Summary: Sirius finally breaks, whispering an apology to James, wishing that things had turned out different.

Angst Warning: Angsty

Mature Warning: Depression and guilt

Ships: Starbucks (bromance), Sirius and Lily (bromance

If only I had looked away when you first met my eye at the train station. You and Lily would still be alive.

If only I hadn't agreed to be your friend when you asked me to. You would have found someone better, someone, who could have kept you safe.

If only I never got close to you, keeping you at an arm's length like I wanted to. You would have never seen how broken I was.

If only I never told you about the abuse going on at home and never took up your offer of going to your house when things got bad. You wouldn't have to keep the window open or worry about me or think that you had to look out for me.

If only I had turned away from you after that big fight. You and Lily would be alive and well.

If only I was smart and didn't make you choose Peter as your secret keeper. He wouldn't have betrayed you.

If only I came first when I knew something was wrong. But how was I supposed to know how bad it was?

If only I had kept my promise to you, taking care of Harry. He needed someone and I failed it. 

If only I didn't go after Peter like a mad man, hoping to kill him. Then I wouldn't have been sent to Azkaban and Harry would have me to turn to.

If only I tried harder. If only I escaped sooner. If only I was stronger. If only I ran from you when I should have.

If only I had never been born.