Disclaimer: This chapter touches on sensitive subjects, in particular, self h**m. If you are in a sensitive place, please do not continue reading. 

Aaron

I stood there like the stupid shit I was while she did everything. I was put in the same situation all over again and still nothing changed. I didn't change. I couldn't save her then, I can't save him fucking now. I can't do anything. I can't do anything right. For goodness' sake I couldn't even dial three numbers on the damn phone.

Even while my brother was on the floor, collapsed, not breathing, maybe dead, I just stood there like an idiot, I couldn't move. I don't understand. I told myself that it wouldn't happen again. I was sure that it wouldn't happen again. I sacrificed myself everyday and worked myself to the bone to make sure that it wouldn't happen again. I sweat blood, I cut myself, I worked. I wanted to give up, I wanted to die, but I cut myself and continued working. Where the hell did it all go wrong?

The sirens ring in my ear. The ugly smell of the hospital hits as I step in. That stupid fucking mechanical smell. The sound of the wheels rushing. The nurses yelling medical terms at me that I don't understand. The machines beeping and the doors locking me out of the room as they start the surgery. I'm shaking again. Buzzing in my ears. The same rusty, funky, hospital. Full of detergent. The doctors in the operation room. The world is spinning. Again, again. This cannot be happening.

I thought I was doing everything right. I made sure that everything was in place, so that he wouldn't have to go through it. I made sure I was the one suffering in his place so that he didn't have to face the reality of the world. I was so sure that he wouldn't be suffering the pain I was. I was so sure that he'd keep on living. I tried everything to make sure he had everything he needed to keep on living. So why was this happening all over again? What did I do wrong? Why did I not take care of him enough?

. . .

Tuesday, October 20, 2018

It was a normal day. It was supposed to be a normal day. The moment I opened the door to the house I knew something was wrong.

"Stay outside," I pushed James behind me, ignoring his whiny protests. ("I don't want to stay outside, it's so hot out here") I didn't know how I knew, I just did. It could have been that something smelt different, that the house smelt too clean. Or that there were less empty cups and plates on the floor. I didn't know how I knew. I just knew that something was very wrong.

Mum had never been the same since Dad left. The moment he left, that's when the world started to crumble. Everything we knew changed. Mum never smiled anymore, and she never hugged us or showed us any affection. We didn't even know if she loved us anymore. She treated us like we were invisible, like we weren't even there. James cried every night, asking me why Mum didn't love us anymore. Asking me why Dad left all of us behind. All I could do was hug him and lie to him that she did, she just didn't say it out loud, and that Dad would come back one day, until he went to sleep.

Our house became messier by the day, when I reached home the stench made me wonder why I bothered trying to clean up after all of us in Mum's place. The alcohol, no matter how many cans I threw away, the next day, there seemed to be more than the day before. The same was said for cigarette buds, littered all over the floor. James thinks that I took over Mum's position only after she left. Truth is, I took over her position since Dad left.

I could no longer have the life I wanted to have. I couldn't invite friends over, I couldn't even study in that place. But even when I stopped calling it my home, I still had to go back to that pigsty, because my brother needed me there. Who else would feed him? Who else would wash his clothes and pack his bag and make sure he brushed his teeth or bathed? The moment my grades started dropping because of everything I had to do, I dropped out. Dashing all of my hopes and dreams, the ones of becoming an art therapist or a teacher.

People called me rebellious, thinking I was a teenager that had gone off the rails just to annoy my family. But how could I rebel against my family when I barely had one anymore?

When I stared at my mother's lifeless body on the floor, in that pool of blood, I didn't feel anything. I just stood there, unable to say a word. My first thought was: 'I can't let James see this.' So instead of doing CPR to save her life, I dialled for the ambulance, left her on the toilet floor and spent the waiting time covering my brother's eyes. That was why my brother blamed me for his mothers death. I couldn't bear to let him see that sight. I couldn't bear seeing that. If I was struggling with seeing my mother who I knew didn't love us anymore on that asphalt floor, imagine my younger brother, only 14, seeing the one he treasured the most like that. I couldn't stand it.

"Mum!"James cried, while waiting with me outside the operation room. The nurse looked at me, pity written all over her face. I hated that face. I hated that look. I didn't need their pity. James tugged at my shirt and I looked at him.

"Aaron, will Mum be okay?" James locked eyes with me. Those wide, fearful, puppy eyes made my heart ache. At that point I didn't need her to be alive to be our mother. I just needed her to be alive for James. But I didn't hope for much, because I think she stopped loving us a long time ago.

"Yeah, she'll be fine. She'll be just fine..." That lie that left my lips was only one of the reasons why James started to loathe me.

I hated Dad. I hated Mum. I despised the both of them for leaving James behind, for being so selfish and leaving us in this hellish world. I hated them for bringing us into this hell in the first place.

I blamed them, for all that was worth, because it was the only thing stopping me from blaming myself.

Then James started hating me, and it didn't work anymore.

. . .

Saturday, October 20, 2018

It's my fault. I should've let her open the door. I should've gotten the keys to the door, or knocked it down with my bare hands. I should've made him come out and spend time with us. No, even earlier, I should've watched over him. It's all my fault. Why am I such a horrendous brother? I can't even look after him properly. I hadn't even noticed he wasn't okay when he was right there.

My hand is twitching again. I look down, and all I can see is her blood. It was everywhere. On my shoes, on my clothes. I went into literal chills. His blood will be on your hands soon too.

"I need...bathroom..." I murmur. I burst into the bathroom, hands gripping the ends of the sink. I'm not good enough. I'm a burden. I'll never be enough. I don't deserve to be his brother. I can't do anything right. I'm a bad omen. Everyone around me dies. I'm a horrible brother. I can't do anything right. I can't do anything right. I don't deserve anything I have. I don't deserve happiness I don't deserve friends I don't deserve to don't deserve hate love disgust loathing omen hate disgust worthless don't matter useless worthless stupid dumb burden die don't mother save father leave brother live

"SHUT UP!" I scream until my throat hurts. I scream until my lungs burn. I scream until I can't breathe. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled it out. Pain. Sharp, sharp pain. Tears sting my eyes. The voice softens. Ebbs away. My breathing rate is at its peak.

Huff...huff...huff...My head hung down low. Blood. Blood all over my hands. The blade on the floor. Why? Why? Is it...me? I felt lasers shooting down the back of my neck.I looked up. Two brown eyes are staring right at me. The girl. Her eyes wide as saucers. Fuck.

. . .

Daisy

"You...you're still bleeding.." Is all I manage to say. It's stupid, I know. But my brain is a computer that has just restarted, still laggy and not fully functioning. Feels like it's been stuffed with wool. So full until it's about to split. James is still in the emergency room.

His guardian...Both of them are hurting. What did I expect honestly? They were both... in the same household after all. We both stared at each other, not knowing what to say. The blood dripping from his wrist down his finger.

Maybe that was why he wore the jacket. Maybe he thought that it was too much for me. Then I realized what I had just assumed, and knew that he is as kindly as his brother, even though he doesn't show it. Now that I stop to think, which stranger would willingly allow someone to hug them, what's more, comfort them?

"You didn't see anything," he mutters, looking away. This time, it seems to be because he is ashamed.

"See what?" I say in reply, knowing that he has his own reasons for why he does that. I don't want to pry any further. Then I realise that I pressured him earlier, to reveal something that he didn't want to. Shame colours my cheeks.

"Thanks," he mutters and ruffles his hair.

"You're...his guardian?" I don't want to assume anything, which is why I keep calling him, 'his guardian'.

"Yeah. His brother. Aaron. Name's Aaron." His voice is all scratchy, like he is losing it.

"Daisy," This is an awkward time for introductions. Why didn't we do it earlier? Oh, right. I was sobbing my eyes out.

"You're his girlfriend?" he asks. Clearly, he isn't close to James. While I can't blame him for not knowing that his girlfriend just cheated on him today, he doesn't even know what his girlfriend looked like? Well, at least he knew he had a girlfriend.

"No, just his friend. He just broke up with his girlfriend," I want to inform him, but not to spill everything. The details are for James to give. Drip. Drip. I take out my handkerchief and tie it around his wrist. He flinches but doesn't pull away. Aaron... I think I know...

"You know...it's not your fault. None of it is," He scoffs at those words. Bingo. Self-blame is a black hole. Make a mistake, my fault. Someone else hurts me, my fault. Someone else's mistake? My fault. No forgiveness to myself, but to everyone else. The smallest thing, the smallest mistake, breakdown. I'm worthless. I'm horrible. Every small thing you do wrong just proves you're a bad person. It's a never-ending cycle. A never ending pit of darkness.

"You've been blaming yourself all this time huh?" I hug him. He isn't in chains like James. He is drowning.