I Know What Sin Is

Breathe. One. Two. Three.

"Hey!" Sarah yelled at me. "Yoo-hoo. Ben. Are you gonna help me or am I carrying all this shit by myself?"

I turned, trying to snap out of it. It being staring up at the large, intimidating-as-fuck dorm building that was about to be my home for the next two years.

Labor Day weekend was when all the students at Indiana Lakeside College moved in, and Sarah and I had arrived late Monday afternoon, after two long days on the road.

She'd had it easy. Sneakers propped up on my dash, screaming the lyrics to Taylor Swift songs while I downed a third cup of gas station coffee and tried to drive in a straight line.

"Coming," I muttered.

"What's wrong with you?" my best friend asked as I walked back to my Impala, where she was wrestling a suitcase out of the backseat. "I thought you'd be more excited."

I couldn't tell if it was all the caffeine making my heart race, or if it was finally dawning on me that this was real. Classes start tomorrow. No going back.

"Just, uh... mini panic attack. You know." I exhaled slowly.

She ignored me and gripped my arm excitedly as I joined her. "Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening. Like, we're finally here. After all these years." She tucked a strand of her sky-blue hair behind her ear. "Man, I wish we could room together."

I forced a strained smile. Going off to college had always been Sarah's dream, not mine. I just sort of went along with it, the same way I went along with all of her ideas.

For ten years, Sarah had been my guiding light. Some days I didn't think I could have managed to feed myself without her. She and her mom moved into my apartment building when we were both in second grade, and just like that, we'd become best friends.

Extremely exclusive best friends.

If Sarah had her way, I probably would never talk to another soul besides her again.

"Well just get me a wig and some 5SOS posters and they'll probably let us," I joked as we walked up the front steps.

She punched my shoulder. "Shut up. I bet you're gonna get a girlfriend within the week and then you won't have time to hang out with me anymore." For the near-decade that I'd known her, the dating rumors and encouragements had existed. Even Sarah's mom, Andrea, said that we'd make a cute couple in seventh grade.

I couldn't say I'd never thought about what dating Sarah would look like. We already did everything together. Hung out every weekend, fell asleep watching movies on her couch. I spent more time at her apartment than mine. But then she would start talking about a boy she had a crush on, and I would remember my place. I was just the guy best friend. If I was going to make a move, the opportunity passed years ago.

Inside, a girl with a yellow T-shirt that read Orientation Leader asked for our names. I stayed silent as she flipped through the list on her clipboard, waiting for Sarah to introduce us, then remembered that only I lived in this building.

"Um, Benjamin Dalton," I said, forcing some volume into my voice.

"Great, got you!" The girl crossed off my name with a bright orange highlighter. "You're on the third floor. I'll grab your key. I'm Anjali, and if you have any questions about the move-in process feel free to ask! I'm here all afternoon."

My eyes flitted past the lobby to a small lounge, empty except for a sticker-covered laptop and tumbler on the table, which probably belonged to Anjali. I glanced back, her eyes filled with a silent plea not to have any questions. She had probably been doing this all day for three days straight.

"I think we'll be okay," I said as she handed me the key. A card with the room number was attached to the ring. "Thank you."

Sarah and I took the elevator up, armed with my suitcase and a few boxes. Luckily, I didn't have many possessions worth bringing. Sarah had warned me that a bare room was a sure-fire way to feel homesick, but I preferred having less to carry.

The hallway upstairs was empty besides a muscular shirtless guy walking in the opposite direction. He looked like he'd just come from the gym, breathing hard. The whole hallway smelled of sweat.

"Ugh. I knew I didn't want to come up here," she muttered, bumping into my shoulder once he'd turned the corner.

"What?" I laughed. "Didn't you want to get a boyfriend within the week?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, not some guy like that. Maybe like a quiet emo kid with some cool piercings."

"Oh, of course," I said, mocking her dreamy tone. "His red eyes will be well hidden by the long strands of greasy black hair falling in front of his stunning pepperoni pizza face... the two hairs of mustache he tried to grow will tickle against your rosy lips as you lean in..."

"Oh, shut up, Ben," she snapped. "We're here." I realized we were standing in front of my room.

I unlocked the door and we both dumped my stuff on the floor. Looking up, I surveyed the room. There were two beds, one bare with nothing but a paper-thin mattress, and another on the opposite wall, made up with a thick mattress topper, comforter and three pillows too many. A string of blue lights bordered the ceiling above.

"I told you to get a mattress topper," Sarah giggled.

"It's fine," I gritted. I gave the bare mattress a pat. It was about as soft as a rock. "I don't need one."

Beside each bed, there was a small desk and a plain wooden dresser. Whoever my roommate was, he wasn't much of an organizer. The dresser drawers on his side were slightly ajar, random articles of clothing hanging out.

"This place ain't too shabby," Sarah said. "No TV, though."

I chuckled. "I think I'll be happy to afford ramen and Domino's on special occasions."

She pointed to the messy bed. "Looks like someone's doing better than ramen." A partially open MacBook Pro sat on top of the sheets.

"I'm gonna check out the bathroom," I said, walking over to the small room. A wet toothbrush was lying on the countertop and there was toothpaste smeared along the side. Gross. The floor by the shower was all wet and the clear door was partially ajar. A dirty towel lay partially in and partially out of the shower.

At least he showers, I thought.

I was about to call Sarah to come see the mess when I heard the door slam and a deep voice that certainly didn't belong to my friend. "Who the fuck are you?" someone yelled. I ducked out of the bathroom to see Sarah standing in the middle of the room, staring at a person clinging to the doorframe. I turned.

And goddamn.

I blinked twice just to assure myself that this man was real. I watched him for a split second, my eyes unable to resist flickering over his body, which looked like a cross between a GQ model and a greek statue. He was at least a head taller than me and his curly blonde hair was messier than mine after sleeping for five days straight. My heart sank a little.

I'd really been hoping for some ugly nerd kid who wouldn't talk to me and just do homework all day.

You know, someone who would easily not be on my mind.

"Hello?" he slurred. I noticed his buttoned shirt, half untucked from his pants, and a glimpse of the sharp V-line that disappeared past his waistband. Jesus Christ. I tore my gaze up to his bleary blue eyes. Something about the absence of color in them was unsettling. Sarah was staring too, so intently in fact she didn't notice me. "Did you get lost, smurfy?" he asked her. "This is my room."

"Uh, it's mine too," I spoke up. "I think I'm your roommate."

"Shhhhhhhh. God. Don't need to fucking shout," he shouted, and I exchanged a disgusted look with Sarah as he half-walked, half-stumbled over to his bed. We watched him collapse onto the computer and groan in pain, that crinkle of disapproval lingering on her face.

"What a dick," she whispered. "Smurfy? Seriously? Ben, you should just come live with me."

I considered. That might actually be worse. At least here I'd have my own space. My own life. That was what college was all about, right? Starting fresh?

"It's fine," I muttered. "Adversity builds character, right?"

"Or destroys it," she said.

Either way, I was in for a hell of a ride.

"Alright, I'mma bouce. Gotta go see my room and scope out the situation. Find out if my roomies are party animals or bio majors." She smiled. Her bright white teeth shone. "Enjoy your new home."

"Fine," I sighed. "Call me later then?" I glanced over at the guy, who was seemingly asleep.

My previous plan had been to sit down and interrogate my roommates on all facets of campus life. The classes. The professors. The cafeteria food. This guy didn't seem up for questioning. And I didn't exactly get the sense we would become buddies.

Sarah gave me one last look of pity. I opened the door for her. "You know how to get to your room?" I asked. "Or like, even what building it's in?"

"You're always so worried about me, Ben." Her arms slid around my upper torso and I stiffened up. Then I realized she was going for a hug. "I'll be fine," she said, letting her head press to my chest. "I'm a big girl now."

She threw me one last nod and strolled down the hall, her hands in the back pockets of her jean shorts. I twisted my head to look back inside.

Mr-One-Too-Many-Shots was lying face-down on the bed, his tanned arms stretched around his head to block out the light.

Something about him made me uneasy.

I tried to be quiet as I cleaned, unpacking my bags and putting my clothes neatly into the dresser drawers. I set up the few things I'd brought from home on my desk. A framed photo of me and Sarah on graduation day. An autographed baseball passed down from my grandfather. A couple odd trinkets I had picked up over the years.

Lastly I made the bed. The sheets I'd brought were too big to fit the matress, so I just bunched them up and hoped for the best. I'm gonna have to go to sleep on this stupid little thing every night for the rest of the year? I thought.

I pulled out my phone and tapped Sarah's name in my recent calls.

"What's up?" Her high-pitched voice sounded through the speaker. "I'm only, like, halfway down these stupid stairs."

"It's boring here," I said, belly-flopping onto my bed. "Tell me about the stairs."