Note: I may sandwich, but I won't sugarcoat. I also tried, critiquing in full Filipino. I failed.

Title: Kimberly

By: Dayanarysong

Nang binasa ko ang titulo, akala ko talaga babae si Kimberly lol.

Anyways, using a name as a title for a book is not an unusual thing. A ton of writers use it, and giventhe right name, a book could look appealing to the readers, when they read.

As for your title, it did not work personally for me because I have this thing for patterns. Once I get the gist of something, I no longer take a liking to it. But that's just me and my prejudice self.

So why am I saying this? That's because I want you to know that there isn't a book that works for all audiences. There are really people that would ignore your book no matter how good it is. And I may not like this title, but I can name a number of people who will surely open your book once they see this. Everything is just a matter of readers preference.

So objectively speaking, this title is a good title.

(Excuse my love to blabber)

Blurb

Blurb does look catchy. It's the common kind of blurb that most novelist use, but it's a blurb that works pretty well when it comes to getting readers attention. Siguro kaunting hilot lang para mas maging kaaya-aya pa sya.

POV

Ang ginagamit mong POV ay Third Person Point of View, Omniscient. Ibig sabihin, hindi kasali ang narrator sa istorya. This kind of POV is also like looking at the characters through a birds eye view. Ibig sabihin ang narrator ay all knowing at all seeing.

Ngunit kahit all knowing at all seeing and third person, wala itong kakayahan na marinig ang internal monologue ng isang karakter, kagaya nang nangyayari sa k'wento mo.

Halimbawa ay ang parteng ito:

Imbes na gawin mo siyang isang internal monologue, mas makabubuti kung isalaysay mo na lamang sya.

Halimbawa 1

Hindi nya maintindihan kung bakit nais sya nitong patayin. Wala syang ginawang masama. Nagtatrabaho sya ng marangal sa Night Club at kailanman ay hindi pumasok sa isip nya ang magnakaw.

Halimbawa 2

Kailangan n'yang makatakas. Hindi pa n'ya ninanais ang mamatay. Papano na lamang ang kanyang pamilya, ang kanyang ina at kapatid kapag nawala sya?

Something like that. This way, the mood of the entire story can be sustained, and POV confusions can be avoided. May mga parte kasi na nakakalimutan ko na, na third person pala ito at hindi first person dahil sa mga internal monologue ng karakter.

Huwag mong pagtaksilan ang POV na iyong ginagamit (charot).

Characters

Dina Cassa- ang ating pangunahing karakter. May mga kakilala ako na mga kagaya nya ang trabaho, at kagaya rin nya ay makuwela silang kausap at walang habas ang mga bibig. Dahil sa kanyang kakaibang ugali, nagiging mas nakakatuwa basahin ang kwento.

Kimberly - ang syang titulo ng kwento. Isang lalakeng maginoo at may prangkang pag-uugali although napakainsensitibo rin minsan. Ang pinili mong pag-uugali ni Kimberly isang magandang balanse para sa wild na si Dina. Kaya naman, hindi maipagkakaila ang chemistry nilang dalawa.

Shanta - The b*tch. That pretty much describes her entire character lol. So si Shanta ang pinakahadlang sa kwentong ito. At ang masasabi ko lang ay maayos nya na nagagampanan ang nakakairita nyang karakter.

Hindi ko na ilalathala pa ang iba pang mga karakter. Ngunit ang masasabi ko lang ay maganda ang paggawa mo sa kanila. May iba-iba silang pag-uugali na syang madali para sa mga mambabasa na maalala sila.

Flow

Ang panimulang daloy ng iyong kwento ay maayos. Ngunit habang tumatagal, napapansin ko na may mga nakakalitong talon ang kwento mo, kagaya ng parteng ito:

Before this it was narrated that someone yelled that she's an Inprobus. Then she ran, and then a soldier found her and followed her.

Ngunit kung makikita mo sa itaas ay wala nang nakasulat na indikasyon na nasundan pa pala sya nito sa layo ng tinakbo nya. Basta bigla nalang ay  dumating itong parang isang kabute. At hindi lang ito nangyari sa parteng ito, habang tumatagal ang kwento ay mas lalong dumadami ang ganitong biglaang talon, na syang nakakapagpalito habang nagbabasa.

Sa kalagitnaan ng kwento, pansin ko rin na parang minadali na lamang syang matapos.

The farther I read, the sloppier things are getting and when I reach the ending, I was prove right. Pero pag-uusapan natin 'yan mamaya sa Plot.

Masyado ring mahaba ang bawat chapter ng kwento mo. Wala namang masama doon. Kaso nga lang, madalas ay nawawala ang gana ng mga mambabasa kapag ganoon. Ang nangyayari, ay may nililiban silang mga parte, o kaya naman ay hindi na talaga nila itinutuloy ang pagbabasa. Siguro try cutting off some parts that aren't that necessary for the entire story.

Also, if you check Wattpad's tips about writing, makikita mo doon na binibigyan nila ang mga manunulat ng advice, na as much as possible, limitihan sa 2000 words ang bawat chapter ng kwento nila. This is because more than that has a high tendency of making the readers interest grow cold.

Grammar and othe Technical stuff:

Ayos lang sa'kin ang pagiging conyo ng bida dahil parte na iyon ng karakter nya. Ngunit may nakikita akong mga kaunting technical errors, pero hindi naman sya nakakasira sa kwento.

May fragmented rin na mga pangungusap akong nakikita kagaya ng parteng ito.

Ang saka, ay ginagamit sa pangungusap na ito bilang isang conjunction.

Ibig sabihin kulang ang parteng ito at hindi maaaring tawaging isang buong pangungusap. May mga ganito ka pang makikita kung susuriin mo ang mga sumunod pang kabanata.

Plot

Maayos ang iyong pagsisimula ng iyong plot. The story actually looked promising.

However, most stories that I've  read so far gets better and better, the longer the chapter goes. Yours is the exact opposite. And the last chapter and the epilogue itself was a bummer.

Agreed, you want it to end in a tragedy, that's okay, that's life. You know, pinagtagpo pero 'di tinadhana. However, the last chapter looked like a last minute shower, na pinagsasabay nalang ang pagsasabon at pagsashampoo, pati pag razor ng mga buhok sa paa, dahil gusto mo nang matapos.

Dahil dito ang dapat malungkot at mapanakit na mood ng kwento ay hindi masyadong nabigyan ng emphasis. Maybe if you have extended it to a few more chapters and unfolded everything slowly, it would have achieve that certain mood.

Ang epilogue mismo ay isang buong problema. The epilogue is supposed to be a closure, something that'll make the reader's opened wounds, bleed even more. But everything is way, way, way too fast.

Hindi isang kasalanan kung hahabaan mo pa nang kaunti, ang epilogue. Try to add more detail, and take your time.

Isipin mo kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ni Dina kapag nakita nyang muli si Kimberly, lalo na at sa labas pa ng Urbe Sancti. That is a very important detail when it comes building the needed emotion for this part.

Play around this questions?
How would you feel when you see the person that you love and still love, after so many years— knowing your story ended in a tragedy?
What would be the first thing that you'll do?
How would you react?

Base on Dina's real character, her reactions and actions in the epilogue is obviously half-baked. Hind luto, at hindi maganda sa panlasa.

Additional note:

Kapag naramdaman mo nang parang nabo-bore ka na sa sinusulat mo, instead na madaliin mo s'ya, try to read other books or do other things, to clear your head. And perhap, you'll get inspired to write a chapter again.

Do not pressure yourself to update. I know an author who updates a after a number of months. Once he even updated a chapter after a year! But still it is a quality work, and it was worth reading.

So don't hurry, take your time and plan every chapter well.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

I may have made some mistakes. Feel free to correct me.