wow so lots of stuff here -mental and physical abuse, homophobia, panic attack, suicide thoughts/attempt s, curse words, cutting,

the next night deadname planned something on roblox spent sometime buying me some stuff:)) as i was looking at the stuff my mom walks in the room

anabelle do i have to take your phone away?

my stomach dropped, anxiety rising up my back

w-what i said as i felt my eyes getting watery

your fucking gay?! anabelle i didnt raise my daughter to like women!

her words cut through my heart like a knife

is this a fucking sick prank?

mom explain to me. i pleaded at this point i'm bawling my eyes out mascara dripping, my head roaming i didn't feel real this didn't feel real.

she sighed as she began, i heard you fucking..come out to ur cousin last night

i was confused we were upstairs 3am my mom was sleeping in the basement how did she hear us

so what?

i didn't reply my throat was closing up my body and head were hot

ANSWER ME YOU FREAK! she yelled it scared me so i said

i-i'm sorry mom
"mom" it hurt to say that this woman here yelling at me for liking women is not my mom

dont fucking call me mom she slapped the side of my face i didn't raise a child to go behind my back and get cursed by the devil the devil is in your head anabelle
what do i do now i'm taking your phone and laptop away you are sleeping in bed with me for now until i can find it in myself to trust you again

i try to speak, stand up for my self and say "mom it's not bad you nor i can chose this if i could be straight i would but it's not that fucking easy so back off" but all that came out was a whine as i covered my face with my hands

you can't even talk you know what you've done get up go wash your face their is make up everywhere

as i'm getting up she hugs me,
that's the last thing i wanted then and there i wanted to open the window beside us and jump out of i was alive id do it again and again she says "i'm sorry babe, it's my fault i didn't keep you from the devil we will go to church every sunday i'll make you read the entire bible we will do everything we can.

she said it like she didn't try to "slap the gay" out of me like she didn't just take away the only things/people that make me happy.

it's all sinking in now

no phone

no more crush

no laptop

no twitch streams

no roblox games

no minecraft sessions with old friends

no more softball, that one hit hard ive been playing since i can walk and hold a plastic bat

no more freedom, power, love, happiness, hobbys
nothing.
as i was in the bathroom i thought to
myself
i should just end it right here
i cant do anything else wrong
no one will miss me
no ones here to stop me
just me my moms advils and the bathtub
i grabbed a blade i hid under the sink and cut away starting with my arms ending with my thighs

i've always hated pills it was so hard for me to swallow them without having to crush them up but, it felt like i could do anything right now
i swallowed one and another and stopped..
what about all of my friends, and of course my crush i cant just leave them but at the same time i would be better if i wasn't around them all i do is make things worse and my mom hates me she's probably going to tell everyone they will all hate me too. i can't do anything but cry in my room doing the things that harm myself even more

i ended crying myself to sleep i wanted to be with this person after i get my stuff back and when my mom can shut the actual fuck up and let me be happy for once and not make me feel like shit about the people i love the things that make me smile or how i went from super skinny to slightly overweight how i eat two hotdogs instead of one and then asks why i always say i'm not hungry

- anywho that's the end of this chapter i'm sorry it's so short i want to make my average around 1000 or more words but i dunno i'll try :)

-word count 788