VIII.
I started job hunting. I chose private companies as they hire quickly than government agencies. It's not like I need a job soon, but I felt like I don't do much anymore so I had to do something. I was a bit bored too. Because my mother-in-law now often leaves the house to tend to their business.

I got a call one day that I was accepted, Alhamdulillah. I applied as an internal auditor in a company not far from the house and financially, they do well. I was to report the next week for contract signing.

I waited for Mikhail to break this good news to him. I texted him that he buy pizza on his way so that we could celebrate. But I didn't tell him yet about it.

He did not reply or anything. He rarely responded to my texts anyway so I didn't bother.

I waited for him in the living room, with Anika on my side. We were raiding a boss in Everwing. When the time's up for the last energy, Anika groaned.

"What a waste! You were so close to defeating the boss!" She exclaimed.

"Sorry. Maybe you can do it," I said.

"Ugh, my damage level is so low compared to yours," she said, hanging her head low.

I reached out to pat her head softly. Before I could say anything, I finally noticed someone else's presence.

Mikhail had arrived, taking off his shoes. He wasn't bringing anything but his satchel bag. In short, he hadn't gotten pizza.

"Ken said you're bringing pizza," said Anika for me.

I couldn't find my voice this time.

"Did she?" Asked Mikhail, dropping a kiss on her sister's forehead. He took out his phone to check. "Sorry, just read it now. Why don't you call in for delivery?" he offered and turned his back on us.

Despite the heavy heart, I grasped for my voice. "Do you need anything? Water?" I asked, following him.

"No, I'm fine," he said dismissively.

What now?

I stopped in my tracks as tears started to formulate. Why does this hurt so much? It's just a pizza! I looked up so the tears won't fall. I composed myself quickly and stayed in the living room for sometime. The unwanted feelings linger I was stuck.

Ya Allah, help me.

"I'm hooooome!"

Jam. It was Jam.

I put on a welcoming face and turned to her. She was holding two boxes of pizza with her. "I was badly craving for pizza I had to get one on my way," she explained.

"Pizza!" Yelled Anika.

I smiled at her weakly. "I was craving for some too," I told her.

Though, it wasn't really the food. It was what I was going to say while eating the food.

"Great!" Said Jam. "Let's go devour."

I retired to bed so very late. Yes, Jam and I stayed up late talking about random stuff, but I retired a little bit later, assuring my self that my emotion's already subsided.

He was already asleep, which was good. I didn't have to look at him and break down.

I slept too, feeling tired when I didn't really do anything strenuous today.

The next day, I left early, telling him I'm headed to the nearest coffee shop, wanting to have my dose of Starbucks coffee. I stayed in Starbucks, staring into nothingness. Slumped in one corner, my back was on the entrance and was only facing the wall, so it's after all nothingness.

It was Saturday, so there weren't that much people. Good, because, I wanted to be alone with my coffee. I brought a book to read. I lost myself into it, not wanting to think about that little heartbreak last night.

"We have coffee at home," I heard his voice. He settled into the seat in front of me.

I was surprised to see him. I couldn't help but frown at him. "Why are you here?"

"Last time I checked, you don't own Starbucks," he said.

"I know, it's just that it's weekend, you should be at home, resting or something," I said.

"I got bored and decided to stroll around then I saw you here," he explained. "You? You finally got bored, huh?"

"Oh," I said. "No...I was enjoying my last weekend as an unemployed. I got a job," I said.

"Really? Well, that's great," he said, sounding at least genuine. "I'm happy that you won't be spending time in the house that much. It can get pretty boring you know."

I remembered when he said that me working and going to graduate school would mean seeing me less. It was childish but I knew it came from his heart.

I smiled noncommittally. I just want to think of all the good things about him so I could find that purpose I once had on choosing him to marry. I gathered my things and drank the remaining of my coffee.

"You're done?" He asked.

"Yes," I said. "Can I go?" I asked for his permission, patting my back mentally for remembering to be a good wife despite me hurting.

"Where?" Must he ask?

The lie I was about spit out was on the verge of my tongue but I held myself. "I feel like riding the Metro, end to end."

He looked at me incredulous. "Why?"

"I just want to," I said. It was true.

"Why would you want to?" he asked weirded out.

"It's weird but I have to do it. I'd like to see reason again of why I chose you."

His mouth fell open. "Okay?" He was unsure.

"So, can I go, now?" I asked.

It took him a moment to recover. "Really, Ken, you can do whatever you want. You don't need to ask permission from me from time to time. I know you're just trying to be a good wife, but what if I wasn't there and you have an emergency?" He asked.

"I'd still wait for you, because that's what a devoted wife would do," I said.

He shook his head as if he couldn't believe me. "You go, I'll go with you," he said all of a sudden.

"What?" I asked. But he just gently pushed me forward so I could take a step.

And so I found ourselves taking one line of the Metro. Surprisingly, even if it's Saturday, there are a lot of people that the seats were full. We both stood on the side, waiting for others to get off so we could take a seat. When the next stop came, some people got off, leaving a couple of seats vacated. Mikhail and I went for the same seat but he took it first, smiling contently when he beat me to it. My eyes narrow at him being playful all of a sudden. I had no choice but to stand, leaning on the pole to stop myself from falling since the other seat was taken.

Where was that gentleman Mikhail?

"Miss," said one guy. "You can have my seat," he offered, casting a strange, accusing look at Mikhail for not letting me take the seat.

"No, it's okay," I said.

"I insist," he said, smiling at me kindly.

"Thanks," I smiled back a bit. I looked at Mikhail for approval who was looking at us strangely. He shrugged and looked away so I took the seat.

Soon, we reached the end. I didn't notice as I was lost in my thoughts. We got off and walked to the other side of the platform to start our journey to the other end. We were both silent, probably trying to ignore each other.

Luckily, it was not as full as it was in the first station. I took a seat, comfortably waiting for the train to move. He sat beside me silently, as if he wasn't there at all. I wondered what made him tag along? He must be really bored.

We passed by the area where the review school that we used to go to was located. It was an area where colleges and universities are clamped together.

"God, sometimes, I miss college," he muttered, probably remembering his days in uni. "And review school, I guess," he added.

"Those are the times I wouldn't want to experience again," I said. "The exhaustion of studying and the fear for the exam are the worst feeling."

"True. I think that I never studied that much in my entire life," he said, recalling them.

"So, was staying in school until 10PM to study," I added.

"You stayed there until 10?" He asked curious.

"Yeah, during the last two weeks before the board exam," I said.

He paused to recall. "I still couldn't recall you from those days," he said. "I stayed there late too and know almost all the face there."

I sighed. "It doesn't really matter, Mikhail. Why do you stress yourself about that?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said quietly. "This still doesn't make sense."

"And remembering me from review school would clear things for you?"

He looked at me. "No, I'm just intrigued."

I looked away. "Maybe you should try harder, Mikhail." I could just tell him he can't because my face was covered then. But then what? He'll accept me? He'll embrace me into his life?

After a while he spoke, we're nearing the other end. "So have you seen it?"

"Seen what?"

"Reason why you chose me."

The whole ride, I was playing in my mind that time he protected me. I imprinted it in my mind so I'd be reminded over and over again.

"You were very noisy," I said. "I can't concentrate."

He chuckled for me. For the first time. "So that needed concentration, huh? I thought one has to look only at my face then boom, they'd see why they like me."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I said chose, Mikhail, not like."

That got his attention. Just in time that we got to the last stop. He caught up with me when I was transferring to the other station to go back to our real stop.

"So, you're saying you didn't like me?"

"Hmmm," I responded.

"So, why did you marry me?" He asked as we climbed the steps.

"That is exactly why I took the Metro end to end. To see reason why I chose you," I repeated. We got again to the next train.

We were late to get in so we had to stand as the seats were already occupied. He was now preoccupied he didn't notice he was shielding me from people just like that first time.

"That is the most confusing thing you've ever said. I mean, you confuse me a lot of times but..." He trailed off. "How could you think of me if you didn't like me at all?"

A smile crept in my face, watching him unknowingly shield me from people. I couldn't help but reach up and brush his hair aside. He didn't seem to notice this too, thinking so hard.

"You did something that got imprinted in my mind," I said softly. "I didn't care if I don't like you or have any feelings for you. I just knew that you'd be a good husband for me somehow."

Now, he's confused more than ever.

"How could you think of marriage without love?"

"The problem with us, people today, is that we believe we need to be in love first before we get married," I started. "When in truth, marriage should come first before falling in love."

"What? That's ridiculous," he said. "What if you won't like your partner because you didn't get to know him before?"

"I believe you will, because she's the person meant for you. You just have to look at her and focus on her and not be carried away with these false beliefs or past feelings of being in love with other people. And of course, you ask your Lord to put love into the marriage. If you fear your Lord, you will love her for His sake," I said mostly to myself. I think I was telling that to myself more than to him.

For that moment, we weren't like husband and wife but more of like friends talking and giving advices. He let out a smile. I didn't know what for. But he smiled. And I hitched my breath at how beautiful he looked. I forgot how to breathe suddenly.

Am I in love or something?

His words pulled me back to reality. "Are you telling me what to do now?" There was a playful tone in his voice. There were lesser people now as I realized some had gotten off from the previous stations. He stood properly, not needing to shield me from people anymore.

I let out a soft laugh. "It was a reminder to myself first," I answered. "You could use it."

"You're strange," he said. "You're honest and don't hold back with what you want to say."

"Unless I hurt others, I say what I want to say. Papa said it's good for effective communication," I said.

"Well, true."

Finally, we got off our stop and we started walking home. He was following me and then, found his voice to ask something. "So did you?"

"Did I what?"

He rolled his eyes. "See the reason?" He asked bored.

"Why are you suddenly interested?"

"I just want to find out if we've done this Metro-end-to-end stuff for nothing," he said.

I smiled. I had this urge to ruffle his hair like I would do to my nonexistent younger brother. "Yes," I said.

I didn't look at him longer to find out the look in his face. I wanted to think he was satisfied. But I can't be sure.

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