für alle, die das lesen und die beschreibung noch nicht gesehen haben, hier wird sie wiederholt:

TW eigentlich nur verarbeitung und beschwerden über mein leben und meine struggle mit mir selbst und der ganzen scheiße, weil ich nicht weiß, wie ich sonst damit umgehen soll
erwähnung von transsexualität, selbstzweifeln und vielleicht sowas wie schlechtem essverhalten
und höchstwahrscheinlich noch anderer scheiß
aber bitte.

i'm sick of having a female body. i'm sick of not having a deep voice. i'm sick of people calling me a girl, using the wrong name and pronouns and nicknames. i'm sick of not being able to hide my body, only having big hoodies and tshirts, that don't help very much.

i'm sick of hearing people talk about me, using she/her. i'm sick of not being able to tell them to shut up because they're wrong. i'm sick of that whole shit.

i'm sick of not being sure, not knowing anything, questioning and thinking i'm faking it.

i'm scared of other people telling me i'm wrong.

i'm scared of other people telling me i insult them with sharing my thoughts like that because they've experienced different things.

i'm scared that this will insult them. or that i say things that make them feel uncomfortable because i don't know better.

i'm sick of struggling. i'm sick of thinking i'm doing something wrong all the time.

i'm also sick of looking at people and seeing how pretty/handsome they are.

i'm sick of seeing a men's breast and start crying because i don't look like that.

i'm sick of not knowing if i fcking am trans or not and not being able to love myself.

i'm sick of telling people i'm just tired when i'm only trying to hold back tears. but i'm also not sick of that. because i probably won't open up to them so why would i want to stop doing that?

i'm sick of not knowing what i actually want.

i'm sick of trying to eat not very much to get thinner to look more masculine because maybe those fcking curves would go away. maybe only a bit.

i'm sick of not even being hungry anymore because i trained my body to not expect breakfast and sometimes lunch.

i'm sick of getting a stomach ache when i eat more than usually because my body isn't used to that amount of food anymore.

i'm sick of not being sure if i talk complete bullshit.

i'm sick of having breasts. i'm sick of knowing, that i can't take them off like a necklace when i don't want them anymore.

i'm sick of everything.

i'm sick of  myself.

i'm sick of people telling me shit just needs time.

because i know they're right.

and i hate that.

because it's fcking hard.