"I feel that it is necessary and ordained that I should be alone, a stranger and an exile in relation to every human circle, without exception."
― Simone Weil

Tommy lies on the wooden floorboards in sweatpants and a t-shirt far too large for him. His hands are crossed over his stomach, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. A nearby window allows off-white sunlight to pour across his body. He stares up the ceiling, occasionally blinded by the sunlight. He squints during these moments, turning away slightly. When a cloud passes over the sun once more, Tommy returns to gazing up at the ceiling. He has the swirling pattern of wood mapped out by now, and he's started coming up with fictitious stories about the subtly humanoid or monstrous creatures that exist in the differing shades of brown. Tommy feels like an astrologer first writing down the stories of the constellations, but he isn't nearly as cool or influential as whoever that person is.

Tommy's daydreaming is accompanied by sounds coming from the kitchen. Tommy doesn't need to look away from the ceiling to know that Techno is the one making all those noises. He's cooking breakfast for both of them, just as he does every morning. He doesn't always make the same dishes. In fact, Tommy has seen Techno scrolling through websites where random people write down their family recipes. Tommy has also seen Techno get annoyed with the long anecdotes and the ads cluttering up the recipe. Tommy is certain a physical cookbook will find its way into the cabin sooner or later.

Although Techno cooks breakfast every morning (only because Tommy can't cook and Techno doesn't like it when Tommy skips meals), Tommy doesn't always lie on the bare floor in the nebulous territory that isn't quite part of the living room, dining area, or the kitchen. Sometimes, he'll lay on the couch like a reasonable person who cares for their spine. Other times, he won't even be able to drag himself out of Techno's bed, so he'll lie there. In the mornings, Tommy doesn't have much energy, so he'll crash wherever he reasonably can.

Honestly, Tommy doesn't have energy most days even when the sun is high up in the sky. He will remain lying down on whatever surface he finds. He might be able to switch the surface at some point during the day, but on his really bad days, it's difficult for him to even breathe, let alone move around.

On other days, Tommy does have energy. On these days, he'll help Techno with chores around the house. He might not know how to cook, but he does know how to use a broom and duster. He knows how to organize the books in Techno's study based on their colors, and he'll always go back to reorganize them alphabetically when Techno gets frustrated that he can't find anything. Tommy will make Techno's bed. Both sides, too, since the only reason he's there is because his sleeping walking has gotten significantly worse and far more deadly.

At least, Techno says it has. Tommy is asleep during all these moments, so he doesn't know. All Tommy knows is that Techno won't let him in the kitchen anymore, and the drawer holding the knives has a child lock on it. Tommy thought about asking, but he doesn't want to know. If he did want to know, he can put two and two together.

Back to daytime activities, Tommy sometimes even has energy to go outside. He helps Techno with the chores out there. He tries to, anyway, but sometimes he gets distracted. Techno lets him wander off under the promise that he doesn't go too far. Tommy wouldn't even need to make that promise. He usually ends up in the same place regardless of where he followed Techno to. The most extraneous activity Tommy does is playing with Atalanta, the dog he found with Ravager on the day they fought the Scarlet Demoness and Fenrir.

Atalanta stays with the other hounds. Tommy knows all of their names, and they seem to know him very well. They are always rowdy when he comes to their pen. He leaps over to join them. They are all warm and soft under his hands as he tries to pet them all. They will eventually get used to his presence, running off to tackle each other. Atalanta is the one that remains at his side. She watches over him, content to lay her head in his lap as he dozes off. If any of the other dogs get too rowdy, Atalanta lightly growls at them until they back off. Tommy hugs her close, rubbing his cheek against her ears. He doesn't remember the story the dog is named after, but he bets the Atalanta from Techno's story is just as kind and protective as this canine is.

These are only Tommy's good days, though. His good days come and go as good days are bound to do.

Today is a good day, Tommy thinks, feeling light waves of energy spool in his stomach.

Techno steps into the kitchen holding two plates in both of his hands. Tommy turns his attention away from the ceiling to trace Techno's movements through the dining room. Techno stares at the table. He wears a neutral expression, but Tommy can see emotions flash in Techno's eyes. Techno turns away from the table at the last second. He comes all the way to Tommy's side. Tommy expects Techno to set his plate down, but Techno brings his entire body down to the ground so that he's resting his weight on his knees and calves. He sets down Tommy's plate. He puts his plate in his lap.

Today has to be a good day for Techno, too, Tommy realizes. Techno is often indulgent of Tommy's whims. When Tommy doesn't have energy to do anything, Techno doesn't force him to get up or move. When Tommy can't bear to do any household chore, Techno does them all without any complaints. When Tommy does do a chore but doesn't do it right, Techno will only grumble a little as he cleans up after Tommy. When Tommy ditches Techno to play with the dogs, Techno only comes to collect him at every meal. That is the only thing Techno ever pushes Tommy on: meals, sleep, and personal hygiene. Techno makes Tommy do that, but everything else is extremely flexible.

Despite allowing Tommy to do what he wants, Techno rarely sinks down to Tommy's level. Techno still acts like a functioning, healthy individual. He wakes and gets up at an appropriate time. He goes through the motions of cleaning himself in the mornings. He trains his body in the early mornings, never slacking off. He makes all their meals diligently, and he eats all of those meals at the kitchen table. He does all the chores he needs to do, both inside and outside, with the utmost attention and grace. He even squeezes in time to read a book or play a word game on his communicator.

Techno only does this when he's emotionally prepared himself. Every time he gets down to Tommy's level, the blonde ends up hugging him every time without fail. Considering physical comfort is enough to make Tommy sob, it is highly appreciated that Techno is mentally stable.

Tommy sits up. He shifts his body, grabbing his plate as he moves. Tommy settles his head against Techno's arm. He stretches his legs out, but he has his plate in his lap like Techno. They both face the window, settled snuggly in the sunlight pouring through the window. Tommy takes the fork Techno hands him to start picking at the eggs. He chews them quietly, remaining close enough to Techno that the body next to him provides more warmth than the sun does. Tommy lets his eyes fall close, eating absentmindedly.

"You don't have to do anything," Techno reminds Tommy as they are eating. His voice startles Tommy, but the blonde quickly gets comfortable again. Although he had been expecting it to come after they've both eaten, he knew that Techno was going to bring this up, especially since he decided to sit on the ground to eat breakfast with Tommy. "We can take baby steps."

"I've been taking baby steps. It's time to grow up," Tommy counters easily, pointing his fork at Techno.

"That isn't the analogy I was going for," Techno amends, a sigh right next to his words. Tommy smiles despite himself. His smile drops when Techno continues talking, "If you aren't ready, you simply aren't. It isn't childish to put yourself first and hide from what will hurt you."

"It is fucking childish to hide from what scares me," Tommy argues. Only children hide under the covers to prevent the darkness from attacking them. Adults know that something as flimsy as a blanket isn't going to protect them from what is undoubtedly real and truly terrifying. Tommy has been holding the blanket over him for so long. He thinks it's time he slipped out from under the false protection of the metaphorical fabric. "I'm going. I promise to come home the minute I start feeling bad."

"If you start getting any thoughts," Techno starts. Tommy's confidence diminishes slightly. He hasn't really had any thoughts while in Techno's company. He doesn't have a reason to live, but he doesn't have the will to die, either. He is content to exist within the confines of this cabin. The only times he's ever been close to dying again was during his slumber. Tommy isn't sure that counts since he's always been like that. Or maybe it's more worrying that he's always been like that. Tommy shakes his head against Techno's chest, knowing that the pink-haired hybrid won't ask Tommy what's on his mind. "You should tell Puffy."

Tommy immediately goes from shaking his head to flinching. He pointedly doesn't meet Techno's eyes. For some reason, after learning the truth about who some of the Syndicate members are, everyone thought it would be perfectly fine for Tommy to know everyone's identities. Tommy was right on the money in figuring out Dyscardia is Niki, Thermoculus is Jack, and Jolt is Tubbo. Luckily (or maybe unluckily, Tommy isn't sure), Tommy doesn't personally know most of the other members of the Syndicate. He doesn't have a past with Puffy, Jordan, Sam, or Ranboo. He only knows their alternative identities, and Tommy arguably has the weakest relationship with Argonaut, with Puffy. He did find out that Sneeg was Inchling, which didn't surprise Tommy but it still upset him.

"I promise to tell... Puffy if I start having thoughts," Tommy swears. Even if he doesn't actually know Puffy, her name still feels like poison on his tongue. She's a villainess, and Tommy was once a hero. He should be using her name to capture her and turn her into Pandora's Vault. But Tommy isn't a hero anymore. Puffy is still a villainess, but Tommy can't see her that way, not when she's been there for Tubbo for years now. Maybe her name is poison for that fact alone, not because of her alternative identity.

"Good," Techno praises, raising a hand up to pat Tommy's head. The affection comforts Tommy, so he allows it to happen without any objections.

Techno and Tommy finish eating their breakfast. Techno takes their plates. Tommy jumps up to wander after him. Techno washes the dishes, including the ones he used to cook. Tommy dries and puts them up, remembering where they go after spending so much time in the cabin.

When they're finished, Techno nudges Tommy toward the stairs to the second floor. Tommy gives a salute as he climbs up the stairs. Tommy steps into the room he is temporarily sharing with Techno. There is a box in the corner packed with clothes that appropriately fit Tommy. At first, Tommy thought it was strange that Techno knew his size and style. After examining the clothes, Tommy found a tag that read 'Made in Las Nevadas.' Tommy feels a surge of sadness in his heart as he remembers Las Nevadas and the people there, but Tommy doesn't want to shove all his baggage on those guys, especially not after Minotaur tried to destroy the island. Techno also wouldn't let Tommy go, plainly stating it wouldn't be good for Tommy's mental state to be near the Needle. Tommy couldn't argue with that, so he left the conversation where it still lays today.

Tommy takes the clothes with him into the bathroom. He takes a quick shower. Techno often grumbles about Tommy taking up all the hot water, but he also seems concerned when Tommy takes too long. The last time Tommy took a long shower, Techno held Tommy's writs, staring intently at his arms. Tommy would have stood there for as long as Techno needed him to, but the hybrid muttered something about what Wilbur had said. Tommy's heart jerked so hard that his entire body stumbled back. Techno was apologetic, but Tommy didn't go near Techno again until they went to sleep that night. They didn't talk about the incident, and Techno has pointedly not mentioned anything regarding Tommy's brother.

Tommy wasn't ready for it, but he expected Techno to ask about Tommy's childhood. He thought he would need more proof than just knowing some names for Techno to be convinced that Vendetta was really the Tommy the others mourned. Techno hasn't mentioned the past, not even in passing. Tommy will sometimes find the urge to tell Techno something, but he always loses courage before the words can come out. He just lets the past haunt him.

Tommy finishes showering. He comes downstairs to find Techno still wiping down the kitchen counters. Techno glances up at Tommy, a frown quickly finding itself on his face. Tommy gives him a sheepish smile. Techno sighs, throwing away the wet wipe he was using. He steps past Tommy, climbing the stairs. Techno gets a brand new towel from the closet. He comes back downstairs to force Tommy to sit down on the ground in front of the couch. Techno sits on the couch behind Tommy. He sets the towel on Tommy's head, and he starts working through the hair with the towel. Techno is always meticulous about this since the colder weather invites sickness to fools who let their hair air-dry.

Tommy understands the intention behind Techno's actions, but it never fails to remind Tommy of his brother. It even reminds him of Serenade. Tommy remembers coming into the apartment soaking wet the first night they stayed together. Serenade had come out, and he put a towel on Tommy's head. He even wiped it a little. Tommy feels like an idiot because he distinctly remembers comparing Serenade and Wilbur. It wouldn't be the first time he did that. Tommy should have figured out that Serenade and Wilbur were the same person far earlier, but Tommy always averted his eyes. All he wanted was his family back, and he averted his eyes.

Tommy sighs, sinking into his crossed arms. Techno hums noncommittally. Tommy doesn't talk about it, and Techno doesn't ask.

Techno's communicator buzzes. Techno removes his hands from the towel, so the cloth falls off the side of Tommy's head. Tommy pushes his fingers into his hair. It is almost completely dry. Tommy looks over his shoulder to see what Techno is doing. Techno is staring at his communicator with a firm expression. He turns away from the screen to stare at Tommy once more. "If you have any thoughts, tell Puffy immediately. If you want to come back, you can. If you see someone you don't want to talk to, walk away. No one is going to blame you for putting your safety first."

"Understood, captain," Tommy confirms. Techno rises to his feet, nudging Tommy with his foot. Tommy gets up beside Techno. The pink-haired man walks toward the door. As he puts on his heavy, velvet red jacket, Tommy puts his shoes on. He throws a light blue jacket toward Tommy. The blonde puts it on, and Techno slides on his boots. When Techno is done, he comes over to make sure that Tommy has the jacket on correctly. Techno's actions remind Tommy of Ultraviolet, a fact Tommy pointedly ignores.

Techno opens the door, and Tommy steps outside first. Tommy rubs his hands together as he looks across the porch. There is a dark brown car pulled into the drive. A woman stands beside the driver's side's door. She is wearing a lighter red jacket than Techno with buttons that gleam golden in the sunlight along with a pair of jeans. Her dark brown hair is lying across one of her shoulders underneath a black baseball cap. She turns her attention when she notices movement in the corner of her eye. A wide smile spreads across her face as she pushes off her car. She waves at Tommy and Techno.

Techno squeezes Tommy's shoulder reassuringly. Tommy takes a deep breath, feeling the chill sting of the wind prickling his lungs. Tommy breathes out a thin gray mist. He takes a step forward, careful not to slip on the icy stairs. Tommy keeps walking, even more careful when he's walking across the snow. He keeps moving until he gets to Puffy's car. She is smiling at him, her eyes bright and a touch misty. Tommy looks away from her to gaze back at the porch. Techno waits diligently, ready to open the door back up and usher Tommy inside. Tommy shakes his head, knowing Techno probably can't see it. He raises his hand to wave, letting that serve as a kinder substitute.

Tommy eventually prepares himself enough to open the passenger's side's door. He steps into Puffy's car, ducking down to fit inside. He settles into the leather seat. He turns his head to watch Puffy get into the car right after him. She gives him another smile as she shuts the door. Her smile diminishes only slightly when she looks behind her. She starts pulling out of the cabin's driveway, realigning herself on the main road that leads back into the city. Tommy shivers as he watches the world outside the window change. Puffy misinterprets his shiver as she turns the heat on. Tommy doesn't mind. He focuses on the warmth brushing against his skin as they drive into Snowchester proper.

The car ride is reasonably lengthy, but neither of them talk through it. Puffy keeps her eyes on the road, her lips pressed into a concentrated line. Tommy keeps his attention on the world outside the window. Nothing major has changed, but it feels like everything has. He isn't alone, technically. The ghosts that have been haunting him for the past ten years aren't ghosts anymore. He doesn't really know who he is anymore, and if he can't identify himself, how can he identify anything else?

The view changes drastically when they pass into Empires borough from Snowchester. For one thing, there isn't any snow. For another, there is far more graffiti on the buildings. Tommy recognizes different pieces from the gangs. He even sees one that reminds him of Sleepy. He wonders how they're doing after saving Tommy from Crimson's influence in the battle inside his mind.

Puffy parks beside the sidewalk. She gets out to pay the parking meter. Tommy scrambles after her. Puffy walks to the back of her car, using her keys to open the trunk. She pulls a wicker basket out. Tommy stops moving when he notices the basket resting in the crux of her elbow. She smiles at him, closing the trunk with her other arm. She gestures for him to follow her, and Tommy does without thinking about it.

Puffy steps under the arch that creates the main entrance into Empires' famous park. Tommy stares at the arch for a long second. He was just thinking about Sleepy, and now he's at their workplace. He wonders if he'll get to see them as he looks back down. Puffy is turned to him, a patient smile on her face. Tommy hurriedly catches up with her, feeling bad about making her wait on him. Once Tommy is a few feet away, Puffy turns again to walk down the path that goes right through the center of the park. All the other paths converge onto this one, making it the busiest one. Tommy grabs onto the fabric of Puffy's jacket as she moves. Puffy slows down half-a-step to allow Tommy to keep up with her.

Puffy turns onto one of the side streets. Tommy follows her, carefully not to step on any of the branches and leaves littering the path. Puffy takes a step off the path, and Tommy looks up at her back to figure out where she's going. Puffy doesn't hesitate as she walks across the beautifully green grass. She only stops when they come to a large tree with a sandy material around the exposed roots. Puffy drops the wicker basket between two large roots. She opens the lid to bring out a blanket. She flaps the blanket in the air, letting it fall across the ground. She sits down on her knees to bring out different treats from the wicker basket. Tommy doesn't look at the food as he takes his jacket off. He drops it down on the blanket, lying down on both his jacket and the blanket. He folds his hands over his stomach, adopting the same position he used earlier that morning.

The sunlight that washes across him is a lot warmer, and it looks like diamonds as it weaves between the branches of the tree. Tommy closes his eyes, enjoying the pleasant breeze that seems to caress his cheeks. Tommy's eyes crack open when he feels a presence right beside him. Puffy lies down next to him, matching his pose. This reminds Tommy of the time after Argonaut healed him. They had talked about hobbies, and Argonaut even told Tommy a little bit about her past.

Tommy doesn't want to talk about his past. He finds a part of him wanting to know about it from someone else, though. The silence is suffocating enough. It has been for a while now, but Tommy doesn't want to unload anything on the emotionally repressed Techno. Puffy is different. Unless her attitude has been a facade, she seems kind and patient. Tommy wouldn't mind if Puffy filled the silence. That being said, Tommy only has the confidence to say his brother's name like a question, "Tubbo?"

Puffy's eyes widen a fraction, but she doesn't show any discomfort or resistance. She closes her eyes, reaching her hand out to intertwine her fingers with Tommy. He lets it happen easily enough, squeezing back. Puffy wears a soft smile, one Tommy almost envies but mainly derives comfort from. "I never knew my father. Schlatt and I lived with our mother for a few years. She disappeared, and we were brought in by another family. Jordan was part of this other family. Schlatt and I didn't become close with our foster parents, but Jordan was as much our sibling as we were to each other.

"When we were teenagers, Schlatt started getting into trouble. Jordan started training his body with the hopes of joining the Moderator's guild. I tried to help both of them, even when they started having conflicts with one another. Schlatt got into trouble with one of the gangs. He didn't seem to care, but I didn't want my brother to get hurt. I told Jordan, and the two of us together confronted Schlatt. During our argument, we were ambushed by the gang Schlatt pissed off. It was more of a beat-down than a fair fight, but it was in this tumultuous situation that we all had our esper awakening.

"We made it out with our lives, but lines were drawn in the sand. Jordan was going to become a hero, and Schlatt was going to become a villain. I didn't know what to do. I followed Schlatt because I thought he needed my help more than Jordan did. I thought I could stop Schlatt from becoming an irredeemable monster.

"I failed, obviously, and after our falling out, I stopped using my powers altogether. If I had known Schlatt had a kid, I wouldn't have been so hasty. Years later, I got back in touch with Jordan. He was upset with him. Rightfully so, but I didn't give up until we repaired our relationship. It was then that I discovered Tubbo. It ruined me to think that I had let this happen. If I had stuck around with Schlatt for just a little bit longer, I might have learned about Tubbo. I would have been able to save Tubbo before Schlatt hurt him, before he ended up on the streets.

"To make up for my absence, I tried being the best aunt I could. He was a good kid growing up. Once he got comfortable with Jordan and I, he was a little rascal. He loved to prank us. I eventually got good at pranks to connect with him. We also started playing games with each other. Board games, electronic ones, challenges, all sorts of things.

"I supported Tubbo when he became a vigilante, even though Jordan thought it was a horrible idea. I had my misgivings when Tubbo got in touch with the Syndicate. After doing my research and meeting with some of the members, I joined the Syndicate mainly to protect Tubbo. I eventually came to agree with the principles of the Syndicate and befriend the people within the rankings. They're good people, you know?"

Puffy falls silent as if she's asking a genuine question, as if Tommy would ever dare to say his family were bad people. As if Tommy could condemn Enderwalk, Warden, and Red Dragon.

"Is Tubbo happy?" Tommy asks, keeping his eyes closed and his grip on Puffy's hand firm.

He hears Puffy sigh. "He is, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to see you again, Tommy. Even to this day, Tubbo has mourned you, and now that is knows you're alive-"

"I don't want to know," Tommy cuts her off. He hears Puffy suck in a tight breath, and it makes Tommy feel bad, but he can't. He simply can't. "I don't know what to do, Puffy."

"About what?" Puffy asks genuinely.

"Tubbo has a family. He has a father and an aunt. He has a good family that takes care of him. I'm messing that up."

"You don't need to take care of Tubbo. Jordan and I will take care of Tubbo. That's our responsibility," Puffy reminds Tommy, squeezing his hand even tighter. "You need to be taken care of, too."

"I think Techno isn't doing a shitty job," Tommy says. Techno has done his best to make Tommy feel both welcome, sane, and loved. While the first two are always up in the air, Tommy has never not felt like Techno cares about him. In some ways, Techno has become as much of Tommy's brother as he is Wilbur's brother. Tommy thought at the beginning that Techno was only doing this because Tommy was Wilbur's brother, but there is a genuineness that is etched into each of his actions. Tommy can rest his weary soul in Techno's strange love. If Wilbur is Tommy's north star, guiding him towards the future, Techno is like Tommy's bedrock, holding him steady. Up in the sky; down in the deep earth. Freeing oneself of gravity and bringing it back down.

"Yes, Techno is doing a better job than I suspected," Puffy laughs sweetly, and Tommy's eyes are suddenly warm with tears. He likes that sound so much that warm water begins to trickle across his cheeks. Tommy hears Puffy shift beside him, and he feels a soft hand wiping away his tears. He peeks his eyes open to see Puffy smiling at him. "Since everyone's taking care of who they're supposed to, you can just be Tubbo's brother."

"I don't fucking know how! I've spent so long alone and shoving people away that I can't stand the thought of being part of a family again, even though they're my fucking family," Tommy tries to explain, but his voice is far too broken to reach the volume it needs to be at. It actually sounds even more pathetic as an attempt, so Tommy quiets down as he continues, "Even if I could get over myself, I don't want to ruin the stability and happiness Tubbo has now. I'm going to mess up Tubbo's life. I'm going to mess up everyone's lives."

"No, Tommy. You were, are, and will always be Tubbo's brother. You aren't going to mess anything up," Puffy disagrees, turning on her side to cup Tommy's cheeks with both of her hands. Her eyes are filled with a terrifying softness. Tommy is going to puke, so he pushes her hands away. He looks away from her, back at the sunlight that doesn't judge him any harsher than it does other people. It doesn't treat him as fragile, either. "How about we eat now?"

Tommy nods slowly. Puffy sits up, reaching back to grab some of the containers she brought with her. Tommy sits up, too. When Puffy sets one container in her lap, Tommy leans against her shoulder the same way he does with Techno when they eat side-by-side. Puffy doesn't push Tommy away, instead handing him a frosted cookie. Tommy starts nibbling at it. He enjoys the cookie, even though it reminds him of Niki.

"Puffy," Tommy calls her name. She hums in response, and Tommy asks softly, "Do you think you could get my gaming device for me? I used to play Animal Crossing when I was upset... and now I'm upset all the fucking time."

Puffy's hand lifts up to brush the hair out of his forehead. She hands him another cookie when he's finished with the one in his hands. "Of course, bud. I promise to get you whatever you want. You deserve it."

Tommy's laugh trickles out of his lips, slowly and softly and shortly. When he's finished, he says, "I only want the gaming device..."

He says that because what he really wants is to feel okay, and he knows Puffy could never get him that.