Chapter 3: OPENING UP THE CAN OF WHOOP ASS

Having a psycho serial killer -who I thought wasn't even real- stand before you, ready to gut the shit out of you, makes you question a lot of things. Such as:

Why me?

How am I still alive?

Did I leave the stove on?

Wait, I don't use the stove.

I don't even cook.

I should take cooking lessons.

I'd probably set people on fire though...

I should take safety classes before cooking.

I'd probably set someone on fire there too...

You know what?

I should be a firefighter.

No, they stop the fires, not cause them...

Fuck it, I'll be an arsonist.

Burn motherfuckers all over the neighborhood.

I'll be named....

THE FLAMING TERROR.

Ladies won't resist it.

Wait, but I'm not a lesbian...

I'm not even bi...

Well, try new things, I guess.

How does that work?

Do girls just....like....WHAT DO THEY USE TO POKE?!

FUCK, MY LIFE IS AN ILLUSION OF SHIT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW DO I MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN?

Wait, what the fuck, I'm not even sixteen yet.

I don't even know how to make love to a man.

Well, not really.

Fucking Hentai....

Hormones.

Wait, wait, wait, I came up with something!

Whoremones.

Ha!

Wait...someone else came up with it?

Really? But I thought...

Dammit!

You know what?! This is what I get for being creative!

Fuck you, green...

Uncreative piece of shit.

Huh...

I feel like there's something important going on right now.

Oh, oh, now I remember!

THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN!!

Gosh, THANKS HENTAI!

"Ahem!" Jeff's deep, hoarse voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I said, "Oh, you're still here." He scowled slightly and clenched his grip on the hilt of his knife. Before I could continue my internal conflict, he suddenly shot his hand out towards me and harshly grabbed me by my shirt collar. "H-Hey!" I groaned, "Watch it...! You're man-handling Versace here!"

He stared at me for a while and then I scoffed, "Fine, you got me! ....It's Gucci.."

Jeff didn't seem to be fazed by my poor humor and slammed me up against the wall without any sort of emotion. I immediately thought my dad was going to wake up from the noise and I panicked. What if he comes barging in here and Jeff hurts him? Or worse, kill him?! I couldn't have that happen! As I was thinking, Jeff pushed his knife up against my throat and I sucked in a big breath. He put his voice down to a small hush and said, "Shhhh, don't talk. Just relax, and this will all be over. Say goodnight." He raised up his knife to plunge it into my chest but I quickly slipped out of my shirt and landed on the floor. Jeff was too late to react and he stabbed his knife into the wall. He glanced at my shirt, then at me, with a bewildered look. I smiled in triumph, but my joy was quickly taken away from me when Jeff flung my shirt at my face, which covered my vision, and he took this chance to shove me down and pin me to the floor.

I pulled off my shirt and pulled it over his face, making him growl and hiss at me in frustration. He pushed my hands away and the angered look in his eyes freaked me out. I managed to move around under him until I was on my belly, though giving him my back probably wasn't the best idea. He used my own shirt against me and wrapped it around my neck, yanking back which caused me to choke. I tried resisting his force but he just kept yanking harder and harder every time. I couldn't breathe and I was wheezing, trying to get some air back into my lungs. I risked getting choked harder and pulled my hands away from the shirt. I pushed against the floor, managing to lift Jeff up a few inches but it wasn't enough. This was a terrible idea. One yank was enough to get me seeing stars and I lost my strength to hold myself up.

I clawed at the floor and my hand stumbled across something. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw it was one of my shoes. At this point, I was desperate, so I grabbed it and threw it up behind me. My poor plan worked and I heard Jeff groan as the shoe hit him in the face. This gave me enough time to yank the shirt away, buck my hips enough for Jeff to fall over and I got on him this time. He grabbed his knife and went to stab me but I pushed his wrist away. He went to punch me with his other hand but I held that one back to. We kept pushing against each other, growling from the effort or in anger.

Jeff chuckled slightly and said, "Well, aren't you feisty...! Guess this is my lucky night...! I've been dying for an adrenaline rush!"

I groaned and remarked, "Ever heard of late night Cinemax, buddy?" He laughed at the insult and finally pushed me off and up against my bed. I winced from the hit and gasped as Jeff jumped at me. I moved my head to the side just as his knife hit my bed. I stared at the blade in shock and quickly crawled away. Jeff yanked it out and turned towards me, eyes blazing with energy. He stood up and chuckled insanely as he twirled his knife. I looked past him and saw my phone on my nightstand. If I can just grab it and end my subscription to Gameinformer then I'm Scott free! Oh, and if I can call 9-1-1 then I'll be okay too.

When Jeff came in to stab me, I slipped under his arm and leaped for my phone. Unfortunately, Jeff caught my other arm and started pulling me back. I resisted him and kept pulling myself forward so I could reach my phone. "Aw, come on, doll. Dying isn't as bad as it seems," Jeff teased. I ignored him and kept resisting him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jeff raise his knife to stab my arm. This boosted me to lunge out, grab my phone and shove myself into him to keep him from stabbing me. I knocked him to the floor and smirked. "Well, getting arrested isn't as bad as it seems, doll," I mocked him and he growled. Before he could get back up, I stomped on his chest and held him down with my foot. He flailed around and I stuck out my tongue at him just to piss him off. I quickly put in 9-1-1 on my phone and said, "Just one press of a call button and you're done for, you Clorox clown."

Just when I was about to press the call button on my phone, Jeff threw his knife into it, causing it to shatter and fall out of my hand. My heart stopped and the world seemed to slow. I stared at my hand and then down at the floor where the remains of my dear phone Richard lie. My eye began to twitch and a deep, sinking feeling was felt in my gut. I heard Jeff cackle and say, "What call button? Ha, ha, ha!!!" As he laughed and laughed and laughed at the death of poor Richard, I slowly turned to him, feeling utter vile within myself. Jeff eventually stopped laughing when he saw the look on my face and he froze. I grit my teeth and growled in a menacing tone, "You...You killed Richard. You broke him in cold blood...! And you laugh at his tragic demise?! Hell no! I will NOT allow you to laugh in the hour of his death! You're going to wish you didn't come to kill me. You came to the wrong house, motha fucka!!!"

Without any warning, I pounced on him and violently started punching him in the face. He yelled at me to stop but I didn't listen and I kept beating him up. Jeff shoved my hands away and pushed me off. He frantically got up and started making his way to my window when I jumped onto his back and knocked him over. He yelped once he hit the floor and I locked him up into a Judistsu hold. He groaned as I made some of his joints pop and he began tapping out. "There ain't no tap outs in my house, bitch!" I growled and he yelped. Somehow, he wiggled out of my hold and clawed at the wall to prop himself up. I clamped my hand around his ankle and yanked him back down. He screamed and kept clawing at my floor with a frantic look in his eyes. I grabbed him by the back of the shirt and raised him up above my head. "What the actual fuck?!" he exclaimed. I threw him down onto the floor and then jumped up to body slam him some more. Jeff kept screaming and flailing like an idiot as I put him into head-locks, Judo flipped him around and body-slammed him some more. I don't even know half the moves I was doing but they were working.

Eventually things got to the point where he was desperately hanging on to my window sill while I was yanking his pants off. "Things are about to get prison showers up in this bitch," I growled and he shrieked and whimpered as he shook his head. "No, no, no, no, no!!!" he squealed.

"Hell yeah, motherfucker!" I cackled. I grabbed a nearby sneaker and said, "Tell me, bleach bitch, how far do you think I can shove this up your ass before you start coughing up shoe laces for a week?"

"Aahhh!!!" he shrieked and started flailing even more. "Make that two weeks," I hissed and completely pulled off his pants. I threw them across the room and turned back only to see Jeff, whimpering and shaking, with small droplets of tears on the brim of his eyes. I stared at him with a weird look. He was practically a frightened puppy. I already have Butterstick, I don't need this guy around. I picked him up, draped him over my shoulder, opened my window and growled, "This isn't over bleach bitch. You wrecked my phone and you're gonna pay for doing that. From this day forward I'll be coming after your ass. And I will find you no matter where you run." Before I gave him any warning, I shoved him out of my window. I heard him scream and hit the ground with a loud thud and I waited a few moments before I heard the whining moan of pain sound out. I huffed, shut the window tight and sighed in relief.

Suddenly, I heard my door burst open and I turned around to see my dad holding a bat. "What's going on here?! Who's dying?!"

I gave him a look, "Really, Daddy?"

"W-What? What'd I do?" he asked. I walked over to him, turned him around and led him to his room. "Wait, where's the danger-?!"

"G'night Daddy," I told him nonchalantly and put him in his room then closed the door on him. I walked back into my room, feeling exhausted. Once I closed the door behind me, Butterstick finally came jumping up from his sleep and started barking loudly. I face-palmed and sighed out of frustration. "God damn this family..."

...

The next morning, before going to school, I took a bus to a place in town. I used my computer to look up a guy who I thought could help me out, right before my Wi-Fi suddenly went out and my dad informed me it wouldn't come back on for a while. So, I am most definitely pissed off.

The bus dropped me off to the place and I stepped off and walked up to the front of a flower shop. I walked inside and went up to the front desk, where there was a guy reading a magazine. I stood there for a while until the man noticed me and awkwardly flailed around to put the magazine away. "H-Hello, there, young lady!" he started, "How may I help ya?"

I looked at him up and down, noticing how a tall and sturdy guy with tattoos peaking out of his uniform, and wild tussled hair did not fit in with a bunch of daisies and roses. In a blunt tone, I asked, "Are you the bounty hunter I'm looking for?"

The man immediately shushed me and looked around. I hadn't even realized there were a few other people in here, who were looking at us skeptically. I looked back at the man and raised my eyebrow at him. He bit his lip and whispered to me, "Don't go saying things like that out loud, ya brat...! I'm not exactly legal."

"It doesn't matter whether you're legal or not, are you or are you not the bounty hunter-?"

"Shhhhh shhh shhhh! Jeez, come around back!" he said. I followed him around the counter and into the back room, where he waited. To my surprise, he went from ditzy flower shop employee to a stone cold one. "What the hell is a kid like you doing, looking for a bounty hunter?"

"I need you to find someone for me," I told him. He gave me a questioning look and said, "Oh yeah? For how much?"

"For about as much as Jeff the killer is worth," I said. His eyes widened and he ended up laughing. I frowned at this. "Kid," he started, "are you serious? Jeff the killer? Ha, ha!! You're adorable. Sorry, but I ain't hunting down some story."

"I have his pants and knife to prove it," I stated. The man gave me a weird look as I took off my backpack and opened it up to pull out Jeff's things. I handed them over and the man took them and examined them. "I know it's not exactly a good lead but those are his pants and his knife."

"Where the hell did you get these?"

"He came over for a late night visit. Didn't really end that well. For him..."

The man gave me a skeptical look and put Jeff's things on a supply shelf. He walked over to a trunk in the corner and opened it up to reveal loads of guns and knives packed nice and neat. "He better not be just a story kid, or I'm gonna be pissed."

I smiled and jumped up in excitement. "Awesome! So, how much would a guy like Jeff be worth in your line of work?"

"About ten thousand grand."

"Ten thousand?!" I exclaimed.

The man nodded and crossed his arms. "But, I'll do it for free."

"Great-!"

"On one condition," he added. I got a bad feeling from this as he looked at me up and down with a smirk. He stepped up to me and I looked up at him. He was pretty fucking tall...and built. He placed his hand on the top of my head and said, "You will..."

|A Few Minutes Later|

"You fucking kidding me?" I muttered as I was washing the front windows of his shop. He shrugged as he sipped on a soda. "The glass gets a little dirty, kid," he explained and I rolled my eyes.

"You missed a spot," he said.

"Where?"

"Here," he said as he smudged the glass with his finger. I gasped, "You sonuvabitch...!"

He grinned deviously at me and then asked, "I never caught your name, kid."

I cleaned off the smudge he made with a huff and replied, "Its Camryn."

"Well, nice to meet you Camron-."

"Cam-!"

"The name's Elliot. Glad to have you wash my windows every week."

"Wait, what-?!"

"Happy washing!" Elliot said, waving at me as he walked back inside.

"W-Wait," I called out, "Dammit, I'm gonna be late for school! Ugh!" I just kept washing the windows. Looks like I've got myself a job. And also a bounty hunter on my side. Well, shit. This is the most productive I've ever been in my life. But knowing that that bleach bitch, Jeff, will get his ass handed to him someday brings joy to me. Richard's death shall be avenged without mercy!

"Ya hear that Jeff!" I exclaimed aloud, "Your ass is mine! Mine, I tell you, MINE!!!"

A lady and her kid walked by me. She pulled her kid away and I yelled at them, "Oh like you haven't heard a teenage girl scream in revenge before!!!" They quickly walked away from me and I huffed. People these days. So inconsiderate.