I might just be having one of those moments when you suddenly realize you exist. You know, when you stare off into space and realize you can't see yourself and that you're actually in control of what's happening and that everything around you is happening? Ya, I get that a lot. Mostly because I stare off into space to think and then my mind wanders.

Anyway, that's just a minor thing to this big puzzle of a rant that I just can't quite rap my head around. I want to say that some stuff might be a little personal and more than likely weird to some people.

Okay I can't be the only one who gets furious when someone is an idiot. I mean, it's one thing to not know the problem for math but it's another to say "Goodbye Florida, hello Miami". Or those idiots who watched the Titanic movie and came out saying, "so glad that didn't really happen". I mean, it feels like we're losing our humanity. People go around shouting "be yourself" and then when you reveal who you are you get shut down by those very same people. People who believe in some sort religion don't need to go around saying, "you aren't baptized in my religion so you're going to hell". I know that's not everyone because I'm certainly not one but come on. Hi would you feel if I said that to you? I have my life and my agency, don't need you telling me I'm an awful person because I believe in something different.

Then you have those people who believe they are always right. Think of an Uno card. To you it might be a nine, but from my perspective it's a six. Just because you're right, doesn't mean I'm wrong. Then you have people saying things about you just to make them feel better about themselves. Mind my language but WTF?!?! How would you feel?!?!

Where I am in my life I get zero respect. I'm walked all over by my siblings, cousins, people at school, parents, aunts and uncles, you name it and I've probably been a doormat to them. I can't help it when legit no one listens to you. They don't care about my opinion and when my opinion does matter they call me an idiot.

They say, "you're smarter than this" "you can get higher than a C" "I thought you cared more about this" "you SHOULD care about this"

It's what they want, not me. I don't even know what I want so they feel they have the right to take my clay and mold it for me. I didn't ask them to, they just did. Like a child taking another child's play dough and making it into a dog when they wanted to make a cat. I just want my own life where I'm what I want to be. I never got a chance to and now the fear of their opinions are gnawing at me. What if I'm making the wrong choice and my real dream job is around the corner? What if not having children will ruin my life? What if my writing is stupid? What if my existence is pointless?

I can't handle it.

And yet they shove it down my throat, expecting me to swallow and not choke. It always comes back up and I have to stare at it and cry. There's nothing else I can do. I can't become angry or my mom tells me I shouldn't behave like that. I have so much anger shoved deep down that I've had to turn to sadness to try and get it out of my system. I can't punch anything, I can't scream, and I can't talk. God forbid I tell my mother about being angry.

"Angry? You can't be angry. Your life is so much better than so many others. You have no reason to be angry."

Yet when I have anxiety about talking to her she gets frustrated.

"You should feel safe talking to me. I'll never make fun of you, you know I love you."

I trusted her. Then she crushed me.

*Religion rant I needed to get out of my system*

Why do people do that? Why do they lie? Why do we exist in the first place? Was it God's plan for us to comet o this Earth and destroy it? Why hasn't he just flooded the Earth and ended all this since clearly the few people who actually kind, sensible, and caring are so few into this world. Kill them all, destroy Earth, keep us all safe.

But no. He leaves us here. Promises to come down and resurrect the Earth to its former glory. Yet look at where we live. I'm sorry but I can't keep going on like this. I'll be a good person and all that but I have no faith in a higher being anymore. I see no proof besides a miracle every now and then. If he truly loved me my grandpa would still be here. That was the only person who ever truly cared about me. He's the reason I knew there was a God.

And now I don't think I will ever believe again.

*Back to normal rant*

Why does humanity exist if all we are are selfish hypocrites who are slowly destroying the Earth? Why. Why are we obsessed with movies, money, clothes, everything. Creatures are dying because of us existing in the first place and if we evacuate they'll die without us. We are the reason dogs rely on humans. They may benefit society but so do cell phones and we can live without both. There was a point where we were happy with what we had. Before Wattpad, cell phones, computers, and those were wonderful times. And we can never go back to that. We missed it. And we have to go on living, knowing fully well what we are and how we can't do anything about because we're all too stupid to care.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not okay and haven't been and never will be. Because this is life and life is unfair. And what's also unfair is how we treat others, how people think that people being a-holes is okay depending on the person, that porn exists, that social anxiety is a very big thing nowadays, and that no one believes that big issues are big issues. And now we're told to just suck it up and continue.

I don't want to be here. I'm only here because my writing gives me a reason to live. In all honesty people terrify me. I'm afraid of losing them, afraid that I'll get mad at them, afraid I'll do something stupid. Don't tell me everything is going to be alright. I know I can talk to you in PM but I really don't want to right now.

I needed to finally say something. I'm sorry but you finally get a sliver of the real me on the inside...

I'm really good at hiding things. It will be like I never said anything. And that's the sad part. Because a couple chapters after this people will forget that this is the turmoil of the inside.

Not even pretending that my negative emotions are a separate person is going to help me. Nothing can... and I'm afraid nothing will...