"I want to dust every corner of you as if you are an old house. I will make it shine, just like new. it will be beautiful. beautiful enough for me to live in.
i want to see every picture and photo album. I want to see you in your purest form. I want you to nag at me and constantly talk to me. I cherish every word and I cherish every piece of dust in every corner. I will love you no matter what happens or what unveils. "
you said
"no, please, you don't understand. it's not beautiful. I've tried before, people just don't like the rooms." I said
"I'm different. you can't close doors on me"
"I don't want to open them"
" I already love you no matter what's inside. let me love you for who you are. "
"but I worked so hard on making the outside look nice. it's polished and just how I like it. trust me, the inside is messy and ugly, you don't want to see it"
"I want to see every corner. "
so hesitantly I opened my doors for you. they creaked loudly as dust rained down.
"have these ever been opened?" you asked.
"never. " I responded.
so I took your hand and led you to every corner. I showed you the rooms I made especially for you and I even opened some of the darkest ones. I took your hand and you dusted off some things as you passed and even picked up some glass shards from broken windows. you flipped through photo albums and you wiped the dust off of old pictures that I forgot existed. but as I led you farther and farther down the dark halls your grip loosened. you coughed and sputtered as you walked and even though you were right next to me, we couldn't be more far apart. You were a million miles away but your arm grazed mine. I asked you questions and you ignored me. That's when I knew I lost you. Soon I was desperately pushing you along, I wanted you to come back. I love you I love you I love you I love you more than fucking anything and I'm so sorry for opening my doors. 

Then you stopped and started staring at the yellowed walls. you gently fiddled with the peeling wallpaper and then, you started crying. through tears you muttered "I love you through anything" as I watched you close you eyes and dip your head. my eyes followed your tears that fell to the floor. you weren't saying those words to me, you were saying it to yourself. in desperation I frantically opened my windows, I wanted to give you what you wanted and if what you wanted was me, fucking take all of it.

but the more I went on the more you couldn't stand to look at the yellowed walls and thrown over furniture. making eye contact with you was hard, your eyes were closed in pain more than they were opened, until I stopped trying to give the house to you. I showed you Me and you realized I was someone else. how could you love a completely different person?
that's when I just stopped. I took a seat on a dusted piece of furniture and then stared at the wall. I was mad at you at first. you lied to me. you told me to do this. you begged me and reassured me. you promised. but then I realized you did nothing wrong. it was me. how dare I show you around without cleaning up? i knew I was a wreck. people walking down the streets would point to me and talk about what an atrocity was behind those polished walls. I knew what was going to happen, but I got carried away in your words that danced off your lips and floated into my ear. I got carried away in your touch that electrified my skin and made me feel safe all the same. It was so new, everything was so new and I wanted it all so bad. BEing with you was like being underwater, all of my sense were subdued. I felt weightless, and so, so calm. The world couldn't get me here, in your arms I was under water. 

But now I'm back to my seclusion in my yellow walls because I got carried away in the novelty of your reassurance as I led you into the darkest corners. I knew you would soon get tired of it, I know you're used to better. I didn't mean to ruin things like this, but for some reason I'm not surprised.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Get out of my insides, stare at the outside. anything to make things go back to the way they were. please, please get out I don't want to ruin this. but it's too late.
It's to late to polish my inside for you until it sparkles.
because now you know what was behind those shut doors. you decided you didn't want it. so with my now non-mysterious messy house I drowned myself in cleaning materials. Alone I etched your name into a wall over and over. I have nothing left. I want you to say you'll live here again. i want you to keep your promise, but here I am, staring at you as you walk down the street.
I'm so sorry.
I should've known better, I should've done better. I'll do anything for you. I will clean my yellowed walls, for you, anything. but it's too late. I can't un-show you my insides. I can only close the door back up and lock it.

So I stared at you through a broken window, and then then wished you along, because even though I ruined it, the words to you are probably the truest things to come out of my lips. let my words follow you down the road, you, forever oblivious to them, long on your way.

To your turned back I whispered "I love you."

Because I truly do.