I'm actually like oddly proud of this version.

I personally really like this one and I feel like it's a large improvement to the other one.

It's not necessarily good, but it is a lot better.

Please let me know what you think of it.

If you've read the other one feel free to let me know which one you prefer or which one you think is better.

This one is written completely in third person by the way, so you don't have to deal with so many different POV changes, or the fact that I was going from first person to third back to first.