CHAPTER 36- Funeral

Demi's POV

I held Nicko's hand tightly as the private jet to New York took off. Mia was sleeping peacefully in her carrier and I hope she stayed that way, not wanting to be that mom with the screaming kid even if we were the only ones on the plane. Nicko's thumb swiped against the back of my palm and a small smile played on his lips.

"I've missed this."

I bit my lip, "Nicko-"

"I know I know, I'm just saying, I missed just being with you."

I sighed, "I missed being with you too."

Nicko hesitated for a second, "I was going to ask you something."

I looked up at him, "What is it?"

"I was wondering if... while we're around my mom and my other family, we could pretend that we're still good. I know it's asking a lot I just don't want my mom to know we've broken up because it'll crush her."

I hesitated, then slowly nodded, "I can do that."

Nicko blinked, "Really?"

I shrugged shyly, "Well what does pretending entail?"

"Nothing you're not comfortable with... I guess just pretending you're in love with me again."

I sighed, "Nicko I wouldn't be pretending. I do love you, but I can't trust you enough to be with you."

He lowered his head, "I know."

It was silent for a few seconds and then he leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

I reached up to touch his cheek, "Talk to me."

He shook his head, "I don't want to upset you."

I frowned, "You won't, now come on, tell me."

He looked down at our intertwined fingers, "I'm just trying to prepare myself for you leaving again once we get back to LA."

My breath caught and I too looked down, "Oh."

He nodded, "Yeah."

I sighed and shook my head, "Don't think about it."

Nicko half smiled, "I can't just not think about it. I can't think about anything else anymore. I just keep picturing you slamming that door over and over again and then the phone call-"

He broke off and tears filled his eyes, I bit my lip and shook my head, "Nicko I didn't mean anything I said in that phone call. I was hurt, and angry."

"I know that, but it's all true. I am a monster, that night I became my father."

I gripped the back of his neck, forcing him to look at me. "Listen to me, you are NOTHING like your father. You're kind, and compassionate, and loving. You love Mia with all of your heart and I know you will protect her with everything you have. You are not a monster. You have control, but sometimes it wavers. Do I believe you would have hit me that night? I honestly can't tell you no. But, I can't judge you for it because it's the way you grew up, constantly in that fighting environment. Nicko the reason that we can't be together isn't because I don't love you. It's because we both know what it's like to grow up in a situation where our parents fought like savages, screaming and cursing at each other. You can't honestly tell me you don't see the similarities between us and your parents, because I do with my mom and Patrick. I love you baby, but we have to think about Mia before our own emotions."

Nicko sniffled and looked up, blinking rapidly, "Is there any hope for us? I mean... in the future?"

I nodded instantly, "I mean, I can't imagine myself with anyone else?"

Nicko sighed, "You know I can't either... Do you think, if New York goes good...?"

I shook my head, "I don't think so Nik, it's just too soon."

He nodded and looked out the window, "Right."

I deliberated for a second, then sighed, "How about this." Nicko looked at me with hopeful eyes, "If New York goes good, I'll move back in. We're not together, or sleeping in the same bed, it's just so you can see Mia more and we can work on things."

Nicko's smile grew wide and he nodded, "I guess that's all I can ask."

~*~

"Hey guys, thanks for coming." I smiled and embraced Nicko's mom with the arm that wasn't wrapped around Nicko's waist.

"Of course, it's the least we could do." I spoke softly, and Nicko let go of me to hug his mom, sheltering Mia's body with his chest.

"Hey mom."

Deborah looked down at Mia in awe, "Is this her?"

Nicko smiled and shifted Mia into a better view, "Yeah Ma, this is Mia, your granddaughter."

"She's so beautiful." She whispered, and gently stroked the top of her head. More people came up behind us so she ushered inside and we got on the line of people to pay our respects at the casket. Nicko was already breathing heavily and I gripped his hand.

"Do you want me to take Mia?"

He shook his head, "She keeps me calm, just stay close to me."

I smiled, "Always." He wrapped an arm protectively around my waist and kissed my temple, causing me to lean into his side and hide my smile. I missed this so much, the closeness with him. It felt natural, and right. Yet every time I felt myself falling back to him I was jolted into the memory of that night. I just couldn't forget it. Nicko must've felt me tense underneath him and looked down with a concerned expression.

"Are you okay?"

I forced a smile, "Yeah, fine."

He didn't seem convinced but was preoccupied as we moved to next in line. I gently took Mia from him and rubbed his back.

"Go on Nik, it's okay."

He gulped, and walked forward, kneeling at the casket and looking down at his father's body. He blinked fast a few times, then locked his jaw and stood up, stalking out of the funeral home attracting the stares of the people around us.

I went up to Nicko's mom who immediately understood and took Mia from me, and then I ran after him. He was pacing along the side of the building, head in his hands and muttering to himself.

"Nicko."

His head snapped up, "Demi go back inside I'm fine."

I shook my head, "No you're not. I know you better than that. But it's okay."

He leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, gripping his hair and letting out a sigh as I sat next to him.

"It's not fucking fair. He was a dick to her, and she still loved him. She loved him so god damned much and now he left her alone. Now she has nothing."

"Nik she doesn't have nothing. She has an amazing son who won't let anything happen to her. She has a beautiful granddaughter, who I know she'll love. Nicko she has all she wants in life."

He just leaned his head against me shoulder and sniffled, "The last time I saw him alive I was punching him in the face. I'm such a shit son."

I grabbed his chin and forced him to look up at me, "Nicko don't you ever say that again. You are not a bad son. He threatened me, and you did what anyone would do. Your mom didn't judge you for that and neither did I."

He sighed, "I'm a monster Demi. You deserve better than me. You and Mia deserve so much more. She needs a father who can support her and you need a guy who won't break down. Go find one."

I could feel tears filling my eyes as I shook my head, "That's just it. I don't want anyone else Nik. Parents support their child together, not just one of them holding all of the weight. I don't want someone who won't break down, who won't be open and vulnerable with me. I don't want a perfect guy, because that means there's no room for growth."

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-Rachel