there is this one moment I am always tempting myself to write about, but i'm never quite sure how to or I am scared if I do I will never quite be able to capture what it meant and still means to me, but after reading @seasofme 's it has given me the push I need to at least try. I am sitting here now, still not knowing how it will turn out and whether I will post it at all. I guess I will just have to start and see how it goes...

I remember walking beside him (of course this involves him) and we were doing something everyday ordinary, strolling down the street and this gesture that sticks with me to this day a motion so small and almost unrecognisable, happened. I was wearing a shoulder bag across my right shoulder and the strap slid off, falling down my arm...still holding the bag as usual between myself and my right arm,  before I even noticed that the strap had fallen (it could have been off my shoulder one minute or a day) I felt his stride slow down and then he turned towards me, his face looking down... i'm not quite sure of his expression, a mix between concern and concentration and I watched him curiously as he lifted the strap of my bag and place it back on my shoulder assuring it was secure and then we carried on walking our everyday ordinary.

Although now I was overwhelmed, floating, not walking in much of a fashion at all and trying to hide my emotions that were literally begging to burst out of my body. I can feel it now building up as I am thinking about it! I remember wondering about how I didn't feel the strap falling at all and his instinctive way for me, how he could notice and care so much about it to place it back, his unawareness of how this meant so much to me and to do this within the blink of his eye. I just wanted to grab hold of him as tightly as I could, I do now with the thought. I'll never be able to grab as much of him as I want, maybe it's not a possible feat to get. I've tried. And I hate that, and I love that and I don't think I have ever felt so secure and safe in just one moment as I did then. How something that could have easily been missed or may seem insignificant to some, made me feel so cherished and how I did not want to tell him that I had noticed that he had done this because I wanted to keep that moment all to myself and not spoil it by making him aware. I wanted there to be a next anticipating unanticipated time and it came, it came, unexpectedly as always, it always happens when I haven't thought about it in a while, which is perfect, I think. Now each time he does it I am not conscious of the strap falling still, but I am in awe of his same reaction (he always seems to make sure) even though he's unknowing that makes it all the more for me. It has me feeling sick with love, desire, longing, safety, belonging and anything else that is taking me out of myself in his one small motion and how I will never never never tell him the effect this has on me because I would hate to lose his natural response to the slip of my strap, the smallest thing that can make my day.

hmmmm.

The media song is on a mix tape of his for me from almost 9 years ago.