"I'll be back, I promise."

You lied, mum. You left me alone.

Why?

She is greeted by silent screams and tears rolling down her cheeks when she comes to.

Oh. I'm awake.

Ruby stays motionless under the covers, staring at the dark in front of her eyes. It's hard to move, despite knowing full well that the day has started and sunlight is already threatening to spill into her bed. It's the weight on her chest that pushes her down, gravity pulling at her shoulders and the thoughts in her mind telling her to stay put, and then the next moment she's falling, falling, falling-

"Ruby Rose, get up already! You're going to be late for classes, you dunce!"

Today is a bad day.

She forces her eyes open and looks at Weiss through heavy lashes that seem to be weighed down by an intangible mass.

"Wha-What time is it?" she asks. There it is. The strain of pushing her usual cheer into her voice. Ruby is positive that she won't get through the day without having someone ask her if she's alright. She isn't.

But she's got a responsibility now. It isn't about you anymore, she had told Jaune. It's about your team, too.

So she shoves down her tears and looks at Weiss properly as she belts out yet another string of insults and throws her skirt at her bed. She can't afford to lose her composure, not when she's a leader now.

"Oh, it's that late?" she exclaims, pulling the skirt Weiss had thrown at her and slinging it over her shoulder as she pulls the covers away from her and jumps down. "Why didn't I wake up earlier?"

"Because you were so deep asleep you didn't hear the alarm, dummy," Weiss retorts, rolling her eyes. "Now, go get changed and then we'll go have breakfast, alright?" She puts her timetable into her pocket and walks out, Blake following behind her.

Alright. She can probably handle changing and getting to the dining hall without breaking down.

She shrugs her pyjamas on and starts putting on her clothes, but with every movement she makes, she finds it increasingly difficult to do so.

Why did you leave me to fight this battle alone?

The question hangs above her mind like a cloud, only this time it's a cumulonimbus cloud that's turning into a tornado and all of a sudden her lungs are constricting and she can't think properly and-

"Sis?"

Ruby turns around to see Yang staring at her with concern written all over her face.

"You've been trying to change for five whole minutes now. Are you okay?"

"Nah, I'm fine!" she belts out. "What makes you think otherwise?"

"I never said I was thinking otherwise," the taller girl says. "Are you sure you're fine?"

Ruby gives her a thumbs-up and pulls her blouse over her head.

"Yep, definitely! New day, great mood, happy me!"

Yang raises an eyebrow at the statement, but doesn't question her any longer. "We'll see you outside, then!"

"Sure thing!"

The moment the door clicks shut behind Yang, Ruby sighs. The room sighs back at her in a quiet echo of sympathy.

"I'm doing a bad job at this, aren't I?" she asks the air. It doesn't reply.

She pulls on her cloak, fastens Crescent Rose to her waist, and takes a deep breath.

Then she walks out of the room.

—

"In the field, one should always make sure to stay calm and look out for the enemy's weak spots before..."

The rest of Professor Port's words blur into white noise.

She can't focus.

Okay, she's never been able to focus properly during lessons before.

This time, however, the apple and spoonful of cereal she'd had for breakfast now swim in her stomach, freestyle, kicking up a wave of nausea that just keeps washing over her - just like the other times the weight of guilt and frustration had sunk onto her abdomen. She can't concentrate, not with the earthquake shaking up her emotions on the inside.

But she's always been one to pay no attention to what the professors had to say during their lectures.

This should be easy.

She slumps over the desk and, picking up her pencil with as much effort she can possibly muster at this point in time, shakily marks seven words in the corner of her notebook.

Please, let me out of this nightmare.

—

The last class of the day is a sparring class.

Ruby isn't sure she can make it through the rest of the day, really, because all she wants to do now is throw up whatever bit of lunch she's had and lie in bed for the rest of the week.

Preferably for the rest of my life, she allows herself to think, sourly, but promptly shakes it out of her head.

She is paired up with Nora, and all she can think is a string of curses.

When the battle commences, Ruby stands in the middle of the arena, Crescent Rose heavy in her hands and Nora's excited babble ringing in her ears. She can't fight, not in this condition.

It's not about me now, though.

She pulls her eyes away from the haze they were suspended in and tries valiantly to focus on the girl running towards her, Magnhild raised and ready to strike.

Concentrate, Ruby! Just a bit more, and you can pass out for all you or anyone else cares!

She shakes her head - once, twice, and then she's sprinting at Nora on unsteady legs and her weapon pulled above her head, aimed at the other girl. She sees the other girl smirk, and before she can even comprehend what's going on, she's pinned to the ground, the wind knocked out of her lungs and a very concerned Nora staring at her from above.

"Ruby? Are you okay?" she asks.

Ruby feels numb. She doesn't know what else to feel. Anything other than fine and alright and well.

All she really wants right now is to fall into her mother's embrace and soothing words telling her that it will be all right and she will be back, and this time she'll keep her word and she'll really, really be back home the next time Ruby raises her head to watch the door swing open from the table she's sitting at.

But nothing she wishes for will come true. The dead don't rise back to life no matter how many times you pray for them to come back to you.

So she smiles. It's all she can do.

"I'm fine!"

—

I wrote this at 1 in the goddamn morning when I still couldn't get myself in the right mood to write angst (because it's the best I can write about), so I apologise if it's not angsty or good enough. I probably projected too much of my own experiences onto poor Ruby, I'm not sure, but hope you enjoy.

(for Vulpes_Darksider)

-jingx