She held the world upon a string

But she didn’t ever hold me

She spun the stars on her fingernails

But it never made her happy

Because she couldn’t ever have me

She said she’d won the world at a carnival

But she couldn’t ever win me

Because she couldn’t ever catch me

I, I know why

Because when I look in her eyes, I just see the sky

When I look in her eyes, well, I just see the sky  

*******************************************************************************

*----Izzy----*

“If you like him you can tell me.” Bree said for the billionth time.

“Look, Bree, I’ve told you already. I don’t know if I like Brendon. I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I like having him around,” I said honestly. “I know my feelings for him go a little more beyond just friends.”

“So you do like him,” She insisted.

I sighed heavily and began to rub my temples, “I. Don’t. Know. Bree,” I said each word slow but firm. “I feel something for him. We have a…”

“Connection?” She said knowingly. I nodded. “I felt the same way when Ryan and I were hanging out the first time you brought me to Brendon’s house. Izzy, I feel for Ryan the same way you feel for Brendon. Look at Ryan and I now. Don’t you want that?”

I did want that but I couldn’t

“Look, Brendon’s a friend right now. I admit, I need Brendon more than I should but…” My voice trailed off.

“Let me ask you a question.”

“Shoot.”

“When have I ever encouraged you going after a guy?” She raised an eyebrow at me.

I thought about it, “Never.”

“Exactly,” She shook my shoulders. “Doesn’t that give you a hint that maybe this time is different?”

“Maybe it is but I’m not going to think about that right now.”  

“Why though? I don’t get you, Iz,” She huffed. “You smile every time he looks at you. Your eyes light up whenever someone mentions his name. And you may not see it but Brendon’s the same way. Did you ever notice he has a special smile for you?”

“A special smile?” I repeated.

“Yes, a smile he only ever shows for you. It’s a gentle, small smile. His eyes soften and he stares at you almost… lovingly.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I sighed.

“C’mon Izzy. The guy is practically head over heels for you. You may not notice it but I do. He watches you,” I nearly dropped the solution we were mixing. “Careful, Iz. I need an A in science or my mom’s taking away my car.”

“What the hell do you mean, ‘he watches me’?” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Not like a stalker,” She rolled her eyes. “More like a boy who has a crush. His eyes say everything,” She giggled. “It’s actually pretty adorable, the way he stares at you. He always has a slight blush on his cheeks.”

“I still don’t see your point.”

“Well you need to,” She grabbed my arm and stopped me. “The way you guys act around each other, that is something. In fact, you’re never happy unless you’re with him and according to Ryan Brendon is the same way. He just mops around.”

“I’m happy,” I huffed.

“Uh huh,” She snorted.

“Whatever,” I brushed it off. “That’s because we’re friends.”

“God, Izzy. Why are you so blind? Watching the two of you together is like seeing two pieces of a puzzle. You guys fit. A perfect match. The intensity radiating off of the two of you is incredible. Nothing compared to you and…”

“Don’t,” I hissed at her. “Don’t you even think about bringing that up.”

“You’re going to have to deal with it sometime,” She argued.

“Bree, why can’t you just let it be?” I could feel my eyes starting to sting up. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Please.”

She stayed silent for a while and I refused to look at her.

“What’s the real reason here, Izzy?” Bree said softly.

“I…”

“Why are you crying, babe?” She pulled me into her arms. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until she mentioned it. “You like Brendon, right? And before you answer don’t you even think about giving me that  ‘just as a friend’ crap.”

“Yes,” I said quietly.

“Do you love him?”

Did I?

“No.”

Not yet

“But I think I could,” My throat started to tighten. “But Bree I can’t.”

“And why the hell not?” She demanded.

Because I can’t risk getting hurt

“You know why, B,” I cried. “You know why.”

“Oh Iz,” She frowned at me and I could see her eyes starting to water as well. “He’s not like that. I know it. I can feel it.”

“You don’t know that for sure. I want to believe it, Bree. Everything inside me is screaming he’s different but I can’t know for sure,” I shook my head. “No one can.”

“But I do,” She looked me square in the eye. “He’s not Noah, Izabel,” I flinched at his name and curled in on myself a bit.

 “I can’t,” I refused again. “You have no idea how much I want to just… let myself go again, fall in love again but I can’t.”

“He was a douche, Izzy,” Bree sighed. “You fell hard for him and he knew it. So he used you and kept you along for the ride just so he could…”

“Break my heart,” I finished. “That’s my problem though, B, I fall to hard and too fast. I won’t let that happen again.”

“It won’t!” She threw her hands up in frustration and then Mr. Nishimura shushed her. She flipped him off when he turned around causing some of our classmates snickered. “The thing was, you and Noah were never friends. You met, dated, became boyfriend and girlfriend then you broke up. You and Brendon are getting to know each other. I think you’d be able to tell if he was a douche by now. Besides, the way you look at Brendon is completely different from the way you looked at Noah.” I took a sharp breath in again at his name. “Brendon and Noah are polar opposites. It’s different this time, Izzy. It’s real.”

“It’s hard, Bree. I don’t think me and Brendon will...”

“How do you know if you don’t try?” She cut me off.

“I need to take things slow, Bree,” I said firmly. “I’m going to do this right, this time.”

“Izzy, you can’t get anymore right then you and Brendon.”

“Then let me figure that out on my own.”

*----Brendon----*

“Just friends my ass!” Spencer yelled and the teacher gave him a dirty look.

“Nah, I believe him,” Jon said and I smiled gratefully at him. “What happened last night with him and Izzy was nothing. They were being friendly. Very friendly,” Jon waggled his eyebrows and I groaned.

“Just leave it alone, guys,” I begged.

“Look, we’re a band now. Bands don’t keep secrets,” Spencer argued. “Do you like Izzy?”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Ryan’s voice came out of nowhere and I jumped.

“When did you get here?”

“I had to drive my dad to the hospital again,” He rolled his eyes. “That’s why I was late. So, answer my question.”

“Yes,” There really was no point in hiding it. Plus, I wanted them to know. I wanted to have people to talk to about it. “Yeah, I really do.”

“Oh there’s that stupid love-sick smile,” Jon groaned. I smiled at Jon and rolled my eyes.

“There’s nothing stupid about it,” I retorted. “It’s actually a really great feeling to just get it out.”

“There it is again,” Spencer snorted.

“Oh god, we’re losing him!” Ryan wailed dramatically. “Another mate lost to a girl. Let’s go guys. Brendon’s gone.” They jokingly began to pack up their stuff and I wacked the back of Ryan’s head.

“If you’re worried about anyone losing their head over a girl, you all should be pointing your fingers at Ryan,” I narrowed my eyes at him. “He’s been dating Bree for only a few weeks and they’ve already said the ‘L’ word.”

“Aw, dude!” Ryan’s face flushed. “I told you not to tell anyone.”

“We’re a band. Band’s don’t have secrets,” I mimicked Spencer’s earlier words.

“Touché,” He glared at me.

The bell rang dismissing class. We packed up our bags and walked to our next class.

“Oh look Romeo,” Ryan nudged me. “Juliet is here.”

I saw Izzy from across the hall and I felt myself smile. Izzy glanced up and saw me looking at her. A delicate blush danced across her cheeks and she gently smiled back at me while waving but something off. Something wasn’t right. The closer she got to me the more I noticed the red puffiness of her eyes.

She had been crying…  

“Hey there, Iz,” I greeted and wrapped my arms around her.

“Hey, Brenny bear,” She said back and I smiled at the nickname she picked up from my siblings.  

“Hey why does she get to call you that?” Ryan whined.

I ignored him, “What’s wrong?” She shook her head and whispered a quiet ‘nothing’. I wasn’t stupid. I could tell something was obviously wrong. She avoided looking at me so I pulled her tighter into my arms. “You can tell me anything. You know that, Iz.”

“I know,” She sighed and placed her forehead on my chest. “I just don’t want to talk about it.”

I wanted to demand an answer. I wanted to get angry for her keeping something from me. But I couldn’t. Instead I placed my chin on the top of her head and relented, “Fine, will you tell me later?”

“Maybe.”

That would have to do for now

“Do I get to know?” Jon asked. I could feel her shake her head and laugh a little.

“Sure Jon,” She agreed and I gaped at her. A small noise escaped me and she laughed. “I’m not really going to tell him, you know,” She whispered to me. “He’s going to forget about it in the next few minutes.”

“True,” We both laughed and Jon was still clueless.

“Let’s go to lunch.”

*----Izzy----*

“All right, Iz,” Brendon started and I immediately groaned. He chuckled and ruffled my hair a bit. “What’s going on?”

I sighed and fell back on my bed. “It’s nothing, really.”

“God Iz,” He shook his head. “What is it that you can’t tell me? It’s me. We never keep things from each other.”

His face broke my heart. “Brendon…”

“You know what,” He said and reached for his jacket. “I think I’m gonna go.”

“No,” I argued. “Brendon stop. Don’t leave.”

“Why?” He kept his back facing me.

“Brendon this isn’t easy for me to talk about okay?” I could feel myself caving. “I want to tell you what’s bothering me. I want to tell you everything. Brendon you have to know there’s no one else I’d rather pour my heart out to then you but I haven’t talked to anyone about this except for Bree and my mom. It’s hard for me to even think about it and…” My throat tightened and I blinked frantically to get rid of the tears. “God, I just keep crying today.”

I saw his shoulder lift slightly and then fall. He quickly turned around and walked swiftly towards me. His hands cupped my face and he leaned down towards me. I thought he was going to kiss me.

He didn’t

“You shouldn’t cry,” His thumbs brushed the skin under my eyes. “When you’re sad, I’m sad. Izzy, I understand now that you can’t tell me. I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’m sorry for pushing you. I guess I’m just not use to you keeping things from me. Can you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Brenny bear,” I removed his hands from my face and turned around to walk to my bed. “It’s better if I sit down for this.”

His eyes widened. “Iz, you don’t have to tell me…”

“No,” I cut him off. “Really. It’s fine.”

“If you’re sure,” He took a seat next to me on the bed.

“I’m sure,” I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves.

“Really,” He questioned. “Cause it’s doesn’t look like it.”

I laughed through my nose a little bit. “My sophomore year I met this guy, Noah, in my Advisory. He was everything I looked for, at that time, in a guy. Noah was absolutely perfect; at least I thought so. We dated for a while and eventually we got together. See the thing about me is, is that I fall easy. Too easy. Noah knew how deeply I loved him and he used that against me. I was so stupid. I should have seen it but I was blinded.”

I never knew how painful it would be to relive that all over again. Little by little I could feel my heart tearing just as it did two years ago.

“Izabel you don’t have to do this,” Brendon said softly.

“No,” It came out shaky. “I have to do this. Noah was on the football team and they had just won their first game. We went to homecoming together and we danced a little bit but I could tell something was off with Noah. He was quiet and he didn’t talk to anyone. I went with Bree to the bathroom for all of five minutes and when I got back… he was drunk. I was upset and hurt. Noah was being a jerk so I started yelling at him. He grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me outside. I could already tell it was going to leave a bruise.”

“He hurt you?” Brendon’s voice was tense and his eyes were squeezed shut.

“At the time, I thought it was only because he was drunk. So I let it go. Another thing about me is… I forgive too easily.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Brendon nearly growled. “He hurt you.”

I placed my hand on his arm, “It’s in the past.”

“What happened after?”

“We argued for a bit and then he took me to his car and he just drove. At first, I thought he was going to take me home but when he took a different exit… I knew that wasn’t where we were going.” I took in a deep breath and willed myself not to cry. “He took me to a motel and told me that he rented us a room for… for…”

“You don’t have to say it,” Brendon squeezed my hand and I smiled gratefully at him. Then I continued.  

“If I was mad before,” I laughed bitterly. “It was nothing compared to the rage I felt at that moment. I couldn’t control myself and I slapped him. We had been together for only a month and he thought that I would let him ‘get lucky’ after he acted the way he did with me,” I shook my head. “I wasn’t the only one angry though. That night the truth came out about him. Noah told me that he only asked me out because he and his friends had a bet of how long it would take to get in my pants. He told me how it took everything in him not to laugh every time I told him I loved him. That’s when I realized he never said it back to me. He only smirked at me then changed the subject. I had never felt so used in my entire life. Noah said some other rude things that I’d rather not repeat but the gist of it was that I was useless if I wasn’t hot and that I should just ‘give up the goods’. He said I was ‘un-loveable’ and I believe him.”

“You’re not any of those things and he’s wrong about no one loving you,” He told me firmly and I grinned at him.

“I know that now. Anyway, he left me there alone. Standing in front of the run-down motel. I would have gone inside but I was too embarrassed. I didn’t have my phone on me so I walked home. The next day I made one of the most stupidest decisions in my life. I went back to him.”

“What?” Brendon’s eyes widened. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I was so in love with him. I couldn’t let him go and I was such an idiot,” I whispered the last word. “I thought that maybe because he was drunk he wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t mean it. I was so afraid of losing him. I thought that he was my only chance at happiness. When Noah arrived at school I went up to talk to him and it turned out that he wasn’t joking. That very same night he had met up with one of his ex’s and… he cheated on me.” 

“My heart was broken and that was when I promised myself not to fall for another dumb high school guy.  I vowed to wait until I got older and knew that I could handle a relationship. I kept to myself for the rest of the year and completely shut down; I wasn’t myself. Landon and Bree said I was literally the walking dead.”

“What happened to, Noah?” Brendon asked through gritted teeth.

“He moved away that summer,” I said in a distant voice. “I didn’t think it was possible but my heart broke even more when I heard the news. I know it’s stupid. I should have been happy that he was gone but I wasn’t. I felt completely and utterly alone. That was until…”

“Until what?”

“Until I met you.”

**********************************************************************

I, I know why

Because when I look in her eyes, I just see the sky

When I look in her eyes, well, I just see the sky

I don’t love you I’m just passing the time

You could love me if I knew how to lie

But who could love me? I am out of my mind

Throwing a line out to sea

To see if I can catch a dream 

______________________________________________________

So we finally got to know what Izzy's big secret was. What did you guys think about that? Is she right to hold off her feelings for Brendon because of what Noah did? Or do you think she should just move past that and let it go? Let me know. 

Anyway, this is just a little heads up to everyone. I don't plan on keeping the story plot in high school for much longer. Most of my story will take place when the band gets famous. I was trying to work on keeping them in school for a while but honestly... who wants to hear about school more than Panic! At The Disco? Yeah, exactly... no one. So, in a little while they'll all be graduating and heading on to the real world. Anyone got any suggestions?