"Alright I'll see you on Monday." June March closed her locker, pulling her backpack onto her shoulder as she started towards the school exit. She sent one more smile over her shoukd as she walked away from Erika Harris from 4th period, June relieved that school was over for the day.

The consequences after her disappearances had come back to bite her in the ass, and  she had only just now caught up in missing work in all of her classes. Not to mention the principal was eyeing summer school, but at this point she would do whatever she had to to get back on track.

She pushed the doors open, the skirt of her uniform inching up her thigh, leading her to look down and fix it. In the process of this she checked the time as well, knowing she had about an hour before her appointment. Her therapy appointment. June looked back up and felt a jolt in her heart,  her eyes widening when she realized who was standing not even 20 feet from her.

Her mouth dropped open and she hurried towards the black car parked at the edge of the sidewalk, her head turning left and right as she looked to make sure no one was witnessing this.

"What the hell did I tell you about pulling up this close to the school?" Rafe Cameron lifted his hands in surrender as she grabbed him by the sleeve, pulling him around to the drivers side of the car instead of where he had been leaning on the other side. "Get in—get in the car."

She pulled his car door open, shoving him towards the door and then shaking her head as she rounded the other side and got in. He was snickering at her harshness, the girl punching him the second she got into the car and settled.

"I told you—"

"I know what you told me. I just wanted to see how you'd react." He shrugged, June rolling her eyes at his admittance of trying to get a rise out of her. He watch as her blood boiled and then he reached across the center console, dropping a hand on her thigh and making her eyes instantly follow it. "Relax...nobody was around. And besides...I kind of like being your little secret."

"It's not that you're a secret, it's just that everyone I know hates you." June grabbed his fingers and threw his hand back across the console, Rafe not letting this bruise his ego. He put the car into drive, starting down the street and towards their destination.  They sat in silence for a few minutes, June pulling the visor down and applying chapstick in the mirror.

"So how was school today sweetie?"  June let out an unamused hum at his question, rubbing her lip together before answering him.

"It was alright dad. Thanks for asking."

"Don't think I don't like that." She groaned as she closed the visor, shaking her head as a disgusted look covered her face.

"God you can be so gross sometimes." He laughed again and she actually shared in the laughter, the air between them rather light. Rafe pulled up to the building and parked the car in the lot, his eyes dropping to the clock on the radio and then shifting to June who was looking out the window. "What did you say Dr. Michael was talking about last time?"

June had made good on her promise to Ward, Rafe had been attending therapy sessions for the past 3 months now. In an effort to better herself and to make sure he actually went, she had managed to schedule her own appointments at the same time with a different doctor, hence the carpooling. Pride was an understatement when she looked at him, whatever the feeling was making her beam with it. It was rather healing to see bits and pieces of the old Rafe now. She no longer worried for her safety around him, at least not here lately, he had regained her trust to the extent that her cautionary heart would allow. And the snarky, irritatingly charming asshole she used to know had made a reappearance, something that helped a lot in her own journey.

"Dr. Michael was giving me coping mechanisms for my anger and we were discussing self worth." It felt like a breath of fresh air to know she had done something right for the first time in a long time. They talked lightly until it was time to go inside, June making sure he went in the door before she walked towards her own. Dr. Mary Holtz was hers, a levelheaded woman with an interesting style and a quick mind. June always felt validated in her presence. She hoped Rafe felt validated in Dr. Michael's sessions.

"How are we feeling today Ms. March? Feeling well I hope?" June took a seat on the couch, nodding her head as she relaxed into the cushions. She found it essential that she relaxed, because when she did she found it easier to open up.

"I'm feeling fine." June knew what the next question from the doctors mouth would be, so she went ahead and started thinking about how she would answer it, her head falling back on the cushion as she tried to think.

"And what's bothering you today, if anything?" She mulled over the day in her head, trying to think of anything had bothered her. She thought back to first period when some kid was shouting too loud, third period when she had realized she had forgotten some homework, lunch when she could hardly eat because of how heavily her thoughts were impairing her. But what about her thoughts had kept her from eating? What was she thinking about?

"I saw uh...I saw Zach today. And for the first time in awhile he wasn't wearing a cast or a brace or anything. And he was—he was walking fine. He walked up to me like there was never anything wrong." June swallowed hard when she thought about how he had walked up and they had talked, how he had made plans to come over for movies like he often did and she had agreed with bile in her throat looking at him bootless and castless and crutchless.

"And how'd that make you feel?"

"I felt sick. I felt sick seeing him finally back to normal." She stared up at the ceiling and the doctor scribbled in her notebook, June feeling an unknown pressure in her chest cavity.

"And why do you think you felt that way?"

She let out an exasperated sigh, the breath flying past her lips as she considered the question. However she knew the answer,  letting it out slowly.

"Because it's my fault he only just now got better." Dr. Mary  nodded at this, scribbling in her notepad again and then crossing her leg over the other. She looked up at June and the March girl was prepared for what she was going to say, hoping that she would talk some sense into her and make this feeling go away.  Yet there was something else deep down that bothered her, the same issue but a different reason.

"Did you push him off of that tower?"

"Well no but I—" Dr. Mary cut off the self-loathing attitude she was about to present, giving her a half smile as she spoke.

"Then it's not your fault." June sometimes had a hard time accepting things the doctor said, especially when it went against an already preconceived idea in her head. The girl looked down at her hands, fiddling with her fingers as she swallowed that information. There was a stirring feeling in her chest, her body processing the weight lifted off of her from that just as much as her mind was. There was an instant guilt when she thought about who was just in the next room, who she spent a decent amount of time with...the man who did push Zach off the tower. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the guttural feeling that she couldn't seem to control. There was something else, something else about Zach being okay that she just couldn't put her finger on. "Anything else on Zach?"

June sucked in a breath and revisited the promise she made to herself, no secrets...she would attempt to cultivate her feelings into words so she could get help for them. She stumbled through hundreds of words in her head trying to describe what she was feeling but all that came up was a jumbled mess. She still attempted to say it, hoping she could decipher what she really meant.

"Seeing him—seeing him okay felt like...felt like a part of me was missing or—or gone. When he walked up to me it was like my life before any of that stuff happened, it was like I actually went through what I did. And it's not his fault at all. I'm happy for him that he's okay, and I know I sound selfish saying this stuff but I don't know...seeing him today made me feel so distant from my life a few months ago." Dr. Mary listened intently and then at the end she gave a small smile, June looking at her and wondering what she could be smiling about. Clearly she had found the underlying meaning of all of this and now it was a waiting game if when she would tell her.

"It sounds to me like you just realized today that you moved on. And when you realized that that big part of your life, all that danger and trauma was over, then you freaked because maybe you're not ready for that to be in the past. Theres something that you're struggling to let go of but your subconscious is already getting over. I want you to know that it's okay to move on. And sometimes there's guilt that comes with getting better...but you have to know that you're responsible for yourself. And you don't deserve to suffer just because everyone else is."  June felt a weight drop on her shoulders at the doctors words, her eyebrows furrowing as she searched for words. She had none, unable to speak in light of what she had said. June thought she was right, impressed that she could conclude with exactly what she was feeling, even when June didn't know herself. 

The doctor looked down and started to write in her notebook, looking back up only a moment later with a pleasant smile and a new set of questions.

"How's your relationship with Rafe this week?" In the synopsis of her story she had to move some things around, but the doctor definitely got the gist of just who Rafe was and what he had done to her. It was significant trauma, and so they had a Rafe conversation in every single session. June shook her head and looked down, always feeling like she was going to be ridiculed for saying things were okay. The doctor obviously never did that, but June was projecting.

"I really think he's getting better. And—and we're working on boundaries like you told me. He struggles with them sometimes because of his feelings but I don't just let them slide anymore, I tell him when he does something that crosses a line or makes me uncomfortable and he actually listens now."

"Good."

"And when I'm around him I don't feel afraid anymore, at least not the way that I used to. He just...here lately he reminds me of the him I fell in love with a few years ago. Everyday he gets closer and closer to that person I know instead of whatever he was." The doctor nodded and felt that was a good enough note, knowing that June would defend him to the ends of the Earth even if she showed up in here with bruises and a black eye. It wasn't the healthiest thing, which was why the doctor was working in boundaries.

"Okay sounds good. And what about Sarah? How's that going?" June felt a jolt in her heart at the mention of Sarah, a smile crossing her lips. When June wasn't at school or in therapy or with Rafe she was spending time with Sarah. She  spent so much time with Sarah, that the aroma that the Cameron girl let off was slowly being adopted by June, and she didn't mind that. Sarah Cameron and June March were two peas in a pod, and it felt strange having such a close friend when she had never had one like her before. Things were fine, things were great even. It was one thing to be in love but it was another thing to have someone love you unconditionally. Sarah was that person.

"Things are good. Really good." June said, condensing her thought into the sentence. June felt like she knew what was coming, her stomach knotting as she was about to get her dosage of thinking about someone she didn't want to think about.

"Alright that's great. So let's get into it then." June closed her eyes briefly and then put on a tight lipped smile, knowing that the next person she would ask about would hurt her.  "Have you seen JJ recently?"

This was an interesting question because the answer was yes and no. She had spent time with her friends of course but JJ was not her friend, and when they were together now they did not speak. It was the same with Kie, they would sit in the same rooms and laugh at the same jokes, but they wouldn't speak, they'd hardly even look at each other. Every time June looked at JJ it hurt, even now after everything was over, she still couldn't help but get that feeling in her chest. She chalked some of it up to the fact that she had never expected him to hurt her that way, whereas Rafe was unpredictable, but she knew that he would do anything for his love for her. In reality she had only seen him a total of once or twice in the last 4 months since that night at Sarah's apartment. They seemed to be on the same page about not wanting to see each other. It had probably been a whole month in itself since she had been in the same room as him.

"I don't want to talk about him today. Can we move on?"

"Yes we can move on. But may I ask why you don't want to speak about him?" June knew exactly why, she had traced it back to an interaction from that last time seeing him. It had been haunting her for days now, creeping into her head in the silent moments. They had been at Popes house, everyone laughing and talking. Someone had cracked a joke about JJ and  he was quick to defend, and within a millisecond of forgetting they weren't friends, that they were nothing, he asked June for backup. The conversation had quickly changed due to Popes involvement, no one wanting to ruin the mood that way. The June and JJ subject was a sensitive one, and mostly everyone in the group walked on eggshells around them.  June had dwelled too heavily on the moment, a single slip up that reminded her of all of their history, just how much  trying to move on really hurt. She would wake up every morning now and her broken heart wouldn't be the  first thing she thought of. She was moving on from him, and a part deep down inside of her was trying to hold on. The grip was loosening by the day, especially because she  spent every moment of her time occupied by something.

"Just not in the mood today."

"Alright that's fine. We can circle back next time." Dr. Mary pushed a hair behind her ear, looking down at her notepad and then looking back up at June.

"What about those symptoms I've been telling you about? You experiencing any of those?" The symptoms. June knew that the doctor was walking on eggshells around diagnosing her with something,  but at this point June wanted so desperately to know what was wrong with her.  They hadn't spoke of the symptoms in two months, clearly she wanted to get a feel of them.

"My symptoms....yeah I'm still having nightmares like you said."

"And what's happening in these nightmares?" June shook her head slightly, feeling like her throat was blocked. Her breaths slowed as she thought about the nightmares...what did happen in them?

"The nightmares only started when I got drugged, when Tyler took me to South America. It's almost like—it's not even a dream most of the time it's just reliving what happened when the boat flipped. Or sometimes I sink for hours in the water and I scream and scream and no one can hear me. And sometimes I'm tied up and crying and even now when I'm awake I'm looking over my shoulder and these images will flash in my head and I'll see it all over again. All the bad things. Never anything good. And sometimes it  gets so hard to breathe when I'm reminded just a little too much. And I've got to focus on my senses and trying to calm myself like you said." Dr. Mary was scribbling along her paper, Junes words clearly meaning something.  She left out the part where Singh was there all the time, that pool of blood on his shirt, the red streaking down his chin. The hand that reaches out for her.

"And then you feel guilty?"

June sucked in a breath and then nodded, her eyelids fluttering as she tried to separate herself from these terrible thoughts. She did feel guilty. She felt guilty every second of everyday, her heart pounding in her chest. She had trouble separating herself from the conversation today, feeling an influx of emotions all at the same time as Dr. Mary nodded back and then wrote something else down on her notepad. It was sudden by June felt an overwhelming sensation that she needed air, that stuffy feeling she often got making her feel like she couldn't breathe. She must have made a face or something because the doctor seemed to notice, the woman taking her glasses off and folding her hands over her notepad.

"You need some air?" They had gone through this routine before, June quickly nodding and the doctor gesturing towards the door. June tried to walk as calmly as she could while holding her breath, her lungs screaming for air. She made it to the front door of the building and instantly dropped onto the curb, sucking in a deep breath of the crisp air and trying to regather herself. The January cold nipped at her skin and she waited to pull her jacket tighter around her, her face dropping into her hands as she felt her lip tremble.

She wasn't entirely sure what had brought this on, her brain flooding with terrible and awful thoughts. This happened often, and it was getting worse everyday, and yet she chose to me ever speak about these  episodes in her sessions. Dr. Mary seemed to be catching on though, June needing some air more often than not. 

She sat on the curb for awhile, breathing into her hands and trying to clear her mind of all of the vile things it could come up with. The door to the building opened behind her and she tried not to seem too upset, the girl sniffling and sitting up, pulling her jacket on better and letting out a breath. Her face was flushed and she looked awfully pale, June hoping that whoever it was wouldn't ask her if she was okay.

The sound of footsteps shuffling towards her filled her with dread and then whoever it was took a seat on the curb right beside her, her head instinctively turning to see who it was. Rafe Cameron gave her a worried look and a frown, June letting out a sigh and looking back out at the road. His hand slid from his side to around her shoulders and he didn't say anything, which was almost exactly what she needed.

While his mind was clearing up, it became easier for him to see just how blurry hers was, the more time they spent together giving him serious insight on how she actually was. His own guilt was boundless at the fact that he had contributed to pushing her into this situation, his own hands had marked her forever and he knew he could never forgive himself for it.  He was trying as hard as possible, harder than he had ever tried to keep his sanity in tact. She seemed so proud of him all the time, he didn't want to fail her. But more often than not he would have malicious thoughts sneak into his head, and it take every bit of his strength to not act on them. Thoughts of the other Pogues and his sister. Things he could do for revenge. He spared them for her, knowing she would not be able to forgive him again.

They sat there on the curb for awhile, Rafe just looking at her while she just looked out at the road.