THIRTY THREE.   YOU CAN'T AVOID THE INEVITABLE

      Mia all of a sudden felt shy around Carl. She never felt this way before, not even their first meeting when he instantly didn't like her. She only felt uncomfortable then. Now, under his gaze which was completely different, she was reminded that she was in deep just a fifteen year old girl. They sat in the back of the fire truck across from each other, their legs pressing against each other's. Carl eyed a passed out Eugene. "Do I want to know?" He questioned.

"It's a long story," she muttered in response, a comical smile curling on the corner of her lips.

Carl smiled back. He messed his hands on his lap. "I didn't think I was going to see you again," he whispered, wanting their conversation to be private.

Mia formed a frown. The guilty feeling returned in her stomach. "I'm so sorry. I never should have left." She whispered back.

He shook his head. "You wanted to get justice for your family. It doesn't matter how much it hurt, I understand. Don't ever feel guilty for it."

She managed to form a smile. She looked down at her hands, the skin around her fingers picked and chewed. She watched him slowly hold out his and Mia placed her hand in his palm, his touch cold but it brought her warmth.

"We're going to get Beth," he said.

She nodded. "We are."

"How do you feel about that?"

Mia smiled again. It was kid like, the kind that made your eyes crinkle and your nose scrunch up. Carl thought it was a cute smile. "I'm happy," she answered with a light nod. She eyed their hands again. "I think about her all the time, whether she was gone or not, and it hurt every time to think she was. She was always so kind to me when I first arrived at the prison. I lost my sister. . ." She met his eyes again. "But I feel like I gained a new one."

They drove a while longer into the city. Everybody was quiet, Maggie eager and her leg bouncing anxiously. When they arrived at the hospital, Mia and Carl climbed out the back. She held on tightly to her knife. She eyed the multiple dead walkers along the path. Glenn killed one and then Michonne. Mia looked over her shoulder at Maggie and she smiled, the woman returning the gesture.

Tonight was about people getting what they want. She let her oars fall into the water. She waved a white flag. Beth was what they wanted. Good for them for getting what they wanted. She was in the palm of their hands. The anticipation was so thick she forgot how to breathe and yet it was so still it almost stopped her heart. Tonight was about people getting what they wanted. Tonight people should be happy. She should be happy. So happy that forgot to worry about tomorrow.

Somewhere, they forgot about tomorrow. Her hands trail in the water. She should never have dropped the oar. The happiness would never come.

Maggie's piercing scream sliced through the still air. Mia's heart was beating, the sound so loud it drained out all the noise around her. The air got caught in her throat, really making it hard to breathe. Seeing Daryl carry Beth's dead body was the worst case of deja vu and she was forced to relive the day she had to watch the walkers eat her sister. She heard the noises and it made her sick. She couldn't hold her because there was no more of her. A tiny body dinner for the undead.

She doesn't feel herself falling to the hard the ground, her legs giving up on her. She can't feel her hands press to the pavement and her dry heaving because she can't catch her breath. Her heart pounded against her ribs. She can't feel Carl's hands on her shoulder and back or hear him trying to calm her down. She can't even hear her own cries. Everything around her seemed to disappear. She should've never let go of that oar.

There's a difference kind of grief that follows sisters. It's a sacred relationship. It's two people who have known each other their whole lives. You feel each other's pain, cause each other pain, you share tears, you share clothes, you kick and scream and fight, you love and comfort and hold. It's a friendship bonded by blood. For older sisters, it's carrying the weight of their mistakes on your shoulders. It's being the strong one, the enduring the pain of the world so they don't have to. It's never loving anyone the way you love your little sister.

So what becomes of you when that sister dies? Do you stop being a sister? Or are you always a sister even when the other half of the equation is gone? Does the title of sister disappear? Is my reflection in the mirror no longer there?

Nobody understands the pain of losing a sister quite like a sister.

They buried Beth. They burned her body. Mia didn't know how to speak. She was afraid to. It was as if everything she uttered backfired on her. Whenever she felt hopeful, the world took something from her. She was scared.

Mia didn't feel like a person in that moment. She was a shell made to look like a teenage girl, but on the inside she was empty. She was tired. She felt feeble. This was her life. No matter how hard she tried to avoid it, death was inevitable and it was all around her. You can't avoid the inevitable.

Beth's death stunned them all but most couldn't muster the strength to talk about it. It weighed heavy on all their minds. She was so sweet. She was innocent. She was brave and yet she wasn't strong enough to handle what the world brought upon her. It wasn't her destiny.

Mia chewed on the skin around her nails until he drew blood. The metallic stained her lips and yet she didn't flinch when her flesh tore. It was almost like she wanted to feel pain but she didn't feel anything physically, it was all emotionally. Mentally. She was drained completely. She didn't cry. She didn't scream. Her voice didn't waver. She was made of stone.

Carl was different. His vulnerability couldn't be controlled. He knew Beth longer than she did. He grew up with her. She knew him as a boy. He had a crush on her. She was flawless in his eyes. How was it possible that somebody like Beth could die this way? It didn't make sense to him. He held her hand when he wasn't holding Judith. He cried into her shoulder when she allowed him to hug her. He spoke his thoughts even she didn't speak hers.

Maggie's head was on her lap, Mia's hands soothing her hair. She cried and cried until it made her tired. The young girl wanted so badly to console her, to speak, but she just couldn't talk. She stared at the crackling fire, the flames dancing in the reflection of her blue eyes. Her blinks were heavy, her eyes tired.

Carl wasn't far, the sleeping baby in his arms. His face was stained with tears, his eyes puffy, but he tried to remain strong. There wasn't time to cry. They had to find a place to go.

Mia felt Maggie squeeze her hand and she heard another quiet cry. Then, she felt a tear fall on her skin. She continued brush her hair with her other hand. They felt each other's pain. They were older sisters. They carried the weight of their sister's mistakes and now they were both feeling the regret of the fights, the tears, the moments taken for granted. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore. And yet she cannot let it go. She cannot let it go.

Mia had not gotten the chance to talk to Noah since he joined their group under the unfortunate circumstances they've faced, but he told them about his home in Virginia, the place Beth was going to take him when they escaped the hospital. This family was there. There was a community for them. A chance for a fresh start, whatever that was. They followed Rick's orders and he took the risk. He trusted Noah to direct them the right away.

A small group rode with Noah while the rest followed back, letting them take the lead. Virginia was 500 miles away. They were low on gas. Mia wasn't sure how far they'd make it. The dreadful feeling that confused her hadn't taken over all of them. Nobody talked besides Carol, who Rick gave the walkie talkie to. Mia's head rested against the car window and she found herself counting the trees as they drove by. She forgot what number she was on so she started over, and she kept on for god knows how many miles.

Carl was worried about her. She hadn't said a work since Beth died. She was completely shut down. When she looked at him, her eyes were dull. She was spaced out. When he cried, she hugged him but she didn't cry. It was almost robotic. Carl knew that she shut down like this when she was sad, but it was different this time. She loved Beth. She loved the Greene sisters. They were becoming closer and now Beth was gone. She already lost a sister. She understood the feeling better than anyone. He was scared for her.

But at the same time, he was afraid to say anything. He knew her. He really knew her, but Carl didn't know what to say to pull her out of her own head. He stayed close to her but he didn't know what to say and he hated it.

After a while, they stopped driving and started walking through the woods. Mia sat on the ground with her back against a tree, messing with her knife. She stared at it, her blue eyes reflecting off the cold metal, and she pressed the tip of it into her thumb. Unconsciously, Mia found herself pressing harder until it broke skin, then she flinched. She wiped the blood on her pant leg.

Carol wasn't too far from her, walking around with her gun, keeping clear of any walkers that might appear. She heard the walkie talkie static. "Hey, Carol?" Rick's voice came through.

"I'm here," she answered, holding the device close to her mouth.

"We're halfway there. Just wanted to check the range."

"Everybody's holding tight. We've made it five hundred miles," Carol told him. She looked over and watched the young girl mess with her knife, her face stoic. "Maybe this will be the easy part."

Mia wanted to laugh. Nothing about this was easy.

Their call ended. "How come you're by yourself?" Carol asked her, her eyes wondering around the woods.

She continued to gently run her fingers along the blade. "I don't know," she mumbled, it being the first sentence she spoke, but it was so quiet that it was barely audible.

Carol faced her. "I thought maybe you'd be with Carl," she made small talk which was completely unlike her.

Mia swirled her tongue around her mouth, hating the feeling from not being able to brush her teeth. She just shook her head. She put the knife on her lap and started picking at her nails.

The woman sighed. She wasn't good at talking with kids. Or maybe she simply didn't want to. Every child that crossed her path was gone. After a while, you kind of learn to give up. But Carol walked closer to her. She leaned against the tree, a silence overcoming them for a second before she sighed. "In times like these, it's nice to know you have somebody to relate to, talk to," she began.

Mia simply looked up at her.

"You're just a kid, Mia. You shouldn't be bottling up everything you're feeling. It's going to destroy you. Trust me. You have a lot of people around you that will help you. Don't push us away."

She watched Carol walk off to continue her search. Mia tightened her jaw. Just talk. Say something! Her brain screamed at her. But instead, she pressed her thumb against the blade of her knife again, drawing more blood.

The teenager wondered off on her own. She looked to the sky, the hot sun beaming down on her face, making her freckles pop and her nose burn. She watched the way the light peaked through the leaves and when she spun around, the light changed. She would have smiled if she had the strength. She was suddenly that thirteen or fourteen year old girl again, lost in the woods all alone with nothing but a backpack to her name. How did she wind up back to square one?

Mia eyed a tree that sat in her direct line of view. Bored, she took out her knife, twirled it in her hands, and then threw it. It bounced off the tree and landed on the ground. She walked over and picked it up, then she backed up and threw it again, harder that time. It did the same thing as before. Huffing, Mia retrieved her knife again and held it up. She stared deeply at the tree and flung her knife as hard as she could. This time, it stuck in the tree.

"I hope you're not picturing somebody's face,"

Mia stiffened. She went and grabbed her knife from the tree. "Just some walkers," she spoke.

Carl found himself grinning that she was actually talking. "My dad taught me how to throw darts when I was eight. We used to throw them around the house. My mom would get mad at us when they landed in the walls."

The faintest of smiles twitched on her lips. "My dad and Lucas used to wrestle in the living room. Paris had just been born. One day, dad threw a Lucas over his shoulder and he kicked the TV. Busted a hole right through it."

He laughed. "And where were you?"

Mia threw the knife into the tree again. She sighed under her breath. "I was at the kitchen table, coloring." She went and grabbed the knife from the tree. "I remember my mom yelling "first my picture frame now a damn tv?" She mimicked her mother's voice, something missed so much.

Carl chuckled and smiled. "It's nice we can remember things like that. They're good memories."

She kept her back to him. Mia frowned deeply, a pit forming in her empty stomach. "I'm not sure what the point is of keeping them," she vocalized.

He frowned at that. Carl rubbed his sweaty hands on his pant legs.

"Where's Judith?"

"Oh, Rosita's got her. I think she likes her," he explained. There was a silence and she the few her knife into the tree again with a loud grunt. He frowned again. "Mia, please look at me."

The girl sighed and dropped her arms by her side. "I can't."

"W-Why not?"

"Because I might start crying if I do."

Carl walked forward, slowly, and he hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder. He felt her flinch. "I want you to cry," he confessed, as strange as it sounded. "I want you to smile. I want you to laugh. I want you to scream. I want to see you emotional. I'm worried about you, Amelia—"

Mia spun around, finally meeting his gaze. He stood tall over her, the brim of his cowboy hat almost covering his eyes. His skin glistened with sweat. Carl stared at her indecisively, like he couldn't make up his mind on what to do or say. Mia found herself softening her gaze and it scared her. She didn't want to feel this way.

His fingertips brushed against hers, the hand that wasn't holding the knife. His eyes locked with hers until he found them trailing to her parted lips. He didn't know how he'd felt this way. He never felt this way for anybody before, not even Felicity, not even Beth.

Mia blinked once, then her own eyes fell to his lips, and she forced herself to back away. She watched him frown. "We should go see if your dad's made an update yet," she voiced and walked away from him, leaving him standing confused.

Don't push us away, she heard Carol's voice as she quickened her pace through the woods, her breathing quickening up.

You can't avoid the inevitable. Everybody dies. Everything will die. The world was dying around them. Everybody who she loved was dying. Her heart was too fragile to deal with anymore deaths. She was a weak child. She wasn't strong like they believed her to be.

You love him. Don't put him away.

The world's going to take him from me.