of my friends and even my lover. Although Yeosang always said he was happy with me, I knew that he was just hiding his own feelings behind that sweet smile because he didn't want to hurt me. 

*flashback*

'Yeo.... What is he doing here?' I just got home from work and I knew something was off the moment I stepped into the apartment. I was right, a guy who I had never seen before was on top of Yeosang kissing him on our couch. I felt completely numb as I watched them trying to put a blanket on to hide themselves.

They probably didn't expect me to get home earlier because Yeosang's face was as pale as if he saw a ghost.

'This isn't what it looks like!' he desperately tried to defend himself but I already saw everything. 

'No need to explain yourself Yeosang, there's no point anymore' I turned around to leave the apartment even though I wanted to scream and punch something, or someone in particular but I knew that would just make it worse. 

'Sannie...' 

'Don't Sannie me ever again. Pack your stuff and leave before I come back. You have an hour' and with that I stepped out. It was the hardest thing to do in my entire life. The moment I closed the door behind me I broke down, tears started dripping down my face and wiping them didn't help either. I felt lost and alone, scared of what I'll be after Yeosang actually leaves me for that guy. I wished the floor would open beneath me and I would fall just into the darkness.

I didn't realize how much time passed until I heard the door opening next to me. The guy stepped out followed by Yeosang who looked like he cried as well.

'I... San... I never meant to.. you know. Hurt you in any way..I care about you'

'If you cared even just a little bit you wouldn't cheat on me. I loved you, I loved you more than anything...' my vision started to get blurry from all the tears again 'Just...leave...' Yeosang tried to reach for me, but the guy stopped him midway.

'Babe.. we should go' it took him a moment to step forward and leave me all alone. I went back to the apartment and looked around. Everything seemed to be normal but it felt so empty at the same time. 

*end of flashback*

'I should just do it' I said to myself and flicked the rest of my cigarette straight into the river. It disappeared in seconds without any trace. I wanted to be exactly like that, just fall into the darkness and let it wrap around me and never look back. 

I stepped closer to the edge holding the railing only with one hand, eyes fixated on the river. 

'Uhm... excuse me?' a voice sounded from behind 'Did you know that standing that close to the edge is dangerous? Like you can accidentally fall and die' he didn't sound concerned but i was probably wrong as always.

'I don't need a stranger's company so leave' 

'Hey don't be rude to me, I was just trying to be nice! There's no need to be an asshole' he stated but didn't leave. 

'What the fuck do you want? I don't know you and I don't want to talk so you can mind your own business and leave!' I was rather angry at the guy although he did nothing bad he just happened to be at the wrong place at the worst time. 

'But what if I want to talk to you?' he asked.

I turned back a little so I could see who it actually was. 'You really don't understand the meaning of no, right?' 

'I do understand it but I also know the look you have in your eyes way too well and that means I shouldn't leave you alone now'

. His eyes said he was serious about what he said but I turned my back to him one more time and didn't say a word. I stepped close to the edge, slowly letting go of the railing behind me so I could finally escape from everything. Just one more step and it'll be over. I told myself and I let my hand slip from the railing and took another step forward. Yes. This is it. You don't deserve to live. Just fall into the river and you'll be okay. My thoughts were too loud in my head I didn't hear him screaming for me I just closed my eyes and let myself fall into the darkness. 

Suddenly I felt a strong hand grabbing onto my arm and I was pulled back until my back hit something soft. What is this? I opened my eyes but I only saw the river beneath me. I felt another arm hugging my torso so strongly my lungs screamed for air. Slowly I came to my senses and realized the one who held me was the guy who randomly appeared before. I felt him tugging on my shirt and I heard him mumbling something but I couldn't make out what it was.

'What the fuck are you doing??' he screamed into my back still holding me strongly.

'I....' I couldn't answer his question. I felt numb and empty with no ability to speak.

'I told you it's fucking dangerous to stand that close to the edge!' he pulled me back over the railing to the sidewalk. 'I can't believe you wanted to jump! What if I wasn't here to save you?'

'It would've been easier' I said without any emotion in my voice. 'Please..just leave me' the guy let go of my body but he didn't leave like I asked him to.

'What's wrong? I can help you only if you tell me what is going on,' he stated even though it was clear I wasn't in the mood to talk. I decided it was easier if I stayed silent otherwise it would lead to uncomfortable questions.

'It seems like you need someone but you're so cold towards me for no reason. I'm trying to help you and you just push me away' he complained but his voice felt so far away for a second I thought he wasn't even there. I wanted to disappear and just be alone for a while.

'I don't need your help! Or anyone's help. I'm good on my own I don't need some dumb random dude telling me what do do. I'm not a child!'

'You are a child! You're throwing a tantrum because I didn't let you die like you wanted to. That's so childish! You're just an egoistic jerk and you don't care about anyone but yourself' his voice got louder with every word he said, making me flinch every time he looked at me. 

'You have no idea who I am. You're just a stranger and I don't owe you any explanation of my situation' I stood up dusting off my pants turning to the river again.

'I'm Wooyoung. There, I'm not a stranger anymore now tell me your name'

'No. We won't meet again anyway'

'You sure about that? I won't leave until I'm not sure you're safe' Wooyoung sat down next to the rails and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. 'Want some?' he offered. I hesitated for a moment but accepted it since he wouldn't leave anyway. We sat in silence for a while before he started talking again. 

'I don't blame you for not trusting me but as I said I'm here to help you with whatever is going on right now. Give me your phone' he extended his hand towards me. 'Don't look at me like I'm gonna kill you. I just want to give you my number' he smiled.

Slowly I pulled out my phone and handed it to him. In a few seconds he gave it back, the new contact showed up on the screen brightly. 

'I don't see why this was necessary' 

'If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be there in your contacts, It's not that hard'

Both of us went silent and just sat there until our thighs brushed together a little when Wooyoung snuggled closer.

'Personal space Wooyoung. Personal space!' I warned him but he was too stubborn to move. I gave up on trying to get him to leave long ago.

'Will you tell me your name?' he leaned a bit closer. I just shook my head. 

'No. We won't talk after this anyway there's no point' 

Wooyoung turned his attention to the lighter in his hand and started playing with it. He looked sad, even his constant smile turned into a little frown. Guilt started to build up in me. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

'San' I said but he kept looking into the little flame coming from the lighter.

'Mountain... it suits you. You are tall and it seems impossible to approach  you. And you're also cold like a stone'

'It's not that I'm untouchable but I get angry if people think they have the right to tell me what to do. Sorry' I inhaled another dose of the toxic fume and looked up to the sky.

'It's beautiful, isn't it? I used to climb up to the roof and watch the stars with...' the words got stuck in my throat and tears started to blur my vision. I missed Yeosang so much even though he hurt me. 

'You don't have to tell me I understand. When I went camping with my dad we watched the stars too. It was fun but we grew kinda distant when mom got sick and we barely even talk since then' he said, finally looking up while flicking his cigarette to the side. 'It's getting a little cold... are you down for a hot chocolate or coffee?' he asked as if that was the most normal thing for him.

'I... I don't know' It was definitely random and kind of weird at the same time. He seemed like a good guy but we didn't know each other. 

'It's better to be at a warm place than being out in the cold and and we can talk a bit more, like get to know each other'

For a second I thought it was a good idea to go with him but then I remembered how all of my friends left me when they found out what a mess I was. I was broken and already tried to quit life but I was too scared to actually put an end to my life. 

'I'm not sure you'd like to get to know me so thanks but no. I'm good here, alone. I need to clear my mind a bit' I confessed my heart feeling heavy as the words left my lips. I tried to keep my walls up and push everyone away as I usually did. I was better off alone anyway.

'I can wait until you're ready' he replied instantly 'just promise me you won't do anything stupid at least until we meet again'

Wooyoung rested his hand on my thigh as if he was trying to reassure me that he'll really wait until I open up to him but his touch was oddly cold so I pulled my leg up instantly.

'I don't know if I can promise that Wooyoung' I looked up and caught him staring at me. His eyes were deep brown looking straight into my soul looking for answers. 'I know I should be thankful to you for saving me before but I gave up everything already and I'm scared to turn back. What if I fail again? I've been through so much shit already and lost too much. I can't afford to lose even more' my tears started to flow again blurring my vision. 

'You can leave, I... I won't jump today' I said, lighting up a cigarette with shaking hands. Wooyoung stayed silent and eventually got up to his feet. 

'If you need to talk... just call me. Doesn't matter when, just call I'll be there to listen' he said dusting off his pants a bit. I just wanted to be alone for a bit and calm down. 'San' he called my name and I finally looked up to him 'I mean it. Call me anytime' I quickly gave a small nod before he turned on his heels and walked away. I watched him walking slowly on the bridge until he disappeared in the darkness. 

***

I pulled out my phone and stared at the lock screen for a while. It was me and Yeosang, smiling happily for the camera as if everything was fine. I was foolish to think a guy like Yeosang would want anything from me besides a good fuck. I should've known it from the beginning but I was too blinded by the love to see him clearly. He was never really on my side, always excusing himself if I wanted to do something together. I lied in my bed with a half empty bottle on my nightstand and a bunch of sleeping pills sitting next to it. I took some of it to numb my mind and help me to sleep but I was still wide awake. I lit up another cigarette even though I just finished the previous one. The smoke filled my lungs, leaving a bitter taste on my lips when I exhaled. 

I should just do it. 

I grabbed the bottle, the brown liquor swirling slowly as I drank. The alcohol seemed to numb my body slowly but surely and I knew it was time to fall asleep with the hope of never waking up again. 

I took the pills in my hand and swallowed them quickly, draining them with another shot of whiskey. I've lost track of the time completely. 

Was I stupid to love you? I asked myself but no one answered. 

Soon enough I felt dizzy and lightheaded so I laid down again. 

I want to sleep.

I looked at my phone again and for some reason I dialed the last saved number. Wooyoung.

It didn't even ring, he instantly picked up my call.

'San? Is that you?' he asked but I felt too tired to answer. 

'Hmmm' I forced myself to signal that it was indeed me. 'I...I took some..'

'What do you mean?' sounded from the speaker of the phone. 'San what did you take?'

'... pills. And...whiskey..and pills' I mumbled, unable to form a decent sentence. The line was silent for a while and I thought he hung up.

'Where are you? Give me your address,' Wooyoung demanded, sounding worried and scared at the same time.

'I don't...know' My eyes felt so heavy I thought it was better to just close them. I felt completely numb and cold so I tried to pull the blanket on my body but stopped midway. It didn't even matter anymore. 

'I'm scared' I forced out but I only heard keys jiggling from the speaker. 'Woo...I feel...alone' I felt so incredibly tired I closed my eyes again.

'San where are you? I'm on the bridge now but I don't see you anywhere!'

'...at...home..'

Wooyoung didn't reply, I only heard him breathing heavily which helped me fall asleep.

'San...where is home?'

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'San?'

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'Are you....San?! Are you still there?'

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'Mountain!!!'