9th☀

I wasn't able to move. As the seconds roll by, I found myself getting frozen in place. Tick. Tick. Tick. I wasn't even sure if this was real. 

Feeling in denial, I began examining the e-mail to see if it was official. But I knew it was true because I knew Seoul Hospital's official e-mail address. This was all real. No pranks whatsoever. This was real. 

I stumbled back, covering my mouth with my hand as I forced back the tears. With my other hand, I reached for my phone and began composing a message for Wonwoo and Mijoo to read. 

Sarang: something urgent came up. i can't go with you guys today. i'll see you two tomorrow in school. go ahead without me.

Mijoo: oh, okay. we'll see you tomorrow then. if you want to join us later on, we'll be at the ice rink nearby. see ya. 

I didn't have any more strength to reply to her message so I didn't. I leaned back on the swivel chair and forced back the sobs that could escape any second now. But I didn't want to disturb Dad's sleep by being noisy and crying. It was too bad this building didn't have a rooftop so I could quietly cry there.

Holding back as much as I can, I quickly left Dad's office and took the elevator down so I could run out of the bakery in the least obvious way. 

"Oh, hey, Sa—" greeted Hansol, but I left before he could finish saying my name. 

I left Love + Flour and tried to find another place I could cry in. There was no place better than home so I just headed there.

☀

Home was dark. 

Usually, despite the darkness at home, it never really felt dark to me. Because, if Mom was there at home, it wouldn't seem as dark. But now that she was... gone... It definitely felt nothing but dark at home. 

The moment I made it to the living room of the house, I crashed on the big couch located nearest to me and began quietly sobbing and before I knew it, I was wailing out all the pain with tears rolling down from my eyes non-stop. 

It was so obvious on how I would react. Even I predicted it. But the moment I feared has finally came, I'm afraid, and I was lost. What was I supposed to do now? It was as if life had no other meaning anymore. 

I flipped around, the tears rolling down my cheeks, still. I stared at the ceiling, inhaling deep breaths as I tried to calm down but I couldn't. 

I shouldn't have headed back home so early yesterday if I knew today was the day my nightmares become reality. Mom taking all those pills and medication didn't help her at all. I think they did, but they were only able to help her live a little longer. I shouldn't have taken all those times for granted by getting busy with school and friends. I should have spent even more time with her. 

I wanted to see her one last time before I finally accept the fate she has been unfairly given. Before I say goodbye, I want to see Mom's face one last time. 

Mom would be proud of me, I just know it. She's always wanted me to just live the way I've always lived, even if she passes away. I'm going to fulfill her wish and live my life without sadness... at least, that's the plan for now. 

☀

"Excuse me, but is Park Yong-kyun's body, um..." I gulped and stopped my hand from shaking as I continued my question, "...disposed already?"

The lady behind the front desk looked confused for a second before giving me a kind smile. "Disposed? We don't use that term here. We mostly relocate bodies to different rooms, that is, if they don't have a guardian to protest and take them. Some take the bodies of their dead loved ones to the graveyard, and so on. As for Park Yong-kyun's..." The lady began typing on her computer. "Ah, she's still in her ward. It's ward 231. Are you her daughter?"

I nodded. 

"Okay, just proceed there." The lady pointed at a hallway nearby. 

"Thank you," I said in reply before running off in the direction of the hallway. 

Ward 231, she said. Mom, don't worry. I'll do a proper goodbye. I'm sorry it had to be this way. 

As I came closer and closer to the ward Mom was in, the more I felt like crying. The memories of the both of us flashed before my eyes, slowing down my every stop to watch them. Mom was always there for me, let it be her sick state or not. She was someone I couldn't live without and someone I cherished dearly. 

I eventually stopped in my track and felt a tear roll down from my eye, sucking a sharp breath as I attempted to walk again. I was finally at the door of the ward and entered, eyes scanning to find out where Mom was. 

I saw a bed, third from the last and noticed that the blanket was over the head of the body. It was the only one like that and the very few patients that were here occupied the beds farthest away from it. 

I slowly approached it, my hands trembling as I pulled the blanket down to reveal Mom's lifeless face. Her eyes were closed and everything else was motionless. A few more tears dropped from my eyes. 

She looked so peaceful. This was probably the most peaceful I've seen her ever since she's been diagnosed with different small but painful sicknesses. 

"Mom?" I whispered, my voice sounding more like a croak. Clearing my throat, I tried again, "Mom, I'm here now."

There were no replies. That was obvious. 

My lips were trembling and I so badly wanted to cry right next to her lifeless body. "Mom, I'm sorry. I just want to apologize for every wrong thing I've done in the past first. I'm also thankful that you're my mom. I wouldn't have asked for a better one. I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't spend your last few hours with me. I'm sorry you have me as a daughter. I love you so much, Mom."

This farewell wouldn't be complete if Dad wasn't here. So I got out my phone and dialed Dad's number. He was probably still knocked out by the cans of beer but he had to pick up. For me and Mom. 

The line was ringing, but the chances of him being sober enough to pick it up and arrive in the hospital were very slim. 

The call finally got through, surprising me. What surprised me more was the voice of my dad, all sober and everything. "Hello? Sarang?"

"Dad!" I exclaimed, surprised. 

"Yes, Sarang?" he asked on the other line. 

"Dad, you probably already know the news about Mom..." I tried to sound unaffected, but every little word was hitting me in different areas. 

"You know about it?" Dad sounded surprise on the other end.

"Yeah, I do..." I didn't want to go through details about how, though. "Dad, come to the hospital. You're probably busy, I know, but this is the last goodbye ever. Don't you want to wish Mom goodbye? Before we never get to see her face up close anymore?"

Dad was silent on the other end. 

"Dad, I know, you'll probably use the excuse such as 'I've got work to do' just so you could avoid seeing Mom but I'm telling you, don't miss the chance. We've only missed out every other chances," I told him knowingly. "This is the last chance ever, Dad. Don't let it go to waste."

Dad still hadn't said anything on the other end. Then, after a full minute, he said, "I'll be there."

I could only smile a sad smile in return. "Okay, Dad. Hurry up, okay? Don't get hurt on the way here."

After ending the call with Dad, I looked over to Mom once again and sighed heavily. Caressing her hair, I told Mom in a whisper, "Don't worry, Mom. He'll be here."

☀

You know, the thing about goodbyes is that there's nothing always good about them. That's why people stuck to saying bye instead of goodbye. Saying goodbye was never good, so people stuck to byes instead. 

Right now, I wasn't sure if it should be a bye or goodbye. Dad was in front of me, crouching next to the bed of his dead wife, lightly crying. I was standing behind him, my hands tucked in front of me. 

Goodbye? Bye? Farewell? 

"Have you said your proper goodbyes to your mother, Sarang?" Dad asked after he got back up after standing—or sitting, I couldn't tell—crouched on the floor. 

I nodded. "I have."

Dad took my hand as he pulled me closer to Mom's hospital bed. "Let's say one last goodbye together."

I nodded at Dad and looked at Mom. "Goodbye, Mom. Live a peaceful life up there. Continue to take care of Dad and I, too."

Dad said his own goodbyes one last time as well and finally threw his arm around my shoulder, pulling me out of the room. He faced me and said, "I have paper works I need to settle with the hospital. For now, I'll be putting the manager of the bakery in charge as I prepare for your mom's funeral."

Hearing the word funeral made everything seem more real than it already was. 

"Wait here first, okay?" Dad said before he went his way. 

I sat down on the seats nearby and looked around. It was only a little after seven and the hospital was still busy-looking. But the area where I sat wasn't as busy as the ones nearby the entrance of the hospital. 

I sighed and placed my elbows onto my thighs before my chin touched the palms of my hands. I closed my eyes. They felt painful. I must have been crying a little too much lately. 

"Oh, Sarang?" a voice asked, sounding surprised. 

I opened my eyes again and saw a figure walking closer to where I sat. It took me seconds to finally realize who was right in front of me, smiling. "Hansol."

"Hi there," he greeted, casting me a small wave. "What are you doing here at this hour? You got sick or something?"

I shook my head. "Not me."

"Hmm, your mom? Your dad?" he guessed, taking a seat on the empty plastic chair next to me. 

"Not quite," I answered. 

"Hmm? Then what are you doing here?" Hansol asked, tilting his head to the side. 

"Oh, my mom passed away recently," I said, trying not to seem affected. "So my dad's here to do some paper work and I'm here waiting."

Hansol fell quiet and I could only imagine the shock received on his end. I'm sure I would have been the same if I heard my friend's mom or dad passed away. 

"I... don't really know what to say," Hansol said, scratching the back of his head. "I'm so sorry to hear that, Sarang. H... how are you taking this all in?"

I shrugged. "I guess it's okay. I cried my own share of tears already so I'm doing alright. It's not like you can live forever. Some people just leave quicker than the others."

Hansol bobbed his head. "From what you're saying, I can tell you're really mature about this. I respect that."

"Thanks," I said, unsure what else to say. "Now that I thought about it, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, me?" Hansol lifted up something in his hands. A few packets of pills. "Just picking up my dad's medicine. He's currently too busy to get it himself and I didn't have any other plans so I just helped him pick it up."

"Ah." I bobbed my head. "What a good son you are."

Hansol slightly frowned. "I know it's because it's recent but Sarang, whatever happens, I hope you don't fall into a deep depression."

"Excuse me?" I looked at him weirdly. 

Hansol shrugged. "You know what I'm saying, Sarang. Sometimes, people will be demotivated to go on with life once a beloved family member dies. I just hope you know that it's not enough of a reason to discontinue your life or harm yourself."

I half-smiled. "I know that, Hansol. Thanks for the concern, though. I'll try my best not to fall into a depression, I guess?"

"Don't guess. Just promise me you'll try not to with confirmation," he said with a smile, extending out his pinkie finger. 

"What are we, ten? Since when do we have to seal it with a pinkie promise?" I asked, slightly teasing him. 

"Oh, don't act that way, Cheon Sarang." Hansol grabbed a hold of my hand and pulled out the pinkie finger to intertwine his pinkie with. Smiling, he said, "If you're ever feeling sad, should I buy you some bread from your dad's shop?"

I managed to smile as I lightly nudged him. "I get that. I told you the similar type of words back then when you were crying really unmanly in the corner of Love + Flour."

Hansol nudged me back. "I get it. No need to humiliate me that far, Sarang."

I giggled. "Hey, thanks for making me feel better."

"I didn't do much, but you're welcome." Hansol smiled back. Then, he stood up and said, "I'm going to head back home now, Sarang. I'll see you around."

"Okay, I'll see you around." I gave him a small wave. 

Before Hansol finally left, he gave me a wave in return. Then, he was out of the door. 

The timing was amazing, really. After Hansol left, Dad came back and said, "Let's go home, now."

I smiled and linked my arms with him. Life would change from now on, I knew it. Because now Mom wouldn't be walking it with us anymore. But that didn't mean I have to stop walking in it. If there are no reasons to be happy, then don't stop being happy. Because when you're happy, a bunch of reasons why to be happy will come along. 

~Author's Notes~ 

Yeah, not the greatest ending of a chapter so far but nevertheless, hope you enjoyed it ^^

OH SHET GUYS SEVENTEEN DROPPED THEIR COMEBACK AND I'M IN LOVE WITH THE SONG! FREAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS AMAZING, SERIOUSLY! I WOULD FANGIRL MORE BUT I'M AFRAID TO GO OVERBOARD SO I'M GOING TO KEEP IT LIKE THIS

Oh, hello all my bias wreckers. I see Jun, Joshua, Vernon. Oh, and my bias list is a mess right now. I like Jeonghan. No, Wonwoo. No, Woozi. No, Hoshi. No, Dino. I... ??? WHO IS IT THAT I LIKE RN?! T.T 

(psst, here's a gift)

credits to Pledis Entertainment and my proud boys, SEVENTEEN <3

https://youtu.be/CNEeAaH3bFc