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Chapter Nineteen

Deserving

When we arrived home gising pa sina mommy, kuya at ate. Ate Cianna brought Chelca to her bedroom while I still ate dinner with mommy and kuya. Hindi rin kasi ako gaanong nakakain kanina sa lakad namin ni Chelca with her dad. I was too busy attending to Chelca. Ganoon siguro talaga kapag nanay ka na. Pati pagkain hindi mo na rin halos gaanong mapagtutuunan ng pansin dahil mas uunahin mong pakainin ang anak mo. Hanggang sa minsan nakakalimutan mo na palang kumain din.

Nag-usap kami nina mommy at Kuya Caleb tungkol sa naging lakad namin ngayon ni Chelca with Ezion. "Okay naman si Ezion... Chelca had fun with her Dad." I told my family. Hindi ko na binahagi pa ang naging konting sagutan namin ni Ezion kanina.

"Mabuti naman kung ganoon, hija. Dapat lang na magkasundo kayo ni Ezion para sa bata. Makakatulong iyon sa pagpapalaki kay Chelca."

I nodded in agreement to what mommy said. Kaya nga gusto ko talagang maayos kami ni Ezion alang-alang kay Chelca. Kung hindi niya lang din sana pinipilit ang kagustuhan niya na magkaroon kami ng iba pang relasyon bukod sa pagiging parehong parents namin kay Chelca. At hindi rin naman ako mapipilit ni Ezion.

I think it's just hard to bring back the feelings that was already left in the past... It's hard to bring back the feelings you once had for someone when you can't anymore feel the same way towards them. Because you feel that for someone else now.

Mahal ko si Declan. Kahit pa nga nagkakaproblema din kami sa pamilya niya. Hindi ako tanggap ng family ni Declan. At hanggang ngayon ay masakit pa rin sa akin ang isiping iyon. Sanay naman na akong mahirapan dahil sa mga pinagdaanan pero ang iniisip ko ay si Declan. Ayaw ko siyang mahirapan sa sitwasyon namin ng pamilya niya. I don't want him to be caught up between me and his family. Ayaw ko no'n para sa kaniya.

Mahalaga sa akin ang pamilya ko kaya alam kong importante rin para kay Declan ang parents at mga kapatid niya. Kaya ayaw ko sanang magpatuloy ito alang-alang kay Declan.

When mommy said na pupunta na siya sa kwarto niya para magpahinga, naiwan kaming dalawa ni Kuya Caleb doon. I looked at my brother. I wanted to talk to him about something Ezion had mentioned earlier.

"You begged Ezion before na panagutan ako?"

Kuya looked at me for a while like he didn't get what I just asked. Nagkatinginan kami. And then he sighed. "You mean Ezion?"

"Hmm."

"That asshole. Naalala ko na naman ang ginawa niya. I thought we were best friends. We were like brothers. Pero malalaman ko na pinapakialaman na pala niya ang kapatid ko."

I sighed. "Kuya tapos na 'yon." I reminded him dahil parang nakakalimutan niya at parang kahapon lang nangyari sa kaniya.

"I know. I just can't help it, Ciri. Kapag naaalala ko talaga nagagaguhan pa rin ako kay Ezion."

"So why did you cry in front of him?"

Kuya Caleb looked annoyed. "It was not easy to accept, Ciri. I was so frustrated when I learned that my best friend, the person that I trusted got my sister pregnant behind my back. And what did he said back then? Hindi ka raw niya kayang panagutan. Napakagago talaga."

I sighed. "Tama na kuya. Bumabalik lang ang inis mo kay Ezion."

"Galit ako sa kaniya, Ciri. At hanggang ngayon pakiramdam ko ay may galit pa rin ako kay Ezion dahil sa ginawa niya noon sa 'yo. Hindi pa kasali na ang pamilya niya ang sumira kay Daddy."

"Kaya ba hindi na talaga nabalik ang friendship n'yo?"

"What do you mean? Of course, hindi na. It's hard to bring back trust. Especially to the person you trusted so much. You will never look at that person the same way again."

Napaisip ako sa sinabi ni kuya. Nga naman. It's really hard to bring back trust. Especially when you were betrayed. Hindi lang tiwala mo ang nasira pero pakiramdam mo rin ay niloko o pinagsinungalingan ka.

"Kaya, Ciri, ayaw kong magkabalikan pa kayo ni Ezion."

My forehead creased at what my brother said. "What are you talking about?"

"Ezion might be pursuing you right now. Even if it's for Chelca you shouldn't agree to him."

"I'm with Declan now, kuya."

"Yes, you're with Declan now and he's good for you."

I got silent for a while. I thought of the problem I had with Declan's family. Hindi pa alam nina mommy. Ang alam lang nila na pinakilala na ako ni Declan sa kanila. And I told Declan na huwag nalang din sabihin sa family ang nangyari sa bahay nila last time.

After the talk I had with Kuya Caleb I went to see my daughter. She's probably asleep but I wanted to see her kahit magkasama lang naman kami kanina. She was already sound asleep on her bed. Lumapit ako sa kama niya and I sat near the edge. I brought my hand to her soft face at pinagmasdan ko siyang matulog.

And then my eyes went to the framed picture of me, Chelca, and Ezion that was on the bedside table. Kuha ito noong birthday ni Chelca. Maganda naman ang kuha namin at nakangiti kaming tatlo sa picture. Nagtagal ang tingin ko dito. We looked like a complete and happy family. A normal family like what Chelca deserves.

I can't help it but feel guilty. I was feeling the guilt for my daughter. Dahil kung iisipin ako lang naman ang hinihintay ni Ezion. Gusto niyang bigyan namin ng buong pamilya si Chelca pero ako ang umaayaw.

I thought that it was a matter of a decision between me and my daughter's happiness. Gusto kong maging masaya si Chelca. And Ezion can make her happy.

Was I being selfish?

Hindi ba dapat unahin ng magulang ang anak niya? Bakit sa nangyayari at sa nagiging desisyon ko mukhang mas inuuna ko ang sarili ko kumpara sa anak ko.

Should I talk to Ezion again? No matter what. After all, it's for Chelca.

"Is this really okay with you, Declan?" I asked him. We went out for another dinner date. This time he brought me to a restaurant overlooking the city. I was watching the nice view before I turned my eyes to him.

Nakatingin na rin sa akin si Declan. Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa tanawin. "Hindi ka ba nahihirapan? Sa sitwasyon mo ngayon sa pamilya mo nang dahil lang sa akin." I added.

"Ciri," he called.

But I couldn't listen to him dahil nauuna ang maraming bagay sa isip ko. "Declan, am I really that worth it?" Tumingin ako ng deretso sa kaniya. "Na kaya mong suwayin ang pamilya mo para sa akin? Ganoon mo ba talaga ako kagusto?"

His lips parted but he wasn't able to say something right away. And I took that chance to let out more of my thoughts. "Marami pa namang iba d'yan, Declan." I did not plan on ruining our nice dinner. But I feel like I have to tell him these things. "Marami pang ibang babae. Na babagay sa 'yo. Hindi kailangan na ako pa. Declan, may anak na ako. You can get another girl who's more deserving—" Natigil ako sa pagsasalita nang makita ko ang reaksyon sa mukha ni Declan. His face darkened and his eyes became bloodshot. Umawang ang labi ko habang tinitingnan ko siya. I think I haven't seen him this way before.

"What is it that you really want to tell me, Cirilla? Are you breaking up with me?"

Nakaramdam ako ng konting lamig sa boses niya. Nanatili ang tingin namin sa isa't isa. Napalunok ako. And then I can feel that my tears were ready to fall any moment now. Masakit ito para sa 'kin. Pero iniisip ko lang din si Declan. I was thinking of Chelca. I couldn't think of myself anymore. Hindi ko na alam ang iisipin at hindi ko na yata alam ang gagawin.

Lumapit ang waiter para sa bill at nagbayad na rin si Declan. Pagkatapos ay tumayo na rin kaming dalawa mula sa mesa namin na walang sinasabi. Bahagya pang nanginig ang mga binti ko nang tumayo. I got my bag and I followed Declan to his car.

[Read up to Chapter 23 now of I Loved You Dangerously available on my Patreon creator page Rej Martinez and/or join my Facebook VIP group message Facebook Rej Martinez to join. Updates Tuesday to Saturday weekly. Wattpad updates Tuesday and Saturday. Thank you!]